BrotherAaron Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 I mean... it's common sense. I don't want to see her, and be around her, but I can't avoid it. I need a new plan. Maybe I can be her friend. She's a bitch, and I hate her, but maybe we can be friends. That makes sense, right? I just learned today that she had pretty much been seeing other people since we've been to college together. She met guys, had interest in them, possible even went on dates behind my back. It is eating at me, and I'm dwelling on it. It's like more and more of our time together is becoming a joke. I was working my ass off to pay her cell phone bill, car insurance for us both, etc, and she was off being a floozy behind my back. Now I see her every day with her new boyfriend. I've seen them both twice during the writing of this post. It's driving me crazy. I have a girlfriend, and I really like her too, but I admit I'm not over my ex (although I thought I was). She wrote me an email when she found out I'm seeing someone new that played with my heart - but not my head. I know what I want, and it isn't her. I do miss her though, or what I thought was her. I really don't want to be her friend, but I can't get rid of her either. Now I see her every day and think about her every 10 minutes. It's unhealthy, and I'm trying my best to get her off my mind but I'm failing miserably Oh what am I bitching about, I'm moving out in a week. We live in the same town, but just being in a different neighborhood than her will seem like a vacation. I'm ready to stop having her around so I can see my girlfriend - the woman who I am truly starting to care for - without this distraction. I have a big hill to climb this week... I can't focus on finals with this s*** going on, but I can't change it either. Maybe I need a plan, or maybe it's too late for a plan. I don't know.
moon Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Can you move? I think you really need to look into moving. Did you say you're in a dorm? Or an apartment? Either way....MOVE. Do it for yourself. I would definately keep no contact and a safe distance from this woman. It sounds like she really knows how to push your buttons. I think it'd be a major accomplishment (and statement) if you moved ASAP. Go now and figure out how. That's exactly what I'd do. And I've done that before to get distance from an ex. It feels much better let me tell you.
moon Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Oh sorry I didn't read the end of your post. You're already moving then?
Author BrotherAaron Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 Yeah, I'll be moving in a week, back home for the summer. She'll be moving too, and I wont be all of the way away from her. It will be better though. I miss her so bad right now. I had way too much interaction this weekend. She initiated contact, the first words we've spoken to each other for weeks. The first word out of her mouth was "babe!" and then "oops, I mean... Aaron". Ugh. I'm no longer jealous of her douchebag BF, for the most part, and I thought I was over her. Her calling me babe coming just after the email ending with "I miss you", and all of a sudden I'm not over her at all. Maybe she knows what she's doing. Maybe she hates that I have a girlfriend, the way all ex's hate to be forgotten about, and she's trying to destroy that by falling back into my life without ever intending to come back. I wonder if she realizes that I would not take her back, even if I had never met this new girl, after how she acted. Probably not. I just can't get as angry as I should be. That's always been my curse. I'm too quick to forgive, and I don't hold grudges that deserve to be held. I have to pretend to be more angry then I am sometimes just in order to make it clear that I won't be walked all over. If she were to come crying to me right now begging to be my girl again, I would turn her away in an instant with no word of comfort or remorse. Just "Don't do this. You need to leave. We're over." That'd be what I would tell her. Meahwhile, I'm still in love, so madly in love, that I almost want to blind myself to how she treated me and tell her "I miss you too". I know better to give in to my irrational emotions, I'm just having a bad day. A bad week, actually. I can't say what went sour - I can't put my finger on it. She's 19 and immature, and was convinced that she should be single and "have fun", but she ended up in a relationship faster than I can blink an eye. She told me a hundred times that she wanted to be on a break, but not broken up, and that we would get back together. I told her that she doesn't get to be on a break - take me or leave me. No breaks, no friendships, just commitment or none. She wouldn't commit, so I cut her loose completely, and suddenly she's serious with the guy she kissed, the guy who caused all of this. The guy who lives 5 doors down, and asks me questions about his computer that I refuse to answer. What happened to needing space? Being single? Having fun? Was that all a lie, a little story she told because she thought it'd keep me around a little bit longer? I can't be even considering being remotely kind to this girl, not after all of that. I may be blindly smitten, but I know what I want, and I can keep my head clear (when I can keep my stupid ass away from booze, that is). So I can be perfectly sane and logical about the whole thing, even coldly rational, when it comes to my behavior and what I do. But I have no control over what I feel. I miss her more than I ever did before, it's building, and I feel like it's coming to a head... like I've got to actually do something and not just wait. What could it be? I don't know. I'm not falling apart, and I'm not crying, or breaking down, I'm just waiting for something. I don't know what. It isn't for her to come back to me. I don't know how to kill these emotions. Maybe time will do it. I had already passed through anger into indifference... and now this again? Did I just start all over and forget everything I learned about myself? I don't understand how this girl is so hard to get rid of. Last night, I had way too much to drink, and I she walked into the room I was in (we all live so close, friends mix sometimes... ugh) and I yelled her. I told her that she was a ****ing bitch, and I hate her, and everything I dislike about her, and told her boyfriend some pretty bad things. I don't even remember doing this. They knew I was drunk, but I had her pretty upset. Yet, today, I see her and she smiles (not a smirk, but a sincere smile) and told me hi. I don't want her to be friendly. I want her to be gone, in every way. I'm just trying to think of a way to mitigate all of these feelings for her, and correct them, set them in the right direction again to where they need to be going, which is towards caring less and not more. I'm at a weird point in that I feel indifferent to what she does now, but I miss having what I had, and I love her in spite of all of this s*** she's put me through. I'm not going to try and get back with her. I'm trying to get over her.
begman Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 brotheraaron, I feel for you buddy. I know exactly what your going through because I'm going through it now. It sucks I know. My ex treated me badly but I still love her and can't get her out of my mind. She also started dating someone almost immediately after we broke up. I have been doing no contact so as far as I know she still is seeing that guy. She also called me babe by accident and sent me emails up until I initiated no contact saying how much misses me sometimes and the fun we used to have but she can't be with me because of the guy she was seeing. The usual mind fcking stuff. So I started NC. I think moving away will help. I'm a little older than you so moving for me isn't the best option because I'm established where I'm at with a career and a house. I do consider selling and moving though. I don't rule it out. I don't know how you feel about NC and everybody has their opinions but I feel it is the best way to move on. It is hard and I think about emailing my ex everyday but I resist the urge. Like you I have been seeing a girl and she is nice but I still think about my ex. I believe it just takes time. If I were you I would stick with NC and concentrate on your new girl. If you can't get over your ex with the new girl then that means you probably aren't ready to start dating and you should take some time for yourself. It isn't fair to the new girl if you still want to be with your ex. I have these thoughts with the girl I have been hanging with. I have been taking things very slow with her because I don't want to jump into anything. And I mean slow as a snails pace. I want to be able to get out without hurting any feelings in case I don't feel comfortable. Anyway, good luck. Hopefully your ex realizes at some point that you are trying to move on and contacting you isn't helping. Time heals all wounds. We're all here if you need anything. Thank God for the SHACK.
Author BrotherAaron Posted May 5, 2005 Author Posted May 5, 2005 Begman, you are right, I'm not ready for dating this girl. It's too bad, because if I could get my head out of my ass she'd probably have long term potential. Unfortunately, I feel more trapped with her than anything, and find myself hoping she doesn't call, so it's over. Thing is, I wont see her until the 12th because she's in New Orleans. I suppose I ought to wait until she gets back, and have a discussion with her then. I wish I had more to give her, I admire her a lot. She's attractive, interesting, easy going, confident, etc. My feelings for her stopped developing when my ex started bothering me, and they never returned. It's a crappy reason to stop liking somebody... it's not her fault.
Recommended Posts