If your doing NO CONTACT read this before you give in - I messed up - HELP!

[Belladonna]

Ok, for anyone currently doing NO CONTACT and who's thinking about breaking it read this. It has been 3 weeks since I did no contact with my exboyfriend. We had a big fight and I dumped him. He never called to apologize (and he owed me a big apology) so 3 weeks went by and I got over my anger - no word from him whatsoever and I was going to do no contact for however long it took.

 

Today I caved in and called him. I was having the punched in the gut feelings, the panic attacks of "Oh NO! what if this is really the end...".

 

Now we've had problems in the past and went before with no contact for 4 months. During that time I actually held no contact and was getting over him. Then he pops back up in my life and we got back together. We stayed together about 6 months but things were tense but we managed to get along ok. Then a big blowup (over something stupid but he lost his temper and I ran off).

 

So since he's come back in the past I decided I'd give it one more try and swallow my pride and call him. Well I call and he's cold as ice (when he came back to me I was happy and friendly). That's what I get for taking him back the first time. Now's he's got an arrogant attitude and although he says he loves me and wants to give it "one more try" - he's got a serious attitude. And he's the one who should be apologizing.

 

I shouldn't have broken the NO CONTACT - I should have stood my ground and either closed the chapter or waited on him to call me. We've talked on the phone today for a couple of hours but he's being a bit snotty about this.

 

I have now given him the power and control and he's struttin' around acting cocky and arrogant because I called him. I'm now just plain fed up with the whole relationship. I'm not going to grovel and beg to work things out and he's thinking he's the king now.

 

So before you give up your power - realize swallowing your pride and giving in takes the power out of your court and puts it in theirs. I honestly don't want him back now because I see I will be crucified for everything and he's gonna be expecting me to cater to his every whim and if I do anything wrong he'll be quick to throw lightning bolts at me.

 

HELP - our last phone call ended with a vague "ok, talk to ya later". I definately won't put forth effort to call him again - I'm not going to put myself in a position where he can walk all over me. I was adult enough to call him after this although I still think he owes ME and apology - yet now he thinks he did no wrong and I'm the bad guy and I'm gonna have to grovel and pay for dumping him.

 

The situation is now completely warped. I feel worse than ever and wish I'd just put closure to it and never called him. He's the same jerk I dumped 3 weeks ago and now he's got more power than ever. I feel like a fool for calling him.

 

What do I do now? HELP!

[ashley83]

so, are you back together now? I am currently on day 6 of NC, and its killin me. He broke up with me and my last words were...."don't call me unless you want to get back together or it's an emergency." haha....don't worry! just start now with the NC again. We are all imperfect....and emotions are beautiful, you're normal

[Belladonna]

We're not back together yet - no. He's gotta play games and torture me first. He's gotta pay me back and burn me a few times - his ego is puffed up and he's gonna make me feel bad for dumping him. This isn't worth it at all - I feel worse now than I did during my panic attack.

 

I'll definately start back the no contact - it sure doesn't pay to cave in and call - you just get treated like dirt. Thanks for telling me I'm normal. I think I can put closure to this relationship after I got a wake up call as to why I dumped him in the first place.

 

I don't trust him now - he's out to get me.

[RecordProducer]

Correct the mistake! Tell him "You know what? I made a mistake when I called you. You don't deserve me!" and do NC. My 2 cents..

What does he want from you? Why did you break up in the first place and what are the problems in your relationship?

[Belladonna]

RecordProducer - I don't plan on contacting him again.

 

I did tell him in our phone conversation today that I'm a great person and am not desperate for a relationship - I simply called to tell him I was thinking of him, that I missed him and still love him very much. I was kind and very mature about things - admitted I'm not perfect - etc. Swallowed my pride and just played it cool..........but it got me no where but right back into the fryin' pan.

 

He's a self absorbed jerk - instead of him saying "Hey, I've missed you too and I love you" he said "I can't go on this way - you never cook me dinner or "nurture" me".

 

I basically said the answer to his problem is a mail order bride. I'm a widowed single mom with a full time job - If anyone needs nurturing it's me not him. His dad bought him a house and he doesn't pay a mortgage or taxes.

 

I pay rent and bills and bust my butt to raise my son single handedly. And he's complaining that I don't come over to his house and cook enough meals for him or give him more sex? Yet he screamed at me in front of my son and I dumped him - then called him (and he still hasn't offered an apology)...

 

What am I thinking? I'm not thinking clearly that's for sure. I did screw up by calling him - big, big mistake but you can bet I won't be calling him ever again after this. No way.

[lindya]

Belladonna, how long have you been seeing this man for? It seems less like love and more like an ongoing power-struggle. You need someone who's there to support you, not someone who gets an adolescent ego boost through acting like a cold fish towards you. I always have whole-hearted respect and admiration for people who can be open and honest about their emotions. It's terribly sad when people like that get hooked up with unpleasant parasitical types who feed off other people's emotions but don't seem capable of expressing any worthwhile ones themselves.

 

I don't see why you should be feeling bad about having made a phone call to him. So what if he got an ego boost? Ultimately, inflated egos cause more trouble and sorrow for their owners than they do for anyone else. And if he thinks he's in a superior position simply because you are a more loving person than he is, then that's his misconception - not your problem.

 

I'm sorry, but he sounds like a bit of a toad.

[Belladonna]

We've been seeing each other for 2 years (during that period we broke up for 4 months with no contact and we had other arguments where we'd stop speaking to each other for days on end).

 

It is a power struggle - I admit. That's part of the problem. Neither one of us wants to let down our guard long enough to let the other person in. When I start feeling close he'll say or do something that is hurtful so I throw up my guard again and back away.

 

He called me this morning and is wanting things to work out.

 

What I don't understand is why I forgive him so easily. He can be a great guy but his arrogance and ego really screws up our relationship.

 

I love him but have to be on guard constantly - he plays mind games and for that I can't open up enough to trust him. Yes, he is definately a bit of a toad.