Craigy Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 (edited) What do you do when you suspect your partner likes someone else? I'm 27 and my girlfriend is 23 and we've been together for just over 2 years. The first 6 months of our relationship was quite volatile. I had major trust issues with her due to finding out she had been lying to me and still talking to her ex. After she finally saw sense that is wasn't healthy for our relationship and stopped talking to him the next year was the happiest of my life. I was loved up. Then 6 months ago she got a new job... About 2 months later she nearly broke up with me. She used the excuse that our relationship had become stagnant. I suspected it was because of this particular "friend" at her work. This "friend" is apparently the Cassanova of the office and I always noticed she spoke about him differently compared to anyone else there. It didn't help my paranoia that she had told me that she had previously split from her ex boyfriend because she grew feelings for another guy at her old job. I confronted her about it but she denied having feelings for anyone else. After we gave each other some space we decided to give it another go and the spark did come back and things went back to the way they were before and my concerns went away. Then about 2 months ago she was showing me something on her phone when a text came through from the "friend". The text was very generic but I noticed an immediate shift in her behavior and body language. Once again I confronted her about it and she denied any feelings. This time I didn't believe her. Fast forward to now. Since that text I haven't been able to shake the feeling that something is not quite right and a few days ago I did something I'm not very proud of, I looked through her phone to put my mind at ease... There was no Facebook messages between them and the text message exchanges have been fairly platonic so unless she has been deleting messages or talking to him by some other means I didn't find anything suspicious. What I did find was confusing. I didn't realize until after was that she is not Facebook friends with this "friend" which I found quite odd as she is with most of the people at her work. However when looking through her Facebook search history I saw that she has searched for him to check out his profile more or less everyday leading up to when we nearly broke up until now. I don't know what to do now. Do I tell her what I found and confront her again for her to deny it? Do I keep my insecure mouth shut and just see what happens? I have never thought she was having an affair and I still don't believe she has. I do think it is now quite obvious that she is at the very least attracted to him. I totally understand humans are attracted to other humans and we always joke about the celebrities each of us fancy but it's a bit close to home when it's her work colleague who she spends a lot of time with. I guess I'm just afraid that over time her feelings for him will develop even more and then the inevitable will happen... Edited July 2, 2015 by Craigy
d0nnivain Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 Confront is such an angry mean word. You do need to talk and discuss your perspective here. However, since you are snooping, you no longer trust her. Unless that trust can be built back, you don't have much of a foundation. Once she learns you were snooping, she may have even less interest in trying to save your relationship. nevertheless, you two do have to talk.
Author Craigy Posted July 2, 2015 Author Posted July 2, 2015 Thanks for the quick response. After the "Ex" issue I told her she would have to earn and build up my trust again and to her credit she did. She stopped taking her phone with her everywhere she went and when she does receive a text she usually tells me who it was and what it is about. She always maintained that I was free to look at her phone whenever I wanted as she had nothing to hide but after the "Ex" I never felt I needed to until now. Obviously she might feel a bit differently about this once I tell her what I found but I knew that was the risk I was taking when I choose to look so I fully understand that I'm going to have to accept the consequences of my actions too Now what happens if as I suspect she finally admits to me that she is attracted to him? Or what if she carries on denying it and makes excuses about what I found? What happens then? Can the relationship be saved? Is there any point in trying?
preraph Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 If you are sure she is attracted to other people, and this has been a pattern, I just don't see the point in staying together. yes, she may not have done anything, but she straight up told you the relationship was stagnant, so she's truly not that invested in it and probably is looking around. 1
GoBlue Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 Well - the fact that you went through her phone indicates that there are serious issues of trust in this relationship, which means there is no real commitment. Commitment is based on trust and trust is based on open and honest communication. You ask whether you should confront her about what you found - what did you find? The answer is "nothing." Do you really consider the fact that she searched for him on Facebook means anything? Honestly, if you do tell her what you did she will probably make the decision for you and end the relationship herself. That's what I would do anyway. In any event, it's clear that this relationship doesn't have a very firm foundation. You're not happy, she's not happy, no one seems to be benefitting at this point. What do you think you should do?
No Limit Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 She's told you that she doesn't hold your relationship in high regards and has shown you plenty of times that she doesn't think of it a priority. Why are you still with her?
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