Am I blind or is there a real chance? ex gf leaving the country

[young_gun333]

She's a week away from leaving if I read your posts correctly. While I can understand why you want to see her so badly for what might very well be the last time you ever see her in person, you need to really see how much she has done to tell you that she doesn't want you in her life whatsoever any longer. That's a terrible realization to come to and I don't think you truly have yet bc will hurt to much but look at the facts. - She's had a "cold" or "been sick" since you started this thread nearly the entire time. That's one long cold... Clearly a lie and a bad one at that. She now is having her mother as the buffer between you and her. Either she doesn't have the courteousy give you the closure you've clearly expressed you need OR you formed an image of who she can be and not who she actually is. By what you explained of your time living with her, sounded like you basically were her lifeline, caretaker, therapist and babysitter. With all you did for her through her depression it was a full time job. Has she ever expressed her appreciation or gratefulness for any of that to you?.

 

During our time together, she was very good about expressing her appreciation for what I was doing for her. She said that she never had anyone take care of her this way. I felt she was very genuine about these things to me. In fact, hearing them made me more motivated to take care of her. Because at times, I have studied that those that care for the depressed will feel underappreciated & upset at the responsibilties they are expected to deal with everyday. I did have those feelings at times, but she was very good at communicating her appreciation for me & that she wanted me to have my space & fun too without worrying about her. Now, on the other hand, I feel like she forgot how much I gave for her. Now I feel underappreciated & ignored. I feel that I shouldn't deserve to be treated like this whether or not she is doing it as a coping mechanism for the both of us.

 

The fact that she decided to leave the country tell you that the connection/love between you wasn't strong enough to keep her here. Do you mind sharing the reasons why she was depressed? What set her off? How long has she been in this country for and does she have any friends/family of her own here? If not then the men she's dated including you have been her only source of caring and interaction. She's probably used these men and you as someone to have around out of sheer lonliness rather than emotional care. She might not even realize that which makes it harder for you.

 

She did tell me during our moments of high conflict was that the only reason she was staying in this country was because of me & she wanted to see how it would work out. That she had easy options & substantial resources in her country (her family is extremely wealthy) & all her friends are back there. I think she had some history of mild depression b/c of her dictator of a dad. He is the primary cause of depression in her life as he's never been loving & extremely critical of her starting when she was a child. She does have daddy issues from that standpoint. The starting point of her depression in 2013 was b/c she was medically feeling extremely fatigued all the time & was gaining a little bit of weight even though she was on a normal, healthy diet. She found she had hypothyroidsm which cause both fatigue, weight gain, AND depression. Her husband did not believe in the doctors & said it was all in her mind. She didn't have support/sympathy/encouragement from him & that caused her into the extreme depression she had where she was bedridden for over 6 months.

 

Shes been in the U.S since 2006 & married for last 3 years, but with her ex for a total of 5 years. Perhaps you're right she was using me and the other guy as emotional support (unknowingly), but to me the love & connection was real. Again, once she divorced her husband, she lost any & all of her social network in the U.S. She had no one besides her dogs. Her social interaction (apart from me) was calling her mom in her country & texting from time to time her friends around the world. But her depression made it so that she really didn't want to connect with anyone (including her family/friends) apart from her mom & me. So it was really just us 2 and her dogs.

 

What would seeing her once more before she leaves do for you?.

 

I really don't know, that's a great question. I feel the idea of hope, thats it. I know its unrealistic, but I just feel hopeful in seeing her...perhaps even closure (which is not what I really want, but just a chance to keep communication open & positive when she moves back). In back of my mind, I'm hoping she'll still leave with a positive view of me & us, that she'll be ready at some point to see me when I visit her in the country. That's my hope. Realistic probably not, but that's what I'm clinging onto.

 

What did she do that made you put her on such a pedestal. You're saying that you're willing to change you're whole life in order to visit her in another country. You didn't even know this woman last year. Think of how much can change in that time period. Because you went on a couple other dates and weren't blown away does not mean that there's no one else out there for you, just means that you didn't find her after 2 dates lol.

 

Thanks for thinks comment. It does put things into perspective. I will say that I didn't know her last year, but somehow, I feel like I've been waiting for someone like her my whole life (minus the obvious negatives of depression/anxiety which I believe can be conquered w/ the right measures.) I'm sure that there are more women to meet & maybe more time I can contemplate for myself, but I do feel I love this woman. I wish I really didn't love her & I wish I could stop feeling this way... but that's not the case now.

[La.Primavera]

I didn't buy anything really expensive other than a type of hard cover journal she likes & a book for the long plane ride back. That said, do you still think this is a bad idea?

 

Yes, but it is easy for me to say that because my emotions aren't clouding my judgement. This is happening to you not me. I just hate seeing people get hurt. Do whatever you feel is right for you. Look after yourself.

[young_gun333]

Yes, but it is easy for me to say that because my emotions aren't clouding my judgement. This is happening to you not me. I just hate seeing people get hurt. Do whatever you feel is right for you. Look after yourself.

 

Thank you for your concern for me so that I won't get hurt. It means a lot to me.

 

I know it's sad & pathetic, but I can't help feel so vulnerable & dismissed right now. I text her telling her I know she hasn't been feeling well & tying loose ends for her move, but I missed talking to her & wanted to catch up. She only half responds saying something like, "Hey! I'm so sorry. I have been so stressed out." Basically responding, but not responding to my questions of talking together.

 

Later I told her it's my "birthday week" (as she joked about this during her bday before.) I basically joked around saying that I was channeling that concept from her & that honestly all I want to do is spend time with her before she goes & have a dinner together. She just responds saying, "OMG your 33!!!". Again, not responding to my question.

 

From an outside perspective, I KNOW this is not good. It's sad that I continued to make attempts, but somehow, I just feel better that I tried rather than just laying low to save face & protect my pride. If she doesn't respond, at least I know I made effort & in a wierd twisted way, I think it'll validate to me that she's not as caring as I thought she was a person. Mainly, for her bday, I showered her with thoughtful gifts & snuck outside the apartment & went in the hallway to light candles on a cake to surprise her in bed along with buying a full breakfast personally delivered by me. That said, she's not even acknowledging me today (on my bday). God, I sound so pathetic & like a little child. I'm sorry. This is just a sad moment for me.

[La.Primavera]

Don't be sorry. This has been a very hard time you. You are trying so hard to keep that connection with her but she is avoiding it with cold civility. I don't blame you for feeling down about it. The sooner she is gone, the sooner you can begin to heal.

 

Also, for what it is worth I hope you had a really nice birthday.

 

Take care.

[young_gun333]

Don't be sorry. This has been a very hard time you. You are trying so hard to keep that connection with her but she is avoiding it with cold civility. I don't blame you for feeling down about it. The sooner she is gone, the sooner you can begin to heal.

 

Also, for what it is worth I hope you had a really nice birthday.

 

Take care.

 

Thanks La.Primavera, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it.

 

The start of the "healing" process will be extended for a few more days. She was supposed to leave this Thursday, but now I was informed by her mom she will be leaving Monday.

 

She never responded to my last text, but her mother text me asking about whether or not I went into the leasing office to sign some documents. I feel that it's so cold that she won't have the deciency to at least message me back or handle her affairs directly with me or say, "Im not feeling well so can you please coordinate with my mom in the meanwhile?".

 

I'm torn between trying to see her again or text her before she leaves. This is ending way worse than I anticipated which is NO COMMUNICATION at all. A week ago I was positive we would at least see each other one last time before she left, especially since I still need to pick up my things. So at this point, I feel my goal of just keeping the lines of communication open from now and after she returns to her country is likely not a possibility. If that's the case, I think I'll feel better with closure of just seeing her one last time. I know this sounds like a hopeless endeavor, but I really felt that this was a woman I was going to marry...that's how important she was & still is to me.

 

I'm contemplating on telling her that I'd like to meet up at the apartment so I can clear out my things before she leaves since we need to complete this before the lease ends. And if she avoids that, perhaps later I can ask her if I can drop a goodbye gift to her before she goes. Do any of these requests seem unreasonable or pushy?

[mightycpa]

her mother text me asking about whether or not I went into the leasing office to sign some documents

That's scary that her mother is involved in getting your to sign papers. I sure hope those documents will release you from all obligation, rather than bind you to any obligation.

 

I've never heard of signing anything when you end a lease, unless it's filling out a form about where to send the security deposit.

 

I'm contemplating on telling her that I'd like to meet up at the apartment so I can clear out my things before she leaves since we need to complete this before the lease ends. And if she avoids that, perhaps later I can ask her if I can drop a goodbye gift to her before she goes. Do any of these requests seem unreasonable or pushy?

The first one sounds like you are disguising your motivation. You do realize that you are now contemplating actual deception in order to achieve experiencing the last shreds of a relationship? That sounds unreasonable.

 

Pushy is in the eye of the beholder, which in this case, I read that the proffering of the gift will be taken that way. She may just accept it to make the whole thing easier on her.

[La.Primavera]

She never responded to my last text, but her mother text me asking about whether or not I went into the leasing office to sign some documents. I feel that it's so cold that she won't have the deciency to at least message me back or handle her affairs directly with me or say, "Im not feeling well so can you please coordinate with my mom in the meanwhile?".

 

She didn't respond because she doesn't want to talk to you. Does this not show you how little she cares? She is done. I wish you could see that. As hurtful as it is, she owes you nothing. She doesn't have to talk to you or see you if she doesn't want to. That is her right.

 

I'm contemplating on telling her that I'd like to meet up at the apartment so I can clear out my things before she leaves since we need to complete this before the lease ends. And if she avoids that, perhaps later I can ask her if I can drop a goodbye gift to her before she goes. Do any of these requests seem unreasonable or pushy?

 

You know the answer to that. Yes, it is both unreasonable and pushy because she really doesn't want to see or talk to you. You can't force her. She is getting her mother to deal with you now. It doesn't sound like a hopeless endeavor, it is a hopeless endeavor. I'm sorry.

[Qboro90]

Thanks La.Primavera, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate it.

 

The start of the "healing" process will be extended for a few more days. She was supposed to leave this Thursday, but now I was informed by her mom she will be leaving Monday.

 

She never responded to my last text, but her mother text me asking about whether or not I went into the leasing office to sign some documents. I feel that it's so cold that she won't have the deciency to at least message me back or handle her affairs directly with me or say, "Im not feeling well so can you please coordinate with my mom in the meanwhile?".

 

I'm torn between trying to see her again or text her before she leaves. This is ending way worse than I anticipated which is NO COMMUNICATION at all. A week ago I was positive we would at least see each other one last time before she left, especially since I still need to pick up my things. So at this point, I feel my goal of just keeping the lines of communication open from now and after she returns to her country is likely not a possibility. If that's the case, I think I'll feel better with closure of just seeing her one last time. I know this sounds like a hopeless endeavor, but I really felt that this was a woman I was going to marry...that's how important she was & still is to me.

 

I'm contemplating on telling her that I'd like to meet up at the apartment so I can clear out my things before she leaves since we need to complete this before the lease ends. And if she avoids that, perhaps later I can ask her if I can drop a goodbye gift to her before she goes. Do any of these requests seem unreasonable or pushy?

 

 

Umm yesss they sound extremely pushy! Don't do any of that! It's over man, I'm sorry but it's 1000000% over and you're not going to see her again. She could not make it any clearer that she wants nothing to do with you. And you want to give her a gift?!? A gift for what? Being a complete heartless bit$$ to you? Jeez man, let her go and start moving on. Nothing you do is going to change her from leaving. Nothin you do is going to make her agree to revisit the relationship later. It's done

[La.Primavera]

I know this must be a very tough week for you. I hope you are doing ok.