splinter163 Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 After being around here in this amazing site for a few months now, I decided to make my own thread and express a little. (I apologize beforehand for my English. It’s not my first language). We dated for almost four years. The relationship was beautiful, and we were very proud about it. We learned a lot from each other, and our fights didn’t last more than a few hours: we communicated a lot about how we felt and that always resolved the little issues. Of course it wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty close to it. We were our best friends, and we shared everything together. I’m 22 and she’s 23. Last year I moved to my first apartment, and she basically lived there with me for a year. We decided to officially move together this year, before all of this happened. She was invited to Mexico to spend time with her dad, and she went. She had just finished college, so she could be on some very deserved vacation for as much as she wanted. So she went, and everything was fine. But here’s when problem started: everything was too fine. We didn’t miss each other, and that was extremely weird considering how dependable we were. We talked extensively about it, and decided to ask for help; I talked to a lot of friends and therapists about it, and she talked with her own people. We had no idea what was happening to us, and we started to freak out; it was too scary for us. Our conclusions were completely different. Everyone told me that I should stop freaking out, and that it was probably just “saturation” of doing the married type of life, considering our age. That we were just enjoying the fresh air, and that this time apart was great for us. But her side was a completely different story. First she didn’t even talked to half the people I did. Second, one (who she had met for only weeks) told her that we probably never really loved each other, and that we were together because we “didn’t want to be alone”. This confused her even more, and I was pretty mad at her for even considering such kind of BS. So, we decided to take a time off, and not talk for a week. We did that, so we could think about our relationship and what was wrong. After that I didn’t feel as I did before all of this happened, but I was more sure that this was just a small bump, and that the distance made us blew this thing out of proportion. But when I talked to her after the time off, it was like she didn’t conclude anything. We did this a few times more (by her request) and every time she was back at me, she sounded more distant and colder. I complained about it, but she didn’t even acknowledge it. So, she extended her stay in Mexico (because she “needed it”), and because of a few factors she rescheduled it for two months after her original return date. I was pissed, but she kept saying that she needed it and it was the best for us, so I had to accept it. One thing that we discussed at the begging of this, is that we both had sometimes desired to “be” with other people. Not someone specific, just go around and get laid. We concluded it was normal because of our age and all, and I told her I felt like that a lot during our relationship, but I always understood at the end of the day that it was just superficial desire that had no purpose being there. So, searching a bit on the net I found this forum, and also found the GIGS post. Everything started to make sense. It was the same thing that had happened to me before, and by everything she’s been telling me this whole time, it was what was happening to her. I sent her the link so she could read it (while we were on one our “week of no talking”) and she thanked me, and said she would read it later. So days passed, and I asked her if she had read it. She didn’t. I asked her if she found the “answers” that she needed. She didn’t. I was getting pissed but tried not to show it. She then asked me if I would want to move to Mexico. I of course said no, and then she told me “I have to be honest with you. I’m considering doing it”. She was destroying me there. The first pretty place she goes on vacation in a long time, and she’s ready to move on from her life, and just settle there? One of our biggest dreams was to travel the world together. I told her that Mexico was just a nice place, and that we would explore a lot of beautiful places and there was no need to be impulsive. But she didn’t answer anything substantial. So our situation was that she wasn’t sure if this small “crisis” was a sign that our relationship wasn’t working, and that she had no idea what she wanted. We took a last week of no contact (the third), and in that week I spent almost every day on LS and on the GIGS post. I started understanding that in her mind right now, I was not her boyfriend anymore and I basically became “a plan” among others. And she was unsure about which plan to follow. After all we went through, I didn’t deserve that. Not from her. So I started writing a breakup letter, expressing everything I felt about this, and stating that I thought all this situation was nonsense, and that I’d gladly go back to how things were. But I also stated that I won’t promise to be there with my open arms, when she finally decides to come back. I gave her a week to make me change my mind. She had no idea I was doing it, and I never threatened her with it or anything like it. The not-talking week ended, and I called her praying I didn’t have to send that letter. I asked her if she finally arrived to any conclusion. She told me she didn’t. I asked her If she read the GIGS post I sent her. She didn’t. And finally asked her if she knew what she wanted to do with our future and the relationship. She told me she still didn’t know. That was it. I immediately broke up with her, and sent her the letter. I covered everything I needed to say in there, so that helped me get into NC right away. A week later she answers the letter with a big message. She said she didn’t respond me right away because she wanted to think about all of this. She then thanked me for the letter (saying it opened her eyes about a lot of stuff) and thanked me for sending her the GIGS post saying it IS what is going on with her. She then told me she still loved me, but she still didn’t know what to do. She asked me if she wanted us to keep contacting. I responded the message with another meaty message, talking about other conclusions I arrived, and explaining to her the NC and why is it for. She responded another short but warm message, saying she was happy we were both doing ok about it, and then the NC time officially started. At first I felt surprisingly good. It felt nice being single, and was looking forward to enjoy everything I missed. First few weeks were kinda tough, but not as much as I expected. I was doing pretty good. Then things went to *****. First I saw that her best friend tagged her on facebook, saying something like “congratulations to our new Mexican citizen!”. I was doing great, and I fell in a big depression after that. Then (the worst one), that same friend posted a meme and tagged her saying “it made me think about you lol”. The meme involved Michael Jackson and a kid with a shirt that reads “I beep on the first date”. Maybe it didn’t mean anything, but that one completely destroyed me. For a moment I thought I was going to die. I never felt so hopeless and powerless in my entire life. I started crying like crazy and having insomnia a couple of times a week. Then my birthday came. She was supposed to arrive the day before my that, and since she has half of her stuff in my apartment, she had to immediately come by. At 00:06 am (my country’s time) she sends me a big happy birthday message; saying she thinks about talking to me every day (but doesn’t know if it’s the right thing to do) and that she hopes that I’m having a great time. That message was the complete proof that she wasn’t coming back; at least for now. I wanted to insult her so badly for abandoning me and forget about me/us just like that, but instead I just replied “Thanks” and her name. Nothing else. That was like 3 weeks ago. I’ve been on NC for like two months, and never broke it. I’m doing a lot worse now, since I think I probably had some hope that she’d come back and fix this mess. Now I don’t, and I just have to accept that it’s all over and my life is not going to be the same. Everything that we shared, everything that we lived together during all these years, all gone to the trash. Just like that. The funny thing is that now I don’t even care about fooling around; even when I’m feeling great or I’m at parties. I want a woman, not a sex toy. I was extremely tempted to brake NC a few times, but thankfully I stopped. I wrote her like three other letters, stating how I felt about everything, but I never sent them. So basically, sometimes I’m ok and sometimes I’m a living zombie. Distractions are great, but they’re just, distractions. When I go to sleep and there are no distractions around, reality slaps me in the face and that’s when I begin to suffer. I hope this ends soon. I want to be able to enjoy life again.
ravfour4 Posted July 2, 2015 Posted July 2, 2015 Haha I enjoyed the "I beep on the first date" line, other than that it sounds like you handled things pretty maturely - although the whole wanting to have sex win other people thing is a bit odd and being totally ok/happy being apart may have been a bad sign - although it also could have been a good sign that you weren't dependent on one another. It sounds like she was a bit immature and looking for a way out and once she did it, she didn't look back too much. Keep focusing on yourself and assuring yourself that you did the right thing.
Author splinter163 Posted July 2, 2015 Author Posted July 2, 2015 Thank you very much for your answer. I don't really see it odd, since we started dating when we were like 18, and didn't have a lot of sexual experiences before that (in my case they were almost unexistent). It was like wondering about the "outside". I guess you're right about her being inmature. Sometimes I start beating myself up for being the one that ended things, thinking "maybe she would've eventually come to senses if I hadn't pull the plug"... But deep down I know it was the right thing to do. A relationship has to be something mutual. It can't be unilateral.
Author splinter163 Posted July 7, 2015 Author Posted July 7, 2015 These last few days have been particularly hard. I’m so tempted to break NC, and it’s becoming unbearable. I just want to express and show her how much she hurt me and abandoned me. I need some type of closure. Things just ended one day with the “when I’m coming back we’ll talk and see where we are”, and now it’s two months I don’t know anything about her. She could be coming back next week, in a month or maybe in six months, and I’ve no idea. She wanted to start talking to me again on my birthday, and I shut her off. I wanted her back, not her being my “friend”. I know NC is the best thing right now, but my case is strange. Things ended one day with no one specifically wanting it, and now what? If she doesn’t love me anymore, I need to know. I need to at least have some closure that can force me to move on. Right now I don’t want to move on. I still love her with all my heart. I don’t know if this makes any sense to you. I want to know what her deal is, and at the same time I don’t want to suffer.
Recommended Posts