The Prototype Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 I have often wondered this. Generally, I think it is a way to "ease" the blow of a breakup, and also keep connected "just in case" the person wants to get back in. Logically, if I am done with someone who I had a loving relationship with, for me, I DON'T wanna be friends, at least not for a LONG time. Seeing them NOT as a girlfriend or boyfriend is too painful, and like saying "you can look, but you can't eat any of your favorite desserts. I'd rather not look at all. Yet you always hear about people wanting to be friends? I think if they are as truly hurt and distraught over the breakup as you are, they'd not want to be friends in the short term anyway. Even breakups that make sense on paper, SHOULD be painful for both people. I think wanting to be friends is a hurtful sign, to be honest. I'd rather the person say "I can't be anywhere around you now". At least you know it is hard for them too.
Marshbear Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 The people who want to stay friends only say that to make the break-up seem less final. They really don't expect to stay friends but it is easier to say this than " I never want to see you again". I guess it's a way of being less hateful or guilty over its end but not truthful. I think you should just end it and realize that you will not be friends. Just wish them the best and go your way...
Author The Prototype Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 My thought exactly. If they were really injured over things, they would NOT want contact. It is a way of easing things for them, IMO.
monna Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 what about when the dumper says they want to be friends, but the dumped says no b/c it is over, and the dumper gets really mad and angry by this? that they really wanted to be friends, or because they got a bit of rejection themself?
ggallin13 Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 I don't want to be friends, ever. Recently a girlfriend and I discussed this and when I told her that I don't have contact with any of my ex's she called me a cold hearted bastard. Maybe I am, but if I still wanted to be around the person I wouldn't have broken up with them (and vice versa).
moon Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 I've never maintained a "friendship" with any of my exes. I guess in theory it might be nice. But sooner or later I think that friendship could become a problem anyway. Say you decide to keep a close friendship with your ex, yet you want to move on to somebody else. Your ex is going to probably feel threatened by this new person, as is the new person. I think you need boundaries in life. I think keeping exes in your life can make problems for you later. I guess I could understand the wanting to be friends if you were friends for years and years and then started dating and when you break up you want to remain friends. But let's face it, you know that's probably going to impede your future dating progress if that ex is still right there in your life. I think it makes for a lot of confusion. I think even those very evolved people out there who maintain friends with their exes usually date people who don't like that old relationship in their life. So one way or another there's going to be some sort of problem with it. But again that's just me. I recently asked a number of friends if they kept in touch or were friends with any of their exes and everybody said no. One friend actually said she thought that was rude and she's got a lot of exes. I do understand the whole basis of wanting to keep that person in your life, but in most cases, sooner or later, you're going to have to chose between the ex and the new boyfriend/girlfriend who's not going to be thrilled with the old attachment still there. So I think it's a lose/lose situation. But that's just me. I understand why people try to do it, but I have seen more problems than good come out of these "friendships." Of course if you were married and divorced and had kids then a decent relationship would be best maintained, but that's really the only scenerio I think where it would be a good thing.
eastern_mystique Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 For all my ex's faults, his best quality is his honesty. When he said he wanted us to be friends he really meant it - it wasn't out of a sense of pity or guilt or charity. And he's proven it; when he sees me at college he always comes over and talks to me, and we've seen each other a few times outside of college too, on a social basis. We may even see each other today. We had a very in-depth discussion a few days ago and he said that apart from the fact that he really likes my company and spending time with me, he also admitted that he probably wouldn't even want to be friends with me if he couldn't see us being together again at some point. I'm aware that keeping in each other's lives, esp. as close friends, isn't going to be easy. But we both feel that something is going to happen again with us, so maintaining that connection is important for both of us. I think keeping exes in your life can make problems for you later. sooner or later, you're going to have to chose between the ex and the new boyfriend/girlfriend who's not going to be thrilled with the old attachment still there. I can see this being an issue further down the road, as I feel that if he's ever going to try again with me, it'll only be after having another relationship with someone else.....I can also see there being friction between my ex and the new person I'll date too.....but that's a bridge we'll have to cross when we come to it. I think he's worth being friends with and he evidently feels the same about me too.
ltomlinson81 Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Dumpers who want to be friends can do so because they don't feel anything romantic any more. Dumpees who want to be friends want to do so because it keeps them in contact with their ex.
Weird Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 I dont believe the friends thing after a breakup. It just doesn't seem to work because there is a past there and both people know it and most people will usually try and pussyfoot around it and act like the past never happened and that makes things awkward. The whole friends thing in my eyes should logically work but at the same time logically shouldn't work...what I mean is you can know this person and think they are great and have a relationship with them but if the relationship doesn't work why then shouldn't you still talk to them? Makes no sense. BUT, on the other hand there is the whole point raised above...you were in a romantic relationship with this perosn and trusted them with your heart and things didn't work out and now you are left knowing about the past you had with them and not really being able to talk about it or wanting to talk about it. Anyway, I think those who stay friends are rare and I don't know how they do it. I guess if both parties wanted to break up it would be easier to stay friends but those relationships seem few and far between. I tried to do a friendship with my last ex a year after we broke up...it didn't work out because things were too weird and she seemed to act like we didn't have history with each other and that frustrated me.
Merin Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 Hmm.. IME When People say they want to remain Friends it isn't because the EX is just that damn amazing that they need to keep the Friendship.. for real if they're that amazing then why is the relationship ending LOL I don't keep EX's as Friends... I don't keep in contact with EX's... the only exception for me is in the case of my EXH and thats only because we have wee peeps together so it's kind of essential. I think when People say they want to be friends it means either the person ending the relationship feels like sh*t on some level for screwing the other person over and they think it will make it not look as bad, OR the person who is ending the relationship is hoping to keep the other person as Plan B so to speak... when it's the person who's been dumped saying they want to stay friends IMO it means Let's be "Friends" so I can win your silly a** over again and you'll see what an idiot you are/were for letting me go to begin with... Could be wrong... Nah
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