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Is it worth trying to get back together, or should we just try to be friends(Updated)

e.grace

By e.grace
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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e.grace New Member

e.grace

Posted
Posted (edited)

"Brian.. I'm sorry I really don't mean to bother you but I just really feel like I need to talk to you about some things and if you don't wanna do that over the phone and rather do it over text that's fine with me and if you want to wait to talk that's fine too but I kind of just have a few questions and I'm not mad or anything I just wanted to talk some stuff out if that's okay with you because I want to stay friends if that's still what you want"

 

Long story short my ex broke up with me 3 days ago after being together for 4 months long distance (2 hours) and we're both 16. We talked and facetimed constantly but only saw eachother twice those 4 months so I get why he said that the distance was too much and I trust him when he says that's why he couldn't do this anymore. When he broke up with me the reasons he gave me made it seem like he genuinely had my best interest in mind because that's always the kind of person that he's been. I've thought about it a lot and although I loved him more than anything, I still care about him and don't want to lose the amazing friend I had in him, and I'm okay with staying friends. If he gets another girlfriend at some point, that's life and I won't be that hurt because I genuinely do want him to be happy. After we broke up I texted him later in the day and he asked if we could still be friends because that would make him happy.

 

The next day I texted him after not replying to his last message and asked him to call me so we could talk and he read it and didn't reply but idk if it was on purpose because that's typical of him. I just want to make things okay and I've come to terms with the fact that we may only get to be friends for now due to distance. I don't believe in the no contact rule as I know that he's not that kind of person who would start to chase me if I didn't contact him. Yet I understand that the more you hound someone, the more annoyed they become, but I really haven't hounded him at all. Can I send him that?

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learnbyliving Member

learnbyliving

Posted
Posted

You are only 16. This is the time to be free to try things on your own, find yourself, and to learn to be a self-sufficient adult. This probably feels like the world to you right now, but it is nothing. As a late bloomer, I seriously regret not taking my own advice when I was younger.

 

The no contact rule is to help you heal yourself, not to get your ex back. As long as you still have feelings for them, contact is like never getting enough of a drug you're addicted to, because you can no longer have them in the way you want. Terrible feeling.

 

Even if you were to send that text, it has too many apologies and catering to his whims. If you want answers, ask but don't beg.

 

But you're 16 so even if it's a mistake, it's still a life lesson, so good luck to you.

CarrieT Established Member

CarrieT

Posted
Posted

Don't send it...

  • Like 1
TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
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No, you can't.

 

And you may in all honesty resent me for this, and dislike what you read, but with regard to emotional maturity, you haven't even started to simmer, let alone be fully-cooked yet.

 

this is the whole world to you right now.

 

But as learnbyliving has pointed out, it's rare for a person as young as you to listen to advice when their heart is being shredded, because mainly, it's not what you want to hear.

 

I remember those days too... and I'm old enough to be your mother....

 

Try to listen to us.

Leave him be, stay No Contact (read the guide, link in my signature) and gain wisdom now, for this experience and others which will doubtless follow.

 

This may be your first love. It will not be the last and you may go through several relationships before finding joy, contentment and fulfilment with someone, one day.

But as for happiness, peace of mind and validation - YOU gain those, for yourself, along with self-respect, dignity and integrity.

Get those puzzle pieces into place, and who could fail to respect you?

pidgeon1010 Established Member

pidgeon1010

Posted
Posted

I am sorry you're going through this. I would advise against sending that text. It comes off as you being too emotional. I don't think you should send any texts at all, unless he reaches out to you first. However if sending this text is what you really need to do to gain clarity and move on, then I'll just send something like: "Hey there, I hope you're well. I have a few questions I'd like to ask you. Let me know if/when you're available to discuss. Thanks."

Jenmarie Member

Jenmarie

Posted
Posted

Don't send it. Stay strong for now. Trust me, it will just make you feel worse afterwards. Strict NC until you don't feel the urge to speak to him anymore. Then you won't need to.

  • Like 1
mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

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You will not hear any satisfying answers to your questions. His answers may even create new questions in your mind. There is no closure in the conversation that you seek.

 

You have to go through the pain to find a way to accept it for what it is. It's hard to break up, and even harder to break up long distance.

hoping2heal Established Member

hoping2heal

Posted
Posted

You can send it and I think you should, on the basis that I don't think people can ever heal while still in denial.

 

You are in denial pretty deep. Chances are, you will soon realize that you aren't as okay with being "just friends" as you think you are, and that your reaction to him getting a new girlfriend will not really be "oh well, that's life".

And...that's okay, you're young and inexperienced and this is all something to learn.

 

Now, I realize the message behind NC gets muddled when so many people comment along the lines of "she'll never miss you bruh if you're always there" and yada yada variation yada yada. NC is about not intentionally putting yourself in a situation where you will react to painful stimuli (e.g. seeing your ex) - it is not (though people might try to use it as such) an emotional manipulation tactic.

 

Now, it would be irresponsible of me not to tell you to brace yourself for what's to come. Do I think you sending that text (or any other) is going to end in a happy ending? No. But, if its going to allow you to delve deeper into false hope and denial to keep playing solution finding over and over in your head, I think the best possible thing you could do is go ahead and reach out and see what happens so you can have the chance to face reality about this break up and eventually, move on.

kenmore Established Member

kenmore

Posted
Posted
...I just want to make things okay and I've come to terms with the fact that we may only get to be friends for now due to distance. I don't believe in the no contact rule as I know that he's not that kind of person who would start to chase me if I didn't contact him. Yet I understand that the more you hound someone, the more annoyed they become, but I really haven't hounded him at all. Can I send him that?

 

Your actual words belie what you are saying a bit. Welcome by the way!

 

No, do not send him that! If you really want to "just be friends" then there's nothing to talk about, just be his friend. Text him when something interesting happens in your life, if you heard a good joke, if you change jobs. If he replies then you have a conversation going. If he does the same, you have a friendship going. If not, let it go.

 

But what you wrote says you want a relationship with him someday and that's different than just being friends. If that's the case, you should stop.

 

I know things happen in life and people get together in odd ways sometimes, but I'm just curious: What caused two young people to get into a long distance relationship anyway? That's typically the realm of desperate older people who can't find someone close to them or people who travel all the time. It doesn't fit your type. I'm not trying to be a jerk, I'm just curious how you fell for him in the first place, why you are so into him after only seeing him a couple of times and why you would want to remain friends? It seems to me you are just complicating your life.

 

At 16, you have lots of options. I suggest choosing one which is much more accessible. I do wish you luck and I know it hurts! Hugs!

 

Ken

kenmore Established Member

kenmore

Posted
Posted
...When he broke up with me the reasons he gave me made it seem like he genuinely had my best interest in mind because that's always the kind of person that he's been....and he read it and didn't reply but idk if it was on purpose because that's typical of him...

 

Hmm, I also think you are looking at him with rose colored glasses on. Since he broke up with you I doubt he had your best interests at heart, and he should never ignore you. I think those are a couple more red flags.

Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

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No, don't send it.

Jenmarie Member

Jenmarie

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I know you want closure, but you'll never ever get closure from your ex. You can't stay friends with someone you have feelings for, because you'll be miserable, hurt, confused and want more while he doesn't. You'll seem weak, and that'll push him further away.

 

I have been dumped in a three year relationship. When he was dumping me, he told me what he needed to say: He didn't want to be with me anymore. That was it. I went no contact immediately. He didn't have to go in depth with why or how this happened. Because it did. As much as I loved him, I didn't want him if he didn't want me. I didn't call, text or tell him I wanted to talk to him days later. Trust me, I did want to. I needed answers too. I wanted to talk it out, but how can you talk someone out of something like that? They don't want to be with you anymore, for whatever reasons, so let them sort their head out by not speaking to them. Let them miss you, while you collect your emotions and thoughts together. Speaking too early in the break-up when emotions are high is a big NO NO.

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e.grace New Member

e.grace

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

"hiii so I don't mean to bother you again but if you don't mind i want to talk to you because I have some questions and some stuff that I kinda wanna figure out because I'm really confused and I also wanna hear what you've been thinking lately too.. if you don't wanna talk on the phone that's fine we can just text but if you do want to just let me know if/when you're available to talk :)"

 

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 4 days ago on Thursday morning. We're both 17 and the relationship was long distance (2 hours) and he said the only reason he couldn't do it anymore was the distance. We texted a few hours after the breakup and he asked if we could still be friends. I texted him the next day (friday) and asked him to call me but he read it and didn't reply but I don't know if he did it on purpose because he sucks at texting. I really just want to talk things out and hear how he's feeling.

 

I have calmed down emotionally and I feel ready to talk things out honestly and maturely. The breakup wasn't on bad terms. Can I send this tonight or is it too early, should I wait a day or so, or maybe wait until Thursday or Friday? I want to talk to him about whether or not the distance was honestly the reason for the break up. If not, I want to know what it is so we can either choose to try to fix things together or I can take him up on being friends. If he wants to still be friends i will happily agree to do so not because I think it'll get me him back, but because he's an amazing friend who's great with advice. If he gets a girlfriend eventually and we're friends, that's good for him and it's not the end of the world, I want him to be happy.

 

I don't want to wait too long incase he starts to feel angry or something. I don't believe in the no contact rule at all, especially because I know him so well and that wouldn't work on him. I've come to the understanding that we are young and unexperienced and thag a relationship probably isn't going to work for us long distance, but if we stay in eachothers lives and still love eachother when we're way older, maybe something will work out- both of our families want to move to the same state coincidentally and we're both interested in colleges that are in the same state. Thanks for any advice!

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
ravfour4 Established Member

ravfour4

Posted
Posted

Didn't you already post this and everyone said either don't respond or tone your response from being so wishy washy and needy? It seems like you just want to send it - just do it if you want to.

SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

Posted
Posted

Send it.

 

You're seventeen. You have to live and learn. None of us have had perfect breakups where everything was nice and neat.

 

So, send the text. When everything is over, think about how you could have done better.

 

Live and learn.

  • Like 1
Fleur de cactus Established Member

Fleur de cactus

Posted
Posted

I was going to tell you to not send it but I see that Ray responded already. when a person said it is done, and you texted him asking him to call you and he did not respond, what else do you want from him? If you write to him he will probably laugh and will tell his friends or new girlfriend how clingy you are.

 

Don't get discouraged, You will find another man to love you. Also, like you said, you never know, you may end up together again in the future. But for now be proud of yourself and stand up tall and move on.

StrangerThanFiction Established Member

StrangerThanFiction

Posted
Posted
"hiii so I don't mean to bother you again but if you don't mind i want to talk to you because I have some questions and some stuff that I kinda wanna figure out because I'm really confused and I also wanna hear what you've been thinking lately too.. if you don't wanna talk on the phone that's fine we can just text but if you do want to just let me know if/when you're available to talk :)"

 

My ex boyfriend broke up with me 4 days ago on Thursday morning. We're both 17 and the relationship was long distance (2 hours) and he said the only reason he couldn't do it anymore was the distance. We texted a few hours after the breakup and he asked if we could still be friends. I texted him the next day (friday) and asked him to call me but he read it and didn't reply but I don't know if he did it on purpose because he sucks at texting. I really just want to talk things out and hear how he's feeling. I have calmed down emotionally and I feel ready to talk things out honestly and maturely. The breakup wasn't on bad terms. Can I send this tonight or is it too early, should I wait a day or so, or maybe wait until Thursday or Friday? I want to talk to him about whether or not the distance was honestly the reason for the break up. If not, I want to know what it is so we can either choose to try to fix things together or I can take him up on being friends. If he wants to still be friends i will happily agree to do so not because I think it'll get me him back, but because he's an amazing friend who's great with advice. If he gets a girlfriend eventually and we're friends, that's good for him and it's not the end of the world, I want him to be happy. I don't want to wait too long incase he starts to feel angry or something. I don't believe in the no contact rule at all, especially because I know him so well and that wouldn't work on him. I've come to the understanding that we are young and unexperienced and thag a relationship probably isn't going to work for us long distance, but if we stay in eachothers lives and still love eachother when we're way older, maybe something will work out- both of our families want to move to the same state coincidentally and we're both interested in colleges that are in the same state. Thanks for any advice!

 

How he's feeling or what he's thinking doesn't matter anymore. He broke up with you. Period. You may not believe in NC but I can tell you sending that text is not going to do you any favours. If you keep badgering him for his thoughts and feelings you are going to come off as unbearably clingy, needy, and desperate and only reinforce his decision to break up with you. I know you're hurting and confused, and I'm so sorry you're feeling like this, but keeping contact is only going to hurt you in the long run. You may feel you have a special connection with him, but he obviously doesn't feel the same. You can't make anyone feel what they don't feel and chasing after him is only going to push him farther away. So cool your jets and don't make contact. If he wants to talk to you, he'll contact you and then you can decide where to go from there.

William Established Member

William

Posted
Posted

Merged two threads on a similar topic; there may be some duplication. Thanks!

  • Author
e.grace New Member

e.grace

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

I've been NC with my ex since the day we broke up (5 days ago) and I'm just kind of curious as to whether or not he'll forget about me. We ended on good terms and he asked to be friends, the real only reason he broke up with me is apparently the distance. I asked him to give me a call to talk things over and he never did.

 

I've been SO tempted to contact him and I probably will in a week or two, but do ex boyfriends try to get over you if you just leave them alone? Like, say he wanted to get back together (slim chance) could he convince himself out of wanting that or even friendship if I don't talk to him for another week? I'm definitely interested in staying friends. I'm really worried he won't reach out to me either. We're both 16 and he's a teenage guy so does that make any difference? We'd been together since Feburary and talked every single day for hours both over text and facetime. Does he not miss that while I'm sitting here wishing we could just get that all back? How could he forget? :(

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
mightycpa Established Member

mightycpa

Posted
Posted

forget would be too strong a word... learn not to think about you is more correct.

 

As a bonus, during this very same period, you also learn how not to think about him.

 

Win-win.

yxalitis Established Member

yxalitis

Posted
Posted

No

I never stop thinking about my ex.

But I am learning to miss her less...

foolinlove79 Established Member

foolinlove79

Posted
Posted

I think it really depends on the rs and how long you were together and the guy. I know in my case ive heard back up to 4 months later.

 

Best thing you can do for yourself and your own recovery is to go nc and try to move on.

aisuru Established Member

aisuru

Posted
Posted

Some guys move on easily and some don't. Just like women.

 

Right now you need to worry more about yourself and less about him.

DexterLS Established Member

DexterLS

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Posted

It depends on him. You're 16, though. So, I wouldn't worry if this one forgets you or not. You will meet a lot of people.

 

Stick with NC.

kenmore Established Member

kenmore

Posted
Posted
Merged two threads on a similar topic; there may be some duplication. Thanks!

 

Nice new photo William, 007! LOL

 

Also, this deconfuses me a little.

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