donezo Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 I'm seeing this girl for 4 months and we started off great and got along really well in the beginning. As we got closer we got really comfortable with each other. We were not any kind of relationship but just hooked up. She was very adamant about me not hooking up with other girls while still seeing her. We would get into little arguments because I saw she was unappreciative sometimes and would be say demeaning things in a joking way, but when I joked around with her it would get on her nerves. I know we were nothing, but she was very affectionate in private but around her friends she was distant and acted like I didn't exist. She always told me she has never been this affectionate and open with anyone else but would still be paranoid if any of our friends found out we were hooking up. She wanted to go exclusive, but still wanted to no one to know not even my closest friends. Am i being played or over analyzing things?
OMC Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 Wants her cake and eat it too. Either she eats or gets up from the table.
Author donezo Posted July 1, 2015 Author Posted July 1, 2015 she also asked if things ended bad with us would I say anything to the people we know? Like bad things about her.
Keenly Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 You are being hidden from some one. Possibly her boyfriend. That's why she wants everything to be on the hush hush and acts like you don't exist in public.
Redhead14 Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 (edited) I'm seeing this girl for 4 months and we started off great and got along really well in the beginning. As we got closer we got really comfortable with each other. We were not any kind of relationship but just hooked up. She was very adamant about me not hooking up with other girls while still seeing her. We would get into little arguments because I saw she was unappreciative sometimes and would be say demeaning things in a joking way, but when I joked around with her it would get on her nerves. I know we were nothing, but she was very affectionate in private but around her friends she was distant and acted like I didn't exist. She always told me she has never been this affectionate and open with anyone else but would still be paranoid if any of our friends found out we were hooking up. She wanted to go exclusive, but still wanted to no one to know not even my closest friends. Am i being played or over analyzing things? Generally, when a dating partner wants to keep you a secret, it's because they are seeing other people and don't want to let the cat out of the bag so to speak -- keep it out of the public eye so as to not send a message to anyone that they're unavailable. she was distant and acted like I didn't exist -- that's because you don't. I'd move on. When someone really likes a partner, they are proud to be seen with them. They want people to know. She wants exclusivity, that's supposed to be an indicator of real interest. In this case, it's probably just a placeholder in case she can't find someone else or whomever she was involved with previously comes back. Edited July 1, 2015 by Redhead14 1
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 It sounds to me like you're not the only guy in her life. Sorry, OP, but if she's so insistent on hiding your relationship, there's a reason. It isn't normal for your partner to want to hide you. You would be crazy to be exclusive with her.
Redhead14 Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 (edited) she also asked if things ended bad with us would I say anything to the people we know? Like bad things about her. Oh boy, she's a piece of work . . . run, Forrest, run. She wants to control the probable outcome and do damage control before it happens . . . LOL. In other words, she's a whore and doesn't want anyone to know . . . geez Louise. She doing this to EVERYONE. Edited July 1, 2015 by Redhead14
Versacehottie Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 Generally, when a dating partner wants to keep you a secret, it's because they are seeing other people and don't want to let the cat out of the bag so to speak -- keep it out of the public eye so as to not send a message to anyone that they're unavailable. I generally agree with your advice. But this time, I respectfully provide another possibility. I have done this in the past not because I was ashamed of the guy or because I wanted to appear available. Wanting to let the relationship develop privately first without pressure from mutual friends was the reason. To be on more sure footing when we went public. It was fun and nice to have be bonded over something that was just us first. OP hasn't given any indication that's what could be going on here though. I would ask him if not only was she trying to have her cake and eat it too? Was he?
Redhead14 Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 I generally agree with your advice. But this time, I respectfully provide another possibility. I have done this in the past not because I was ashamed of the guy or because I wanted to appear available. Wanting to let the relationship develop privately first without pressure from mutual friends was the reason. To be on more sure footing when we went public. It was fun and nice to have be bonded over something that was just us first. OP hasn't given any indication that's what could be going on here though. I would ask him if not only was she trying to have her cake and eat it too? Was he? yes, this is a possibility. But were you managing the possible outcome upfront so as to save "face" by asking him not to say anything bad about you? I think not. This one is doing exactly what we are saying.
Versacehottie Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 (edited) yes, this is a possibility. But were you managing the possible outcome upfront so as to save "face" by asking him not to say anything bad about you? I think not. This one is doing exactly what we are saying. If I remember correctly, yes I did something to that effect. Less negative about myself by qualifying it as "bad". Just because you hope to keep mutual friendships as they are, not taint them, not be viewed through the opinions of someone who is by this point bitter (after a breakup) and bf level trust hasn't been built up yet. I can just imagine some version of OP's girls shoes. I think it's a distinct possibility we have only gotten half of the story here. It doesn't feel like he has told us what he has done to make her more or less comfortable with their relationship. He is only describing it from his bafflement. I definitely don't think we have the whole story. Such as what is the reason they were just hooking up for first 4 months and whose decision was that? If we go on just how he is presenting it and a lot of the logic answers here, then she is a sl*t who has no real interest in him. Well then why would he have been legitimately interested in her in the first place? And still at this moment? Maybe she is trying to prevent him from making her seem too easy? Obviously the relationship is not for show (yet at least). So ego or purely narcissist things are not the (only) reason she is doing it. Does she get a lot of comfort or support from him? It didn't sound like that was within this story. The bare minimum we see I think they don't trust each other (yet). If we knew more about how the OP treats her and what sorts of things they do together when alone, I think we'd have a better idea of her real motivations. Sometimes I have seen people completely baffled when they don't get their way when it's actually a two people problem. Let's see what he says. I just don't get what she is "getting" out of this, in other words what would be her motivation to behave like this? Edited July 1, 2015 by Versacehottie
No_Go Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 I agree with VH. She may be just uncomfortable (yet) to introduce you to other people because she want to form her opinion without others interfering. I think the fact that she told you she has never been that close to anybody and she wants to be exclusive makes me think this is the case, and she's not playing games with you. What are her age and dating history? Personal examples of similar nature: 1) I kept my first boyfriend a secret for the whole time, on/off 1.5 years. I didn't want to be judged by other people (we had a very big age difference, we were also long-distance for half of the time) before I know what my feelings are. Then I was not ready to "announce" that I'm sexual, I was keeping a forever-alone-and-happy-about-it image. However, I never cheated (or even thought of cheating to him), and he remained my first and only sexual partner nearly an year after the breakup. 2)My second boyfriend I happily announced to all my friends on the third week of dating, and his behavior afterwards was so repulsive (well, obviously not enough to break up) that I decided to keep him secret from my family for a while before he proves himself as a good person deserving that. He never did, so at very least after we broke up, I had to explain the story only to bunch of friends, not to get embarrassed in front of my entire family 3) My sister kept her boyfriend of 3 years as of now a secret for the first 3-4 months. I never asked why, but their relationship persevered nevertheless, and now he's public to all her friends and family ,
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