sylvanas Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 So what I'm about to describe is what I've done for nearly my whole life. For some unknown reason, I've always been afraid of guys thinking that I like them. Even they are flirting with me first, the thought of someone knowing that I like them is mortifying. I see it like a weakness or something they have on me. I am a very proud person, so I seem to have confused having interest with someone to looking desperate or needy, two things I NEVER want to be. So I've always tried really hard to counter the idea that I like them, by acting kind of indifferent or maybe even the opposite, that I don't like them. I know this is childish and it probably stems from childhood. I am constantly overevaluating my own actions and judging them wondering if I am appearing too needy--even when I think other people probably don't get this vibe from me. So when guys show me interest or flirt with me, I'm likely to be kinda of aloof or maybe even sort of snarky with them, even if I secretly started to like them too. I enjoy the attention and interaction with them a lot, but I just can't communicate that too them. On another note, I've been told by guys I AM dating that I am a poor communicator. Any way, so eventually as it happens, people get tired of the struggle with me and I'm(quietly) upset, stuck wishing that I'd done something differently about it. I hate that I'm like this. I don't think this is "playing too hard to get" because I don't feel like I'm playing games or trying to manipulate any one. This is based out of some sort of fear on my part. Or maybe my pride. How can I break this pattern. :/
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 So what I'm about to describe is what I've done for nearly my whole life. For some unknown reason, I've always been afraid of guys thinking that I like them. Even they are flirting with me first, the thought of someone knowing that I like them is mortifying. I see it like a weakness or something they have on me. I am a very proud person, so I seem to have confused having interest with someone to looking desperate or needy, two things I NEVER want to be. So I've always tried really hard to counter the idea that I like them, by acting kind of indifferent or maybe even the opposite, that I don't like them. I know this is childish and it probably stems from childhood. I am constantly overevaluating my own actions and judging them wondering if I am appearing too needy--even when I think other people probably don't get this vibe from me. So when guys show me interest or flirt with me, I'm likely to be kinda of aloof or maybe even sort of snarky with them, even if I secretly started to like them too. I enjoy the attention and interaction with them a lot, but I just can't communicate that too them. On another note, I've been told by guys I AM dating that I am a poor communicator. Any way, so eventually as it happens, people get tired of the struggle with me and I'm(quietly) upset, stuck wishing that I'd done something differently about it. I hate that I'm like this. I don't think this is "playing too hard to get" because I don't feel like I'm playing games or trying to manipulate any one. This is based out of some sort of fear on my part. Or maybe my pride. How can I break this pattern. :/ Find out what the (B., U.,) above is, then work on it.
losangelena Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 I think it's somewhat natural to feel that kind of hesitancy sometimes. I agree with Tara that you'd do well to try and explore WHY you feel this way. Other questions I have are: If you never express your like for someone, how are you even able to date anybody? Do you think there's anything wrong with expressing genuine like/interest in someone? Does it turn you off when someone expresses an interest in you? You're coming to a point where you see that your aloofness is hurting you. That's good, that means you're in a place to change. It's very normal and healthy to like people, and even to NEED them, and your pride and aloofness is keeping a separation between you and others. Ultimately, if you want close, reciprocal relationships, you're gonna need to tear down that wall. It may take some counseling/therapy to help sort out, or when you sense yourself doing it, it may just be a matter of intentionally doing the opposite, which could feel very unnatural at first.
Author sylvanas Posted July 1, 2015 Author Posted July 1, 2015 (edited) Well like you said, I definitely do think I have emotional walls up. Thick ones. I am put off when people act too forward or TOO interested in me. I think I feel like 'easy come, easy go', you know. I am probably pretty suspicious of people and their intentions. Edited July 1, 2015 by sylvanas
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 So.... How long do you intend to remain single and unattached? You need to lower those barriers a bit. Let your hair down, live a little, enjoy life, not let it pass you by. As the adage states, "You die regretting the things you DIDN'T do...." 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 Well like you said, I definitely do think I have emotional walls up. Thick ones. Why? I am put off when people act too forward or TOO interested in me. Why? I think I feel like 'easy come, easy go', you know. I am probably pretty suspicious of people and their intentions. Why?
losangelena Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 How can I break this pattern. :/ In response to this, there's never any magical wand you can wave to make things all better. I mean, you're basically looking to change an established pattern, which is going to take a lot effort, and a lot of time. The bright side is that you're aware of the problem, which is a huge first step. I mentioned it before, and maybe you're resistant to the idea (some are), but therapy or counseling is actually very helpful, especially if you're wanting to dismantle an entrenched behavior pattern. The can oftentimes help you tie certain things from your past together so that you can better see how they drive your thoughts/behaviors in the present. 1
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