My ex is back

[amkxoxo]

My ex and I had a fling two years ago. He wouldn't commit while claiming I was perfect and he liked me a lot. I waited around for him, and eventually as time passed we both faded away from each other. Going back to present day he has moved to where I live for work. He started texting me recently, and we made a plan to get together a few nights ago.

 

I didn't know how it was going to go since it has been two years. I figured things would be awkward or weird. Upon arrival, he met me outside and we both made casual greetings. He looked the same. As the night went on, we were drinking and having some food. The pull began to get tighter and tighter. It was like I just talked to him the other day. We caught up and laughed. It was like nothing had changed. It was comfortable.

 

We sat close to each other and when his roommate came home we all drank, ate, and played some board games. It was fun and easy. The night got later and later. I was in no shape to drive myself home. I knew my ex wouldn't let me. He is really paranoid about drinking and driving.

 

We ended up in his bed cuddled up watching tv. We used to do this all while we dated years ago. I couldn't believe we got into this predicament after one night of seeing each other again. Clearly, the sparks were still there. We ended up kissing a lot. Kissing led to talking about us. We talked about what happened years ago and why it didn't work. He told me he thought I was perfect back then and he cared for me a lot, thus he didn't think it was smart to be with me.

 

I questioned him and had tears in my eyes. I asked him if I was so perfect and great then why didn't he pin me down and make me his. If his feelings were genuine then why didn't he try harder?

 

He said he didn't feel he had anything to pin me down with. He had no money, no nice car, no job, and he was still living with his parents. He was graduating and moving home while I was going to still be in school. He felt it not working out.

 

I got his reasoning but I didn't get a good enough insight into why if he felt that way about me he didn't want to be with me.

 

This time around I was determined to be honest and make sure he knew where I stood. I told him I was looking for something serious with someone. I was looking for answers as to where we stood between us. I mean I was in his bed cuddled into his side kissing him. To me, that screams some sort of either fling, dating, or future relationship.

 

I felt I needed to know. He then started with how I am trying to jump to step 20 when we needed to start from step 1 this time around. I then realized I was probably scaring him away after only one night of being back together in such a long time by putting him on the spot with what we were. I just didn't want this time around to be me confused with no answers at all.

 

I then was asking him what step 1 was. Us laying in bed seemed more than a step 1. I then told him that step 1 could be him asking me out. I still did not get any sort of answers from him. I guess I was putting him on the spot too much. I shouldn't have done that. I was too expecting of him.

 

We slept cuddled all morning. I accidentally gave him two hickeys on his neck. I kept apologizing for them. I didn't meant to. He also didn't pull me off of him either. He had to go to work, so I was going home. We walked out together and he gave me a giant very squeezed hug and we parted ways. I didn't expect to hear from him.

 

About an hour later he texted me "I hope you're not upset with me." I was very confused about what he was talking about. I asked him what he was talking about. He told me "A lot happened last night and a lot was talked about."

 

I responded to him that I understood and I was a willing participant in it. I told him I just liked to know and be aware of what is going on, and that is just the kind of person I am. I let him know that I didn't expect what happened last night to happen and that I was still thinking about it myself. I told him I didn't know where he wanted to go from here, but that I was trying to do as he said and start from step 1 without jumping ahead.

 

He responded and changed the subject. Before he left for work, he covered the hickeys with some girl makeup. They looked barely visible. He let me know that some of the makeup must have rubbed off, because his work wrote him up. I felt so bad. I kept apologizing. I told him I would never want to do anything to negatively hinder his job and that I didn't want him to be mad at me for putting them there. He said it was fine and that his work wasn't super mad. It was just a protocol thing.

 

I'm not sure what our future holds, of it it holds anything. I am looking for some insight and help!

Edited July 1, 2015 by amkxoxo

[Toodaloo]

Go quiet. If he chases its something if not then its not.

 

Do not allow yourself to end up back in his bed for a while even if he does chase.

 

Keep future meetings with him in public and go home alone after.

 

Keep your feet on the floor and your ears open.

[smackie9]

Nothing has changed IMO. Things are just not adding up just like it wasn't adding up before. So what is his excuse this time? Starting a new job is too stressful? Needs to be more financially stable? needs to buy that new Audi first?

 

He's feeding you a line darlin. If a guy truly wants you in his life, he gives no excuses....so you got that right. As of now he's priority is getting some sex, and the way you are already emotionally attached to him, makes you an easy target. He doesn't want to commit because he is keeping his options open for something better....oh ya you know it. This guy is a real piece of work.

[aloneinaz]

Recycling past, failed relationships never work. He couldn't commit last time and is driving down that same road again. You did come across a bit strong w/all that talk upon meeting up with him again.

 

 

I'm a guy and we are famous for looking for the easy way for companionship even when we don't want to actually date them again. Most guys and girls will reconnect with an ex we've dumped if it looks like a quick fix to get laid or spend time w/someone when we have no better options at the moment.

 

 

You need to REALLY think about what's best for YOU. He's already dumped you once. Guys will go thru rough periods and not eject the girl in their life. Most of the time, guys NEED the girl in their life that they are in love with for support when times are hard for them.

 

 

There was something he didn't like or see in your the first time. He'll see the same thing again and only leave you with round two of hurt and pain. It's your choice if you want to go thru all that BS again.

[kendahke]

There is nothing to go on. You two got buzzed and fell into bed together and made out. To him, it was a way to pass the evening. To you, it's the rekindling of your relationship.

 

I disagree with him about his "step" philosophy. Step 1 is with someone who you either don't know or has crushed your heart under their bootheel. Spending the night, even if you two didn't have sex, is step 14, not step 1. Step 1 would be asking for a date.

 

I think he still isn't in the place to be who he thinks you need for him to be---and you know what? He may never be in that place for you. I say be friends with him--in fact, friendzone him until he starts talking about coming correct with you. Date other guys until one of them makes it clear that they want you as their woman--be it him or someone else.

 

All this is going to do is to hurt you over and over again because you want him to feel something for you he's either not prepared to feel or is reluctant to feel.

[smackie9]

Well I don't think the talk was too soon because they have already been together before, and that was the issue last time "commitment". So I don't blame her for expressing her expectations. She told him straight up this is what she is looking for "in general". If this was something he was looking for "in general" he wouldn't feel pressured.

[smackie9]

Spending the night, even if you two didn't have sex, is step 14, not step 1. Step 1 would be asking for a date.

 

I agree wit this^^^^ he's feeding you a lump of bs.

 

OP you did the right thing by calling him out....never ever say you shouldn't have. He's a snake in the grass.....He's been manipulating you all this time...making you feel like you are scaring off him by calling him out on his crap. Seriously stay away from this guy.

[amkxoxo]

I feel good now that I have heard your responses. Since we had been together in the past, I didn't feel bad about calling him out. I also agree that what we did was step 14. I even told him step 1 was a date. If he never asks it won't happen. I feel I am a lot smarter than I was the last time. I am a lot smarter than him this time around. He has been gone for 2 years, so I am not as hurt if things done pan out this time around. Its not like he has been around for me anyway. Sometimes I don't even know if he realizes what he is even saying to me. He left me confused two years ago and last night I was left confused again. Except this time it doesn't make me want to curl up into a ball and cry, like I did years ago. I'm stronger now.

 

He preaches step 1 so I suggest a date, then he makes excuses why that is not what he is saying either. I say one thing and he changes his story to make it so I don't make sense. I agree with him, and then he changes his story again so I don't make sense. I'm positive he is stuck here for at least a year, because he signed a lease. He mentioned thinking of moving away. What he doesn't realize is that moving will not make him happy. He is searching for a happier life, but running away doesn't work.

 

He works 6 days a week sometimes 12-14 hours a day. We wouldn't have a lot of time to spend together. But if someone really wanted to be with me, they could make the time. I would. He can. He doesn't. I am seeing him again friday night. I'm having a bunch of my friends over for a get together and he says he will stop by. We will see how this goes. I plan on catering to my friends because they are a permanent fixture in my life, and he is not.

[Toodaloo]

F it...

 

He is looking for a botty call and you were there.

 

Ignore him. Not worth it.

[aloneinaz]

I feel good now that I have heard your responses. Since we had been together in the past, I didn't feel bad about calling him out. I also agree that what we did was step 14. I even told him step 1 was a date. If he never asks it won't happen. I feel I am a lot smarter than I was the last time. I am a lot smarter than him this time around. He has been gone for 2 years, so I am not as hurt if things done pan out this time around. Its not like he has been around for me anyway. Sometimes I don't even know if he realizes what he is even saying to me. He left me confused two years ago and last night I was left confused again. Except this time it doesn't make me want to curl up into a ball and cry, like I did years ago. I'm stronger now.

 

He preaches step 1 so I suggest a date, then he makes excuses why that is not what he is saying either. I say one thing and he changes his story to make it so I don't make sense. I agree with him, and then he changes his story again so I don't make sense. I'm positive he is stuck here for at least a year, because he signed a lease. He mentioned thinking of moving away. What he doesn't realize is that moving will not make him happy. He is searching for a happier life, but running away doesn't work.

 

He works 6 days a week sometimes 12-14 hours a day. We wouldn't have a lot of time to spend together. But if someone really wanted to be with me, they could make the time. I would. He can. He doesn't. I am seeing him again friday night. I'm having a bunch of my friends over for a get together and he says he will stop by. We will see how this goes. I plan on catering to my friends because they are a permanent fixture in my life, and he is not.

 

 

You need to do what you feel is best. However, read what you wrote here and then ask yourself why you'd want to be engaged w/him on any level? Clearly, he's not changed. You're convenient to him since he now lives where you are and he has no one else at the moment. Don't be that door mat for him. You should really consider canceling him coming over so you can maintain your pride and dignity.

 

 

Spend your time and effort in finding someone who wants the same things you do. This guy never will.

[smackie9]

I don't know why you even bother letting this manipulator back into your life.....seriously why do you keep thinking something may happen when you already know it's not going to....stop giving him more chances.....you get the same results.....nothing is going to change or be any different. It's a waste of your engery. You need to drop your emotional attachment with him.

[amkxoxo]

I am. I am going to see other people and be single. I am single. If he doesn't act, I will be taken by someone else. He will lose. He clearly doesn't care all that much if he loses me, since he makes no move to keep me. I'm sick of excuses. I'm sick of the run around. I have good friends and a good life I have created for myself. He doesn't want to be apart of it, then he can be alone. This was his big second chance. I'm not expecting marriage from the guy. But to me us kissing and laying in bed meant something to me. I told him it did. He knows where I stand. HE is the one waiting. I am not waiting any more. I am living my life.

[walkingonair]

My ex and I had a fling two years ago. He wouldn't commit while claiming I was perfect and he liked me a lot. I waited around for him, and eventually as time passed we both faded away from each other. Going back to present day he has moved to where I live for work. He started texting me recently, and we made a plan to get together a few nights ago.

 

I didn't know how it was going to go since it has been two years. I figured things would be awkward or weird. Upon arrival, he met me outside and we both made casual greetings. He looked the same. As the night went on, we were drinking and having some food. The pull began to get tighter and tighter. It was like I just talked to him the other day. We caught up and laughed. It was like nothing had changed. It was comfortable.

 

We sat close to each other and when his roommate came home we all drank, ate, and played some board games. It was fun and easy. The night got later and later. I was in no shape to drive myself home. I knew my ex wouldn't let me. He is really paranoid about drinking and driving.

 

We ended up in his bed cuddled up watching tv. We used to do this all while we dated years ago. I couldn't believe we got into this predicament after one night of seeing each other again. Clearly, the sparks were still there. We ended up kissing a lot. Kissing led to talking about us. We talked about what happened years ago and why it didn't work. He told me he thought I was perfect back then and he cared for me a lot, thus he didn't think it was smart to be with me.

 

I questioned him and had tears in my eyes. I asked him if I was so perfect and great then why didn't he pin me down and make me his. If his feelings were genuine then why didn't he try harder?

 

He said he didn't feel he had anything to pin me down with. He had no money, no nice car, no job, and he was still living with his parents. He was graduating and moving home while I was going to still be in school. He felt it not working out.

 

I got his reasoning but I didn't get a good enough insight into why if he felt that way about me he didn't want to be with me.

 

This time around I was determined to be honest and make sure he knew where I stood. I told him I was looking for something serious with someone. I was looking for answers as to where we stood between us. I mean I was in his bed cuddled into his side kissing him. To me, that screams some sort of either fling, dating, or future relationship.

 

I felt I needed to know. He then started with how I am trying to jump to step 20 when we needed to start from step 1 this time around. I then realized I was probably scaring him away after only one night of being back together in such a long time by putting him on the spot with what we were. I just didn't want this time around to be me confused with no answers at all.

 

I then was asking him what step 1 was. Us laying in bed seemed more than a step 1. I then told him that step 1 could be him asking me out. I still did not get any sort of answers from him. I guess I was putting him on the spot too much. I shouldn't have done that. I was too expecting of him.

 

We slept cuddled all morning. I accidentally gave him two hickeys on his neck. I kept apologizing for them. I didn't meant to. He also didn't pull me off of him either. He had to go to work, so I was going home. We walked out together and he gave me a giant very squeezed hug and we parted ways. I didn't expect to hear from him.

 

About an hour later he texted me "I hope you're not upset with me." I was very confused about what he was talking about. I asked him what he was talking about. He told me "A lot happened last night and a lot was talked about."

 

I responded to him that I understood and I was a willing participant in it. I told him I just liked to know and be aware of what is going on, and that is just the kind of person I am. I let him know that I didn't expect what happened last night to happen and that I was still thinking about it myself. I told him I didn't know where he wanted to go from here, but that I was trying to do as he said and start from step 1 without jumping ahead.

 

He responded and changed the subject. Before he left for work, he covered the hickeys with some girl makeup. They looked barely visible. He let me know that some of the makeup must have rubbed off, because his work wrote him up. I felt so bad. I kept apologizing. I told him I would never want to do anything to negatively hinder his job and that I didn't want him to be mad at me for putting them there. He said it was fine and that his work wasn't super mad. It was just a protocol thing.

 

I'm not sure what our future holds, of it it holds anything. I am looking for some insight and help!

 

 

 

Going through the same thing right now:(It's really stressful and if you continue to stay in contact with him, you will continue to be confused stressed and it's gonna impact your self esteem.He obviously still is afraid and doesn't want something serious so he's gonna take you on a roller coaster.I know it's had not talking to him but talking to him will complicate your life even more because you will never know where you stand with him and will always walk on egg shells cause you'll be too afraid to scare him and say and do the wrong things.If you wanna tal,k PM me.I've been through this type of relationship for a long time and I can try to help you

[smackie9]

Listen, he has you pegged, especially when you told him that it meant something to you....that proved to him you are emotionally weak for HIM. And he is going use that to his advantage. He isn't going to wait....