amytct Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Well, Tuesday will mark one month of NC. I'm proud of myself for staying strong. I mentioned this on the board before, but I find it interesting how many of you are still talking to your exs on some level. I know in my heart that he is never going to speak to me again. I try to focus on the bad things in our relationship, that after three years I had never met his family or friends, that I wasn't a priority in his life, that he constantly blew off plans with me at the last minute and, the very hurtful thing I found out after the breakup, he had already posted a profile on match.com and was looking for someone else before he even dumped me. Despite everything, a part of me still loves this jerk, and it bugs me to no end. I feel I'm a fairly intelligent person, so why do I find myself still dwelling on the wonderful parts of our relationship, generally the first year when he was falling in love with me and couldn't wait to spend time with me. I realize as well that it's too soon, but I honestly feel like I'll never be interested in another man again. I've been coming down with something this weekend and haven't left the apartment at all, so I suppose that's not helping matters. I wish I could erase him from my mind, I feel like I wasted three years of my life and I'm destined to be alone. (Not getting any younger.) Thanks for letting me vent.
Angeleyez2583 Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Trust me hun. He's a JERK. He dumped you. So he gave up a great thing. You just need to keep yourself busy and try not to think of anything but how great you are!And the month of NC is amazing! Congrats! But just remember, when you least expect it, the next guy will come around. Just don't settle for someone. Wait till you find a guy who puts those butterflies back into your stomach!
deemanct Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Hello Amytct. I'm an advocate of NC also, even though many say it's too harsh or spiteful, etc... I don't advocate spite, anger, headgames, or any of that stuff. That stuff is not what I mean by NC. It allows the feelings to die down so you can see what you have to work with. By that I mean, you can reflect on it with an eye for honesty, of what really was, not necessarily what you were believing "was". [i.e. I had never met his family or friends, that I wasn't a priority in his life, that he constantly blew off plans with me at the last minute and, the very hurtful thing I found out after the breakup, he had already posted a profile on match.com and was looking for someone else before he even dumped me. ] This may sound corny, but I've come to think of a relationship as a 'body'. If you feed it well and take reasonable care of it, it will treat you well in return. If it gets injured, it will need time to heal. If the injury is traumatic, you need no or little contact with others (especially the one who delt the traumatic blow) while the healing runs it's course. Once you feel you can get up and around, you have to pace yourself because the 'emotional flesh' around the wound and resultant scar, won't be as supple and flexible as it was before the injury. I have issues myself with my current live-in GF who dumped me, and slept with her ex H after dating me (not living together) for 6 months. She told me I was her soul mate, that she loved me, and wanted to be with me forever. ( I still cry sometimes when I read the cards she gave during those first six months) She maintains what seems to me to be an un-neccessarily warm and engaging relationship with him "for the sake of the kids" ( her words...she has two from her marriage to him). I have confronted her about it ( and says she feels like I don't trust her...) but she still has not tried to set any boundaries with him that would keep conversations centered on the topic of the kids and thats all. I don't think she understands the emotional scar it left on the "body" of our relationship, although she has cried and apologized on several occassions when I have brought it up. I think if I had NC with her for a while after that, I may have been able to better understand the motivations of all involved, including myself. Not that I would have hated her or him or been playing headgames, just to reflect on the situation and look for what "rings true". I didn't do that. 2 weeks after going back with him, he went back to his GF and my GF came back to me. I've never told her, but it certainly made me feel second best, if that. Anyway, back to your situation...I think the feelings of love run really deep...right to the core of our being (at the risk of sounding cosmic...) thats why you still feel them for him. I say, don't erase him from your mind, just keep an eye open for the truth about him as he runs through your thoughts. It'll make you a better, wiser mate in your next long term relationship. Sounds like you can easily do better next time around anyway! ...and feel free to vent anytime. you're not alone. Hope you get feeling better too. (and thanks for letting me vent a little too.)
Fallen_Angel Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by Angeleyez2583 Just don't settle for someone. ...Especially not someone who won't introduce you to family and friends! Sheesh! What a jerk. I don't think there's anything wrong with thinking about the positive aspects of your relationship. After all, that's what you miss - not the part where he acted stupid. You were fortunate to have the good times, and as a person you'll learn from the not-so-good times. You do deserve a guy who will make YOU a priority. In fact we all deserve that from the next person who comes into our respective lives. Though I understand when you say you can't see yourself interested in another man again. I feel the exact same way. But I hope someday I'll feel differently. Congrats on the one month mark!! That's awesome.
Author amytct Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 As always, thanks for the kind replies. This site has enabled me to see how many wonderful people there are in the world. I had to mention something in response to the "head games." In the first six months of our relationship, we had a minor tiff because he didn't do anything for my birthday. I told him after the fact that I had wanted to spend time with him and he replied that I should have said something to him. I agree that I should have, but I also think it's instinctive to want to be with your special someone on their birthday. Anyway, I sent him what he perceived to be a nasty e-mail and he replied that he was "getting too old for head games." So, when he dumped me over a month ago, how does he handle it? He just stopped talking to him and let things end with the silent treatment. How mature is that? And if that isn't a form of head games, what exactly is it? He's not only a jerk, he's a A-1 hypocrite! I feel sorry for the next woman he becomes involved with.
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