allymac Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 My boyfriend broke up with his first love when she and her family moved to Europe. He met me the following year at college. For most of the time I have known him they have chatted regularly through email and on Skype but seen each other in person only a few times. He is quite involved in her life still. He didn't approve of the guy she dated after him and made this well known to her and everyone else. He has told me many stories about her and sometimes it felt as if he might even what me to take note of how close they are for example a couple of times when we were talking online in our early days of dating he would mention how funny it was he was talking to both of us at same time. We have now been together six years. A lot of his previous behaviour could be put down to immaturity and I thought we have moved on from the issue of his ex however it all came to a head when we went travelling around Europe together last year and stayed with his exes family. I became upset seeing how close they were in person - I felt like the odd one out as a couple of times they would go outside for private chats. We broke up for a while after this trip due to not entirely related issues. He was devoted to winning me back however and has seemed much more committed and loving since. He did say that he talked to his ex a lot about our issues when we were apart because he felt she was the only one he could talk to which annoyed me. Because I was still suspicious (and I know this is not good behaviour) I went snooping a little on his computer. Although I didn't see any messages between him and his ex I did see some messages between him and her sister from after our visit with his family. He mentioned our break to her and she replied that it must have been tough on our relationship for him to see his ex again. He said a few things in response to this but the thing that stuck out it is that he said it was hard for him not to make comparisons between relationships. I don't want to throw a way a 6 year relationship which has been mainly happy but I am scared that I will always be second best - that he would have rather been with her had long distance not been an issue. I tell myself this is probably not the case since although he has stayed close with her I haven't seen signs he has actually tried to get her back and he does say he loves me and wants a future but I have still have doubts. I don't want to be the paranoid jealous girlfriend. Any advice?
La.Primavera Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 I can see why this situation would bother you and why you might feel second best. For many people (myself included) this would be an absolute deal breaker. I guess that is part of the problem. You have tolerated it for six years. It would be difficult to turn around and say that you have a problem with it now and ask him to let go of their friendship without potentially causing a huge amount of resentment. To be honest, from what you have described I doubt he would even agree to it. I guess that is the risk. You might ask him to choose your relationship over her but he could refuse. There is no going back once you have said how you truly feel but you have to consider what your future looks like with her presence always there in the background. Any disagreement he will go straight to her. He did say that he talked to his ex a lot about our issues when we were apart because he felt she was the only one he could talk to which annoyed me. There is no getting around it. They didn't break up because they drifted apart or one of them lost feelings for the other. They were separated by distance. He never had to let her go. You have indulged or at least tolerated this situation enough to let it continue but if you can't take it anymore and you find it harder to trust him then you have to say something. All the best.
darkmoon Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 say something, but what? you sound too meek to assert yourself, some would just tell her to eff off and mean it, she is only a hanger-on, stand your ground for a change
Gaeta Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 You cannot tolerate a behavior for 6 years than decide it's a deal breaker for you. If it bothered you than it had to be addressed from the beginning, now it's too late. Because of this if you are unhappy with this situation it's up to you to leave, not up to him to change. 3
Arieswoman Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 I agree with Gaeta ^^ I'm afraid. It's bit late now to put your foot down. You could try it but I don't think he'll agree. Sorry x
KatZee Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 I don't know how you've dealt with this for 6 years. What makes it worse is what someone else already said. They only reason they broke up was due to her moving. Not because someone fell out of love, or found someone else, or cheated. There was no bad ending here, and not for one moment have these two stopped contact since she left. I feel like the only thing preventing them from being together is her location, and I feel like if she were to suddenly move back, he'd be with her in a second. I get his mentality. He can't be with her, so he obviously can't pine for her forever, so he MUST move on. That person has been you. The fact that he's even said: "I'm making comparisons between the relationships" is awful. He should not be comparing you to anyone, you are your own person. Obviously he has her on his own personal pedestal and it's unfair of him to try to hold you to his standards of her or whatever they had. He is very involved in her life, more so than any other "platonic friend" would be. He cares for her very much, and trusts her on a very high level. It's hard enough to get over a first love, but to get over a "first love" that you never fell out of love with, or stopped contact with at all? I don't want to be the negative one here, but it has to come down to you or her. I don't think it's right for you to have to always be wondering what's going on with them, feeling like a third wheel when YOU'RE the girlfriend now, knowing that he's turning to her when you guys have problems. It's just weird. And it's not fair to you. I also don't think you can be like, "It's me or her, and if it's her I'm leaving." She's been a very big part of his life for a very long time, and he's not going to take that well. I would just explain how you're not happy or comfortable in this situation anymore. You don't feel like he's over her, and feel like you're second best in this whole thing.
RJays7 Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 It sounds like you have always had a great relationship, has this never come up before? If you truly love him and don't want to lose him I think it is about time you had an open and honest conversation about how this relationship makes you feel. If you are meant to be together I am sure he will see how his relationship with his ex makes you feel and will see how much he loves you. If not, I guess he made your decision much easier. RJays7
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