Heather130 Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 I’m not sure where to start, I’m still stunned. I’ve been in a relationship with a manic-depressive for 2 years….or should I say was. Yup, he had issues and has issues to this day, but I fell madly in love with him. We have been through so much and I always stood by him no matter what, even when he felt hopeless and lost his job because of his depression (he is doing better now after switching meds), he could always count on me for anything. Now I will start informing you all why I’m here. I have bought a place (me and MY daughter are currently living with my folks) and we were to all move in together, we picked out the carpet and paint color 3 weeks ago, every things was going accordingly. He told his roommate that he was moving in with me and that he would be out by June. Three days ago he told me (4 weeks before our position date) that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore (news to me), he says the thought of moving in with me and taking on the family roll scared the living daylights out of him and he can’t do it. He says he lived with a person for 8 years in the past and fell out of love with her and does not want to go thought that again and be trapped in a place he despises being in. He says he is such a loner and loves his loner, beer drinking lifestyle and that he is terrified of making a change that would mess up my life and his even more… He has problems isolating him self a lot, I just figured this would be good for him and thing would just fall into place. My problem is I just can’t understand why one minute we were picking out appliances and him being all for it and the next minute he dumps me. I am absolutely devastated, heart broken and confused. I’m ok with him not moving in with me if that is what he wants but to break it off with me and to say he is not in love with me that is a shock. If anyone could help with any advice, I’m sitting here dumbfounded.
deemanct Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Hi there Heather130. I'm going to go back and read your post again, but my initial impression is that he has not been, for what ever reason, entirely up front with you about his not wanting to enter into a living together arrangement. He may do fine continuing on as before (living separately), but his defense mechanisms ( I don't love you anymore, etc...) kick in when he gets afraid. He may not be able to be that honest with himself, nevermind being that up front with you that he may not want to live together, but still be in love. Some people just have trouble facing what they think and feel, therefore you get what I call the 'defense mechanisms' rather than simple honesty. Deemanct
Jadey Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Heather, As a Manic Depressive myself i cant tell you that its probably the cause of him changing his mind so quickly. He wos most probably excited about moving in with you cos maybe he wos having his "good episodes" but then he may have got really down again and thought he just cant handle it. Almost any man, or even woman, would be pretty scared of such a big change, let alone somebody with his problems. Its all too much for him. As for not being in love with you he probaly is still really. Hes just too scared to move in with you and thinks that saying hes not in love anymore will help you to "get over him" Some people generally do like to be a loner and do there own thing. Sadly for all of us we cant really change how people are. Thats up to him. This is a hard one and im not sure wot you could do. Maybe just speak to him and ask if he really meant it when he said hes not in love anymore? If he says he is really i guess its up to you weather you can carry on a realationship without him living with you and your daughter? Good luck
bleary Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 You need to connect with friends/family and talk to them about this asap. Being involved with someone who has a mental illness is a hugely difficult experience - and, sadly, all too often an extremely unrewarding one. The fact that you have children places further stress on this whole situation as you have to consider the effect this man's actions and inconsistency have on them as well as on you. Some people can cope with mental illness to the extent that they manage to sustain reasonably good relationships, but it may well be that this man isn't one of them. Going through therapy might help him to a certain level, but the focus of therapy is often on what's best for the patient. Other people who get emotionally involved with that patient are expected to show endless patience, and the illness can becoming an energy-sapping focal point of the whole relationship. It's not a healthy place for you to be in, and as he has given you the chance to get out of the relationship you really should grab that chance with both hands. You have other commitments that are more deserving of your attention and energy than this man is, but you might well need some professional counselling to help you through this awful time.
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