ooo_Kay Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 Hi, so I'm obviously new and I would greatly appreciate any feedback. I'll try to keep it short as possible. Thanks. To start off, my fiancee and I have been together for 10 years, it will be 11 in August, we've been engaged for 4 years. We both started out as friends, I met him when I was 18 y/o and he was 23 y/o. During that time, we were both in relationships. We always had a mutual attraction to each other but never cross those lines. Probably within 7 months of knowing him, he just disappeared and I didn't hear back from him. About 3 months later he showed back up, he was depressed because he broke up with his girlfriend. He was so depressed he was like in suicidal mode but eventually wanted to move on and moved. We kept in touch after he had moved, still were friends. About 3 months after I broke up with my ex we decided to date. It was a long distance relationship but saw each other when we could and made it work. About a year into the relationship he ask me to move in with him and followed my heart to FL. I think I know what cause our relationship to go downhill and that started when we worked together. Being with your spouse 24/7 isn't all that great. I like to separate work from personal when I'm at work but it just never works that way. So the stress of being at work comes home with us.When we get home, we separate ourselves. I can't recall a time when we actually sat down at the dinner table at home or even had a proper conversation without work being involve. When we walk through that door, he goes to his room gets on his computer and play games with his friends while I'm in the living room entertaining myself with a book or television. I suggested counseling in our 6th year because I had enough of it, we talk about what needs to be done and it would stick for about a month and would go back to the way it was. I did tell him that I wanted a break and just like his ex, he threaten to hurt himself by locking himself in the bathroom with a knife. I stayed, now I just feel trap. People ask when we're getting married and I can't give an honest answer. I find that I give more than I take. I do a bulk of the work when we're home, I consider myself to be very independent and tend to do things myself. I do my duties, cook, clean maintain the household as a woman should. I also do the bills, yard work, wash the car, heavy lifting (i.e moving things around the house) and every now and then fix whatever needs to be fix. He doesn't do any of that, he'd rather pay someone off to do things. I can not get something from him, like a massage without him getting something in return. Can I say he takes care of me, sure he does we split the bill. When he says he takes care of me, he means providing me with material things that I could buy myself and do. All I'm asking is for his time, I miss being lazy on the couch just watching movies together. I just feel neglected, there is a big disconnect and I'm sure he realizes it but doesn't want to acknowledge it. It sounds as though I'm clingy but I'm really not, that's how much space we have between us. We can go a day without talking to each other and it shouldn't be that way. When he went on a business trip for a couple of weeks, I got three texts from him. I didn't miss him. The week after he got back we took off for my birthday, let's just say I paid for my dinner and stayed home on different sides of the house that week. I'm not afraid to be alone, I keep wanting to try but I've given so much of my time and was so invested in this relationship it's like I don't know who I am anymore without him and I'm questioning whether it's just me.
yxalitis Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 Sounds like you've put up with an uncaring, lazy man. He's past caring, and just thinks you won't ever leave, and then threatens suicide if you mention it. I can't give you advice, when someone is threatening themselves, you need professional counselling, this forum is not the appropriate venue for you. Go see someone professional, ask their advice. No one here is qualified to handle this situation.
mightycpa Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 Hi UK, You've got a real mixed bag here. On the one hand, there's the whole mental issue with threatening to cause yourself harm. Life can throw some pretty hard curveballs, and you have to ask yourself a) if you can deal with that kind of stuff when the chips are down, and you could use a fighting partner instead and b) whether you want your children to potentially suffer from the same That "hurt myself" stuff sounds like emotional blackmail. I wouldn't put up with that, and I'd be worried that I might be the first one who gets cut if I don't get out of there. I'd be long gone by now, but that's just me. The other thing is that everybody ends up in some kind of rut. This will happen with virtually everybody you're with. After all, at the end of the day, we are all flawed people. We get tired of things, and that includes the people we are with sometimes. It happens to everybody. Some people slog through it; others divorce; others work on it eventually. You'll go through days of not talking to each other, no matter who you're with. That happens too. It's not the end of the world. The end of the world is when it happens all the time, and for days and weeks, not once in a while. I take it you're relatively young 30's. The typical reaction of the even younger than you is to not tolerate the inevitable, and to go off and search for someone where this kind of thing won't happen (GIGS). When they get wiser and older, they see that maybe they did better, maybe they didn't, but they still suffer from the same problem every now and again. Nobody escapes what you're experiencing, but you're on the cusp of attaining the wisdom that comes with age and experience. You're worried this is chronic. It might just be, if he stays with you. Sometimes, I think it takes the cost of losing someone to wake you up, and make you a better person for the next serious one that comes along, and that person gets the much better version of the person you discarded. So, you might be doing both yourself, and some young lady a favor if you go your own way. You have to do what you feel is right for you. Not sure anybody can tell you what that really is, until you tell us. Good luck. 2
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