deadelvis Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) is this a real thing? obviously I understand the bad boy/family man concept of the passionate lover vs. the stable provider... but what I'm wondering is do some women actually suffer from a condition where they subconsciously divide men and/or sexual encounters into two distinct categories: the fun casual hookup vs. the loving partner. And also, does anyone have experience with women who can only reach orgasm or have sexual desire with casual/wild encounters but not in a loving relationship? I'm beginning to suspect my SO has a female version of the virgin/whore complex. Once she fell in love with me her sex drive disappeared and she lost interest in any wild sex. Before falling in love with me she was highly sexual and freaky (with me and with previous hookups). When having a ONS or casual hookup she is highly sexual, kinky and more easily reaches orgasm, but has zero attachment. With a partner she has low libido, prudish, never reaches orgasm, but is a very loving and attached partner. I was able to watch this transformation happen as she fell in love with me and I went from being the bad boy lover to the stable long term partner... I know plenty of men suffer from the virgin/whore complex, but it's rarely discussed as relating to women. Anyone else experienced this? I'm more interested in the physical implications versus the dating aspect. I realize women will date a bad boy but marry a family man. What I'm wondering is more: any experience with women who will engage in wild sex and reach orgasm with men who they don't care about, but only have non-orgasmic "vanilla" sex with long term partners? Edited June 30, 2015 by deadelvis
66Charger Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) I tried to post to your last thread but it was obviously deleted. brutal. When your SO looks at what she acheived living the fast crazy life, what does she come up with? A strong marriage? Nope. A loving partner who will stick with her thru thick and thin? No. White picket fence and happy children? Sorry no. Perhaps she just looked at all that and even if she thought it was fun, she still ended up with nothing. Now she wants more. She wants the forever. She wants the stability, the white picket fence. The VANILLA. She knows she has to change something. It is not about you, and her desire to have wild crazy sex with YOU. Perhpas its about her FEAR that if she goes that route she will end up with what she received in the past. Nothing. This is a compliment to you. She doesnt want to f it up. So she reflects and sees what went wrong. All she sees is the self absorption fun sexy taboo stuff. That is easy for her to change. Is her kink still there? Yes. Does she fear that it may cause damage? Yes. What should you do? Accept her compromise. She can be your whore later She wants to know that your relationship will not end like the rest so she is playing it safe. Based on your previous post, that seems reasonable to me. You should really figure out if you can do the time, build her a house and let the kink come out for special occasions only. Thats what she wants now. All she is trying to do is control the outcome, so she controls everything. Even her orgasms. You will get the bog "O" when she stops controlling it and she will stop controlling it when she knows you belong to her. Everyone knows when a woman is mentally relaxed, sparks fly. She cares about you and your relationship. Its your turn to compromise. Edited June 30, 2015 by 66Charger
Author deadelvis Posted June 30, 2015 Author Posted June 30, 2015 Nice reply. Very thoughtful. I agree to an extent. But there's always a part of us (either gender, I'm sure women can relate to this) that want's to say "hey! I can be your virgin and your whore!" I feel like it doesn't have to be one or the other. The thing I think is difficult to understand is the "well you were more than happy to do X,Y, and Z with some one night stand but now it's off limits because you love me?" That's a hard concept to grasp for me, and I'm sure many others as well. But your reply was very good. I will definitely be thinking about it.
casey.lives Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 the female virgin/whore complex is the only one i've ever heard of.. and it's very common.. and natural. for me, being young plays a role in it. f-king and making love are also part of what's happening. personally, i don't have experience not orgasming but i think that's unrelated.
66Charger Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 You have to earn the virgin/whore. Dont even think you dont have to regardless of what happened in the past. Women are just so damn complicated, but you just have to figure out which one is worth the aggravation. That was a really good letter/text she wrote. That may be the best you can get right now.
guest569 Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 I wonder if it is unrelated to love and feelings, and just that you've been together for a while and her interest levels have dropped. Doesn't this happen a lot in relationships?
autumnnight Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 Sometimes when I woman who likes freaky feels judged or regarded as a slut for her past behavior, she becomes insecure and guarded and more cautious.
Author deadelvis Posted July 1, 2015 Author Posted July 1, 2015 Interest levels do drop, as does sexual attraction. But I don't think that's really what's going on here. For example my SO has actually become much more attentive and affectionate. She can hardly stand being apart from me and seems overwhelmed with her feelings of love, but her libido, arousal and orgasm have become non-existent. When we were first dating it was the opposite. She was very sexual and kinky, but had no attachment toward me.
Discjockey80 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 It's a sad thing because so many women don't understand that their men would feel so much more valued and loved if they had kinkier more adventurous sex with them. 2
autumnnight Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 There are women who, for a variety of reasons, use sex as a..shield? of sorts. That is kind of something that makes them feel valuable or attractive or what have you. Once a man has made them feel safe, has made them feel cared for, seems to see past their genitalia, they have the courage to let the REAL intimacy (for them) show. The affection, the openness emotionally, the vulnerability, the nakedness that goes beyond taking off clothes. I can understand why to some men it would seem they suddenly pulled back because they aren't kinky and "bad" anymore. Believe it or not, it can actually be a compliment. It means they trust you as a man enough to show their real selves and not just the flashy stuff they think they have to perform with to get or keep a man. I really think if a man is patient, truly values the woman as a person, and doesn't use their past to either punish, manipulate, or belittle them...the woman will come back around. Or, because she feels truly loved by the man, she will respond to his loving requests for more adventure.
Discjockey80 Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 There are women who, for a variety of reasons, use sex as a..shield? of sorts. That is kind of something that makes them feel valuable or attractive or what have you. Once a man has made them feel safe, has made them feel cared for, seems to see past their genitalia, they have the courage to let the REAL intimacy (for them) show. The affection, the openness emotionally, the vulnerability, the nakedness that goes beyond taking off clothes. I can understand why to some men it would seem they suddenly pulled back because they aren't kinky and "bad" anymore. Believe it or not, it can actually be a compliment. It means they trust you as a man enough to show their real selves and not just the flashy stuff they think they have to perform with to get or keep a man. I really think if a man is patient, truly values the woman as a person, and doesn't use their past to either punish, manipulate, or belittle them...the woman will come back around. Or, because she feels truly loved by the man, she will respond to his loving requests for more adventure. Agreed, although I will add that to ME personally I would take it as an insult if she couldn't be a certain way (kinky) with me because we had a good emotional connection. Wild uninhibited sex bonds a man and woman together and if a man experiences love that way then things won't work out if the sexuality becomes overly vanilla or too gentle. Everyone is different and this can be a touchy subject. Especially because I realize the idea of a man falling out of love over 'less' wild sex is threatening to a woman's sense of closeness and vulnerability. I think often the same is true for men too in the opposite.
PogoStick Posted July 9, 2015 Posted July 9, 2015 I've certainly been with a woman who was more open minded and sexually fun. Then she got her relationship and fking gave up trying. If that's the case, don't settle, don't put up with it. Mine was a good girl to begin with though. I wasted too much time on that BS and it's one of the most important lessons of my life; wish I had learned it much sooner.
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