gladhappypink Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Hello I am new to this site and coming here in hopes of finding advise from others who have been in or are in a similar situation to mine. I am a single woman in a 6 year relationship with a MM whom I love very much. We have a 3 year old daughter. We began our relationship when he was seperated from his wife, however he is still married and I'm still hanging on. MM has three adult daughters, who recently learned about our daughter. The girls have not met yet. I'd really like some advise on this subject, has anyone had children with MM who have met with siblings? MM really wants them all to meet one another but I'm not sure. I have a good relationship with MM's family...sisters, father ect... they are all a part of our daughters life. However they have not had contact with his wife or other daughters for over 15 years, very strange! I recently moved out of state to get a new start. He comes to visit twice a month. How do I move on and allow them to keep in contact?
RecordProducer Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 There is one woman on LS that has a child with a MM. In my opinion, you should act as if you're divorced from him and let him see the child twice a month. I hope he admitted the child and also hope you stopped sleeping with him. He is obviously not leaving his wife. Move on and have a life. Ex-husband, ex-BF, ex-MM, it makes no difference. He is your ex with whom you have a child. You love him? Well he doesn't seem to love you enough to move in with you. It seems that his comfort is more important to him. Sorry for being harsh, but I read many posts about MM and OW and see the crap the latter take from the former.
Author gladhappypink Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 Thank you for the advise I am moving on or at least trying to. He can be very convincing it is difficult to walk away after so many years. Yes I have stopped sleeping with him that happen as soon as I found out He went back to her. He was living with me before I moved out of state. He claims He could not find a place on such short notice and living with her is only temporary (yeah right it's been six months). NO He did not leave her for me they were already seperated when our relationship started. The fact that he went back to her has made me lose ALL respect for him. What I would really like advise on is the best way of dealing with our daughter. Is there anyone dealing with OC, what might I expect??? At this point I am just concerned about protecting my daughter. I guess what I am trying to determine is... Is it in my daughters best interest to allow his daughters and our daugher to have contact with one another?? Does any one know of sites dealing with OC???
Sad Flower Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 hmmmm.....Well I am the OW recordproducer was talking about above..I have a son with my ex MM..he barely met him and my son has met his son...he has said his son likes our son alot I know that was a big concern to him! Does MM bother with your daughter? How does his wife deal with her? how did his daughters BARELY find out about your daughter??
Author gladhappypink Posted May 3, 2005 Author Posted May 3, 2005 I guess a little more history would help... We lived together for six years, several years before our daughter was born. Prior to our relationship he was separated from his wife for four years, in the process of a divorce with no contact or so he said!!!!??? Bottom line is they have never been divorced. During this time to the best of my knowledge he had little or no contact with his wife or children....I urged him to change that and I think that ironically led to our demise. In all honesty a part of me still hopes that things will change but that will never be. Anyway long story short I moved out of state in order to start over and to see if He would follow plus I was tired of being OW even though he insisted that was not the case. Funny thing is we went back to her after 10 years that was a big red flag and really opened my eyes to what kind of man he really is. Plus this meant he failed the test I secretly set up for him and I promised myself this would be the final straw. He is 12 years older than me and the differences are beginning to become apparent which he always points out. However we are making strides in getting to a point of becoming just friends. I do still love him and probably always will. We still keep in contact; I do it mainly for my daughter. He comes to visit her twice a month at least that is what I keep telling him and myself. We have not slept together for six months and I plan to keep it that way. I am not sure with regard to his wife and how she would deal with our daughter which scares me. I think he kept our daughter a secret (which he denies) until now I am really not sure. All I know is his 24 year old daughter confronted him about weather we had a daughter or not and he had to come clean I guess. Now He wants to be supper Daddy and told me he thinks they should all meet. I think in some ways it would be nice if all the girls met but they are so much older than her what type of relationship could they have? He tells me I am just being selfish sometimes I wonder if he’s not right. OOOOOO What to do………… Where do I go from here??????????? I don’t want my daughter to hate me later if I make the wrong choices. I just want to be cautious of the choices I make from this point on I’ve made enough bad choices already. Sorry this is so long I really feel better getting it off my chest.
Sad Flower Posted May 4, 2005 Posted May 4, 2005 How funny..your story sounds similar to mine..I too struggled with even letting MM know his son since he hadn't bothered since I was 3 mos pregnant but in the end I chose to let him know my son and now he too is trying to be super daddy I didnt originally want him involved since he showed no care for my son but I struggled with overwhelming guilt~ like when my son was older would he hate me if I didn't let his father get to know him?? hmmm seems like u have some decisions that are stressful to make and if I can be of any help just let me know!
forms Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Do you have a child support order and a visitation order? What exactly do you want from him? You said you moved out of state to see if he'd follow. Are you hoping he will divorce his wife and marry you and the three of you will be a family? Or are you hoping to have him vanish from your life? The chances of him creating a happy family with you are very small. This is a guy who hasn't seen much of his family or children for 15 years. This tells you he doesn't value people. But if you want to see if he will follow you and marry you, encourage contact with his daughter and file for child support. Maybe when his wife finds out how much it costs them to support his illegitimate daughter, she'll kick him out and he'll drift your way. It's a long shot and I don't think you are getting a bargain here, but it's worth a try. You might try demanding support while denying him access to the child. It might--although again I doubt it--make him realize how much he values you and your child and spur him to act. If you want him out of your life completely, cut off all contact with him and refuse to allow him to see his daughter. Don't file for support. Then if he cares enough, which I doubt he will, he will have to file for visitation rights. Being unmarried this is expensive and it will also come with a child support order. That's likely to turn off whatever little interest he has. He will fade out of your life. If you already have a support and visitation order, follow it. You are stupid not to. Whatever you want, please come to some sort of settlement soon. Little kids adjust to seeing a parent twice a month if that's how it's always been. They adjust to never seeing him. But you are coming along to where she is getting old enough that you will shortly not be able to change tactics without hurting her. If she forms a strong relationship with him, you cannot three years from now decide you've had it with him and cut him out. So decide now.
Author gladhappypink Posted May 6, 2005 Author Posted May 6, 2005 Sadflower: You are a better person than me, I would not have allowed him to see our daughter if he had abandoned me. I am so sorry you went through that I can’t imagine how difficult it must have been for you. I was very fortunate in that he was present at her birth and went to all the prenatal appointments and classes with me. We were living together at the time and up until six months ago. Everything was great for six years but things changed once I began to question why he was still married after so many years of separation. That’s when the problems started. I reached the point where I could not live that way anymore and decided to leave the state at which time he decided he wanted to get back into the lives of his daughters and wife so he went running back to them and the rest is history. I just find it difficult to accept that he want his daughters to be such a big part of out daughter’s life when we walked out on his daughters years ago. I am afraid that he has other motives. I guess she deserves to know them but I am so afraid of what may happen….it’s a difficult choice to make.
Author gladhappypink Posted May 6, 2005 Author Posted May 6, 2005 Originally posted by forms Do you have a child support order and a visitation order? No child support order or visitation order. We were living together up until 6 months ago. What exactly do you want from him? You said you moved out of state to see if he'd follow. Are you hoping he will divorce his wife and marry you and the three of you will be a family? Or are you hoping to have him vanish from your life? The chances of him creating a happy family with you are very small. This is a guy who hasn't seen much of his family or children for 15 years. This tells you he doesn't value people. But if you want to see if he will follow you and marry you, encourage contact with his daughter and file for child support. Maybe when his wife finds out how much it costs them to support his illegitimate daughter, she'll kick him out and he'll drift your way. It's a long shot and I don't think you are getting a bargain here, but it's worth a try. You might try demanding support while denying him access to the child. It might--although again I doubt it--make him realize how much he values you and your child and spur him to act. If you want him out of your life completely, cut off all contact with him and refuse to allow him to see his daughter. Don't file for support. Then if he cares enough, which I doubt he will, he will have to file for visitation rights. Being unmarried this is expensive and it will also come with a child support order. That's likely to turn off whatever little interest he has. He will fade out of your life. If you already have a support and visitation order, follow it. You are stupid not to. Whatever you want, please come to some sort of settlement soon. Little kids adjust to seeing a parent twice a month if that's how it's always been. They adjust to never seeing him. But you are coming along to where she is getting old enough that you will shortly not be able to change tactics without hurting her. If she forms a strong relationship with him, you cannot three years from now decide you've had it with him and cut him out. So decide now.
Author gladhappypink Posted May 6, 2005 Author Posted May 6, 2005 Oops I was trying to respond to “Forms” I didn’t mean to copy the whole message again…… anyway here goes………… I do not have a child support or visitation order. How dare you say I am stupid for not having one…I believe it to be better if things are handled out side of a court room to prevent things from getting ugly. How can creating legal problems and expenses make anything better??? We were living together for over six years up until six months ago so they are use to seeing each other on a daily basis. I just can’t understand how those six years don’t count for anything. It has been difficult for me to understand how he could walk away after so many years and why he did not follow us. Am I wrong for thinking those six years should count for something???? At times I do want him out of my life completely but that is not an option anymore. I have to concern myself with the best interest of my daughter and I honestly don’t see how neglecting my daughter the right to have a relationship with her father would be in her best interest. I don’t intend to play games or gamble in the hopes that he will come back to me. He has made his choice and that is it. I am just having a hard time swallowing the medicine so to say. He really is adamant about his daughters meeting our daughter. I’m just not sure, it is tough for me to trust him I get the feeling he might be up to something. I just want to be cautious for the sake of my daughter. I am trying to remain friends with him but he makes it very difficult, he is such a good talker that sometimes I find myself slipping back into his grip. How do other people deal with that…it is not easy being strong all the time and sometimes I can hardly stand the temptations!!! I keep telling myself things are different now we are no longer living together and I truly would be the OW if I continue…. so why is it so hard to just stop it. I guess that is part of the reason I am here I am hoping to get opinions and ideas from others who have been there done that. Several months ago I wanted our relationship to work out more than anything. But at this point I am tiring of the waiting game. I only hope time will make it easier to deal with this heart ache.
forms Posted May 6, 2005 Posted May 6, 2005 No, sorry, I didn't say you were stupid not to have a court order, I said you were stupid not to follow one if you had it. Sorry, for the misunderstanding. I'm a lawyer, and I believe absolutely in following court orders. So that if you had one, you should not play games and withhold her from her father. If you had a court order, the option would be taken away from you. But you don't have one. There is actually very little expense in collecting child support if you have a paternity result. Go down to your local chils support enforcement agency (all states have them per federal law) and file the paperwork. You can probalby do it online. In some states it is free, in other states it costs no more than $25. They will do it for you. You don't have the hassle or have to show up in court usually or anything; they act as the lawyer for you. You will get child support. Your child deserves it. He wants her to meet his daughters. I think that's no big deal. And you can't prevent it anyways. He's her father and when she's visiting with him, he's got all the decision making power. He can have your daughter meet his other daughters, his wife, and his other girlfriends, if he has any. There's nothing you can do about it. You say you think he's up to something and you don't trust him. Maybe it's just to have her meet the other daughters; maybe it's to keep her and reverse custody. If he's lived with her up to six months ago, maybe her loves her as much as you do and misses her. Maybe he feels that he can provide a more stable home. The point is you don't have legal jurisdiction over her. If he takes her to his house and refuses to return her to you, if he takes her out of state...there is NOTHING you can do to get her back. The police won't help you. You will have to get a lawyer and it might be a year until you have the custody issue settled. And it might not be settled in your favor. Really, this is advice from a lawyer. Get a custody order. You ask why six years with you didn't count for anything. They didn't because that's the type of person he is. People and relationships aren't important to him. How long has he been married? Why didn't that count for anything to him while he was living with you? How long did he go without seeing much of his daughters? Relationships don't mean the same thing to him as to you. I'm sorry you are hurting; time will make that better. Good luck.
Author gladhappypink Posted May 6, 2005 Author Posted May 6, 2005 Thank you for the advice on the court order I think at this time I would rather not open that can of worms. Currently we both agree that she is still too young to travel with out me and he openly admits he wouldn‘t know how to handle her on his own. As far as financial needs he has been great so far….he pays her daycare, dance classes and music lessons, plus he usually takes her to the mall and buys her clothing toys ect… when he is here. Which is more than any child support order would give me I’m sure. We are trying to keep everything as amicable as possible. Okay here’s the deal with why I am so nervous about her meeting her sisters…. I really hope I do not offend anyone! The main reason I am so uneasy is the fact that his oldest daughter is a lesbian and his W is openly bisexual. I am very against that type of life style and I will not have my daughter exposed to that type of sickness. Given the lifestyles his eldest daughter and W practice I feel I have every right not to allow him to take her home with him. As far as the visitation he has been coming here to see her usually every weekend or every other weekend depending on his schedule. This is working out fine. I am just having a hard time working out the part of his daughter’s and our daughter meeting. Do you think it would be wrong of me to agree to the other two girls meeting our daughter first? I realize I can not shield her from everything but this is something I just don’t want her around.
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