The text I wish I'd never sent

[aloneinaz]

Agree with aloneinaz but there has been progress in that they had a date on Sat night (if I recall that was an issue). Sometimes men are dense, you need to clearly point out that this has been frustrating you. He will either make the correction or not and if he doesn't then I'd say you're not a good fit.

 

 

Once I had that chat with my bf, he immediately realized that if he wanted to make things work with me he needed to make constant effort (and it's one year going strong).

 

 

Don't write him off quite yet.

 

 

I have kids as well. Again, most of the girls I dated since my divorce had kids that were young or teens. If I REALLY liked a girl to keep dating her, I'd absolutely make time to see her, even during the week. I think this guys kids are teens. Why on earth could he NOT make more time to see her during the week? It's not like they couldn't babysit themselves?

 

 

I always respected women who had kids and didn't want them to meet me until a month or two passed and we were serious. At the same time, they'd line up babysitters or friends and come over to my place during the week and weekends. Or, I'd go to their place when the father had the kids at his place.

 

 

I don't get how you build any relationship or momentum when you only see each other once a week at the beginning or at any stage?!? As I said, If I started dating someone and they only had time for me once a week, the underlying message is they simply were not that into me or they would of made time. It was a sign for me to keep looking.

[Carm]

Agree. Once a week is not enough to build a new relationship. In my case, we were seeing each other twice a week but I wanted one more night per week. After sitting down with him and discussing this he promptly made changes.

 

 

Bottom line. This and any relationship has to constantly progress otherwise, it's not heading anywhere.

[aloneinaz]

Agree. Once a week is not enough to build a new relationship. In my case, we were seeing each other twice a week but I wanted one more night per week. After sitting down with him and discussing this he promptly made changes.

 

 

Bottom line. This and any relationship has to constantly progress otherwise, it's not heading anywhere.

 

 

I totally agree. One of my exes and I starting dating. I was working 12 hour days. We both wanted to see each other frequently. She put her younger kids down to bed at 8pm. I would then show up at her place around 8:15pm. I'll just say I didn't get much sleep for the first couple of months due to not getting home till 11-12 each night. When I finally met her kids, my sleeping improved.

[BluEyeL]

I also agree that the guy seems to give low priority to the R. And he exaggerates the time the kids need, since they're teens. I also have a teenager and I can tell you I meet my BF 5X/week. Of course, in the beginning we didn't meet as often, but it does have to be progress.

[Gaeta]

Divorced parents have a lot of guilt associated with leaving their kids behind to enjoy themselves. You need to meet in the middle so everyone gains a little and gives a little.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Wow 1 or 2 times a week is not enough in the beginning stages?

 

Do you people give up your whole life to be in a new relationship? I can't see how someone with kids, full time job and healthy social life has time to spend 3 or more days a week with their new bf/gf.

[mightycpa]

My new boyfriend and I have a difficult time making plans sometimes because we are both single parents with full custody and his job is commission-based, so he has to put in a lot of hours in order to make a decent salary. He is a good father and always puts his children first. We’ve not met each other’s children, as it is a new relationship, so our time together is limited.

 

This weekend is kind of a big deal for us, because it’s the first time we will both be without our kids (for a mere 4 days). I had expected we would have 3 nights together, but his ex-wife and her new husband are coming into town and staying IN HIS HOUSE for the first night, after which they will take the children camping. I suggested he stay over at my house that first night, but he has decided not to, because it would affect his children in some way (??)- that’s the reason he gave.

 

Well, I went a little ballistic via text this morning. I had trouble sleeping, had taken a sleeping pill the night before, and was still a bit groggy and had a sleeping pill hangover. I was emotional and basically went off. It was a long, long text, and with no punctuation because I dictated it, so I probably sounded like a deranged lunatic. I said he was being ridiculous, that one night would not affect his kids, that there was no logic in his decision blah blah blah.

 

He replied “I don’t know how to respond to this, I have an early meeting, we will discuss it later.” I sent an email with an apology (still no reply), but I fear there is no way to undo what I’ve done. I’ve come across as an intemperate person – overly dramatic, etc. – certainly not someone he would ever want to introduce to his children. Combine that with the fact that he’s rather straight-laced and I take medication for anxiety and depression (which he knows about). So basically I look like a crazy person.

 

Is there hope? Would you break up with someone over a text message? He seems to really like me otherwise. We went out Saturday night and had a fantastic time. Ugh. I’m such an idiot.

 

I'd put you on Double Secret Probation.

[Lois_Griffin]

I didn't say that sentence exactly. He's a great parent, although in my opinion too self-sacrificing. Here's my issue: His wife cheated on him multiple times and that's why they divorced. After the divorce, she lived in the house with him for a while (she lost her job after sleeping with someone at work), and would regularly stay overnight with her boyfriend. Then she met a new man, got married and moved away, leaving him with custody of the two boys, while she took the girl with her.

 

She never takes all three children at one time - never. He has no free time because of it. Additionally, they regularly do things together with the kids - the ex wife, her husband, the children, and my bf, because (he says) it makes the kids happy (they are teenagers). I find this really hard on him. He feels awkward, he doesn't get along with the new husband, etc.

 

If she gets to sleep in his house with another man, then he should get to leave and go spend the night with his girlfriend. Simple as that.

He sounds like a spineless weenie, to be honest.

 

I couldn't respect a guy who lets people walk all over him like that.

[guest569]

I dont think what you said was that bad.. Just give him a bit of space and talk it over in person. In the meantime try not to stress.

[waiting4u]

Still no word from him since the text blow-up (it's been over 24 hours), but one of his children had an event last night so that's likely part of the reason. He also tends to only call when he can talk privately, so I imagine that's a factor. I thought he could have answered my email at least, but he's likely mulling things over, and probably angry.

 

Just to clarify a few things concerning my previous thread (about feeling like I wasn't a priority, that I was only seeing him once a week, etc.). We talked that over a while back and the reason I hadn't seen him much that week was because he had worked over 60 hours and was struggling to keep up with all his clients. He is an estate agent and sells houses, so he often works into the evening (when it is convenient for clients to look at homes). When I spoke with him, he was just exhausted - he'd had a terribly busy week.

 

Veg Girl - yes, we had plans for the entire weekend, all three days. And for others who've asked, we have been out on the weekends before, just not lately, so it wasn't just a one-time Saturday night thing. We also spent our birthdays together (they are two days apart), and have had some lovely times. We've talked about exclusivity and agreed on it.

 

I'm resigned to the idea that this might not be the man for me, unless he can make me more of a priority in his life. I imagine much of the strain is caused right now by the presence of his youngest daughter (13), whom he dotes on and whom he mostly only sees during the summertime. She spends the summer with him. He works so much that he doesn't like leaving her alone when he does have time.

 

I think at the heart of this is my jealousy of his ex-wife (and yes, she DOES walk all over him), which I need to deal with on my own. I also think the dramatic difference between our parenting styles makes it difficult for me to understand where he is coming from. I simply cannot parent the way he does because I have neither the community nor the financial resources. He has parents living nearby, his ex is involved in his children's lives and a church very near that he attends. I have none of that, and not the money to pay for so many children's activities (apart from school sports). I also don't believe in hovering over my children. i think they thrive when given independence.

 

Anyway, this is quite the book. I'm off to run my dogs and try my best not to think about this situation. If he doesn't want to make me a priority, then oh well. There's someone out there for me and the best thing I can do right now is forgive myself.

[waiting4u]

W4U,

 

 

I didn't read the entire thread. I think if he likes you enough he will work it out. I remember your other post, I'm thinking that your frustration with the situation may have caused you to freak out more than you may have otherwise (not to say it's ok). TBH, I have done something similar in the past when my bf and I were about 3 months in. Not the exact same but similar, I was a little frustrated and wanted more but he was busy being a good dad. I admired that quality but was also wanting more. And, btw, his response back to me was he didn't know how to respond.

 

 

Hopefully, you'll work it out. And yay, some progress if you guys went out on a Saturday night. That's when I knew that my bf was invested in us, when he left his teenage kids to meet up with me on Saturday nights.

 

Thank you Carm. It's nice to know someone else has gone through something similar - quite helpful.

[wizer]

I tend to be rather calm in most of my relationships, the type of woman I get along with best is one who isn't quick to temper. Since my divorce, I tend to be a conflict avoider, and when I find myself inolved with a woman who is full of drama and there's arguing and I find that I'm starting to walk on eggshells, I'm quick to pull the plug because I just don't want or need that in my life, I've had more than enough conflict.

 

I was with a woman a few years ago, sweet, sexy, we had a good connection but she'd get bothered by the smallest things and she'd get angry and upset and I'm not saying she was unreasonable but it just wasn't my thing, and I ended that relationship. I'm with someone now for almost 3.5 years, and she'd never send an angry, accusatory, belittling, critical text like the one you did.

 

If your boyfriend is anything like me, he's considering ending it for the same reasons I described above. Even if he doesn't pull the plug, if you don't get a grip on your emotions, this one will not last much longer.

[kendahke]

And here goes the "break up with him!" advice. Seems to be a theme around here.

 

No one can give you advice on making him be/do/want/feel/say anything he doesn't already want to be/do/want/feel or say... and pitching a fit because you keep hitting the wall with him, then flipping into intense regret mode is going to get really old, really fast for both of you. He may already be there, hence his silence after your paroxysm with the text.

 

He can be a really nice guy from now til times get better, but he's not a really nice guy who wants to make room for you in his life. I don't know him but from what you've written in your threads, he's not thinking of you in the terms of a man whose found the woman for whom he wants to make room in his life.

 

While youth is still on your side, find a man who wants you in his life and shows you by making time in it for you.

[aloneinaz]

Still no word from him since the text blow-up (it's been over 24 hours), but one of his children had an event last night so that's likely part of the reason. He also tends to only call when he can talk privately, so I imagine that's a factor. I thought he could have answered my email at least, but he's likely mulling things over, and probably angry.

 

Just to clarify a few things concerning my previous thread (about feeling like I wasn't a priority, that I was only seeing him once a week, etc.). We talked that over a while back and the reason I hadn't seen him much that week was because he had worked over 60 hours and was struggling to keep up with all his clients. He is an estate agent and sells houses, so he often works into the evening (when it is convenient for clients to look at homes). When I spoke with him, he was just exhausted - he'd had a terribly busy week.

 

Veg Girl - yes, we had plans for the entire weekend, all three days. And for others who've asked, we have been out on the weekends before, just not lately, so it wasn't just a one-time Saturday night thing. We also spent our birthdays together (they are two days apart), and have had some lovely times. We've talked about exclusivity and agreed on it.

 

I'm resigned to the idea that this might not be the man for me, unless he can make me more of a priority in his life. I imagine much of the strain is caused right now by the presence of his youngest daughter (13), whom he dotes on and whom he mostly only sees during the summertime. She spends the summer with him. He works so much that he doesn't like leaving her alone when he does have time.

 

I think at the heart of this is my jealousy of his ex-wife (and yes, she DOES walk all over him), which I need to deal with on my own. I also think the dramatic difference between our parenting styles makes it difficult for me to understand where he is coming from. I simply cannot parent the way he does because I have neither the community nor the financial resources. He has parents living nearby, his ex is involved in his children's lives and a church very near that he attends. I have none of that, and not the money to pay for so many children's activities (apart from school sports). I also don't believe in hovering over my children. i think they thrive when given independence.

 

Anyway, this is quite the book. I'm off to run my dogs and try my best not to think about this situation. If he doesn't want to make me a priority, then oh well. There's someone out there for me and the best thing I can do right now is forgive myself.

 

 

As a guy, I'd advise you to move onto someone else. There are SSOO many red flags so early in this relationship. You're WAY to frustrated with him for valid reasons thus, you sent that text when you're frustration bucket overflowed.

 

 

I'll say it again. I worked more hours a week than this guy. I have kids that I have part time as well. I MADE my GF a priority in my life and we were both creative in how we could spend time together during the work week and weekends. I dated a few girls who at the early stages were "too busy" to spend much time together, especially at the beginning. Some may disagree but I knew they simply were not that into me and I moved on.

 

 

My current GF of two years works LLOONNGG days. When we first dated, she didn't want me to meet her older teens for a couple of months. I got it. She'd drive an hour to my place across town to meet during the week. Usually a couple of times during the work week.

 

 

OP, don't beat yourself up over the text. I think next time with a new person, if you started to feel the way this guy was making you feel, you'd vanish and find someone else before reaching this point of rightful frustration.

[Redhead14]

Still no word from him since the text blow-up (it's been over 24 hours), but one of his children had an event last night so that's likely part of the reason. He also tends to only call when he can talk privately, so I imagine that's a factor. I thought he could have answered my email at least, but he's likely mulling things over, and probably angry.

 

Just to clarify a few things concerning my previous thread (about feeling like I wasn't a priority, that I was only seeing him once a week, etc.). We talked that over a while back and the reason I hadn't seen him much that week was because he had worked over 60 hours and was struggling to keep up with all his clients. He is an estate agent and sells houses, so he often works into the evening (when it is convenient for clients to look at homes). When I spoke with him, he was just exhausted - he'd had a terribly busy week.

 

Veg Girl - yes, we had plans for the entire weekend, all three days. And for others who've asked, we have been out on the weekends before, just not lately, so it wasn't just a one-time Saturday night thing. We also spent our birthdays together (they are two days apart), and have had some lovely times. We've talked about exclusivity and agreed on it.

 

I'm resigned to the idea that this might not be the man for me, unless he can make me more of a priority in his life. I imagine much of the strain is caused right now by the presence of his youngest daughter (13), whom he dotes on and whom he mostly only sees during the summertime. She spends the summer with him. He works so much that he doesn't like leaving her alone when he does have time.

 

I think at the heart of this is my jealousy of his ex-wife (and yes, she DOES walk all over him), which I need to deal with on my own. I also think the dramatic difference between our parenting styles makes it difficult for me to understand where he is coming from. I simply cannot parent the way he does because I have neither the community nor the financial resources. He has parents living nearby, his ex is involved in his children's lives and a church very near that he attends. I have none of that, and not the money to pay for so many children's activities (apart from school sports). I also don't believe in hovering over my children. i think they thrive when given independence.

 

Anyway, this is quite the book. I'm off to run my dogs and try my best not to think about this situation. If he doesn't want to make me a priority, then oh well. There's someone out there for me and the best thing I can do right now is forgive myself.

 

Just live your life. Keep doing what you're doing. Giving this/him space to demonstrate his ability to or desire to have you in his life. He knows for sure you're all in, you don't know where he's at. Once a week is not enough to sustain or even to start building one. And, parenting style is a huge indicator of compatibility. Differences in parenting style causes a ton of problems in a relationship. You are now just getting into the real "meat" as to whether this relationship could/would work. This is the kind of thing you should be focusing on instead of making excuses for his behavior or mind reading, etc.

[MidwestUSA]

W4u, I have to ask, because I don't feel like looking back for it, but how old are you? There's a reason I'm asking, but you don't have to answer.

 

Whenever I have the urge to text something, go off on someone, so to speak, I go ahead and type it out. Save it and look at it three hours later. I almost always delete it. Things are so much harsher via text.

 

Attacking someone's parenting is pretty low. I see that you made up. Hope you're on your way to enjoying your camping trip!