The text I wish I'd never sent

[Redhead14]

with little or no boundaries -- that is exactly the problem with using text as a means to communicate especially on important matters. The person knows it would be a sticky conversation and really doesn't want to hear or see the other persons response and, therefore, steps on their boundaries and privilege to address an issue head on. It's kinda like barging in on someone's privacy or time.

 

This comment is not intended for Waiting, however She had a temporary lapse. I'm referring to people who do this kind of thing regularly.

[waiting4u]

Let me just say that I really appreciate all the good advice I'm getting on this issue - it's really making me feel better about the whole situation. A lot of times I post here about troubles and everyone says "break up with him!" when many times it's just a misunderstanding.

 

Hopefully this will resolve with time and patience.

[Gary S]

1) Well, in the future, you need to stay away from text - it's a poor form of communication. 93% of communication are things other than words.... such as body language and voice inflection.

 

2) You also need to learn to practice self-control and not shoot off angry texts. Relationships take work. It sounds like he has a lot going on between kids and company at the house.

 

3) You need to apologize and tell him the truth.... that you were just frustrated because you hoped to spend more time with him because you love him! That's a beautiful thing! (it sounds like you apologized already).

 

 

I hope all works out well for you.

[Satu]

 

Hopefully this will resolve with time and patience.

 

I'd be surprised if it doesn't. You both have enough life experience to know that miscommunications happen.

[Mrin]

I am kinda ambivalent about RH's advice to step back and wait. I think the concept is probably right it is the execution that could go awry.

 

This is what I would want to hear if I were the guy: wow, hey look, I'm sorry I blew up like that in text. I didn't sleep well and was groggy and got way over emotional. Anyhow, with a little distance I have a better perspective and am over my freak out. Let's talk about what we are going to do this weekend.

 

That's it. Own your freak out. Don't talk it through. Don't try to explain your feelings. Don't try to justify your reaction. Just own it and walk past it.

 

As a guy, you get one of these and you're like "oh for f&@'s sake! Like I need this". And you know that there is going to be some multi hour conversation to deal with it all. Honestly, it is draining. To hear a lady just say, wow, I freaked out but I am over it (and really be over it) is like getting a get out of jail free card.

[Redhead14]

I am kinda ambivalent about RH's advice to step back and wait. I think the concept is probably right it is the execution that could go awry.

 

This is what I would want to hear if I were the guy: wow, hey look, I'm sorry I blew up like that in text. I didn't sleep well and was groggy and got way over emotional. Anyhow, with a little distance I have a better perspective and am over my freak out. Let's talk about what we are going to do this weekend.

 

That's it. Own your freak out. Don't talk it through. Don't try to explain your feelings. Don't try to justify your reaction. Just own it and walk past it.

 

As a guy, you get one of these and you're like "oh for f&@'s sake! Like I need this". And you know that there is going to be some multi hour conversation to deal with it all. Honestly, it is draining. To hear a lady just say, wow, I freaked out but I am over it (and really be over it) is like getting a get out of jail free card.

 

She has already apologized via text. If anything, she should have texted to say "Can I call you, I want to apologize" and then apologize over the phone.

 

He will contact her and they will talk in person and she will reiterate her apology in person. But she shouldn't keep picking at this right now. She said some awful things. He said he didn't know how to respond and he needs time to absorb it. If she keeps harping on it now, he'll be less likely to hear her out.

 

If he really cares for her, he will see that's she's backed off and likely feeling embarrassed or guilty and will come to her. If he doesn't he doesn't care anyway.

Edited June 30, 2015 by Redhead14

[beach]

He seems to do well not fueling the drama.

 

This should be a clear indicator that he's the type that's not going to participate in stirring the pot.

 

 

Next time there's conflict - maybe it would be best to write it out first - on paper... And then read it over an hour later - then decide how best to express your feelings to him without all the drama.

[BluEyeL]

Based on other threads you opened here, you have an issue controlling your emotions. Since you take medication, maybe going to therapy and learning how to take a second and think before reacting would be a good idea? In a relationship, you'll often have disagreements, and you'll fight, overreacting will make yours and your partner's life a lot more difficult. Relationships are not easy anyway, it's really helpful if you understand yourself and can gain some self-control.

[waiting4u]

Based on other threads you opened here, you have an issue controlling your emotions. Since you take medication, maybe going to therapy and learning how to take a second and think before reacting would be a good idea? In a relationship, you'll often have disagreements, and you'll fight, overreacting will make yours and your partner's life a lot more difficult. Relationships are not easy anyway, it's really helpful if you understand yourself and can gain some self-control.

 

Um yeah, I've been in therapy for 7 years. You'd think I'd have it figured out by now.

[Redhead14]

Based on other threads you opened here, you have an issue controlling your emotions. Since you take medication, maybe going to therapy and learning how to take a second and think before reacting would be a good idea? In a relationship, you'll often have disagreements, and you'll fight, overreacting will make yours and your partner's life a lot more difficult. Relationships are not easy anyway, it's really helpful if you understand yourself and can gain some self-control.

 

Oh, I didn't realize this wasn't a one time thing. She really needs to step back here if this has been an issue in the past with him. She may need to consider moving on from this man anyway simply because he'll be walking on eggshells with her for fear of these outbursts and never really connecting with her.

 

Waiting, tread very lightly here. Do as much centering and anxiety control things as you can. You need to demonstrate a very sincere and proactive effort to control this stuff starting right now. If he doesn't see that effort at least soon, he's gonna bail anyway.

 

But more than this, you need to do it for YOURSELF first.

[Satu]

Um yeah, I've been in therapy for 7 years. You'd think I'd have it figured out by now.

 

We are all learning as we go.

 

We are all apprentices; none of us masters.

 

Even though we blunder, we learn.

[waiting4u]

Oh, I didn't realize this wasn't a one time thing. She really needs to step back here if this has been an issue in the past with him. She may need to consider moving on from this man anyway simply because he'll be walking on eggshells with her for fear of these outbursts and never really connecting with her.

 

Waiting, tread very lightly here. Do as much centering and anxiety control things as you can. You need to demonstrate a very sincere and proactive effort to control this stuff starting right now. If he doesn't see that effort at least soon, he's gonna bail anyway.

 

But more than this, you need to do it for YOURSELF first.

 

Okay, settle down. I'm not nuts or anything. And this is the first "fight" we've ever had. You are reading BlueEye's interpretation of my previous threads. I take my mental health very seriously - that's why I go to therapy. And trust me, 7 years of therapy makes me much more sane than people who can't admit they have a problem.

[kendahke]

My new boyfriend and I have a difficult time making plans sometimes because we are both single parents with full custody and his job is commission-based, so he has to put in a lot of hours in order to make a decent salary. He is a good father and always puts his children first. We’ve not met each other’s children, as it is a new relationship, so our time together is limited.

 

This weekend is kind of a big deal for us, because it’s the first time we will both be without our kids (for a mere 4 days). I had expected we would have 3 nights together, but his ex-wife and her new husband are coming into town and staying IN HIS HOUSE for the first night, after which they will take the children camping. I suggested he stay over at my house that first night, but he has decided not to, because it would affect his children in some way (??)- that’s the reason he gave.

 

Well, I went a little ballistic via text this morning. I had trouble sleeping, had taken a sleeping pill the night before, and was still a bit groggy and had a sleeping pill hangover. I was emotional and basically went off. It was a long, long text, and with no punctuation because I dictated it, so I probably sounded like a deranged lunatic. I said he was being ridiculous, that one night would not affect his kids, that there was no logic in his decision blah blah blah.

 

He replied “I don’t know how to respond to this, I have an early meeting, we will discuss it later.” I sent an email with an apology (still no reply), but I fear there is no way to undo what I’ve done. I’ve come across as an intemperate person – overly dramatic, etc. – certainly not someone he would ever want to introduce to his children. Combine that with the fact that he’s rather straight-laced and I take medication for anxiety and depression (which he knows about). So basically I look like a crazy person.

 

Is there hope? Would you break up with someone over a text message? He seems to really like me otherwise. We went out Saturday night and had a fantastic time. Ugh. I’m such an idiot.

 

I suppose the question is: how would you have taken it if you were the one who received such a text?

 

After reading your other thread, I must say that this guy maybe only good as a friend you chat with on the phone once a week, go grab a quick snack at the pub once every two weeks; nothing romantic or relationship-wise should be expected from him. He's put a lot of road blocks to relationships in his life and seems reticent to removing them for you. You can't do much when a guy insists upon keeping you at bay.

 

The fact that he gives a cheating ex wife so wide a berth in his harbor says a lot. He may not want to look like the bad guy to his sons, so he knuckles under and "beta-male"s when she's on the scene.

 

I can see if the children were <12 years, but they're teenagers. I've reared a teenager myself and she didn't require me to be there when she visited with her father. But you know what? He's not me or you. He seems to feel as if his sons need him there for whatever reason, so there is where he's going to be.

 

Her husband not hooking up a hotel room for them when they come into town is the arrangement your guy has chosen to participate in and there is really nothing you can do about it except to accept it or don't and leave him be.

 

A man who wants you in his life makes it as plain as the nose on his face. He's making it plain that you are an option and not a priority at this point in his life. You might want to consider demoting him and start dating other guys.

[BluEyeL]

No, she opened threads about other issues/men and I noticed that she tends to be very emotional/cry etc. it's hard to sustain relationships anyway, learning some techniques to mitigate this issue would be helpful.

 

W4u I see, I'm glad you're going to therapy. I've been in therapy too, that's why I as suggesting it. I hope it works out for you with this guy or someone better. Imo this is a good guy but he may have too much baggage for you to handle long term.

[waiting4u]

And here goes the "break up with him!" advice. Seems to be a theme around here.

 

Blu - Women who cry and have emotions don't necessary have "problems" with their emotions.

[losangelena]

I'm in therapy, too. I have anxiety and it's sometimes very hard to control my emotions towards others, ESPECIALLY in a romantic relationship. But I will also say that those kinds of issues cannot be worked out in a vacuum. People say you have to love yourself before you can love others, but I think it's the other way around—you learn to love yourself BY experiencing the love of others.

 

The working out of relationship anxiety takes a relationship—it means finding someone who can accept your level of anxiety, and over time, you hopefully become less anxious.

 

OP, I hope for your sake that this guy is the one. But if he's not, you'll find out sooner or later. If he's not, you'll find someone who is.

[Vintage79]

And here goes the "break up with him!" advice. Seems to be a theme around here.

 

Blu - Women who cry and have emotions don't necessary have "problems" with their emotions.

 

People who cry a lot and have emotional outbursts, while they may not have problems with their emotions per se, they do have problems controlling and managing them. If the person you're seeing isn't doing the same (i.e. crying with a fare number of emotional events), they will likely struggle to understand your perspective, and the relationship will be a challenge.

 

I can say that I'm typically on the less emotional side - when I've dated the very emotional people, I break up with them pretty quick, as I have a hard time understanding where they're coming from, and to me it seems like unnecessary drama.

 

I can say that if I got a text message like the one that you sent, unless I had been dating you pretty seriously for a while (i.e. not casual), it would be game over...as it's not worth dealing with...to me, there's a reason people describe that state as being crazy...

[BluEyeL]

And here goes the "break up with him!" advice. Seems to be a theme around here.

 

Blu - Women who cry and have emotions don't necessary have "problems" with their emotions.

I'm not saying break up. Just noticing he has a lot going on. I really hopes it works out. I'm 43 myself and know at this age is hard to find a compatible partner, time to date as a single parent etc.

 

Anyway, not the emotions are the problem, but how and how fast you express them .

[waiting4u]

Oh, I didn't realize this wasn't a one time thing. She really needs to step back here if this has been an issue in the past with him.

 

This was a one time thing in this particular relationship.

 

Funny how admitting one has depression and anxiety creates a stigma that discredits a person and their description of their own reality. This is a much larger problem culturally. In my particular field, for example, there is a high incidence of depression and anxiety, but it's very hush hush - not talked about.

 

Kendahke asked me how I would respond to such a text - I guess it would depend on how much I liked the person. So let's hope he likes me enough lol. I think it's a useful exercise to turn the tables and imagine yourself on the other side of the situation, definitely.

[katiegrl]

We went out Saturday night and had a fantastic time.

 

Wow, a Saturday night date! I see things are progressing....that's a positive sign....as you have stated previously you only saw him once every five days for a quick lunch and never on Saturday nights. So this is good.

 

I hope this little outburst doesn't set you guys back. I think you should, as they say, hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.

 

JMO, but it does not sound like you guys have developed a solid secure foundation yet to handle this type of emotional outburst from you. And his response back to you was very curt, and frankly rather cold.

 

You will just have to sit tight and wait for him to get back to you. He is thinking about things now... so let him be.

 

Good luck and let us know what happens. I for one hope he understands...but one never knows what goes on in the minds and hearts of men.

 

But I wish you the best...

[veggirl]

How long have you been dating? honestly this would have been a dealbreaker for me.

 

First of all, you showed you fight dirty. Bringing up his kids and ex wife...total low blows and not your place.

 

Second, did you guys agree you would see each other for 3 nights or did you just assume that? You said you thought you would, so I couldnt tell if this was agreed on or your assumption. Even if it was agreed on, sh*t happens, and when it involves his kids I think you should show you are flexible...after all you still had two nights!! To me spending 3 nights together in a newly dating R wouldn't be ideal anyway so was he actually on board with that?

 

Any drama early on is a red flag for me, and when it's 100% manufactured by the other person...most likely a dealbreaker. I would have lost a lot of attraction tbh.

 

You apologized so now you need to leave the ball in his court to set up plans. Good luck.

[katiegrl]

How long have you been dating? honestly this would have been a dealbreaker for me.

 

First of all, you showed you fight dirty. Bringing up his kids and ex wife...total low blows and not your place.

 

Second, did you guys agree you would see each other for 3 nights or did you just assume that? You said you thought you would, so I couldnt tell if this was agreed on or your assumption. Even if it was agreed on, sh*t happens, and when it involves his kids I think you should show you are flexible...after all you still had two nights!! To me spending 3 nights together in a newly dating R wouldn't be ideal anyway so was he actually on board with that?

 

Any drama early on is a red flag for me, and when it's 100% manufactured by the other person...most likely a dealbreaker. I would have lost a lot of attraction tbh.

 

You apologized so now you need to leave the ball in his court to set up plans. Good luck.

 

 

veggirl, read her previous thread. They have been dating three months and up until recently, he would squeeze her in every five days for a quick lunch but never on Saturdays.

 

Given their recent Saturday night date, however, it does appear things were starting to progress.

 

If I had to venture a guess...her outburst was just not because of this once incident. It was a release of all her previous frustrations as well..

 

As I said, I hope this does not set them (him) back...but it might...hope for the best, expect the worst.

 

JMO though.

Edited June 30, 2015 by katiegrl

[Carm]

W4U,

 

 

I didn't read the entire thread. I think if he likes you enough he will work it out. I remember your other post, I'm thinking that your frustration with the situation may have caused you to freak out more than you may have otherwise (not to say it's ok). TBH, I have done something similar in the past when my bf and I were about 3 months in. Not the exact same but similar, I was a little frustrated and wanted more but he was busy being a good dad. I admired that quality but was also wanting more. And, btw, his response back to me was he didn't know how to respond.

 

 

Hopefully, you'll work it out. And yay, some progress if you guys went out on a Saturday night. That's when I knew that my bf was invested in us, when he left his teenage kids to meet up with me on Saturday nights.

[aloneinaz]

I don't think the OP's anxiety or depression was a key factor here. Who do we know that DOESN'T have a bit of either, especially in folks in their 30's and 40's? I agree with the other poster in that this could of been built up frustration for the OP and she snapped a bit.

 

 

I wonder if all these things are adding up TO HER and making her question if this guy is really fit for her? Just reading some of the things about him would be a deal breaker for me. I've dated LOTS of women w/kids. If I only saw them once a week in the beginning? Yea, no.. Next!

 

 

Most of the women I dated post divorce had children. If we hit it off, they'd MAKE time in their busy lives to spend time together, even during the work week. While I applaud the OP's BF for being so terrific to his kids, I also think it's a bit ODD how he treats his ex wife or better yet, how he lets HER treat him. Sorry, I think it's a bit strange.

 

 

Personally OP, I wonder if some of this guys "quirks" are adding to your stress and anxiety. I think instead of worrying about your text, you should really question if this guys a good fit for you overall.

[Carm]

Agree with aloneinaz but there has been progress in that they had a date on Sat night (if I recall that was an issue). Sometimes men are dense, you need to clearly point out that this has been frustrating you. He will either make the correction or not and if he doesn't then I'd say you're not a good fit.

 

 

Once I had that chat with my bf, he immediately realized that if he wanted to make things work with me he needed to make constant effort (and it's one year going strong).

 

 

Don't write him off quite yet.