waiting4u Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 My new boyfriend and I have a difficult time making plans sometimes because we are both single parents with full custody and his job is commission-based, so he has to put in a lot of hours in order to make a decent salary. He is a good father and always puts his children first. We’ve not met each other’s children, as it is a new relationship, so our time together is limited. This weekend is kind of a big deal for us, because it’s the first time we will both be without our kids (for a mere 4 days). I had expected we would have 3 nights together, but his ex-wife and her new husband are coming into town and staying IN HIS HOUSE for the first night, after which they will take the children camping. I suggested he stay over at my house that first night, but he has decided not to, because it would affect his children in some way (??)- that’s the reason he gave. Well, I went a little ballistic via text this morning. I had trouble sleeping, had taken a sleeping pill the night before, and was still a bit groggy and had a sleeping pill hangover. I was emotional and basically went off. It was a long, long text, and with no punctuation because I dictated it, so I probably sounded like a deranged lunatic. I said he was being ridiculous, that one night would not affect his kids, that there was no logic in his decision blah blah blah. He replied “I don’t know how to respond to this, I have an early meeting, we will discuss it later.” I sent an email with an apology (still no reply), but I fear there is no way to undo what I’ve done. I’ve come across as an intemperate person – overly dramatic, etc. – certainly not someone he would ever want to introduce to his children. Combine that with the fact that he’s rather straight-laced and I take medication for anxiety and depression (which he knows about). So basically I look like a crazy person. Is there hope? Would you break up with someone over a text message? He seems to really like me otherwise. We went out Saturday night and had a fantastic time. Ugh. I’m such an idiot.
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 He replied “I don’t know how to respond to this, I have an early meeting, we will discuss it later.” I sent an email with an apology (still no reply), but I fear there is no way to undo what I’ve done. I’ve come across as an intemperate person – overly dramatic, etc. – certainly not someone he would ever want to introduce to his children. Combine that with the fact that he’s rather straight-laced and I take medication for anxiety and depression (which he knows about). So basically I look like a crazy person. Is there hope? Would you break up with someone over a text message? He seems to really like me otherwise. We went out Saturday night and had a fantastic time. Ugh. I’m such an idiot. Well, no way to know but sometimes we have to learn our lessons the hard way. Do you suffer from chronic depression or it's situational? 1
Author waiting4u Posted June 30, 2015 Author Posted June 30, 2015 What did I say? I'm not going to rewrite it word for word. I think I basically paraphrased it above - that I didn't understand why he couldn't stay over, that he was being ridiculous about his children, that his ex basically walked all over him and doesn't allow him to have a life. I told him it was none of my business but that it totally sucked because I thought I'd have him all weekend and there was no logic in the decision he was making and then I "I don't understand! I don't understand." I didn't call him names or anything, I just sounded like I was ridiculously overreacting - and totally selfish. 1
Author waiting4u Posted June 30, 2015 Author Posted June 30, 2015 Well, no way to know but sometimes we have to learn our lessons the hard way. Do you suffer from chronic depression or it's situational? Well, I have a demanding job and I'm the sole caretaker of my children (now teens). I have no family nearby and no financial support from my ex-husband (who shows up about twice a year). I'm generally stressed out all the time, so I suppose you could call it situational, but it's been chronic since my divorce 7 years ago. 1
Keenly Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Did you say the sentence " you're being ridiculous about your children? " That's dangerous, criticizing any parents relationship with their child feels like Hannibal at the gates To them. He might not respond well about it. That might be where damage control needs to be focused. 1
Redhead14 Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 My new boyfriend and I have a difficult time making plans sometimes because we are both single parents with full custody and his job is commission-based, so he has to put in a lot of hours in order to make a decent salary. He is a good father and always puts his children first. We’ve not met each other’s children, as it is a new relationship, so our time together is limited. This weekend is kind of a big deal for us, because it’s the first time we will both be without our kids (for a mere 4 days). I had expected we would have 3 nights together, but his ex-wife and her new husband are coming into town and staying IN HIS HOUSE for the first night, after which they will take the children camping. I suggested he stay over at my house that first night, but he has decided not to, because it would affect his children in some way (??)- that’s the reason he gave. Well, I went a little ballistic via text this morning. I had trouble sleeping, had taken a sleeping pill the night before, and was still a bit groggy and had a sleeping pill hangover. I was emotional and basically went off. It was a long, long text, and with no punctuation because I dictated it, so I probably sounded like a deranged lunatic. I said he was being ridiculous, that one night would not affect his kids, that there was no logic in his decision blah blah blah. He replied “I don’t know how to respond to this, I have an early meeting, we will discuss it later.” I sent an email with an apology (still no reply), but I fear there is no way to undo what I’ve done. I’ve come across as an intemperate person – overly dramatic, etc. – certainly not someone he would ever want to introduce to his children. Combine that with the fact that he’s rather straight-laced and I take medication for anxiety and depression (which he knows about). So basically I look like a crazy person. Is there hope? Would you break up with someone over a text message? He seems to really like me otherwise. We went out Saturday night and had a fantastic time. Ugh. I’m such an idiot. The only way to possibly recover from this is to step back. Don't reach out him again for any reason what so ever. Let him come to you to discuss it IF he wants to. You cannot undue a mistake like this by continuing to keep the wound open. Let it heal a little bit and see what happens. You had a better opportunity before you sent the apology. The apology now comes across as clingy and needy and almost invalidates what you were trying to communicate to him -- which was "I'm missing you and want to spend time with you. He responded to your text “I don’t know how to respond to this, I have an early meeting, we will discuss it later.”You should have waited for that to happen. It's unlikely he would break up over the text. It would be more likely that it was in the works anyway if he did. Leave this alone and let whatever happens happens. 3
CarrieT Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Have you told him what you said was selfish and apologize? 1
Satu Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Tell him what you've told us. If he's a good guy, he'll understand. Take care.
Redhead14 Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Tell him what you've told us. If he's a good guy, he'll understand. Take care. She need to wait this out. Let him come to her. Don't send him another message to explain things. This needs to be dealt with in person, not by text anyway. 5
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Well, I have a demanding job and I'm the sole caretaker of my children (now teens). I have no family nearby and no financial support from my ex-husband (who shows up about twice a year). I'm generally stressed out all the time, so I suppose you could call it situational, but it's been chronic since my divorce 7 years ago. Your boyfriend has been supportive toward your stress and depression? What I am getting at is if your boyfriend knows about your anxiety and stress than he had to accept it will come with some irritants like sometimes you will lose patience, or sometimes you will need extra reassurance. It's part of the deal when dating you and he should know when shyt hit the fan like now the best thing is to let you cool down then get back to you. I think it's what he's doing. He's letting things cool down for you, and for him. Even though he may know it was your meds talking it's still got to him and he's mature enough to not get in a battle in the heat of the moment. I think you did good to apologize and now you let him breath in and get back to you. On a side note: If this relationship has been this much frustrating lately maybe it's time to reassess it. 1
Author waiting4u Posted June 30, 2015 Author Posted June 30, 2015 Have you told him what you said was selfish and apologize? Yes, I apologized in my email and said that I was selfish. Redhead14 - thank you for the excellent advice. I will leave it alone. In retrospect, my email was groveling a bit, but we recently talked about how important it is to communicate with each other, that he wants me to contact him more instead of waiting for him to call, etc. But I agree, it's best to wait it out, particularly because he's extra busy at work trying to free up this weekend. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) Yes, I apologized in my email and said that I was selfish. Redhead14 - thank you for the excellent advice. I will leave it alone. In retrospect, my email was groveling a bit, but we recently talked about how important it is to communicate with each other, that he wants me to contact him more instead of waiting for him to call, etc. But I agree, it's best to wait it out, particularly because he's extra busy at work trying to free up this weekend. Stay centered and focus on yourself right now. When he comes to you you need to be strong and in control. You cannot keep mired in this anxiety, it will come across when you do talk to him. If you want him to understand that this was simply a limited case of "emotional diarrhea", he'll need to see that you've bounced back to the center at least. Do not be overly apologetic either. Tell him you're sorry, you understand what you did was not the right way to approach it, but don't go on and on. Communication is one thing, effective communication is another. And, there is such a thing as over-communicating. You communicate a need then you step back to allow them the opportunity to address that need, if they don't at least make an attempt to resolve, compromise, whatever, then you move on. Edited June 30, 2015 by Redhead14 2
OMC Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 'Well, I went a little ballistic via text this morning. I had trouble sleeping, had taken a sleeping pill the night before, and was still a bit groggy and had a sleeping pill hangover. I was emotional and basically went off. It was a long, long text, and with no punctuation because I dictated it, so I probably sounded like a deranged lunatic. I said he was being ridiculous, that one night would not affect his kids, that there was no logic in his decision blah blah blah.' Bridge is burnt. Kids come first regardless how irrational you think the circumstances are. Txting makes it way to easy to react in the moment with little or no boundaries. It needs to be treated like an email when upset. Write it and then wait an hour. Re-read and then hit send- maybe...
myothernic2 Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 You really shouldn't feel too bad. You snapped like that finally because that guy has been making minimal effort according to your other thread.... 2
Author waiting4u Posted June 30, 2015 Author Posted June 30, 2015 Did you say the sentence " you're being ridiculous about your children? " That's dangerous, criticizing any parents relationship with their child feels like Hannibal at the gates To them. He might not respond well about it. That might be where damage control needs to be focused. I didn't say that sentence exactly. He's a great parent, although in my opinion too self-sacrificing. Here's my issue: His wife cheated on him multiple times and that's why they divorced. After the divorce, she lived in the house with him for a while (she lost her job after sleeping with someone at work), and would regularly stay overnight with her boyfriend. Then she met a new man, got married and moved away, leaving him with custody of the two boys, while she took the girl with her. She never takes all three children at one time - never. He has no free time because of it. Additionally, they regularly do things together with the kids - the ex wife, her husband, the children, and my bf, because (he says) it makes the kids happy (they are teenagers). I find this really hard on him. He feels awkward, he doesn't get along with the new husband, etc. If she gets to sleep in his house with another man, then he should get to leave and go spend the night with his girlfriend. Simple as that.
beach Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 His priority is his kids. And now it looks like you are throwing a temper tantrum by being immature and selfish (you admitted that). It would be simpler if you dated a guy with no kids. This guy seems reasonable. 3
Redhead14 Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 I didn't say that sentence exactly. He's a great parent, although in my opinion too self-sacrificing. Here's my issue: His wife cheated on him multiple times and that's why they divorced. After the divorce, she lived in the house with him for a while (she lost her job after sleeping with someone at work), and would regularly stay overnight with her boyfriend. Then she met a new man, got married and moved away, leaving him with custody of the two boys, while she took the girl with her. She never takes all three children at one time - never. He has no free time because of it. Additionally, they regularly do things together with the kids - the ex wife, her husband, the children, and my bf, because (he says) it makes the kids happy (they are teenagers). I find this really hard on him. He feels awkward, he doesn't get along with the new husband, etc. If she gets to sleep in his house with another man, then he should get to leave and go spend the night with his girlfriend. Simple as that. Waiting, I recommend that you don't keep this thread going now. You may hear more things and cause yourself more anxiety. Do something nice for yourself and stick with your plan to wait it out. You don't know what he's thinking or wants to do, trying to analyze and out-think him will cause more problems. 1
Keenly Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 I didn't say that sentence exactly. He's a great parent, although in my opinion too self-sacrificing. Here's my issue: His wife cheated on him multiple times and that's why they divorced. After the divorce, she lived in the house with him for a while (she lost her job after sleeping with someone at work), and would regularly stay overnight with her boyfriend. Then she met a new man, got married and moved away, leaving him with custody of the two boys, while she took the girl with her. She never takes all three children at one time - never. He has no free time because of it. Additionally, they regularly do things together with the kids - the ex wife, her husband, the children, and my bf, because (he says) it makes the kids happy (they are teenagers). I find this really hard on him. He feels awkward, he doesn't get along with the new husband, etc. If she gets to sleep in his house with another man, then he should get to leave and go spend the night with his girlfriend. Simple as that. Careful now, you are starting to inject yourself into the situation. His choices about his place, who he lends it to, if he is there when they use it, and how much he sacrifices for his children are all things that are not part of your jurisdiction as the recent girlfriend. Try to take yourself out of these situations, because I sense resentment building quickly that this man isn't doing things the way that you want these things done. His way isn't wrong, it's just not your way. Remember that attempting to control something so personal to some one is a great way to push them away. Express your concerns about your time together, but leave opinions about his life and his kids off the table. 2
Author waiting4u Posted June 30, 2015 Author Posted June 30, 2015 His priority is his kids. And now it looks like you are throwing a temper tantrum by being immature and selfish (you admitted that). It would be simpler if you dated a guy with no kids. This guy seems reasonable. I agree. That said, I'm not going to toss him because he's not "simple."
Satu Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 She need to wait this out. Let him come to her. Don't send him another message to explain things. This needs to be dealt with in person, not by text anyway. Yes, you're quite right.
preraph Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Look, it's how you felt at the time. The only reason for him to stay there with them is to keep either of them from robbing him blind, which is reason enough. Other than that, there was no good reason. He just wanted to for some reason. I'd just shut up about it and see if it comes up again and if he brings it up, make him tell you why. Meanwhile, you now have a night off without the kids to catch up with any available girlfriends. 2
eve_k Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Chances are he probably needed to hear some of those things. You apologized and that's that. 2
Redhead14 Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 'Well, I went a little ballistic via text this morning. I had trouble sleeping, had taken a sleeping pill the night before, and was still a bit groggy and had a sleeping pill hangover. I was emotional and basically went off. It was a long, long text, and with no punctuation because I dictated it, so I probably sounded like a deranged lunatic. I said he was being ridiculous, that one night would not affect his kids, that there was no logic in his decision blah blah blah.' Bridge is burnt. Kids come first regardless how irrational you think the circumstances are. Txting makes it way to easy to react in the moment with little or no boundaries. It needs to be treated like an email when upset. Write it and then wait an hour. Re-read and then hit send- maybe... with little or no boundaries -- that is exactly the problem with using text as a means to communicate especially on important matters. The person knows it would be a sticky conversation and really doesn't want to hear or see the other persons response and, therefore, steps on their boundaries and privilege to address an issue head on. It's kinda like barging in on someone's privacy or time. 3
Satu Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 If this relationships has some solid ground underneath it, one text won't kill it. 4
Recommended Posts