VengeanceGuidesMe Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 It's been 14 years since my first rejection. Being told that she was worried about what others might say. You see, I was overweight in high school. I was gentle and kind; I was a nice guy. Then came college. I don't know what I had expected to change. I liked a girl, who chose another, more [physically] attractive guy over me. Now some of us may ask, are you sure it's just physical? And I would say it is a hypohtesis and not a guess, most girls tell me all the time how great I am... and that they really appreciate me as a friend, and how they know I will make any woman happy (not them). I wasn't one of those 'nice guy' you may read about in xojane or something. I was genuinely nice. I kept them as friends, because I know some of them probably had attractive single friends. It seemed, no matter how much I tried to better myself, get into shape, always being kind, always helping, always caring and caring about people, in the end, I was invisible to this girls as far as being datable. I spent college single basically. I had one girlfriend, and slept with a few. A handful of one night stands, the first few, I can understand, I was just awful in bed. Then I had a gf for 9 months before I broke up with her. Now start grad school. I am pretty much the same size as before, I am not an elephent, but I am fat. I am 270 lbs but very active. I was running 3 miles a day to lose weight and get into shape. Girls started paying attention to me because I am phD candidate, and now that I graduated and people call me doctor, it has become even more so. In fact, girls from my past have initiated contact, girls who have rejected me wanting to go on dates. One girl whom I really liked and I have had a couple nights together that were great. But my problem is now, now I am angry. I am not angry and an individual, but every time I see this bull**** about "Real men love curves" or "This is what real women look like" with these girls ostracsizing men for basically doing the same thing women have been doing to me for the majority of my life. My one gf put it: Nice guys finish last. You have tons of girls who love you, why are you bothered by it? I guess I am too proud. I am pissed off that these girls once thought they were better than me. I am pissed off that I was once deemed undatable by them. I learned to be a dick, and that brought even more women. Now I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know how to be happy with any girl. I just sit and think how they are all the same gold digging shallow bitches that I grew up around. I am always looking at the next girl and wondering if she will make me happy. Then I break a heart and try something new. A few months go by and I am bored, but she fell in love. They always do. Because I can't get rid of the nice and caring person in me. It's just in conflict with the part of me that doesn't care anymore. Doesn't care about being nice to women who have all ditched men for being all the things that the exciting bad boys aren't. And now they've realized that an exciting bad boy is an uneducated meat whistle who is destined to work mowing lawns for the rest of his life, they've decided they want the nice guy who spent his youth betting himself since no one looked twice at him. And they think they deserve it? I am angry and I don't know how to fix it. I am bitter and upset about having only slept with 2 girls before the age of 22. I am annoyed that after getting my phD, girls decided I was worth something. I am fed up with the double standards for dating. Women cry that men are too shallow while using the same platform for determining dateable men. I hate it and have no qualms when I break a girls heart. In the end, I am the unhappy one who is lonely but never alone. No girl has earned my love and I wish one would. I don't even know what the problem is with me and why I can't find a girl I like. I find girls I am attracted too all the time, but to find one that earns my love is impossible. Until then, I will keep breaking those hearts. 2
eve_k Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) It's been 14 years since my first rejection. Being told that she was worried about what others might say. You see, I was overweight in high school. I was gentle and kind; I was a nice guy. Then came college. I don't know what I had expected to change. I liked a girl, who chose another, more [physically] attractive guy over me. Now some of us may ask, are you sure it's just physical? And I would say it is a hypohtesis and not a guess, most girls tell me all the time how great I am... and that they really appreciate me as a friend, and how they know I will make any woman happy (not them). I wasn't one of those 'nice guy' you may read about in xojane or something. I was genuinely nice. I kept them as friends, because I know some of them probably had attractive single friends. It seemed, no matter how much I tried to better myself, get into shape, always being kind, always helping, always caring and caring about people, in the end, I was invisible to this girls as far as being datable. I spent college single basically. I had one girlfriend, and slept with a few. A handful of one night stands, the first few, I can understand, I was just awful in bed. Then I had a gf for 9 months before I broke up with her. Now start grad school. I am pretty much the same size as before, I am not an elephent, but I am fat. I am 270 lbs but very active. I was running 3 miles a day to lose weight and get into shape. Girls started paying attention to me because I am phD candidate, and now that I graduated and people call me doctor, it has become even more so. In fact, girls from my past have initiated contact, girls who have rejected me wanting to go on dates. One girl whom I really liked and I have had a couple nights together that were great. But my problem is now, now I am angry. I am not angry and an individual, but every time I see this bull**** about "Real men love curves" or "This is what real women look like" with these girls ostracsizing men for basically doing the same thing women have been doing to me for the majority of my life. My one gf put it: Nice guys finish last. You have tons of girls who love you, why are you bothered by it? I guess I am too proud. I am pissed off that these girls once thought they were better than me. I am pissed off that I was once deemed undatable by them. I learned to be a dick, and that brought even more women. Now I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know how to be happy with any girl. I just sit and think how they are all the same gold digging shallow bitches that I grew up around. I am always looking at the next girl and wondering if she will make me happy. Then I break a heart and try something new. A few months go by and I am bored, but she fell in love. They always do. Because I can't get rid of the nice and caring person in me. It's just in conflict with the part of me that doesn't care anymore. Doesn't care about being nice to women who have all ditched men for being all the things that the exciting bad boys aren't. And now they've realized that an exciting bad boy is an uneducated meat whistle who is destined to work mowing lawns for the rest of his life, they've decided they want the nice guy who spent his youth betting himself since no one looked twice at him. And they think they deserve it? I am angry and I don't know how to fix it. I am bitter and upset about having only slept with 2 girls before the age of 22. I am annoyed that after getting my phD, girls decided I was worth something. I am fed up with the double standards for dating. Women cry that men are too shallow while using the same platform for determining dateable men. I hate it and have no qualms when I break a girls heart. In the end, I am the unhappy one who is lonely but never alone. No girl has earned my love and I wish one would. I don't even know what the problem is with me and why I can't find a girl I like. I find girls I am attracted too all the time, but to find one that earns my love is impossible. Until then, I will keep breaking those hearts. Two things: That you did not get sex or gfs coz of your weight, is in your head. Woman are way less visual than men. An overweight man has more chance of getting gfs than overweight gf bfs... Yet both sexes can be chubby and have a happy fulfilling sex life, and do so often. Two things prevented you from a happier sex life, before you doctorate, your own attitude towards your body, and the type of women you wanted. As a teenager and young adult you probably ignored the girls trying to get with you, as you considered them not attractive enough, and went for shallow, immature creatures who pined away for bad boys... Now you are mature enough to give all woman equal chance and not overlook the ones that like you and go for the most shallow pea in the dating pod, lol Also the girls matured and realized that it's ok to have a bf you actually like and not the one other kids will think is cool.... You can't keep wrong company and complain about it... Good decent man is what any sane woman or gay man wants, anything else is you keeping wrong company... Get over it now, being angry is bad for your health... Be happy you are now getting the attention of the sex you want to date and date... You also generalize a lot, I am a woman, and I can think of a few names for my bf or his predecessors, shallow is not one of them. Some women think all men are shallow and they are making a generalization just like you are. People can be shallow, do you really need to date on such person at any const? Cant you just find a non shallow person and be happy? You are really very cute... You will keep on breaking hearts, and...??? That is your right. It's not very nice but it is your right. To date around till you find a suitable mate that is. Darling, kids can be cruel, if you were not slightly overweight it be something else that the bullies would pick on... You are really too old to be breaking those hearts as part of master plan revenge on women, and bragging about it on forums...Since you are older than 22. How old are you btw? I think accepting that you are angry is the first step to fixing it... Also, try mixing it up, approach some women you usually don't, or that reject you at first on account of your player rap... Give yourself a chance at something meaningful, you are missing out on intimacy even with getting loads of sex... Edited June 30, 2015 by eve_k 3
Author VengeanceGuidesMe Posted June 30, 2015 Author Posted June 30, 2015 Cant you just find a non shallow person and be happy? Apparently not. That is my problem. I was saying I should be happy! It's what I want. I have solved the problem I had when I am younger and now I'm just a shell.. bittered about it all. Yeah, I don't know what it was back when I was younger, but one particular girl told me she just thought I would make a really great friend back then. Now wants to date. We had a discussion a while back where she was saying that girls change and they realize that what they want are the nice guys, etc.. but why do we have suck up our pride and date them now after they've been a **** hole for the most detestable of men? I'm not a nice guy anymore, and the women want me. I don't want to be nice to any, I was and no one deserved it. I hate that I had to be alone for so long and that some woman who would have ignored me when I was 20 may get to spend her life with me all happy that she found her nice man. As if she deserves it. Maybe I should see a psychiatrist about this. dunno. It's eating me up. It's not daily or something, but I always grow bored with my gfs and break up with them. I always cringe when I see a woman complaining about men. I have no remorse or empathy for woman who dated **** men anymore. Is there a way back?
eve_k Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Apparently not. That is my problem. I was saying I should be happy! It's what I want. I have solved the problem I had when I am younger and now I'm just a shell.. bittered about it all. Yeah, I don't know what it was back when I was younger, but one particular girl told me she just thought I would make a really great friend back then. Now wants to date. We had a discussion a while back where she was saying that girls change and they realize that what they want are the nice guys, etc.. but why do we have suck up our pride and date them now after they've been a **** hole for the most detestable of men? I'm not a nice guy anymore, and the women want me. I don't want to be nice to any, I was and no one deserved it. I hate that I had to be alone for so long and that some woman who would have ignored me when I was 20 may get to spend her life with me all happy that she found her nice man. As if she deserves it. Maybe I should see a psychiatrist about this. dunno. It's eating me up. It's not daily or something, but I always grow bored with my gfs and break up with them. I always cringe when I see a woman complaining about men. I have no remorse or empathy for woman who dated **** men anymore. Is there a way back? The main thing is you don't sound happy. So it's probably a good idea to talk to a professional. You do have to understand that women are people. People make mistakes. Also, I am not asking you to date a girl who rejected you before, but a new woman. It's unhealthy to project what cruelty you experienced from some kids to all people... Chalk it up to learning, people can be cruel. Be careful but not too careful. Let yourself heal, do not underestimate the wounds you got growing up, but do not give bullies more power than they deserve... Don't carry them around with you, like a tumor. Allow yourself to see women as people, and while some are rotten for sure, some are trying their best. I think we have all had hurt and been angry, but if you can fine one friend, one lover, you can trust, that's a lot... Also, even they will screw up, the difference being they will learn from their mistakes. What are you doctor of? 2
carhill Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Nice guys finish where? We all, nice or not, finish up at the same destination - dead. The only reward in life for being nice, a good person, kind to your fellow man and woman is the feeling you have from doing so. There are no other rewards in life. Do what you do and then the abyss comes. Hope it's a good ride. 3
fitnessfan365 Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 First let me say that I do think it's great you're making an effort to get in shape. As a personal trainer, I work with people that don't have the will to do it on their own. So it takes strength of character to assess weaknesses and actually take action. But your problem isn't that you were nice. 1) You lacked confidence and weren't sexually assertive. Be honest. Did you ever make moves and go for it with these women, or were you always walking on egg shells acting unsure of yourself? 2) You acted like a push over. Just because you treat people well, doesn't mean you have to lack back bone or settle for situations you don't want to be in. If a woman says she just wants to be friends, you tell her "Call me if you change your mind. But I have no interest in friendship". Then you walk away. By remaining friends with all those women, you essentially surrounded yourself with rejection and communicated that you weren't good with women. **Being platonic friends with women is absolutely fine. But it should always be on your terms with a woman you had no sexual interest in whatsoever. Never settle for friendship with a woman you had an attraction for that rejected you. 3
Redhead14 Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) It's been 14 years since my first rejection. Being told that she was worried about what others might say. You see, I was overweight in high school. I was gentle and kind; I was a nice guy. Then came college. I don't know what I had expected to change. I liked a girl, who chose another, more [physically] attractive guy over me. Now some of us may ask, are you sure it's just physical? And I would say it is a hypohtesis and not a guess, most girls tell me all the time how great I am... and that they really appreciate me as a friend, and how they know I will make any woman happy (not them). I wasn't one of those 'nice guy' you may read about in xojane or something. I was genuinely nice. I kept them as friends, because I know some of them probably had attractive single friends. It seemed, no matter how much I tried to better myself, get into shape, always being kind, always helping, always caring and caring about people, in the end, I was invisible to this girls as far as being datable. I spent college single basically. I had one girlfriend, and slept with a few. A handful of one night stands, the first few, I can understand, I was just awful in bed. Then I had a gf for 9 months before I broke up with her. Now start grad school. I am pretty much the same size as before, I am not an elephent, but I am fat. I am 270 lbs but very active. I was running 3 miles a day to lose weight and get into shape. Girls started paying attention to me because I am phD candidate, and now that I graduated and people call me doctor, it has become even more so. In fact, girls from my past have initiated contact, girls who have rejected me wanting to go on dates. One girl whom I really liked and I have had a couple nights together that were great. But my problem is now, now I am angry. I am not angry and an individual, but every time I see this bull**** about "Real men love curves" or "This is what real women look like" with these girls ostracsizing men for basically doing the same thing women have been doing to me for the majority of my life. My one gf put it: Nice guys finish last. You have tons of girls who love you, why are you bothered by it? I guess I am too proud. I am pissed off that these girls once thought they were better than me. I am pissed off that I was once deemed undatable by them. I learned to be a dick, and that brought even more women. Now I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know how to be happy with any girl. I just sit and think how they are all the same gold digging shallow bitches that I grew up around. I am always looking at the next girl and wondering if she will make me happy. Then I break a heart and try something new. A few months go by and I am bored, but she fell in love. They always do. Because I can't get rid of the nice and caring person in me. It's just in conflict with the part of me that doesn't care anymore. Doesn't care about being nice to women who have all ditched men for being all the things that the exciting bad boys aren't. And now they've realized that an exciting bad boy is an uneducated meat whistle who is destined to work mowing lawns for the rest of his life, they've decided they want the nice guy who spent his youth betting himself since no one looked twice at him. And they think they deserve it? I am angry and I don't know how to fix it. I am bitter and upset about having only slept with 2 girls before the age of 22. I am annoyed that after getting my phD, girls decided I was worth something. I am fed up with the double standards for dating. Women cry that men are too shallow while using the same platform for determining dateable men. I hate it and have no qualms when I break a girls heart. In the end, I am the unhappy one who is lonely but never alone. No girl has earned my love and I wish one would. I don't even know what the problem is with me and why I can't find a girl I like. I find girls I am attracted too all the time, but to find one that earns my love is impossible. Until then, I will keep breaking those hearts. Well, perhaps your expectations are unrealistic and maybe too "romanticized". And, given your attitude here, I think I would be difficult for a woman to get "through" the walls you have created anyway. I hate it and have no qualms when I break a girls heart. -- If you are breaking girls' hearts, they are at least attempting to love you and being angry and closed off doesn't allow you to focus on a woman the way you need to in order to even determine if she's "earning" your love. You've shut them out before they even have the opportunity. And, love isn't earned. A woman shouldn't have to jump through your preconceived and perhaps rigid hoops in order to be loved by you. It happens naturally and freely. If the parties are mutually meeting needs, then it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Edited June 30, 2015 by Redhead14 2
Author VengeanceGuidesMe Posted June 30, 2015 Author Posted June 30, 2015 First let me say that I do think it's great you're making an effort to get in shape. As a personal trainer, I work with people that don't have the will to do it on their own. So it takes strength of character to assess weaknesses and actually take action. But your problem isn't that you were nice. 1) You lacked confidence and weren't sexually assertive. Be honest. Did you ever make moves and go for it with these women, or were you always walking on egg shells acting unsure of yourself? Very sexually assertive. The first girl I had feelings for (whom rejected me for the othe guy I mentioned in OP) cheated on her bf with me later and took my virginity. After making it seem like she was going to break up with him, and then not. So that ****ed me up pretty good right there. I asked girls on dates, overtly mentioning "date!". I feigned a lot of confidence after high school, though a few of my friends saw right through it. A gf of mine told me the other day that she thought "I was the most confident person she met in college". 2) You acted like a push over. Just because you treat people well, doesn't mean you have to lack back bone or settle for situations you don't want to be in. If a woman says she just wants to be friends, you tell her "Call me if you change your mind. But I have no interest in friendship". Then you walk away. By remaining friends with all those women, you essentially surrounded yourself with rejection and communicated that you weren't good with women. **Being platonic friends with women is absolutely fine. But it should always be on your terms with a woman you had no sexual interest in whatsoever. Never settle for friendship with a woman you had an attraction for that rejected you. Let's say I was a pushover for sake of argument. I might have been. I never told these girls to shove off after being rejected, but I was a master of the fade. "Sure, let's be friends"... stop inviting them places. Some did invite me to try and maintain friendship, but usually I just blew them off. Anyway, whatever it was before, whether a lack of respect for myself (I had a lot of problems from childhood that involved alcoholic mother and drug addict father, and I did experiment a lot in college with drugs) or a lack of confidence, I had since fixed it. My problem isn't getting women now, it's actually caring about them. My problem is letting myself love and not just keep them all at an arms reach.
Author VengeanceGuidesMe Posted June 30, 2015 Author Posted June 30, 2015 Well, perhaps your expectations are unrealistic and maybe too "romanticized". And, given your attitude here, I think I would be difficult for a woman to get "through" the walls you have created anyway. I hate it and have no qualms when I break a girls heart. -- If you are breaking girls' hearts, they are at least attempting to love you and being angry and closed off doesn't allow you to focus on a woman the way you need to in order to even determine if she's "earning" your love. You've shut them out before they even have the opportunity. And, love isn't earned. A woman shouldn't have to jump through your preconceived and perhaps rigid hoops in order to be loved by you. It happens naturally and freely. If the parties are mutually meeting needs, then it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't. And what do I do to break down those walls? I used to give out my love so freely. Instead my heart was broke time after time. I can't give it out freely anymore. How do you decide whom to give it too? I am sure someone earns your love somehow.
fitnessfan365 Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Well, perhaps your expectations are unrealistic and maybe too "romanticized". And, given your attitude here, I think I would be difficult for a woman to get "through" the walls you have created anyway. I hate it and have no qualms when I break a girls heart. -- If you are breaking girls' hearts, they are at least attempting to love you and being angry and closed off doesn't allow you to focus on a woman the way you need to in order to even determine if she's "earning" your love. You've shut them out before they even have the opportunity. Red, this part of his post says it all : But my problem is now, now I am angry. I am not angry and an individual, but every time I see this bull**** about "Real men love curves" or "This is what real women look like" with these girls ostracsizing men for basically doing the same thing women have been doing to me for the majority of my life. If I had to guess, the women he rejects are heavyset. Since he feels he's been rejected because of his weight over the years, he hates the BS double standard when he's made to feel guilty over not liking larger women.
Author VengeanceGuidesMe Posted June 30, 2015 Author Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) he hates the BS double standard when he's made to feel guilty over not liking larger women. Absolutely not the case. Most larger women have no interest in me and chase skinny dudes, from my experience. Anyway, most larger women have never been interested in me. Somehow, I attract normal, healthy girls. The one girl from my past who I mentioned has tried to date me is actually very thin. She is quite physically attractive. Besides, I am not mostly rejecting women. I am mostly dating them, never falling in love, breaking their hearts, and not caring. It's more my outlook on dating that makes me worry, the fact that I harbor this hostility about the past. That I somehow am angry that the girls I am dating now would have rejected me in the past. I have become everything they want and I don't lie to them. It's like I resent them for something someone else has done. Though in reality, I want to love. I want to be happy with my partner. It just never happens. I decide it's better to let her go then drag her down with an unfulfilling relationship. It always ends with them telling me that I never let them in. Maybe it's all my fault. It feels like I try. I can't tell if I am preventing it or maybe I just haven't found the right person. I know it's unhealthy, but I can't shake it. I have a pride or something that I do not know how to let go. Edited June 30, 2015 by VengeanceGuidesMe
Redhead14 Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 (edited) And what do I do to break down those walls? I used to give out my love so freely. Instead my heart was broke time after time. I can't give it out freely anymore. How do you decide whom to give it too? I am sure someone earns your love somehow. You simply need to be "open" to seeing people as they are in the beginning and managing your emotions and expectations when you first start dating someone. If by "freely" you mean, you seem to get invested in dating partners quickly, you just need to manage your emotions, not shut them down, just be relaxed and expectation free for a while anyway. Let them show you who they are and gradually and you show them who you are. Sure, they need to earn your trust and confidence in them but you need to trust them first. Let them "into" your life a little at a time. It's not the love they are earning. They earn your trust and confidence, they make you feel loved and comfortable -- that's when the love happens. You don't put the "love" out there without boundaries either. I mean you don't let yourself be used or become someone's sugar daddy because you're over-giving, etc. Take them on nice dates but don't go overboard with spending money or time with them, talk about your lives and wishes for the future, see if those things match up between you. Get clear in your head about what you want in a relationship for yourself in general. But don't have a rigid set of idealized expectations. Don't keep a picture of "Snow White" in your head. No one is perfect. One of my favorite quotes is "If you spend your dating life looking for someone who is perfect and think you've found one, they won't have found the same thing". You go out and date, have fun without expectations in the beginning. Observe and let things unfold naturally each time. And, simply remember that not everyone and very few are going to be the 'One(s)". It's just the way it is. You can't carry around anger and frustration from previous attempts into new dating scenarios. Leave the past in the past and view each new opportunity with an open heart and mind. Enjoy your life, even if you're single. We only get one. Edited June 30, 2015 by Redhead14
BronzeAgeJaeger217 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 this is what an Australian Dating Coach/Guru said: "Some nice guys have the mistaken belief that a woman will go through a “bad boy phase” and then eventually realize that she wants a nice guy who treats her like a princess. This belief stems from seeing very confident, assertive women in their 30s and 40s eventually settling down with a nice guy. Why does that happen? Simple. Women lose their attractiveness as they age. When a woman hits 30 years of age, she rapidly begins to lose value on the mating market. She eventually gets to the point where she has to accept whatever she can get because all the confident guys are either committed or still sleeping with women in their 20s." 1
Grumpybutfun Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Your childhood and your propensity to anger over normal growing pains makes me think you need therapy. Anger management wouldn't be a bad idea either. You can't come in here and ask us how to rid you of anger when you need a good excavation and support system as built in by a good professional therapist. As a PhD you must understand the importance of utilizing the right resources for the right problems. Get thee to a professional and trust in the process so that you stop thinking of yourself as that fat insecure kid with a dysfunctional family. The most important thing in this life is be kind, compassionate, self accepting, hardworking, creative and loving. I'm a very nice guy from a bad beginning too, and I was mentored, found my own path and stopped blaming everyone else for my issues and started fixing me. I was a helpful, nice guy and I had plenty of lovely girlfriends and ONS whom I really enjoyed as people. They weren't a gauge of my worth. Women are human beings....not a gauge for your worth, or something to punish for your pain. Don't make the mistake of thinking that anger, pain and vengeance will do anything other than rob you of your life and purpose. Good luck, Grumps 1
Teraskas Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Two things: Woman are way less visual than men. An overweight man has more chance of getting gfs than overweight gf bfs... Actually, studies have shown otherwise. ^^ Aside from that you should take a look at a show called 'Dating in the dark' on YouTube, where a participator's appearance is only shown at the end. At times it can be hilarious, I freely admit that. xD There have been many instances where a male and female candidate have truly hit it off with one another, had great chemistry, personality and dates in the 'dark room'. Yet when the spotlights are turned on, the women were every bit as visually judgemental as men. Bottom line being: great personality didn't matter, as the deciding factor was nothing but the visual aspect. 4
guest569 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 Looks matter to both genders, so what? Thinner i am the more interest i have gained from men. I dont give a crap if a guy has a phd
Toodaloo Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 The problem is right there in the name you chose for yourself. Vengeance Guides Me... I know you have been hurt but to allow that hurt to carry on... No good. From the wize words of Yoda... Vengeance turns to hate, hate turns to the dark side... or something like that... Not watched Star Wars for a while... I know where you are coming from but on the other foot and like many I have gone through far far worse than you describe. Instead of trying to take it out on men I accepted that some men are a-holes. Others are great. Instead of pushing myself to search and look for something unattainable I search and look for someone that I enjoy and get on with. You seem so angry and hateful... Time to let that go and learn how to stop letting the people who are not so great walk all over you and let the people who are great into your life. Learn to look after yourself so that you in turn can choose and look after those who will look after you. 2
lino Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 You've learnt how it works, well done Don't be hateful though and seek revenge. It is tempting but not worth it and definitely not the trait of a nice guy. I stumbled as a young bloke as well though my hang ups weren't looks related. I'm not a bastard to my girl nor have I ever been unfaithful... but I'd never do anything nice for her nor any woman I'd ever consider romantically. Trial and error is a slow but effective way to learn
elaine567 Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 but I'd never do anything nice for her nor any woman I'd ever consider romantically. Oh dear.... 1
baco Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 I think it would be a good ideia for the OP to get some counseling, there seems to be a few things from the past that you need to get through and I think you could benefit from therapy. I get the ideia (may be wrong) from your original post that you were being nice in order to sleep (get into a relatinship) with the girls or at least to have them give good references of you to their friends, I have to say I find that a bit manipulative, being nice in my book means being a decent human being to everyone not expecting something in return, treating someone nicely does not give you the right to anything. People have the right to chose whoever they want, a friend can advice, but ultimately is the person's choice. Both men and women are human and have flaws, generalization is never good in any gender, some are better people then other, some prefer a skinny partner, others prefer a more athletic one and others prefer someone bigger, some man want a trophy wife, some women are gold diggers, some want kids, others don't, you know where I'm getting at. Just because you were mistreated or you perceived that you were mistreated by a few women, that does not automatically makes half of the world population "evil". Sorry if the post seemed harsh, that is not the purpose, I just think that you should re-evaluate your relantioship with women and try to get rid of all that anger, therapy may help you achieve this. 2
empresario Posted July 16, 2015 Posted July 16, 2015 You are doing this to yourself. I was the definition of socially awkward until I was 23. Now I'm a very successful entrepreneur with 3 companies under my belt. I also grew into myself and am very attractive. Am I bitter? Hell no. Because why I've changed and why I'm successful is I've learned one key thing: you are responsible for your own success. You choose what's important to you. You choose what you do during each day. I chose to work out and get a great body because I wanted to have confidence. Once I started attracting women, why would I ever look at that as a negative? They don't know who you were. They haven't walked in your shoes. You are being unfair and projecting your own unhappiness onto them. Look at it this way...you don't know where they've been either. Are you taking their experiences for granted? THEY never thought they were better than you. And who are you to be their jury, judge, and executioner? Isn't that the same philosophy that built up your hatred? What you have is a brain problem. You are working under covert contracts and under the assumption that niceness gets rewarded with what you want or will make you happy. You are dead wrong. I tell this to people a lot. Read: "No More Mr. Nice Guy". The book drastically changed my self-perception and how I approach my whole entire life. It's a wakeup call, so be ready for it. There is nothing wrong with you innately. You are just a product of your experiences. You need to change the way you think, not the way you are. 3
Author VengeanceGuidesMe Posted July 16, 2015 Author Posted July 16, 2015 Interesting. Been a while since I was on. Sorta got banned for a bit for a misunderstood comment. Anyway, thanks everyone for the responses. First, there was one commenter about me being nice as what xojane I think it was liked to call "nice guy tm".. the guy who is nice thinking it's going to get him laid. That wasn't it at all for me. I was just nice, nice to dudes, to girls, to everyone. I don't do it for people to like me, I did it because I grew up in ****ed up low income ghetto around people who were always mean and looking out for only themselves. I felt the pain of getting made fun of, I felt the fear of no one to turn to for help, as a baby sitter sexually assaulted my sister and I. I've been through enough in my life to know the pain someone can cause someone else, and I never wanted to be the source of that pain. I was just gentle. In the end, I just got my heart broke again and again because girls in high school were worried about what others might say, or girls in college thought the skinny dude majoring in philosophy was smart because he used a big word and could beat them in "intellectual" arguments. Anyway, I'm entirely ****ed up and I have a few friends I confide in. I think the truth is that I should probably get counseling. My point is that I can't find happiness with any woman because I have incredibly high standards on personality- I can't date someone who harbors racist ideologies, who is ridiculously feministic, who aren't intellectual enough to entertain conversations over abstract ideas from science to society. I think I have a hard time settling now because I've found that I am an amazing person, that I deserve something as good as I am- and I don't think many girls could possibly be that because... my excuses and rants. My motivation started back in school, something I decided was that if I was perfect, no one could make fun of me. And so I worked my ass off in school and the weight room. I became a high school starter in several sports, became very strong and athletic, did well in school, and didn't make fun of anyone. I kept my head down so no one would make fun of me and I gave them no reason to. I carry around hatred and I don't want to. I just wrote what goes through my head. I have figured it out, I have figured out how to attract women.. if only I knew how to love someone now. 1
Author VengeanceGuidesMe Posted July 17, 2015 Author Posted July 17, 2015 No idea what MGTOW is, but I'll google it. I mean, I love the feeling of shoving the "too good for you attitude" back in their face, but I generally don't do it. I don't go out of the way not to though, so it is what it is. Though, the thing is, I want to find a partner for life, so I need to learn to start to accept people into my life and let people in. I'm so tired of every one of my connections fading into nothingness. Some people say I burn bridges, but in honesty, I never let that thing get built. 1
avintagegirl Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 I am sorry you had a rough go in your relationships. In my opinion, yes get counseling. You say you are treating other women because that is the way you were treated and now are unable to love the way you want. I know that kind of anger. I had anger like that. It wasn't directed in the same way but it was there. It also took me a long time to get rid of it. The way I let it go was this: I saw the big picture. Yes I was angry, I was pissed and have every damn right to be. I was ok going through life angry. Then I realized - that anger, who does it hurt? Its not hurting the person it was directed at, not totally. Those people didn't carry my anger. They werent punished by carrying my anger daily - I was. So not only was I carrying the original hurt, but them I was hurting myself by being mad, which got me more mad and it was one big cycle. Break the anger. It doesn't serve you. You have accomplished many things to be proud of! I hope you are proud of those achievements. Not everyone gets as far in life as you did. You turned lemons into lemonade, now you just need to add ice and chill. You need to let go of the anger. You are better than being mad at people who never gave anything to you. Why are you spending any time or energy on those people when you have so many other positive things in your life? You are a fortunate man. Feel your fortune. Be happy in it. The reality is, those women, they don't matter. At the end of the day, when it's you and only you, what matters is you have worked hard and were successful. Do me a favor, feel the anger and close your fist. Look at your fist. Your fist is all the anger. Now let that fist be your heart. Your heart, when angry is closed. Now, slowly release your fist until your hand is open. Look at your open palm. It will have lines (scars) that are the markings of your life. The are the roads you have been down. Now look at your whole hand. Look at the openness, how easy it is to receive when not balled up in anger. When you are open and ready to receive love, real love, it will find you. I wish you all the best on that journey. 2
ascendotum Posted July 17, 2015 Posted July 17, 2015 Looks matter to both genders, so what? Thinner i am the more interest i have gained from men. I dont give a crap if a guy has a phd Yes they do. I think it just annoys some guys when women many deny it. I personally believe women are just a visual and place high priority on looks (includes physique not just face) though it varies at what life stage she is in...is she looking for nothing serious, is she looking for a guy to marry & have family with, is she looking for a guy to settle down with and be there to take care of her for old age. Imo with both genders, people tend to be as shallow as their options. I can understand the resentment of the OP, especially concerning the girls that had said he was 'a great guy but not for them'. Myself and some of my friends have had women come back and show interest in us after they had chubbed up or got older. We were only interested in fwb with them now, just like the bunch of previous guys. They were annoyed as they knew we were keen on them, but we weren't stupid and knew we were fall back options. I got laid more, girls initiated more and raunchier sex when I was doing well with the body building. Its just the way it is. For many people who do transformations (not desired to desired) the change in enthusiasm from the opposite sex will be very welcome but could will also make them cyclical as from their perspective they are still very close to being the person they were before. Now people think they are worthy when they weren't before..and its due to $$, new popularity, weight lost or weight gained. Its easy to know the shallow ones when its women that you have known for yrs who are now suddenly happy to sleep with you whereas before you were not their type. The reality is though the new transformed guy could meet a woman today who he thinks is really cool and she thinks likewise of him but just the same as the other women if he had met her 5 yrs ago when she was sexier, slimmer and not looking for marriage partner and he was poorer/fatter/less confident or whatever, she could have had no time for him then as well. You would never know, and its tricky to assume either way. You could be cynical of women but it would just cause you so much stress & cynicism and dissatisfaction in your relationships...which is exactly what the OP is going through. Aggravating it even more for him is that he cares much less about the women now and they want to stick with him even more. It will be a hard cycle to break in the short term. Maybe go for a different type of woman than he has, and one who he thinks is authentic. Maybe don't mention anything about Phd and be his genuine nice self with when first meeting her. For the OP at least he is experiencing a turn around in his desirability at a reasonably young age, and he should appreciate that. For other stable nothing special nice guy guys it wont happen until late 20s or mid 30s when for women who are looking for stable good provider settle down guys to marry/have a baby and not work anymore.
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