jen1447 Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 I agree with BlueIris - imo there was nothing at all unreasonable with the way she communicated her problem, and I really don't feel she was overreacting by taking offense at her accomplishment being ignored. 4
fitnessfan365 Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Wow.. It sounds like he : 1) Lacks common sense - I mean you mentioned the project and being proud for finishing repeatedly. I personally would've said - "Congrats for finishing! Now w/work behind you, let's play w-u get home. ;)" 2) Is self involved - All his responses involve him and what he has going on. 3) Isn't a good communicator - I think you've done a good job voicing your concerns/issues in a straight forward non confrontational way. Yet instead of being receptive and listening to you, he just blows up at you. That definitely has to be frustrating. 2
Gary S Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Another long distance relationship based on text. Both of those things can be problematic.
Redhead14 Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Interesting. So open with an apology or self-deprecation? -- Just learning here. That wouldn't be my style, but okay. That is not self-deprecation it is acknowledging that he may have simply missed something or been busy and not intentionally over looking it (giving him the benefit of the doubt, instead of assuming and accusing him of purposely not acknowledging her accomplishment).
elaine567 Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Wow.. It sounds like he : 1) Lacks common sense - I mean you mentioned the project and being proud for finishing repeatedly. I personally would've said - "Congrats for finishing! Now w/work behind you, let's play w-u get home. ;)" Exactly, proper bf talk. No-one needs spoon-fed ways to congratulate someone on a achievement. Even 5 year olds know how to celebrate success. He is her bf, her achievements should be his achievements, he should have acknowledged and shared her happiness. Instead he chose to ignore it and then got hissy when she pulled him up on it. 4
Keenly Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Exactly, proper bf talk. No-one needs spoon-fed ways to congratulate someone on a achievement. Even 5 year olds know how to celebrate success. He is her bf, her achievements should be his achievements, he should have acknowledged and shared her happiness. Instead he chose to ignore it and then got hissy when she pulled him up on it. I really have to express a dissenting opinion on this one. One can not expect another human being to respond only one way to anything, regardless of the situation. We are humans. We have emotions. We can't expect that some one will always be supportive, that they always must praise you or prop you up. If it does become expected, it loses its meaning and it's worth entirely because it's no longer genuine, but rather robotic auto responsive. It turns into "that's great, dear " 1
losangelena Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 OP, I hate to break it to you, but MOST MEN can't accept that kind of criticism. Gaeta's right, they just interpret it as "I messed up." I agree with most of the posters. Of course you're entitled to your opinion of how he chooses to communicate, but I think the way you went about it sounds OVERLY critical. I personally would have waited until I got home to address it, if I felt like it still needed to be addressed. Over texts or Whatsapp (sp?) seems like a less than ideal choice. I'd probably couch it like, "it hurt my feelings a bit that you didn't congratulate me on my accomplishment." Your BF probably didn't MEAN to ignore it, and probably didn't mean to make you feel bad—maybe he was tired or simply overwhelmed by the 10 waiting messages. If he sees that he really did make you feel bad, then he can give you a hug and a kiss and congratulate you on the spot and you'll both feel good. If I were him I'd probably feel like you were assuming the worst about me. 2
dispatch3d Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 This is deal breaker stuff for me. If he wants to get all in a huff over nothing that's not really acceptable. Taking what you said at face value, I'd be giving near ultimatums assuming its just best to end the relationship now. Both outbursts are unacceptable in my world. And I couldn't disagree more with the people that think if you approached it better he would have reacted better. He shouldn't react like a child when you mention not congratulating you on a big project you finished. Its not much effort for him and would have been much more mature of him to just agree he should have mentioned it and apologized (or just said oh my bad, congrats on finishing the project). 1
katiegrl Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 In this case, "I understand you may have been busy and I did send a ton of messages last night. I am excited and proud that I completed that project and I had hoped you would share my excitement." His response should be 'gosh, you're right, I missed that and I am proud of you. Kiss, kiss. "Or, yeah, I was so busy, I forgot to tell you and I am proud of you." That is essentially what she DID say...except it wasn't wrapped with pretty little ribbons and bows the way how you worded it was. IMO, it doesn't matter if she says it directly the way she did, or wrapped with little pink ribbons the way you worded it...the message is the same. She is NOT happy with him and what he is giving her (emotionally)...and wants him to change to suit HER needs....which is wrong. She needs to either accept what does give her...or if she can't, move on. 1
BlueIris Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 To be fair, she was more open than that: Am I overreacting? Or is he really incapable of taking any criticism from me? What should I do? Thanks.
thecharade Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Just to tell you how it plays out (or did for me) when I handled it differently? The same way! I tried bringing something up at a later, better time. I tried just mentioning it. I tried being cute about it. In the end, he never embraced any of my needs. Turns out my approach had nothing to do with it; he simply did not want to deal with any of my needs. You wrote, "sometimes I wonder . . . example . . ." That wording suggests you have gotten these types of responses from him before? I have to question why he was not naturally, innately, spontaneously happy for you? Flat out NOT a good sign. Most of us are very proud of the person we're with. But, instead of looking at this in isolation, there are other red flags that would shed more light on his personality: Does he apologize easily and genuinely? Does he remember what's going on in your life and ask you thoughtful questions? Does he value your opinion and let you make decisions with him? Does he compliment you in a genuine way and encourage you in life? There are more questions to ask, but if you DO feel lots of genuine appreciation from him regarding your choices, accomplishments, opinions, personality, then this may just be a glitch. But if you are noticing a lack of enthusiasm for you as a separate, accomplished, awesome, amazing woman--someone he is lucky to be dating!--well . . . not at all good. You should always feel valued by your loved one. Otherwise, what's the point? 1
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 '"Incredible that you start with this AGAIN"-. I think a lot of it has to do with this little bit here. Whether Orangetree agrees or not it sounds like her boyfriend feels negatively criticized often. I think he's reached a point where everything she says sounds like a complain, and whether she is right to complain or not, he doesn't make the difference anymore and he's just fed up. Orangetree thinks last time she made a comment was something like 3 months ago but I am ready to bet she makes a lot of passive aggressive little comments she is not aware of that her boyfriend chose to ignore, but like anyone who's trying to endure a negative behavior he finally blew up. 2
BlueIris Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 I think a lot of it has to do with this little bit here. Whether Orangetree agrees or not it sounds like her boyfriend feels negatively criticized often. I think he's reached a point where everything she says sounds like a complain, and whether she is right to complain or not, he doesn't make the difference anymore and he's just fed up. Orangetree thinks last time she made a comment was something like 3 months ago but I am ready to bet she makes a lot of passive aggressive little comments she is not aware of that her boyfriend chose to ignore, but like anyone who's trying to endure a negative behavior he finally blew up. Now that's a lot of speculation. That's why I prefer bench trials to jury trials. 2
Gaeta Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 Now that's a lot of speculation. hhmm the little Agatha Christie in me had some free time to kill at the office :-) 1
losangelena Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 OP, by the way, how long have you been together with this guy? You recently started threads about being recently broken up—is this the same guy? Are y'all back together? 1
BluEyeL Posted July 1, 2015 Posted July 1, 2015 Yeah, men in general do not like head on criticisms and complaints like that. My posts here all sound the same. Keep your cool, women! No man likes that, all the hear is "nag nag nag nag". So I'd say in the future don't nag a guy who doesn't do what you want him to do. Observe, pull back if you have to, accept it, or not accept it. If you have to say something, tell him directly, to his face, in a matter of fact way and that's it. But not about every little thing. I agree with you though, and with the others that think that a man who doesn't have it in him to congratulate you on your accomplishments isn't a considerate man and I'd file this incident under the "negatives" column. You don't want to end up with a man who ignores you and never supports you, or is jealous of your accomplishments. On the flip side, my ex-H was verbally praising me to the moon and back. And he's still doing that, and we've been divorced six years. But in fact, while to my face he was praising me, he envied me secretly and in the end cheated on me and abandoned the family under the reason that supposedly I'm too accomplished and I make him feel bad about himself. And, because he declared me superhuman, he said I didn't support HIM enough and "I" didn't get him a better job because "you can do ANYTHING, you just didn't want to.". So, admiration and support have to be expressed. But they also need to be genuine. 1
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