wanting to heal Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 A marriage is a vow. A promise. Mine was broken recently, and it has torn me up. I have almost no peace any more. Does anyone listen to the words in their vows? Do we just change? What happens to honesty, communication, that deep need for each other? I see so many posts about people who just do what "feels good". Love means that you care enough about someone to put them first. When you start putting yourself first it is hard to be happy. Having someone want you, look at you in a special way, want to please you, want to raise a happy family, want to relax with you, admire you, etc is what life is about. We all want someone that we want to do that for, but in time it seems that our selfishness just takes over. The saddest part is that the friendship dies before the marriage does. We have become too complicated. Or, this sh*t was going on for years and we had no message boards to spill our guts on.
moimeme Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Or, this sh*t was going on for years and we had no message boards to spill our guts on. People wrote to the newspaper columnists, joined groups, got drunk, and coped in other dysfunctional ways. Love is action - often the action of putting aside one's own desires in order to allow someone else to be happy. Few people get that anymore. Back when more people were religious, they were taught this by their religions. Now even some so-called 'Christian' religions preach hard, cold, intolerant behaviour rather than love, sacrifice, and compassion. It is terribly hard to find someone who keeps promises, I'm afraid.
SixthSt.Girl Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Originally posted by wanting to heal Having someone want you, look at you in a special way, want to please you, want to raise a happy family, want to relax with you, admire you, etc is what life is about. We all want someone that we want to do that for, but in time it seems that our selfishness just takes over. That may be what *your* life is all about. That's obviously not what your (ex?) wife's life is all about. Personally, I think lifelong companionship sounds like Hell - I couldn't stand the pressure of that commitment. I like companionship, but only in limited quantities. Kids? Don't even go there! Point is - not everyone wants that kind of cookie cutter life, but they can't admit it to themselves because it goes against the norm. That's a big trigger for affairs. Careers, family, etc. doesn't leave much self-love time - it's not selfish to want that, it's normal. Some partners can't understand that, nor care about fulfilling the request. They just pile on the pressure - thus, the MM/MW finds someone they can cut loose with. It is unfortunate, but it's going to happen if people can't take time to learn about their partners and look out for their needs. It's why I'm no longer in a romantic relationship - I haven't been able to find that person yet. If I can't find him, then I won't settle because that's breeding grounds for an affair.
diannelks Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 6thst girl, I agree with you. I have yet to care and love someone that I truly love enough to put him above of me. That is why I am living my current nightmare.......which sadly to say is of my own making. Hmm.. somehow it does sound acceptable coming from me rather than from someone else. wanting to heal, sorry to hear about your ordeal but I am also such a person. It is not that I didn't keep my promises, it just that I interpret it differently from what people normally do. I sometimes look for loopholes in the statement which means breaking it but not actually breaking it.
DazednConfused Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Wow, have I been gone this long?? I'm throwin in my BS flag. I have yet to care and love someone that I truly love enough to put him above of me. So you should have kept on looking rather than cause him the pain of your selfishness. If you didn't feel it, why marry for convenience??? If you love someone even a little bit, you cannot cause them that kind of pain. It is not that I didn't keep my promises, it just that I interpret it differently from what people normally do. I sometimes look for loopholes in the statement which means breaking it but not actually breaking it. Oh please. That may work inside your own head. "...Forsaking all others until death do us part..." Not much room there for loopholes. Unless you lie to yourself so much that you begin to believe yourself. <shrug> I know I cannot help you, and that you have heard my words or some like them before. At the end of the day, you are the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror. The rest of us have the option of leaving you to your own reflection forever. Peace. -Dazed
whichwayisup Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 A friend of mine got married 12 years ago. The vows exchanged BUGGED me ... And to this day NONE of it made sense...Instead of saying, for as long as we both shall live, they said..."For as long as we both shall want..." They went into the marriage with that...(Not that it makes a huge difference these days as some don't take their vows seriously anyway)...Yeah well, they're divorced. She actually told me she knew that it wasn't forever. To this day she still can't explain WHY the actually got married. Stupid if you ask me. And they have 2 kids.
catb Posted May 3, 2005 Posted May 3, 2005 People arent perfect, they break promises-vows- start living in the real world -words and vows are great but you have to live them to expect them to stick. Love may mean that you care about someone enough to put them first but love of self is the most important love of all because it seeps into all our relationships. Love really is a verb not a noun just becuse you stood in front of a bunch of people and said some fancy words means nothing- it's symbolic--there and then is where the work of marriage/commitment begins. 1
Author wanting to heal Posted May 3, 2005 Author Posted May 3, 2005 Maybe I am too simple. I expect someone to keep their promise to me. I expect it of myself to keep my promise to them. If you do not want me, just tell me so. If my behaviors bother you and you want me to change them I should be given the chance. If your wants just change, then don't I deserve to be set free rather than cheated on? Being told that you want out to persue greener pastures would be easier to take than grazing in my field and then sticking your head through the fence. This may be human nature, but it is not mine. When you do a survey of each other's needs and my wife ranks me very good in most categories and then cheats, how am I supposed to feel? The responses here seem to confirm that the concept of love being the attitude that you put someone else first is just lost anymore. It looks like I have my answer. People just want to please themselves. The problem is that if one does not have a conscience about not keeping their word then I cannot relate to them. I am not being holier than thou, this is just how I feel. If you break your promises then you should end any habit of making them.
bigbuffs Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 "...Forsaking all others until death do us part..." Not much room there for loopholes. Unless you lie to yourself so much that you begin to believe yourself. <shrug> I know I cannot help you, and that you have heard my words or some like them before. At the end of the day, you are the one who has to look at yourself in the mirror. The rest of us have the option of leaving you to your own reflection forever. Well said dazed I totally agree with you Wanting To Heal there is a reason people get married and it is becaus they want to take that vow to be with 1 person for the rest of their lives. If you don't really mean your vows or find them as just something you do then don't get married. Promises are NOT meant to be broken but those who do break them reflect a lot about the type of person they are (untrusyworthy, undependable, ect.). Love is so great that it only thinks of others it is selfless. There is no greater feeling than the feeling of unconditional love. It like seeing my wife happy and making my wife happy is what made me happy. Those of you that cheat on your spouses and then try to tell yourself that what you did was OK just drive me crazy. You talk like you never really did anything wrong (maybe it makes you feel better about yourselves) but you all betrayed someone who you love or did love. You put them through pain you could never imagine and if you were ever in the situation that you put them in you would never have done what you did. And not that I wish harm on you but If this world were fair then someday you would all experience what the betrayed have experienced. As for love the Bible has the most perfect verse to describe it 1 COR 13: 4-7 "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices when the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.....Love will last forever." To me this is what love is all about. This verse just sends chills down my spine evry once in a while. It's just a beautiful verse.
Debster Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 It's true, some people just aren't cut out for marriage. That's fine, to each their own. However, where it becomes an issue is when they don't have enough self-awareness to know that they won't like marriage - and get married anyways. Vows are what tie a marriage together. When my husband and I got married, we wrote our own vows based on what we want our marriage to be. I remember we had huge discussions over what we would finally select. We purposely didn't put in there to love forever, because love will come and go with time. The key is the commitment. Our vows were: I Debster take you DDDD, to be my husband. To have and to hold from this day forward. I promise to cherish, trust and respect you And be faithful to you. I vow to nurture our love and I will stand beside you for richer or poorer, in sickness, and in health, as long as we both shall live. My father said at all of his daughter's weddings that marriage is like velcro. It needs two to stick. My husband and I would like to add at our daughter or sons (to be) wedding that the more you re-assert yourself to the marriage, the better it will stick. SOrt of like each little sticky-up thing on velcro. I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope it works out for you.
catb Posted May 5, 2005 Posted May 5, 2005 Originally posted by bigbuffs Those of you that cheat on your spouses and then try to tell yourself that what you did was OK just drive me crazy. You talk like you never really did anything wrong (maybe it makes you feel better about yourselves) but you all betrayed someone who you love or did love. You put them through pain you could never imagine and if you were ever in the situation that you put them in you would never have done what you did. And not that I wish harm on you but If this world were fair then someday you would all experience what the betrayed have experienced. I will speak only for myself when i say the weight of cheating, the guilt, the knowing that i alone caused more pain to the people in my life than can be imagined is something i carry with me everyday-like a cancerous lesion. Believe me not all cheaters are horrible people, we hurt too and we have no one to blame but ourselves. I wish everyday i could undo what i have done. I only hope for wanting to heal that if his wife is truly remorseful, he finds it in his heart to forgive her and let her begin the long process of trying to heal the terrible wound. Cheaters betray not only their significant other, but themselves to.
Author wanting to heal Posted May 6, 2005 Author Posted May 6, 2005 Cat- Forgive yourself and let your attitude be your saving grace. You made a mistake, but you really see it. I do not know if it cost you your relationship. You have character and you did something out of character. The best part about hitting yourself in the head with a hammer is that it feels so good when you stop.
catb Posted May 7, 2005 Posted May 7, 2005 wanting to heal- thanks for your kind words. Your wife is a lucky lady- sometimes in life- crisis can lead to rebirth- you seem like the kind of person who is willing to let your wife make up for this unfortunate event. Get to the root of the problem- work like you never worked before to make it right- im sure its worth it. i was not as lucky- but i'm working thru it. God bless you friend. 1
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