The Prototype Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Okay, I know this is a weird question, but hear me out. My girlfriend and I of 15 months recently broke up (or took a break, whatever) due to her needing time because she felt like she was neglected by me recently (I have been swamped with 2 grad classes and working full time), and that she doesn't like feeling like second fiddle. Despite my assurances she wasn't, and that the semester would be over in about 3 weeks or so, she said she wanted some time to think about things. She said she is afraid that this drive to succeed in work/school will be a pattern that will leave her feeling neglected in the future. She said the relationship had been too routine recently, and she found herself allowing resentment over my time constraints build up. We had planned on not contacting each other to give us some perspective. Keep in mind, I think she is being an immature, naive baby. If you can't deal with life now, what about kids in the picture, marriage issues, etc... To be honest, I can't apologize very much for my behavior, since I wasn't out of line at a all, without getting into details. Pretty much everyone has agreed I am the one who got hosed. I had the biggest paper of tmy academic life due last thursday, and a big final this friday. Breakups suck, by try them while writing a paper on radar design - nauseating!!! Anyway, Her friends have told her she is making a mistake, and her family was very disappointed in her for this (she told me as much). I also have spoken to her father (he is my realtor...), and went out on a limb to ask him for advice. He said she spent all her time talking to her mother about us and the break and the relationship, and he only got bits and pieces, but he would be happy to get info from her mother, his wife, and pass it on to me. He likes me A LOT, and knows I kind of got screwed in this deal. So it is cool he is kind of on my side. I never got to say goodbye to anything to her mother, since the day we decided this, I just left the house upset, understandably. I have contemplated stopping by when the exGF isn;t home and seeing the mother to say hi, and ask her what is going on. I have also thought instead I may just email her and ask her. I feel bad for never saying goodbye, or see you later, or anything, as they have been my second family for over a year. Also, I know the mother supports me, and I would like to know what is the best thing for me to be doing right now for the ex and me. We have talked a few times post "no contact"; she called me 2 days after it began when she heard I had gone out with friends to DC. Then she called later that day to ask if we could meet to discuss some things. We did a week later, and nothing real earth shattering came out of it. Same stuff. She said she thinks we each show our love for each other in different ways. She said we didn't communicate some things well enough. I told her that to me, breaking up, even in the short term, is drastic and foolish, but she said she needed to do it right now for herself. Since we started the break, she has asked once if I thought about her. She mentioned she was wearing "my shirt", a recent gift, to her girlfriends shower. We have played phone tag. I wanted to get some clarification for my own sanity of what we were trying to accomplish again, and called her (dang). She returned my call, and we basically left a few messages back and forth. I decided (perhaps I should not have ) to swing by and see her after her team's practice (she is a lacrosse coach). She actually had a game, and we chatted for a quick second, since the game was about to begin. I left her a message saying I was sorry if I caught her off guard, but had wanted to ask her something. She called me the next morning on the way into work and said no hard feelings, she just didn't expect to see me, and seeing me caught her off guard. I did not call her back, and have not called her since, as I am decided NC and some time alone were perhaps the best thing for both of us. Anyway, with regards to her mother, I am tempted to email her to say hello and apologize for not saying goodbye or whatever. And also, to clarify what exactly my ex expects or wants from me now. It is all fuzzy and emotional right now. Do I stay away, do I try to reemphasize that I have time and love for her? I know her mom wants us to work things out, and will let me know what is going on. But is this a bad idea? Basically, I am looking for the mom to tell me "you need to let her go", or to say "she needs time alone, she still cares for you, giver her time", or " you really need to contact her, she needs it". Any of those would be clarity and give me some direction. I just fear me all of a sudden going NC will give the impression I am done and don't want something more with her. perhaps that's the idea, but this way, I will know what she is hoping for. Thanks for the help!
yuv Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 I wasn't looking for anything more than a polite tapering off with an ex's mother after the ex-gf and I agreed mutually to end our relationship. I wanted to say goodbye to her mom and be nice so we e-mailed back and forth for a little while (I wasn't going to go visit). Her mom was perfectly polite and my ex, who I talked to now and then, commented on how well her mom seemed to get along well with me. It wasn't until several months later that I found out that her mother had been encouraging her to see other guys, because she had a problem with me not being Jewish. Never saw that one coming. Trust me, parents understand these things. Even if you believe that you forged really, really deep bonds, mom will understand why you stop contact. Whatever you do, don't go asking her mom anything personal. (Been down THAT road, too.) Think of it this way: it's going to get back to your ex (probably in a modified form, like the game "telephone.") Whatever you type in an e-mail or say on the phone, imagine your ex reading or listening in on an extension. TRUST ME.
BigB Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 If you feel the need to contact her mom and say sorry, or goodbye, or whatever, do it by email. Don't discuss your relationship with her, it'll bite you in the ass later. and don't go visit behind your ex's back, that'll bite you in the ass as well.
Angeleyez2583 Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Ok so here's how I see it. You can't go through parents to get your ex back. I sent my ex's mom and dad flowers thanking them for always being there and being like second parents. That was it. Do not go calling her mom. It is a bad idea I promise you. You could email her mom and say, thank you for everything you have done, blah blah blah, but don't get into any details with her about ur past relationship. I think your ex is not very understanding of your needs. When I dated me ex, he was always studying and in the library. I let him be. If you really love someone, you want what's best for them. I understand she is hurt, but if she truly loves you, she would want you to be sucessful.
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