aloneinaz Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 (edited) OP- You HAVE to know what you should do. You MUST leave her alone and let her live her life. She's in a relationship with someone else. She's being nice by communicating with you in a non-work way but ALSO she's getting her ego stroked KNOWING you want her as well. Having a BF and an ex pining for you still can be very intoxicating to them. You're also being her door mat and little puppy standing on the sidelines, begging for attention. You're never going to move past her doing this. This is why this site preaches NC and out of sight, out of mind. If you have to have contact w/her, be 100% business like and that's it. In the meantime, worry about you and your healing from her and find someone new. Don't provide ANY attention to her and follow the advice given to so many people on this site. Edited July 26, 2015 by aloneinaz 3
Author Rainmkr555 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 (edited) But I do need to text her tomorrow morning about this work issue. And I feel that if I just send a text saying: "Hi Did the new nurse call you this weekend?" That it may come across like I'm being pouty and sad. But.... If I send an overly happy text like: "Hey good morning!!! :) I hope you had a great weekend!!! I'm sure you did Did the new nurse end up contacting you?" Won't that send a message to her that she can't hurt me? That yes I know you were with this man all weekend probably having an amazing time and having sex with him all the time but it STILL does NOT hurt me. Even though that's total BS of course because I'm dying inside lol. Because to be honest I HAVE text her on Tuesday to wish her happy birthday. I just cannot ignore that. I've already written a text that I plan on sending her Tuesday morning. Here it is: STO LAT BEBE!! :) My birthday wish for you is that you continue to be happy.....and it seems like you have found someone that will make you happy for a very long time. You deserve that I hope that one day I can find someone amazing like you again.....and hopefully that person will want me. I don't know if it matters to you (I hope it does)....but friends or otherwise.....you will ALWAYS be in my heart and I will always be here for you. Enjoy YOUR special day HAPPY BIRTHDAY <3 :-* STO LAT means happy birthday in Polish. She is Polish. And "bebe" is a little pet name we would call each other. And in FACT....during this past week we have been talking again.... She did call me "bebe" once all on her own. Don't you think it might confuse her to see me so happy and not bothered by anything at all? Edited July 26, 2015 by Rainmkr555
Hoosfoos Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 Your texts sound needy and desperate. Trust me, it's not a turn on for women having their exes be the "nice" guy and sent them constant texts which serve only your wishes for getting back together with her. It will only give her an ego boost and drain you. Your texting wishing her all these lovely things needs to stop.
pidgeon1010 Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 OMG those two texts should be put in bold, all caps, underlined to show what not to send to an ex. Look to be blunt, you come off extremely desperate and desperation is not sexy. It's a big turn off. The first text can read: I hope you had a great bday weekend and then just get right to the point with the work issue. If you must send a birthday greeting (don't see the point), you can just outright say happy bday and that's it. You are trying to create this alternate universe where you pretend like things are somewhat back to normal and she doesn't have a boyfriend and in the end the only person you're hurting is yourself. Go NC permanently and work on finding your inner peace and emotional well-being. You are currently hindering your own progress to moving on. Best wishes! 1
Author Rainmkr555 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 I hear you. Trust me I do. But it takes someone telling me something many many times if you haven't noticed for me to acknowledge it. Can someone please explain to me in detail why that birthday text sounds desperate? I mean in the text I am making it very CLEAR that I KNOW she has a boyfriend that I KNOW she's very happy with him and that she deserves that. To be happy. What is wrong with that? I am letting her know that it does not bother me. But I am happy for HER....... Even if I know that is BS. SHE still think that this is not bothering me at all. Yes, this woman is very dear to me. I care about her a lot. What is wrong with letting her know that she will always be in my heart and I will always be here for her? I am not begging her to be with me. I am not pleading with her to leave this man. I am not crying and telling her how much this whole situation is hurting me. Not doing any of that. All I'm saying is that I care about her and I will be here for her and that I'm happy that this man is making HER very happy. Obviously I must be clueless as to what I'm doing here. Because to me since her birthday is coming up and she knows I know that..... I don't see what's wrong with sending her a nice message like that. Honestly, do you think I come across as more confident if I just keep my conversations with her all businesslike from now on? That send a OBVIOUS message that I'm still bitter about this and that I am not moving on......no? Instead if I show her that I am happy and that this is not bothering me at all and I'm still being cordial and nice to her that shows her how confident I am in myself? And that I do NOT NEED HER for me to be happy? I seriously am totally confused here.
DKT3 Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 I hear you. Trust me I do. But it takes someone telling me something many many times if you haven't noticed for me to acknowledge it. Can someone please explain to me in detail why that birthday text sounds desperate? I mean in the text I am making it very CLEAR that I KNOW she has a boyfriend that I KNOW she's very happy with him and that she deserves that. To be happy. What is wrong with that? I am letting her know that it does not bother me. But I am happy for HER....... Even if I know that is BS. SHE still think that this is not bothering me at all. Yes, this woman is very dear to me. I care about her a lot. What is wrong with letting her know that she will always be in my heart and I will always be here for her? I am not begging her to be with me. I am not pleading with her to leave this man. I am not crying and telling her how much this whole situation is hurting me. Not doing any of that. All I'm saying is that I care about her and I will be here for her and that I'm happy that this man is making HER very happy. Obviously I must be clueless as to what I'm doing here. Because to me since her birthday is coming up and she knows I know that..... I don't see what's wrong with sending her a nice message like that. Honestly, do you think I come across as more confident if I just keep my conversations with her all businesslike from now on? That send a OBVIOUS message that I'm still bitter about this and that I am not moving on......no? Instead if I show her that I am happy and that this is not bothering me at all and I'm still being cordial and nice to her that shows her how confident I am in myself? And that I do NOT NEED HER for me to be happy? I seriously am totally confused here. Honestly, your thinking about this too much. I know you think she is awesome, but what I see from the outside is a woman using the fact that you care so deeply for her to keep you hanging around just in case. She doesn't now and likely never has seen you as boyfriend worthy. Here is the message you should send her "____________________" that right NOTHING.
keebee Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 It seems desperate because of your insistence on showing that you are okay with her moving on and with her having a boyfriend and how important her happiness is to you, etc. etc. As a woman--whenever I had an ex-BF who I'd broken up with and did not want back, I'd cringe a little bit and read those long text messages as quick as I could just to get it over with. A text message like the one you wrote above would make me feel secondhand embarrassment if an ex sent it to me. Just don't do it, yo! 1
aloneinaz Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 I hear you. Trust me I do. Can someone please explain to me in detail why that birthday text sounds desperate? Because, she's NOT your GF nor your friend. She's an ex who's getting banged by another guy while you're pining over her. You need to find your pride and self respect my friend. Who gives a rats AZZ what she thinks about you NOT wishing her happy birthday. You should NOT care what she thinks. I mean in the text I am making it very CLEAR that I KNOW she has a boyfriend that I KNOW she's very happy with him and that she deserves that. To be happy. What is wrong with that? I am letting her know that it does not bother me. But I am happy for HER....... Even if I know that is BS. SHE still think that this is not bothering me at all. Listen, re-read the above posts that say you're being needy, clingy and desperate. There should be zero reason for you to "text" her at all. If you're in a position where you need to contact her, do it by email. That's more business like than a personal text. When MOST people break up, they stop ALL contact. They want out of sight, out of mind to allow separation and healing. That's the NORM. Having or clinging to reasons to stay in any contact is only going to drag out your getting over her and past this. You don't owe her #hit. No happy bday text, no "hope you had a great weekend", nothing.. You're writing a play book on all the things NOT to do when your relationship is over with someone. You couldn't be turning her off more. Want her to have some respect for you going forward? Stop having contact with her. If you HAVE to, be short, business like and that's it. If she says "what's the matter, you're not being nice anymore", don't answer it. Let her know you've moved on by your ACTIONS, not words. Want her to REALLY respect you more? Find someone else to date. That will knock the chip off her shoulder and deflate her ego. Bottom line, STOP making excuses to stay in contact with her. It's NOT your job to be her beastie.. She's your EX! 1
Learningtowalkagain Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 I work with my ex. She's only in the office a few days a week so we don't see each other much. We broke up in January (mutual bu) but kept in touch through IM at work, texts and (ugh) drunk texts. I know the door was open to reconcile. I chose not to walk through it. A month ago I found out she has a new bf. I'll be honest, it hurt. Her and I would never work out long term but I still had feelings for her. Instead of pining like a sad puppy dog I deleted every possible thing of her (pictures, texts, phone #, Facebook) I could. Not giving her the ego boost or satisfaction of knowing I care. Although it still pains me I moved on with NC. You should too. Anyone who says they can't go NC is making excuses. My daughters mom and I broke up and I still managed to go NC. I dropped her off with s mutual friend and unless there was an emergency we agreed it to contact each directly. Bottom line: move on, she has. Start healing and acceptance and good luck. 1
pidgeon1010 Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 Those texts are more transparent than you think. Most people would see right through it. It has the "I am not over you and I am pretending" written all over it because if you were over her, you would have no desire or time to send her that long a** text acknowledging her new relationship and hoping for the same and letting her know your feelings for her (you think she does not know?). Please don't send.
Author Rainmkr555 Posted July 26, 2015 Author Posted July 26, 2015 OK guys. I will not send that long text to her. However I WILL still acknowledge her birthday on Tuesday. But all I will say is "happy birthday. Enjoy your special day" And that's it. Tomorrow I know for fact that I do have to text her in the morning about a work issue. But I will only say hi and then state my question involving work. With no smiley faces or anything. Do you think she knows I was upset this weekend? As I stated in my opening post, I did not reply at all to the final text that she sent telling me about her birthday plans with this man this weekend. For me not to respond to her telling me to have a nice weekend is very odd for me (since I am always replying to her texts obsessively) and I have no doubt that she probably felt it was strange that I did not reply with even "enjoy your weekend" or "talk later" or whatever. So I will follow everyone's advice here..... I won't send either of those text messages I showed you guys. But like I said, there's no way that I can just completely ignore her birthday. I'll just say happy birthday and be done with it. It really doesn't matter anyway. She probably could care less either way. Whether I sent that long text or just a short happy birthday.... But I guess I will keep some some dignity by not sending it. Right? Although I do think she would be pretty shocked if I did not even say happy birthday to her on Tuesday.
Learningtowalkagain Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 Honestly, I'd skip the birthday text and move the hell on. You're still looking for ways to stay in contact with her on an emotional level. Who cares if she knows you were upset this weekend? She has a new b/f. Unless she's giving you clear signs she wants to reconcile (you obviously do) then you need to start the moving on process. Get her out of your life, starting with NOT sending her a happy birthday text. You already text'd her enough about her birthday before the weekend started. She knows you're aware it's her birthday. Go NC starting now otherwise you're prolonging the torture and bringing this pain on yourself. 1
aloneinaz Posted July 26, 2015 Posted July 26, 2015 OK guys. I will not send that long text to her. However I WILL still acknowledge her birthday on Tuesday. But all I will say is "happy birthday. Enjoy your special day" And that's it. Tomorrow I know for fact that I do have to text her in the morning about a work issue. But I will only say hi and then state my question involving work. With no smiley faces or anything. Do you think she knows I was upset this weekend? As I stated in my opening post, I did not reply at all to the final text that she sent telling me about her birthday plans with this man this weekend. For me not to respond to her telling me to have a nice weekend is very odd for me (since I am always replying to her texts obsessively) and I have no doubt that she probably felt it was strange that I did not reply with even "enjoy your weekend" or "talk later" or whatever. So I will follow everyone's advice here..... I won't send either of those text messages I showed you guys. But like I said, there's no way that I can just completely ignore her birthday. I'll just say happy birthday and be done with it. It really doesn't matter anyway. She probably could care less either way. Whether I sent that long text or just a short happy birthday.... But I guess I will keep some some dignity by not sending it. Right? Although I do think she would be pretty shocked if I did not even say happy birthday to her on Tuesday. You're going to do what you're going to do but.. don't state that you will listen to everyone's advice as they've all said there's no reason to acknowledge her B-day. Recovering your dignity would include ignoring her birthday. Again, she's NOT your GF, friend, buddy or pal.. She's your ex who's off enjoying her new life w/her new BF while you're looking like the desperate, clingy, needy, I can't get you off my mind ex.. It's your choice my friend. You can put on your big boys pants or you can keep being her door mat, ego enhancer.. I'd vote for putting on the pants, myself..
ravfour4 Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 Hey there, I've stayed in contact with my ex through a disastrous break-up and understand your mentality. You're thinking if you can continue to stay in contact and show her you're not bothered that she'll eventually come around and want you back. She continues to text you in a somewhat flirty manner, which keeps you thinking that way. Most ex's that break-up and move on to someone else don't continually text their ex-bfs at night so what she's doing is odd and misleading for you. Here's what I think she's thinking: "Wow this is awesome, I have a new bf who's pretty great and my ex totally understands and still wants to be friends. This worked out perfect!" You're about to get friend-zoned for good, by not being mad that she has a new bf and saying you're happy for her, she'll think you're totally fine with it and she'll start seeing you as a supportive friend. If you MUST contact her, you should say that staying in touch with her while she has a new bf has proven too difficult because you still want to make things work. Then go NC. That will help you heal AND increase the chance that she'll want you back. If you feel the need to keep contacting her, take some excitement out of your messages and text her like you would a new woman you just met - calm, collected and witty. 1
Author Rainmkr555 Posted July 27, 2015 Author Posted July 27, 2015 (edited) Just sent her a text... I just said Hi only and then one sentence about a work issue. No smileys, no questions, nothing. She replied: "Hi. Ok thanks" I seriously don't know how I can do this. Be FORCED to interact with her while she hurts me so much. Just her sending that one text has infuriated me. Picturing that everything is just wonderful in HER world. I'm sure she had an AMAZING time with this man this past weekend. Banging his brains out, getting gifts from him for her birthday. I'm sure he took her to some incredibly fun places for dinner and entertainment. He can do ZERO wrong I am sure. Meanwhile, I am sitting here feeling angry and miserable over ALL of this. And I know she doesn't give ONE #HIT about my pain that SHE is the cause of. Life is fantastic. Edited July 27, 2015 by Rainmkr555
Seralynette Posted July 27, 2015 Posted July 27, 2015 As a young woman who was in your object of affections' position ... I'm sorry to say, but from what you have been telling us about her, I'm almost 100% sure that she has let go and moved on with her life. There could be various reasons why she is still nice to you: She is a natural people pleaser and the notion that you would hate her is ghastly to even risk!She feels guilty because you two have been tossing back and forth the flirtations for SUCH a long time. The least she could do was compensate you with a very, very gentle let down, right? (Hint: No, actually. Very wrong of anyone to think that despite the good intention.)She wants to keep the door open "just in case" things with her new beau fall apart. A safety net, so to speak. As for the birthday greeting dilemma... Just a simple, "Hey! Have a great day, birthday girl." should suffice, although if I were you, I'd back off and entirely not do anything because if I were you, my thoughts for myself would be: Yes. I'm hurting. I'm MOURNING still for the loss of what-could-have-been for our romance. Sue me.I need space right now and if I need to, I will sob about it. But I'd appreciate it if I can do it under a rock or where I have complete space. I'm not going to pretend I'm OK if I'm not. Denial won't do anyone good.I will dedicate a slice of my day to meditation and remind myself that I am worthy to be loved. If I chose you but your decision is not mutual, that's OK. Having the capacity to love alone is something to be proud of. And having the bravery to acknowledge that it won't be reciprocated, and moving on with life? That's some admirable trait few can have. But I will hone it. I am worthy.Let me try to recall my previous relationships and all the heartbreaks they gave me... hmm, they don't seem so bad anymore... Time heals all wounds, even if right now I really am hurting a lot on the inside. I have to believe in myself.You are happy. Good for you. Honest. I need to take a break and getaway for a while on the other hand. Take a breather. If you truly care for me still, you will understand, and when I come back with my heart reset, maybe then we can be professional and friendly again without the underlying awkwardness.I am not craving your pity. I do NOT need you to spare me mercy and kindness which only bludgeon my healing process and slow it down like a turtle with three legs broken. So really, the best advice thus far in my opinion is still that: Stay away for now as much as you can. You need to meet new people, or get a pet, or sign up for volunteer work like helping out in the orphanage, or take up a language or culinary lesson. WHATEVER to distract you from being miserable when you're alone. When you're lonely and full of time on your hands, your mind is left to wander - and usually it begins with a nice wistful thought before dark reality sets in. Or at least in your case right now anyway.
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