smile95 Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Many of you know my story, but just in case...here it is in a nutshell.. been dating a guy 3 yrs....he is sep and close to div....has a son and we are long dist.......we we love each other very much but one prob is he is not making me happy anymore. All i ask is one call a day (i have seen him maybe 3 times in the last yr) and he cannot even give me that. It hurts. I get confused because when we do talk he confirms that he loves me and then I stay. He is so busy with work lately and I never fit in his life....here is the question.......if i love him do i let go since i know I am not happy? I am so in love with him and he is too, but our timing is off. We are both 30 and I feel like I am wasting time here. When I decide to leave, he convinces me to stay. When I stay, I am always doing the work. I cannot stop crying. I almost feel I am addcited to him. what do i do if i love him? DO I accept being left out of his day and basically accept nothing in return?
Nicholas Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 DO I accept being left out of his day and basically accept nothing in return? Yes, it seems like you do. The real question is, do you want to? It seems like you're afraid of something. Which is scarier: the idea of losing this guy, or the idea of being treated this way? Make a choice, and say it out loud. You either say: The idea of losing this guy is scarier than the idea of being treated this way. (or) The idea of being treated this way is scarier than the idea of losting this guy. After that, repeat your decision whenever you're unsure of it.
laRubiaBonita Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 DO NOT ACCEPT LESS THAN YOU WANT!!!!!!!!! seriously! one freaking phone call a day....it is not donating a limb!!! heck, it is easier than a letter! if he is not willing to do one small gesture for you now, imagine what it will be later......and do you want to be disappointed with less than you deserve or even expected all the time? I wouldn't.
Author smile95 Posted May 1, 2005 Author Posted May 1, 2005 what if the idea of being alone is scarier than losing this guy?
beesknees Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 same boat here. the ex couldn't even muster up 1 call a week! only a few emails a day. i didn't know if that was right. since he & i were always in front of our computers, email seemed acceptable in this day and age, but i wouldn't have minded a call now and then, and i let him know. it didn't happen. so, i guess it's up to you what you're going to accept is right for you. i think a phone call a day isn't too much to ask. everyone has a cell phone w/ speed dial these days.
HoldOn Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 what if the idea of being alone is scarier than losing this guy? You are already alone, you just don't realize it. (i have seen him maybe 3 times in the last yr) This is not a relationship. This is nothing. You are alone. The least you can do is make it official so you can get over him be happy. then someday you'll find a real love and be together. p.s. I don't need a phone call every day from my man, but that's because I see him 3 weekends out of the month. It's not the lack of phone calls in this case, it is the lack of any relationship at all.
Author smile95 Posted May 1, 2005 Author Posted May 1, 2005 I realize I have a lot of time on my hands and he does not.....I ten to overanalyze things by saying "if he does not call, he does not love me." I know he loves me, but like someone mentioned. Is this enough. He is divorced for a reason and many things I have noticed are things that he said "she" used to complain about.
Author smile95 Posted May 1, 2005 Author Posted May 1, 2005 I am holding onto scraps here. If I hated him it would be easier! I realize I am alone now....yes. I am. But for some reason, I cannot imagine not loving him and him not loving me. I guess this IS one of those cases where I have to let go despite my love for him in order to be truly happy. Beliving I will find love again is hard
slubberdegullion Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Originally posted by laRubiaBonita DO NOT ACCEPT LESS THAN YOU WANT!!!!!!!!! seriously! one freaking phone call a day....it is not donating a limb!!! heck, it is easier than a letter! if he is not willing to do one small gesture for you now, imagine what it will be later......and do you want to be disappointed with less than you deserve or even expected all the time? I wouldn't. Oh pull-eeeeeze...! First of all, everyone on the planet ends up with less than what they want. If you're getting everything you want from your one relationship, then you're the first. Secondly, "one small gesture" to her may be a bigger gesture to him. Is there any point, really, in calling just to exchange itineraries? Besides, what one person would or would not tolerate has little bearing on someone else's relationship. Lastly, what's this about "deserving" stuff? How about earning it instead? If you want him to call everyday, a carrot will work far better than a stick. When he calls, do you complain to him or tell him you miss him? Do you whine about finances or do you purr sensuousy over the phone? <dons asbestos suit>
laRubiaBonita Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Originally posted by slubberdegullion First of all, everyone on the planet ends up with less than what they want. If you're getting everything you want from your one relationship, then you're the first. Secondly, "one small gesture" to her may be a bigger gesture to him. Is there any point, really, in calling just to exchange itineraries? Besides, what one person would or would not tolerate has little bearing on someone else's relationship. Lastly, what's this about "deserving" stuff? How about earning it instead? If you want him to call everyday, a carrot will work far better than a stick. When he calls, do you complain to him or tell him you miss him? Do you whine about finances or do you purr sensuousy over the phone? <dons asbestos suit> 1). i am not saying everyone will find that "perfect" relationship. but it is certainly easier when you do not have a leeche sucking the happiness from your life. 2). who cares if it just a phone call "just to exchange iteneraries", if you love and care about someone, it is nice to talk with them reguardless of why or what. 3). lastly~ the "deserving" stuff i was speaking of, was what she, as an individual, deserves..... Not what that BF of her's is obligated, or should give her. It is what she should want for herself....it is what evert person should want for themselves.
Jtizzle Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Beth i understand where you are coming from with this....its hard only seein somebody your in love with a few times a year and in long distance relationships its important and the number one rule to have communication for the relationship to somewhat be of a real one. my ex called everyday when we started dating then those daily phone calls turned into once a week, and then once a month, and then once every other month, and then once every three months. i understood the fact that he was busy, but when i wanted to leave because i was unhappy, he would do/say something to make me stay, as does your bf.. i cried because i didnt want to be alone, much less without this man..but then i thought to myself im a good woman, and i can find a better man that will not only say he love me but SHOW me as well...be it a four letter, letter of HEY I love you, or a 30 second phonecall to check on me or something...thats the least that i would accept. it would show me that in his busy day he can take a minute or so to see how i am doing. life is too short to waste your happiness on one person, when there is 6billion people in the world who could make you smile and be happier. you dont have to accept less if you put out more...i wouldnt say leave him just like that..i would say you two have a serious talk and you ask him why he doesnt make time to call you,etc...and then you tell him what you would like from him, and if he cant man up and meet those needs, then leave him. a relationship shouldnt be based on who does all the work to keep it together, it should be how YOU BOTH contribute to keep it together...
Nicholas Posted May 2, 2005 Posted May 2, 2005 Originally posted by beth5201 what if the idea of being alone is scarier than losing this guy? Then say and own : The idea of being treated this way is scarier than the idea of losting this guy.
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