Groovy Posted May 7, 2005 Posted May 7, 2005 Most of the time men do not change. But a few men have given up behaviors for me. A man years ago quit drinking because I came from an alcoholic family and I was always afraid of ending up with an alcoholic. He started to go to church with me. I think he wanted to change and I happened to be there at the right time. He wanted to get more focus in his life and I was inspiration based ont he fact we were in love. The guy I am dating now is a similar story. It's too new to know that his changes are true and permanent. Last I knew the ex was still not drinking and going to church still. I know when I used drugs it changed me drastically. Anyone who quits drugs or develops a problem will change a great deal for better or worse dependent on whether they are using or quitting. And I agree it takes a major event to change. Change is not easy and some are more willing than others. However I think if a man is in love and he wants to spend his life with her he will be willing to make changes more readily. Some of us are simply more flexible than others to change and for some people change feels like a loss of identidy. Being with the right partner is about bringing positive change to your life and being inspired to be a better person through changes that are experienced positively. If you are not with the right partner these changes will feel unacceptable to one of the partners.
JanieQP Posted May 7, 2005 Posted May 7, 2005 Originally posted by CurlyIam c. an event can permenantely change a man's behaviour d. yes, men can change their behaviour. Hi Curly, Good topic. I'd say c and d, but it isn't easy, and he has to want it for himself. My xh, for example. Let himself get walked on by everyone, I was the only one he trod on. We fought a lot - he'd thought his family and friends were the ultimate. I pointed out how badly they treated him. He started to wake up. I gave him holy terror for using me to defend himself against them. I bullied him into trying to clarify things with him. We went round and round. Bad scene. I left, and - once he was bearing his situation himself, with no dog to kick, and now seeing that his faaaabulous faaaaaaamily and friends were really not on his side, he started to change. He's had a lot of painful wake-up calls, small and large. He treats people (service people, women) a lot better now than he used to do. Too late for me, but I was blocking his growth anyway. If that answers your question.
Author CurlyIam Posted May 7, 2005 Author Posted May 7, 2005 Great answer, JanieQP. Glad you've joined the happy crowd!
blind_otter Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 A man can be a challaenege without being a doofus, curly. He can have money, a car, travel a lot, have a good job, be kind and courteous, and still be emotionally unavailable -- and this emotional unavailability is what is attractive to many women. If I wasn't right, there wouldn't be SO MANY women posting on this board about men who act as if they simply are uninterested in the female that they so enjoy boinking.
alphamale Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter -- and this emotional unavailability is what is attractive to many women. If I wasn't right, there wouldn't be SO MANY women posting on this board about men who act as if they simply are uninterested in the female that they so enjoy boinking. I agree B_0. but I would modify it to say that men who are emotionally available enough to keep the woman interested but not totally or 100% emotionally available.
Author CurlyIam Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 I see your point, BO. I also believ you're right, and this emotional unavailability can be and is attractive, I agree. What I don't know are the variables that can influence this let's call it "trait of character". Some men have it naturally, others have been hurt and feel like making up for whatever it is they've been through. Other are simply following their instinct and not settling down. What makes the difference - what makes them go out of this otherwise cosy spot, where they get women and aren't forced to commit ?!?
blind_otter Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Biology. The reproductive imperitive. Women by nature are caretakers and committed because they are the ones who have to carry children for 9 months and form a bond with their offspring in order for the offspring to survive. Men, on the other hand, have no motivation to bond with their offspring, other than the fact that men who bond tend to have a higher incidence of offspring who survive. My theory is that there are different types of men. The seed spreaders and the caretakers. The seed spreaders play a numbers game, lacking the motivation to committ, spreading their seed to as many women as possible, increasing the likelihood of their offspring surviving soemthing like disease, or famine, because they have many offspring with different mothers, each garnering a genetic advantage in a different way. The caretakers have a different approach, and invest time and energy into offspring with one or a small number of females, which takes away teh advantage of genetic variability, but by increasing time and energy investment, hopefully pays off with what few offspring they have surviving. Does that make sense?
Author CurlyIam Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 Yeah, I guess so. But there one thing that I don't get. Males usually stay near the female and cubs to protect them until the bub is old enough not to be killed, and thus his egentic heritage is safe... Did I get it wrong? I thnink that the "emotional unavailabilty" is just an excuse to play he field for a while. And then, just like at women there's a bilogical time that clicks and they shall settle down with the fisrt woman that crosses their road. I've seen it with some friends of mine... really weird, too. I'm wondering if everything isn't in timing.... and the heck with the others influences...
blind_otter Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 I've always thought it was about timing. Different species do different things I mean, in some species the only thing the male does is fertilize the female. So. There ya go.
Author CurlyIam Posted May 9, 2005 Author Posted May 9, 2005 I must be watching too much Animal Planet, BO! Couldn't help thinking about the lions that kill the cubs that aren't their to make the female get in the root so that she can bear their baby !
alphamale Posted May 9, 2005 Posted May 9, 2005 Originally posted by blind_otter My theory is that there are different types of men. The seed spreaders and the caretakers. The seed spreaders play a numbers game, lacking the motivation to committ, spreading their seed to as many women as possible
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