Author scooby-philly Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 @empressario True - I don't want to settle. It suck because the sex was hot and she could be very affectionate when she wanted to be, but it was really all a show. She went quickly back to selfishness and again - would back down when confronted over the **** she did.
empresario Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 @empressario True - I don't want to settle. It suck because the sex was hot and she could be very affectionate when she wanted to be, but it was really all a show. She went quickly back to selfishness and again - would back down when confronted over the **** she did. One last thing. I tell a lot of guys on here to do this when I sense they may be 'nice guys'. Read the book 'No More Mr. Nice Guy' by Robert Glover. Ignore the stupid name. This book changed my life some years back. I sense some of the same issues with you that I had. The whole book focuses on how to actually get what you want in love and in life, instead of relying on 'being a nice guy' and demanding karma hit you back for it.
beach Posted July 15, 2015 Posted July 15, 2015 Hey, I need some outside perspectives. I know it may sound one-sided so I'll try and present both sides. My GF and I just returned from a huge trip abroad. 7k worth of flights, hotels, expenses, etc. I took her home to the country she's from. We hopped around a few cities, met up with hs, college, work friends and of course her family. This was my first time meeting all these people. We've been dating for a year and things have been crazy from the start. She was totally possessive and wacky early on (see my other posts). I never used FB messenger before but two weeks in she was getting mad that i wasn't answering her during the day - yet she's the type of person that does what they want when they want to. On this trip we took a return 12 hour layover in Paris. She has a cousin there who was able to pick us up from the airport and tour us around. It so happened to be my birthday. The whole trip I said was for her. I don't mind spending the money. I don't mind spending the time. But, she didn't bother to ask if I wanted to do something in Paris on the way home before we left. Basically - I cater to what she wants. I've only asked her 3 times to do something I wanted in our dating - once she said no (hiking) once she went and complained it was too expensive (dinner at a blues place then dancing) and once she said no as well. So I stopped asking her to do what I want. So we did just the normal tourist crap in paris - nice enough. I even bought her earrings for our anniversary at one of our other stops - and you know what she got me for my birthday - the first one that's passed since we've been together - nothing - not even a card. No she'll claim that I said no to her bying me a gift in Paris - but that's not exactly a gift. She didn't even bother to sleep next to me when we got home (i'm over her place a lot). And now she thinks I don't have a right to be upset and that I'm being selfish? Did I miss something? I know it's hard to judge since you don't see our day in and day out lives, but from the basic gist - I take you half way around the world (she's poor and hasn't had a job since the beginning of march) (she's 40k in debt from just getting an associate's degree) I don't ask her to cook, to clean, I helped her move after knowing her only a few weeks, I've taken her other places, and now I'm selfish and insincere for being upset that I got nothing on my birthday - not a card, nothing? Anyway - I'll try and write more as people respond - right now I'm too angry and too upset I'm wondering why you think you need to forgo all of your needs being met? She is selfish and self centered. Why would you waste one more second on anyone so selfish - much less date them? 1
Author scooby-philly Posted July 15, 2015 Author Posted July 15, 2015 @empresario Thanks - I'll check out the book. @beach That's exactly what I'm coming to terms with. I guess I wasn't ready to admit I'm not happy and she doesn't offer what I'm looking for/need/want. Empresario is right - I'm too much of a nice guy, worried what other people will think if I'm not the one bending over backwards, etc.
Author scooby-philly Posted July 19, 2015 Author Posted July 19, 2015 Well, I almost lost my "man card" - though I don't talk or think like that. I tried to be nice and keep us as friends. Perhaps part of me wanted to see if she could change and if things could work out between us. But, as I suspected all along - we don't have the same priorities, the same language, or the same expectations. I'm not a martyr. I do things with the same motivations as others. But I'm not here to justify anything or to apologize for anything. I think for me, I just saw this article in my FB feed. She was the one early on who verbally worried about falling into a rut and taking us for granted, yet she was the one who actually did it, despite my best efforts to avoid it. http://verilymag.com/2015/07/relationship-advice-keeping-marriage-strong-appreciating-your-spouse She didn't want to engage in small talk and when we fought she spewed crap about me only being "polite" and do things for "show" so I appear "nice" to people. I'm an even firmer believer now that love sustains itself through actions and words, and that good relationships are about wanting the other around to talk about our days, to share our lives with.
Author scooby-philly Posted July 20, 2015 Author Posted July 20, 2015 @fleur @empresario Here's all the proof I need to finally say I can walk away - here's part of her response to me noting (because I said we can't be friends and I can't see her given all she did and lost 11k of my money, "You think he {her ex} wasn't paying for things for me when I didn't have my green card? I never ever heard of him complaining about spending money on me. Seriously I never heard of someone ever making a big deal about taking care of me. You're the first and absolutely will be the last one to let things go this way. " Wow. and Lol
Author scooby-philly Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 Wow - can't believe this chain of mine has gotten over 1100 views. Thanks to all for the perspective and input. We've parted on friendly terms, after I decided to let go of my anger and disappointment and realized that we weren't just made for each other. Everyone brings baggage into a relationship. Especially after the age of 30 everyone has already had a tremendous amount of life behind them - and hopefully a tremendous amount of life ahead of them! But, there's needs to be communication, equality (or balance), and a shared view and understanding of what life together should be like. I know I need to learn to get frustrated less easily and also communicate my wants, needs, feelings, and expectations more clearly and earlier on in a relationship. I also need to not feel selfish for taking time to do what brings me joy, energy, and alive. That said, I also deserve to be happy and to be with someone who respects what I bring to the table, what I do for them, and while they're not perfect either, works together to build a life
salparadise Posted July 22, 2015 Posted July 22, 2015 "You think he {her ex} wasn't paying for things for me when I didn't have my green card? I never ever heard of him complaining about spending money on me. Seriously I never heard of someone ever making a big deal about taking care of me. You're the first and absolutely will be the last one to let things go this way. " Heh, this is about as entitled as they come. Prolly ought to flesh this out in the first few questions of the initial interview. No amount of hot justifies this. needs to be communication, equality (or balance), and a shared view and understanding I think the word you're looking for is reciprocal. I know I need to learn to get frustrated less easily and also communicate my wants, needs, feelings, and expectations more clearly and earlier on in a relationship. I also need to not feel selfish for taking time to do what brings me joy, energy, and alive. That said, I also deserve to be happy and to be with someone who respects what I bring to the table, what I do for them... I think you've got some work to do my friend. It's one thing to be able to say these words, but quite another to integrate them such that you'll no longer be a pleaser who allows this kind of woman to wipe her feet on you. This one was an extreme example, but you'll certainly run into other's who are more clever and nuanced in the presentation. And the trick for you is not so much in learning to spot'em as learning how not to want them. One's predilections aren't easy to change. Have you considered therapy?
Author scooby-philly Posted July 22, 2015 Author Posted July 22, 2015 @salparadise, Lol. I have down therapy before. I've gotten better. And while I got hosed on way, this was better than therapy as I learned the hard way. yes - reciprocal was the word I could use to sum up that sentence. And yes, I appreciate feedback. And predilection is a word usually associated with one's tastes - i.e. food, types of sex, etc, not one's inabilities to stand up for oneself
salparadise Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 And predilection is a word usually associated with one's tastes - i.e. food, types of sex, etc, not one's inabilities to stand up for oneself I was referring to your taste in women. Why don't you give the caring, nurturing type a go and see how it feels?
wb1988 Posted July 23, 2015 Posted July 23, 2015 "You think he {her ex} wasn't paying for things for me when I didn't have my green card? I never ever heard of him complaining about spending money on me. Seriously I never heard of someone ever making a big deal about taking care of me. You're the first and absolutely will be the last one to let things go this way. " Wow. and Lol I once had a similar situation years ago (coincidentally it also did involve Paris!) but it's a different type of girl. The real lesson is that buying a girl things, taking her to trips and etc is not the way to make a girl like you. Also if you do it then you shouldn't expect anything in return (your girl was correct about that part), but at the same time a real girl will always reciprocate the efforts but this is just a bonus. I hope that you at least destroyed her pussy the whole time, but it sounds like you probably didn't . 1
Author scooby-philly Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 I was referring to your taste in women. Why don't you give the caring, nurturing type a go and see how it feels? Oh - well therapy in that case consists of just being ore aware in the beginning - first 5-6 dates of what a women is like. My ex-fiance wes good at pretending like she cared about people, but she wasn't really warm. And this one, yes well was just too different. I've learned it takes time to get to know someone, so that's why I'm committed to spending the time necessary to just buliding my life and meeting new people. 1
Author scooby-philly Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 I once had a similar situation years ago (coincidentally it also did involve Paris!) but it's a different type of girl. The real lesson is that buying a girl things, taking her to trips and etc is not the way to make a girl like you. Also if you do it then you shouldn't expect anything in return (your girl was correct about that part), but at the same time a real girl will always reciprocate the efforts but this is just a bonus. I hope that you at least destroyed her pussy the whole time, but it sounds like you probably didn't . Funny...going to like this after I finish responding. I didn't buy her things to make her like me.... I do things for others because I care. I know a lot of guys would claim that, but trust me, I don't expect anything in return. but there's a difference between not expecting anything in return and having equality in the giving. I mean it's not always 50/50 - each day, week, month one person may need more. and it's not 50/50 across each category - it's about teamwork. But when you get nothing in return - i mean in the sense of no communication, no commitment, no partnership - that's the driving wedge And yes, I did destroy her pussy. We had an awesome encounter the first day we met, and that led to us trying to do the relationship - but I'll admit it was too rushed in the beginning because I let her drive it and wasn't man enough to stick up to my feelings. And I'm not one for talking rudely - but she and I continued to have great sex - she endulged in all my fetishes/fantasies and suffice to say we made each other finish all the time.
Author scooby-philly Posted July 24, 2015 Author Posted July 24, 2015 just break up with her, doesn't sound worth it I did break up with her. Your comment - though simple - bests describes the entire situation from day one - it isn't worth it.
Author scooby-philly Posted July 30, 2015 Author Posted July 30, 2015 So... a month since we came back from the trip. A month of me realizing I need and want someone who can take care of themselves. Everyone has a past. Everyone as baggage. But if you can't lift your own stuff most of the time, then that's not a good basis for a relationship. It's funny - I went from someone who was all about appearances and despite her claims, was very conservative and self-reserved to someone who was outgoing and definitely not conservative. Is there a balance somewhere in between? As I said before I have to get better at picking up the early signs that things won't work out and stick to my guns early on. Not that I'm expecting the next thing to work out, but it means spending 2 date, 2 weeks, or 2 months on something instead of a year.
Author scooby-philly Posted July 31, 2015 Author Posted July 31, 2015 So my work has "summer hours" on Friday - most people were out by 1 or 2pm. I'm sitting here. I know. I imagine people going out with friends and having a good time. They may be going home to sleep. To watch their kids. to relax with a book, a glass of wine, or a bath. And I'm heading down to see a friend about 2-3 hours away for the weekend. Why do I feel alone? I know getting over a relationship isn't easy. I've done it in the past. But when i know it's not meant to be, when we're too different from each other and there's been too much give and not enough take, why do I feel bad for standing up for myself. Why do I feel like I have been the ass? Sure, did I get angry. Yes. Did I say things I regret - yep. But I gave it my best and I never assumed anything. I literally gave her everything I had and she gladly took it. As I said already, I have to learn to be slower in the beginning, to see the compatibility long term. I know a lot is cultural - expectations on what bf's/gf's do - but those can't be relied on too heavily. I mean not everyone in our culture has the same view of relationships or expectations. Came across a book on amazon - i think someone mentioned it in another thread - The New Science of Adult Attachment......just reading the reviews and the short description it seemed to make sense. I'm not saying this in anger or resentment - my parents weren't emotionally available to me as a kid. Everything was treated as a secret and everything was all about keeping the normal face. I know I'm need to a certain extent - I mean I have hobbies and interests, but in a relationship I seem to attract or am attracted to women who are "avoidant" - they can pretend to be caring but only so much and only for so long. They seem to be selfish in some sense, but in others they're also just as needy as me - they need their independence and anything working together can be seen as resentment eventually. I mean, I didn't always follow this one snowboarding or sufring. She didn't come to my professional development group - but I tried to spend time with her and me going with her didn't mean anything to her. And when we fought, I was "controlling" according to her? Ok - well sorry momy and daddy didn't discipline you or hold you accountable and you went to boarding school so you think you know responsibility but you don't - and now you think everyone else is ****ed up, but most people wouldn't try skiing over and over again when they're clearly not um...able to balance very well. Anyway - not prolonging anything, just trying to move forward and understand
Author scooby-philly Posted August 3, 2015 Author Posted August 3, 2015 It's amazing. 5 weeks since we came back and there's nothing left - she's still just doing what she wants and I'm happy. Had a good talk with a friend and with my grandmother who met her several times. I feel better now. it will still take some time to heal the pain and also get back to where I was before I met her - both financially but more importantly from a health and a happiness perspective. She can claim this or that but when it comes down to it, she just takes and even her family has given up on her and can only say "we just pray for her" I've learned an important lesson about a lot of things, most importantly about me needing to stick to what makes me happy and to do what I need to do to be successful, content, and to realize that I need to look at what is, not what I think is there or what might be there down the road.
Author scooby-philly Posted August 10, 2015 Author Posted August 10, 2015 Well, it's been 6 weeks since we came back and I also haven't heard from her in a week at all. I sent her a note this weekend - straightforward & to the point - I think i left some stuff at her place and I wanted to inquire about it. Suffice to say no response back. This only goes to prove the point that she is completely selfish and immature. I'm glad I am out of this. i know worrying about what other people would say or do is a healthy sign - it means I care about others and I'm not wholly egotistical. But in this relationship I certainly tried my best. I think i may start another thread about connecting with more wholesome women - at least how to be more aware in the early stages of dating whether someone is really into you or just wants a safety net, a catch or is just so ****ed up that they'll take any great guy, even if they're not compatible with him. I guess I needed a read hard learning opportunity to really just focus on myself and do what the hell makes me happy and that I will find someone eventually who fills in all the gaps nicely and who loves me as much as I love them. And, to take this time to work on myself so I'm a better person for the one as well.
Author scooby-philly Posted October 22, 2015 Author Posted October 22, 2015 So it's been 2 months of no contact. Last time I saw her was on 8/19 at an event for a group we both belong to. We've been done for over 3 months now. I don't miss her. I am lonely to a certain extant. I've come to realize more and more than I fall too far too fast - not enough self respect and not enough of a sense of self worth to stay away from women who 1. Don't love me as much as I love them 2. Are Crazy beyond the normal level . Way beyond the normal level. I like to have fun - and I'm certainly sexually active. But I'm also responsible and very mature and want something real. I have for a long time. I just need to stay at dating and I need to stay at being myself and doing what makes me happy and healthy. that said, I am proud that after two months I don't think about her much, I don't miss her, I can't even imagine having sex with her or even talking to her. It's a shame on one level - there was so much potential there. But selfishness never changes and the signs were there early on. Thanks to all on this thread who responded. I've moved on and I just hope she finds happiness and doesn't end up in a ditch somewhere. Her kids were nice too but not enough to stick around after a year of pure and utter bull****. I hope they grow up happy and healthy. Take care xxxxxx - I wish you the best.
Author scooby-philly Posted December 15, 2015 Author Posted December 15, 2015 So, 5 months since we broke up and I ended all contact, a few days short of 4 months of not seeing - we knew we were both going to the same activity and she stayed away that day. I do not miss her. I do not miss arguing everyday over "the little stuff" - because i want communication, accountability, growth, etc. together. I do no think of her much. She's gone to the abyss with the other people from my past. I can choose to live each day and do what I want, when I want it. I was raised in a situation that made me selfless, instead of selfish. I can find the happy medium. Reality is good. Reality and not fantasy. John-john land has closed down and needs to stay closed. Till then people. You have the power and the ability to make the world accept you. But it takes courage and determination. 1
Buddhist Posted December 15, 2015 Posted December 15, 2015 We've been dating for a year and things have been crazy from the start. She was totally possessive and wacky early on (see my other posts). Okay I gave up reading right after this sentence. If you date crazy then why are you expecting sanity? End of story... And I just saw you did the sensible thing. Good on you.
Author scooby-philly Posted December 17, 2015 Author Posted December 17, 2015 Yes, @buddhist Yes, I was stupid for hanging around. It cost me a year of my time. It cost me a good chunk of change. And it cost me a good amount of self respect and pain. But, I needed to learn the lesson that I am lovable, I am basically good, that I deserve to be with someone who loved me, and I deserve to follow my heart, live my life, and be happy. And good things and good people will come my way. 1
Author scooby-philly Posted December 21, 2015 Author Posted December 21, 2015 Sorry to keep this post dragging on - but I wanted to write something as I had an insight while replying to another thread and offering some advice right now. We would have been a great FWB situation. I love sex. I'm not afraid to admit it - I'm a very physical guy and I love sex and am a dirty, naughty boy. Ok - that aside, again we would have been fine as a FWB situation - the sex and the cuddling was amazing, but we both wanted different things I realize now that I judge myself too harshly and get upset and angry because I fear being judged by people - so I feel guilty when I'm just being myself and also just leading my life and not being the "helper" or "fixer". I should have made it clear early on that this was a problem for me and drawn a line in the sand where I didn't help her all the time and waited to see what her personality was like before buying things, helping out, etc. It would have been clear after a while that she's all talk and no game when it comes to school and a "career" and that she wants to appear "normal" but actually doesn't like all the things that go into a "relationship" or enjoy small talk and has never had any responsibility for anything nor taken it for her mistakes (3 marriages, 3 kids - she raises none of them). We could have continued to have had great sex and a good time while I dated other women, but i couldn't let my heart tell me what I needed to know which was we weren't meant for each other and that I want a relationship with someone who's as dirty as nasty as me - but also wants and can do the little things and has the same dreams Again, sorry for the lewdness but it helps explain the situation.
karokarol Posted December 21, 2015 Posted December 21, 2015 Scooby, OP of the other post you are referring to here. I read your thread and your last post, and wanted to pop by say something. Clearly, you are a very good and decent person, but I think your ways to show it are not functioning too well for you. First, it sounds like for you being 'good and decent' cannot be compatible with being 'sexual' and wanting to enjoy the more down to earth aspects of life. I understand where this is coming from, but learned not to buy it. Being sensual is not an impairment to spirituality, if you truly come to accept yourself as a natural being and come to terms with your human nature. I went through something like this. I can tell you, being honest is a journey, and a lot of work. But I feel much more satisfied with my life and my relationships with others since I decided to recognize myself. Second, your desire to be good to others has somewhat blindfolded you with respect to what was going on, and led you to accept a damaging situation. This woman was not able to reciprocate your affection, for whatever reason. Please do not let this happen again, but don't let this ruin your nature either. There's plenty of people out there that deserve the sort of open and generous (I am not talking about money!) companionship that you have to offer. Just be a little bit more careful in selecting your partners, and raise your demands. You deserve to be loved and respected, just like anybody else.
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