Am I doing the right thing?

[loveisallaround]

I've had loads of qualms with 'wrapping up' everything with my ex. I'm supposed to call him tomorrow so we can go out. I told him I needed closure and to ask for a few questions and I'm getting conflicted advice from everyone if this is indeed the right thing to do.

 

I have so much I want to vent, not questions per se, but I'd really just like to tell him how I feel. I know he genuinely cares about me, wants me as a friend and wants to embrace the compatiblity we have/had.

 

I, on the other hand, feel so jaded because he just whipped out the breakup card without even communicating or talking about it. I'm the one being punished because he took the easy way out and can't manage his time or be brave enough to communicate. I know we felt mutual for eachother, and this is hard for him too, but I'm the one who was proverbially slapped in the face. His loss, but my pain.

 

I realize why (in the grander scheme of things) why the relationship ended. It was basically mutual after he brought it up. I was feeling much the same way he was. Our lives were being too enveloped in the relationship (and we were losing our individualities) but I believe talking/communication could have prooved to be a good solution as well.

 

I want to stay on the NC wagon. I know thats what I should do. But I have so much pent up anger/confusion that I feel I need to tell him how he feels. I feel he threw away something that was and could have been spectacular.

 

I hope when we get ourselves back together, we can try something again - thats one of the reasons I want to talk to him, so we can remain on good rapport and not have any baggage between us. But everytime I see him or hear his voice I crumble and have to start climbing the recovery hill yet again.

 

Is NC the right way to go?

[BrotherAaron]

If telling him all of these things wont change anything, he probably doesn't need to know. Try writing him letters about it and not sending them. Going out with him will put you into a confusion tailspin, and you'll feel tempted to analyze every little thing he does, looking for evidence that he misses you and wants you back. He might value you as a friend, but you guys have a romantic relationship - not a friendly one. Don't try and force it. I don't think you will feel better for having gone out with him. It's nearly impossible to start moving on until you stop talking with your ex.

[Fallen_Angel]

Brother is absolutely right. When I talked to my ex last week, I did get to say a lot of the things I wanted to say, but the "good" feeling I temporarily obtained was...entirely too temporary. The rest of the week was awful.

 

I realized I was allowing myself to cling to hope a little too hard. But the reality is, I'm now 4 weeks removed and despite my desperate pleas to any Higher Power that will listen, he hasn't come back. I've been swearing up and down that once his finals are over and he actually has time to think about something besides classes (should be sometime in the next two weeks, I think), he'll start to come around - but what good does it do for me to keep making excuses?

 

I know NC is hard. It's draining. NC also doesn't make sense if you want to keep the lines of communication open for the possibility of a reunion. Unfortunately, that's all it is - a possibility. There are no guarantees. Staying friends with the ex, in all likelihood, allows the ex to maintain only certain components of your relationship - namely, the ones he wants! He can still have someone to vent to, to complain about his day to, to perhaps grab food or an occasional movie with...but that's all. He no longer has to keep up the responsibilities of a relationship. I know I don't want to fall into that trap, so I keep dwelling on this because I am the type of person who is a bit too eager to please.

 

You do need to release the pent up anger and confusion, but not to him. Write it all down. Talk to your friends. Listen to angry (be it loud guitars, bitter lyrics, whatever floats your boat) music at the highest possible volume. Do some physical activity - a sport, a run around the neighborhood, join a gym, etal.

 

You need NC just like I do, because we can't both allow ourselves to crumble so easily. The way I see it, the ex took control by dumping me. Why should I allow him to stay in control? I admit, I did call him Friday night, but I had to leave him a voice mail. It's now two days later, and I haven't heard a word - this from a guy who swore over and over that I should call him WHENEVER I WANT and he'd get right back to me.

 

Allow yourself to feel every emotion that comes along. It's important to the healing process. Right now I'm feeling angry - and I NEVER get angry!! - and it's kinda nice. Hang in there!!

[beesknees]

stick w/ the NC.

 

i'm exactly where you are. the ex pulled away, and without communicating at all.

 

i broke NC last week, and i'm kicking myself for it.

 

basically, deep inside, you already know how he feels about you and what you have to say to him is not going to improve things- it's just for you to vent. try writing down your feelings or doing something productive instead.

 

the more contact you have with him, the more it hurts you, and you don't need anymore hurt.

 

if it's meant to be, he'll come to you. let him do that.

 

other people told me that, and i didn't listen, and now i am kicking myself for it.

[loveisallaround]

Fallen_Angel, the more you tell me about your situation the more I see how similar of predicaments we're both in.

 

I'm on Day Two, it's incredibly challenging. I didn't really "talk talk" with him, but on Saturday I had to do the Happy Birthday Call to be polite. It was his voicemail, thank the Gods. But he didn't even return the call.

 

He should be expecting my call today and of course it won't be coming. I've got to stick by my guns.

 

To make matters about ten times worse, I think he met somebody new. Which would make everything he told me 100% undiluted garbage. I'm not entirely sure but if his nickname on MSN means anything (and isn't a joke of some sort) then he's definitely seeing somebody. In a different way it makes it easier to eliminate him from my life.

 

Oh dear God!

[loveisallaround]

And I just deleted him from my MSN - oh god, that felt kind of good.

[Fallen_Angel]

I know, love...you're my kindred spirit.

 

Still no phone call. I'm not making any excuses this time - I've run out of them! I'm glad you're sticking to your guns. Either sit on your hands, unplug the phone, or dial someone else's number! I myself am fond of dialing friends - I ask them to tell me ridiculously inane stories to distract myself.

 

Kudos for deleting him! I can't bring myself to do that...but now he's "never online" (I take this to assume either he blocked me or took me off his buddy list & blocked all "unknown" users) so I figure it doesn't matter.

 

I mailed his birthday card today. It sat on my desk all morning and sometimes I caught myself staring at it forlornly. His birthday is Wednesday - I'm guessing I might call him Thursday to make sure he got the card, but part of me doesn't want to since he hasn't returned my last call.

 

If he can move on that quickly, (which I doubt tremendously!) he's not worth it. Maybe he's just in denial & figures if he starts seeing someone, he can ignore the ramifications of ending your relationship. In that case I hope those feelings bite him on the @$$ real soon!!

[loveisallaround]

The deleting was on impulse because of his nickname. It just wasn't worth getting all that mad.

 

I think you should block your ex, not delete him yet, but if he's playing that game - why can't you? As for calling for the Birthday card - I wouldn't. I did the same B-Day thing (card and call) and although I got the VM on the call (and left a great, breezy message) I felt like utter crapola about thirty minutes after.

 

He just called me an hour ago - he remembered. I wasn't expecting that. I was downstairs doing dishes, thank God he got the voicemail.

 

I actually called the S.O.B. back (on impulse) and got his voicemail. Again, thank God. He said he wanted me to check out his new place and talk because "he had an hour." I've mulled it over and I've decided not to, although this is terribly hard.

 

The day we broke up, everything seemed so optimistic. I was hurt, but optimistic about friendship. Now after all the thinking I've done over the past few weeks, I'm angry with him. The breakup was complete crap and taking the easy way out. Telling me we should spend less time together would have been just as effective and a hell of a lot easier.

 

It's hard to not call him back. I think I'm being really cruel and rude. I know he wants this to work as a friendship but it's hard for me because I feel like I'm being kept around for a convience and a possible lover opportunity in the future.

 

Again I ask: Am I doing the right thing?

[Fallen_Angel]

Originally posted by loveisallaround

The day we broke up, everything seemed so optimistic. I was hurt, but optimistic about friendship. Now after all the thinking I've done over the past few weeks, I'm angry with him. The breakup was complete crap and taking the easy way out.

 

Gosh, I wish I knew what to tell you. I felt optimistic at first too. I remember the way my ex hugged me goodbye, the way he followed me up the turnpike to make sure I got home ok (well, he was headed in that direction too, to go to school), the way we both cried and cried...it gave me hope. I thought if he felt the same way I was feeling, if he TRULY loved me the way I loved him, things would work out and we'd get back together.

 

Ok I'm going to stop that line of thought before I burst out crying. I've done rather well today trying to stave off the waterworks.

 

I've never professed to have any sort of understanding of the way guys think, and after this I'm even more confused. Every time the phone rings I hope it's him, and it never is.

 

I know you and your ex want to remain friends. And sure, it makes sense if you both get along so well. But again, who benefits? If you become friends right now, you'll certainly suffer. You can't base your friendship with him on the hope that it'll become more again. I tried that once. I could pretend to the guy's face (this was some time ago, and now we're best friends, but that's a whole other story) that I felt nothing, but privately I was overanalyzing EVERYTHING he said and did and it was amazingly painful. In a true friendship, both parties benefit equally.

 

I also don't want to make it sound like you should give up hope altogether...because I know deep down I haven't. I think the trick is to strike a fine balance between thinking about him & wanting things to work out and moving on with your life - getting up in the morning, eating, working, meeting new people, etc.

 

I found a flash of inspiration - I saw a cute guy a little while ago.

[loveisallaround]

I don't know if you've read He's Just Not That Into You, but I am and it's helping me tremendously.

 

It's very liberating.

[Fallen_Angel]

It's next to my bed. I refer to it often.

 

I also like The Break Up Repair Kit by Marni Kamins & Janice MacLeod. It kinda has religious undertones in some sections, but it's not preachy.

 

I used to have a book called How to Heal the Hurt by Hating by Anita Liberty. Of course I can't find it! The book is hysterical.

 

His birthday is tomorrow. I STILL haven't heard from him (now going on 4 days since the voicemail, and can I repeat this again?! "Call me whenever you need to, and I'll call you back...I want to help you get through this."). Whatever. I'll call tomorrow. I hope I get his voicemail. I want to tell him to have a happy birthday, good luck with finals, and "oh by the way, you haven't called me. But that's fine. I can take a hint" and say bye.

[loveisallaround]

I would get a friend to do the double call so you'll automatically get his voicemail. As we both know, if you do talk to him, you'll feel like complete and utter crap. Probably hearing his voicemail message will do the same but to a lesser extent.

 

I think the greeting card is sweet and to the point. Let's stick by our NC guns. If I can do it, you can do it too. Make him miss you.

[Fallen_Angel]

Sweet...eh...I guess the THOUGHT is sweet. The drawing on the front is, after all, two hairy-sort of cavemen.

 

I don't know why, but I had this feeling like he was going to call me tonight. Is there a full moon or something? I must have my signals crossed, or I'm simply delusional.

 

I saw a happy couple at the mall earlier. What really makes me ill is that a very short while ago, that was me.

 

When I went to Hallmark to pick out a Mother's Day card, I felt compelled to glance at the birthday cards. Strangely enough the "love" cards were at the bottom of the Shoebox display, so I had to bend down to read them. Nothing like another reminder of just how crappy I feel! Hehe. I found two I had bought for him in previous years, both of which of course were mildly dirty. I don't know why I stopped to look at them. I really should have just grabbed the Mother's Day card and made a beeline for the register. Then again, logic seems to have no place in my life anymore.

[loveisallaround]

It is SO hard to see couples out in public, I completly sympathize with you.

 

Things may seem bleak, but they'll get better. You deserve it.

 

Everyday that goes by and I find my emotional strength to maintain NC, I feel better. I reinforce to myself that I don't deserve to be broken up with for such faulty reasons. I have bigger fish to fry. So do you!

[Fallen_Angel]

I really thought I was feeling better yesterday, but that only lasted through the morning. One of these days I'll get to a point where the good feelings can last throughout an entire day.

 

One of my best friends from grade school sent me the nicest e-mail after I told her what happened, and I printed it out and put it under my desk calendar so I can refer to it at work as often as I need to. She said all the things I know deep down, but it's so reassuring to have someone else say them too. I don't need him if he doesn't want me. I want someone who DOES love me enough not to cause me this kind of pain. Wow, of course I start to tear up again after typing that. WHY, oh WHY must I be so sensitive?!?! Hehe.

[loveisallaround]

Three cheers to us.

 

We DO deserve somebody who will embrace us and love us for who we are. The high strung emotions and all!

 

I'm on day 6 of NC. I've healed considerably fast during it, and reading He's Just Not That Into You took a huge weight off of my shoulders. It reaffirmed my belief in myself and faith that somebody worthy will come along. I know I'm not totally over him, as you, I have bad times (especially mornings, getting up alone) but I also have really empowering times.

 

Let's make our exes really live without us. If they wanted to break up with us - then they'll get none of us. Perhaps with absolutely no contact they'll realize they made huge mistakes.

 

Did you make the birthday call or opt not to?

[BrotherAaron]

Well, you weren't asking me, but I opted not to. I did nothing for her birthday. In fact, I saw her, we made eye contact, and I kept walking. She doesn't get any happy birthdays from me anymore.

 

The way I saw it, I didn't picture her telling me happy birthday if it were mine, so why should I do it for her?

[Fallen_Angel]

Sigh.

 

I practiced a little speech in my head. I called around lunch time, when I was 99% sure I'd get his voicemail. I even went over the speech in my head one last time - had to stop myself before dialing, think, then go through with it! - and it went something like this: "Hi, it's me. I was just calling to wish you a happy birthday. I know you haven't returned my last call, but that's okay, because I can take a hint. Enjoy your birthday, and good luck with the end of the semester and finals and whatnot. Good bye, (his name)." I figured if I ended the voicemail like that, he'd know I wasn't going to bother calling again. I knew it sounded right.

 

Well wouldn't you know, he called me about three hours later. His excuse for not calling me back sooner was that he was out Friday night and since then has been too busy studying and preparing a presentation. Whatever. We used to talk every night. This tells me in addition to the other reasons he gave me, he also became too lazy to handle a relationship. I DON'T DESERVE THAT! Ooh that felt good.

 

Anyhow, his conversation was as irritatingly generic as the others, until the end when I said "Is that all you have to say?" If I were really thinking, I wouldn't have said that. I started to get upset. He said he still thought about me (still? It's only been a month, and we dated for three and a half YEARS) and didn't want me to be miserable. He even called me baby. I told him some days were alright, but others were still really hard for me. Before we hung up he said he'd call me next Wednesday or Thursday.

 

Arrrrrrgh. I'm not calling him ever again. I seriously mean that. I know I wasn't exactly happy in the 12 days I didn't talk to him, but I was MUCH better than as compared to the time that has lapsed since I called him a week and a half ago. I can't take this anymore. Every time the phone rings, I hope it's him. Every time I hear a car rumble by, I hope it's him - and he's never dropped by unexpectedly, so I have no clue why I'd expect him to do so now, other than delusional hopes on my part.

 

I need to pore over my breakup books. I need to stay away from him so he will realize what he's giving up. I also need to get out of contact with him to put my emotions back in order. I don't want to be characterized as one of those emotional headcase girls - I'm not! I can't help that this really, really REALLY hurts.

 

The way I see it, I've dealt with rejection numerous times. Of course, it's never been of this magnitude before, but when push comes to shove it's all the same. I'm going to pick myself back up and try to heal again - well, more so than before. I feel like I started to climb the mountain but fell down a little. Nothing to do except keep trying.

[loveisallaround]

You'll do it - it's terribly hard, but doable. This lesson is here for a reason and the breakup occured because the universe has bigger and better lessons/people ahead of you.

 

The "too lazy for a relationship" line was totally insensitive and a slap in the face.

 

When you totally cut him off, he'll see what a slap in the face can feel like and he can really learn to miss you. You deserve to heal and get back to you.

 

Like Engima sang: It's a Return to Innocence!

[outdated]

I love you Fallen Angel. Your words are the morning dew on Tinkerbell's shoe, whatever the hell that means. Anyhow, I too have the same problem. Always wanting to call, and then always feeling like a big douchebag when I do. I feel like I'm smart enough to get the hint, but I don't. I feel like our relationship was good enough for a second chance yet I don't get one. I don't know why I keep hanging on. It can't be that I'm still in denial- it's been almost two months. Why do we do this to ourselves? Are these people really worth it? When you think about this question, remember what they look like in the morning. It always helps me stay sober in my reply to myself.

[Fallen_Angel]

Awwww you guys...

 

Love, I am so impressed with you! You sound so very strong. And I know you're right. I guess in my mind I figured he'd "miss" me by now, but you know what? He's very stubborn. I'm sure he convinced himself this is the "right" thing to do, and if/when he realizes otherwise, it will be too late.

 

I should make a list of all the good things I have going for me so I can forget about how miserable I feel when I think about him!

 

I love Enigma!

 

Outdated, you are too sweet. I'm blushing furiously! Hehe. Part of me wants to ignore the phone if he calls next week. Yet the rest of me can't imagine doing so. Maybe if I do answer, I'll try to keep the call as short as possible. In any event, I hereby proclaim I WILL NOT invoke any emotional theatrics! Let him wonder how I'm really feeling.

 

I loved the way he looked when he first woke up in the morning. (We used to spend weekends together when we were in school, and have done so occasionally since we've graduated - he's currently in grad school.) And he said he loved the way I looked too, even when I thought I looked awful - just another reason why I thought it was meant to be, I suppose.

 

I have another card etiquette quandary. I COMPLETELY forgot his mom is scheduled for surgery next week - the doctors found a suspicious mass in her breast and want to remove it. I wasn't super close to his mom, but at the same time I feel it would be appropriate to let her know I'm thinking of her and wish her a speedy recovery. Any thoughts?

[outdated]

I don't know. If you weren't that close but feel you have to send something make it short and sweet and not tinged with any thoughts of her son. Wish her a good recovery and that's it- get in and get out. If you think it's necessary- it is a nice gesture, but only if in the back of your head it's not to "gain points" from your ex. Thinking he'll call because, etc. He left you and it sucks, but it also removes the ties that bind you to him and his family. In short, do what you feel's right, not for any alterior motives.

[Fallen_Angel]

I don't want to make a huge deal of this, but in my heart I feel it's the right thing to do. I asked a co-worker about it and she asked if I would do the same thing if I was still with my ex. I told her of course I would. Actually I'd probably take it a step further and get flowers or a basket of some sort.

 

I honestly do want her to know I'm hoping she's ok. Like I said, I know I wasn't extremely close with her, but I still think it's a nice gesture. It's not as though I'm going to put a sob story in the card about how her son is a jerk and should come back to me. It's a simple card - flowers on the front, hope you feel better soon, etc. I'll sign my name and send it on its way. I'm not sending the card to prompt a response from him.

 

Of course I'd be lying if I didn't say I want him to stop for a second and think "oh wow, that was really nice." But the way I see it, that's NOT the reason why I'm sending it. If that were the case, I'd be an awful person.

 

Today so far has been much better than yesterday. I'm a bit relieved. I hope I can string together a few days just like this one.

[loveisallaround]

Originally posted by Fallen_Angel

Today so far has been much better than yesterday. I'm a bit relieved. I hope I can string together a few days just like this one.

 

Good days get more and more frequent - just keep yourself busy.

 

Today has been a really hard day for me. I just had rehearsel for the last two hours and I was so disconnected, I just thought of him - I was in the neighbourhood where he now lives.

 

It still kills me that such a good thing lays in waste. Love lost as they say. Now I'm sitting here watching Survivor alone, a reality show night tradition we once shared. I wish he could have just communicated with me in the first place because I was feeling basically the same way.

 

On a good note, I got my hair cut today. It's way short and edgy. I feel like a new person. It fits me extremly well.

 

Of course, my hairdresser and I talked about our relationship scenarios. She thinks I should e-mail him and tell him why I haven't contacted him and that I don't hate him, etc and so forth. What do you guys think?

 

As per your greeting card - I think it's a very mature decision. Just make sure it's from a genuine place, not to win points with him. But I think your heart is in the right groove.

[No Foolin]

Good thoughts ladies and gents.

 

It appears people are starting to make choices for themselves and not for a ghost. Not bad

 

No Foolin