The best friend who is also "the one that got away" called me

June 29, 2015

I've posted a thread about this guy before, but suffice it to say: We've known each other since childhood. I was really into him last year, and we had a moment last fall that he took advantage of with an all night makeout, then a week later, he told me quote, "I did that because I could, and I'm sorry." He could never really give me an answer for why he wasn't interested in me. Which always puzzled me. I now know he was into another girl at the time, and his "attention" was focused elsewhere.

Despite that, we ended up becoming really good friends. We have a ton of common interests and the same tastes in everything--ranging from food to music to movies to beer to sports. We think alike and approach situations the same way, too. It's why I think dating would have worked. In February, I moved 2000 miles away from him. I haven't hung out with him since, yet I still think about him daily.

We text a little--sometimes he starts it, sometimes I start it. This past weekend I was privileged to a snapchat video of him singing along to a song I like in his car. We were texting, and then he called me last night.

We ended up talking for almost an hour and a half. I'm not a phone person. Mostly we talked about what we've both been up to, and dating gone awry. He heard how a guy I'd been dating insulted me, and his response was, "That's not true. Your tall and curvy in all the right places. Which is reeeeeally attractive." We talked about his dating life--he has dates lined up for the first time, with 2 girls. He doesn't really know them, but he's excited. And I AM excited for him. But at the same time..It's WEIRD to hear.

It gets even weirder, when he described the girls. And they literally sounded just like me. Quote about one, "She's tall, she's blonde (this is his type), she's a runner, she just graduated with a biochem degree so she's really smart. She thinks she wants to go to PA school. She grew up in a small town on a farm. She's awesome." The other girl held the same parallels. I'm tall, I'm blonde, I'm a runner (he and I both run), I have a bio degree, I want to go to PA school or an accelerated nursing program, I grew up on a farm. And it just made me sit there and wonder..Dude what did I do to you, to make you not like me? I guess I'll never know.

I am grateful for the great and open, if not odd, friendship that came of it. And when he finds a girlfriend, I will be happy for him, even if I'm hurting, because I care and want the best for him always.

Is it unusual to have a male friend who wants to call and talk for an hour and half?

Edited June 29, 2015 by Redemption04

June 29, 2015

It may be a bit unusual, but not a rarity I don't think. I have a woman friend who I dated for awhile that I talk to on the phone occasionally. When we do it's never for less than an hour, and has been as much as three hours. We understand each other and have a lot of similar perspectives, but not identical perspectives... so there's never a shortage of topics.

I have no idea why the guy doesn't want to date you, but my guess is that he doesn't feel the sexual chemistry or else he'd be pursuing it. He probably knows you're into him.

Why don't you just ask him? If you two communicate openly and have all of this positive regard for each other he'll probably give you a fairly straight answer... although maybe with a little bit of sugar coating. At least that way you won't have that white elephant in the room all the time.

If you're seriously crushing on him, and dating is not in the cards whatsoever, then I'd say cut contact and get over the crush before trying to be "friends." Otherwise it may keep you stuck and unable to be attracted to guys who are actually interested in you.

June 29, 2015

I have no doubt that this is one of those "friendships" that are sure to jeopardize your own future relationships because of your attraction to him.

June 29, 2015

I have no idea why the guy doesn't want to date you, but my guess is that he doesn't feel the sexual chemistry or else he'd be pursuing it. He probably knows you're into him.

The time we kissed, we ended up making out, and I stayed all night (no sex). I don't think sexual chemistry is the problem--He was rock hard within seconds, and his hands were all over me the whole time. We fell asleep spooning. When he woke up he pulled me to him again before falling back asleep.

When he talked to me a week after the incident he included in that conversation, "Obviously, I'm very attracted to you. And because of that, we can't be alone. Things will happen."

July 2, 2015

If you're seriously crushing on him, and dating is not in the cards whatsoever

One other thing--I don't KNOW for a fact that dating wouldn't be in the cards whatsoever..But I live far away now. I don't even know how it would make sense to ask how he feels.

July 3, 2015

Maybe he likes you a lot but knows he isn't or wasn't in the market for a serious relationship and didn't want you to get hurt by it all.

July 9, 2015

Maybe he likes you a lot but knows he isn't or wasn't in the market for a serious relationship and didn't want you to get hurt by it all.

Maybe, and I wonder if it would be in bad taste to just corner him and ask him.

I'm coming back to town this weekend, and I texted him last night with the dates I'll be there. I know this weekend is his big "date" weekend with all these chicks. So I'm wondering if he's going to have time for me. However, I feel like if I'm important to him, he will make time. If we're really friends--and have been since we were born--I should be the priority. Especially because I'll only be in town for a couple days.

He's the world's worst texter, but he still hasn't replied.

July 9, 2015

the one that got away..... called you. super!!

July 9, 2015

the one that got away..... called you. super!!

Are you being sarcastic??

July 14, 2015

I'm back in town and he and I hung out last night. Went to dinner, I got to hear about his dates (neither of which sounded like they went super well, just based on a couple things he said). He's ending things with one girl and the other girl he hasn't talked to in the better part of a week.

We had dinner, than went to a park, ended up walking 4 miles round trip to a historic site, wandering through a neighborhood in a place we neither know. Got ice cream cones just as the fireflies were coming out, and he drove me back and dropped me off, and we sang along to one of our favorite songs on the radio all the way to the house. Then I mentioned one of my favorite songs and he started singing it for me. Probably the greatest summer night I've had in years.

There was no effort to kiss me, but we were never in private. I some how feel like had we been in private even a few minutes...I don't know.

I don't know what the deal is. There's a lot of "touching" in this friendship (ie he grabs my shoulder, touches my arm), I smack arm him, etc. If any of my other male friends did this to me, I'd be CREEPED out. I also wouldn't TOUCH--even playfully--any of my other male friends.

July 14, 2015

I'm excited for you and frustrated for you.

Wtf is his problem? Maybe the best thing to do is to cut it off with him. Next time he calls you, say you're busy. This kind of mind playing nonsense is stupid. It's like he likes being around you but doesn't want to take that next step.

I'm not sure how old you are, but he sounds like a waste of time.

July 15, 2015

Exactly how I feel about the older guy I described as Mr. Big. Always wants to have fun but never wants to commit. I've been spacing out communication, going on dates, and getting involved in volunteering (which happen to have more guys, not my intentions haha). Maybe you need to do that. But not have him as your only focus but still maybe scare the chance of the guy from having you. Maybe then he would make a move. If not, you will have other options.

July 15, 2015

Is it unusual to have a male friend who wants to call and talk for an hour and half?

It is for me. I have a ton of guy friends that I talk to for extended periods of time...

But I never pined for any of them and there was never anything sexual about our relationships whatsoever.

July 15, 2015

Sexual chemistry isn't the problem, as you said, but then most guys can actually get hard for a wide variety of women if they're touching them.

Here's the thing. He has already made up his mind you are not "the one" for him. He told you straight up he took advantage and made out with you because he could, meaning he'd have done it with pretty much anyone. But he does not consider you as a potential for someone he wants to stay with. So right now, you're just ruining a friendship.

Plenty of guys have kept me on the phone forever or talked to me regularly when they had no intention of taking it further. You have to stop just letting him do whatever with no intentions behind it.

July 15, 2015

Yes, I have had platonic male friends call me up and gab for 1.5 hours.

Unfortunately, all of the information suggests that this guy has you pegged as someone he is not interested in as a serious romantic prospect.

For your own peace of mind you should direct your attention elsewhere, stop overanalyzing etc. IME, it takes a really long time, or some other shock to the system (say, watching you fall madly in love with someone else) to make a person stop seeing you in a particular way.

Right now, he is in the power position, and even if you guys changed the nature of your relationship, he'd still be in it. Which is bad news for you.

July 15, 2015

There was no effort to kiss me, but we were never in private.

Do you mean you were around people that you both knew all day, or that you were just in public places?

Cuz most guys wouldn't shy away from kissing someone just because they were in a park or whatever.

Plus....weren't you in a car for at least some of the time?

July 15, 2015

Do you mean you were around people that you both knew all day, or that you were just in public places?

Cuz most guys wouldn't shy away from kissing someone just because they were in a park or whatever.

Plus....weren't you in a car for at least some of the time?

Both. He's kind of ridiculously private--like the only times he's kissed girls has been either drunk, or in private where NO ONE ELSE was present (me). To quote him, "I don't want anyone to see me.". Having some obscure stranger mowing their grass and seeing him kiss someone would be mortifying for him, for whatever reason, even if he liked the chick.

We were in the car for a very short amount of time--never stationary. When singing, he was shifting and I was navigating. Then when he went to drop me off, my sister was standing in the doorway. We never "sat" in the car. I've had a couple guys kiss me in parking lots or upon dropping me off at home, but never in motion.

July 15, 2015

Another thing--and this is what frustrates me the most. I've puzzled over WHY I got friendzoned to begin with. The chemistry is there. The common interests are there. The sense of humor is there. So what did I do, to earn my friendzone decision?

I tried to pin him down in February and ask him, and he couldn't come up with anything. We can pretty much say anything to each other--he can be painfully blunt. But when asked, "Was it my personality?" He said "No."

Last night I kind of asked while we were walking, if somehow he'd come to the conclusion I was easy because we'd made out all night last winter. His response, "I never thought that for a second about you."

He did blurt while we were walking later, when talking about his parents, "Actually, the biggest turn off about you was probably the fact my parents really like you, and that puts a lot of pressure on me."

The weird thing about his sudden touchy/feeliness last night, for me, is that of all the time I've spent with him in the past..He's never done that. He's a very awkward guy. He's not suave, or hands-on by nature. That's not his norm. I don't think, with the exception of when he was asleep holding me during our incident, I've ever had him intentionally touch me.

In the car he did glance over at me at a red light, "God you have long legs. It's attractive." And later a comment about, "I've never opened a door for you. I need to do that. I did that for those girls I went on the dates with."

He said something obnoxious, and I playfully smacked him on the small of his back. He paused, "You..almost touched my butt."

Edited July 15, 2015 by Redemption04

July 15, 2015

You're letting this guy toy around with you and you're accepting his behaviour.

....

July 15, 2015

You're letting this guy toy around with you and you're accepting his behaviour.

....

....

If that's the case, then there's not really anything I can do, is there? Once in the friendzone, in the friendzone for good, right? I'll always be the friend who was really fun to make out with, has sent him home with good cookies, makes him laugh, likes the same music and listens to his date problems/gives girl advice, and nothing more...right up until I completely end the friendship and up and walk away. There's no way to win, is there?

He's a really great guy, and the friendship is special to me. I've never had a friendship even mildly like this one--I have ONE other friend who I ever kissed (and it occurred drunk, and was definitely momentary--and that friendship is nothing like this. That's a strained "person you know" type situation...not the man I can talk to about anything).

The ****ty part is I have a better time with him than pretty much any of the men I've DATED--maybe I just date crappy men. It's too bad that friend I click with on every level, is the friend who will never want me back. Sometimes im okay with it, other times..not as much.

So my options are basically to suffer it out but keep my friend, or walk away from it all, aren't they?

July 15, 2015

What the heck is this guy's problem? What more could he want in a woman? You're his type, great friends, everything in common... Is he so damn picky that there's something else he needs from you in order to take the plunge? It can't just be because his parents like you, that should be a huge plus, and if it is then that is one stupid reason.

It's a shame he made things worse by using you. He continues to make teasing comments, playing games, yet making sure you know you should have no hope. Something is off about him. Not that you should dump him as a friend, but it'd probably do you good to focus your energies on finding someone who does want you.

What a shame, because having a relationship with a guy who is your best friend is ideal.

Edit: Oops, you live 2000 miles away now. Well, I guess it's too late anyway.

Edited July 15, 2015 by DaisyBug

July 15, 2015

Your guess is as good as mine.

I'm going to see him again in a little while--after we went to dinner the other night, we discovered the server accidently switched our cards when the checks came back So he's been stuck with mine and vice a versa for the last couple days.

He's driving here after he gets off work in a few minutes, and swapping cards back. What do you bet it's a 3 minute exchange?

This will be the last time I see him until who knows when.

July 15, 2015

Another thing--and this is what frustrates me the most. I've puzzled over WHY I got friendzoned to begin with. The chemistry is there. The common interests are there. The sense of humor is there. So what did I do, to earn my friendzone decision?

I tried to pin him down in February and ask him, and he couldn't come up with anything. We can pretty much say anything to each other--he can be painfully blunt. But when asked, "Was it my personality?" He said "No."
Last night I kind of asked while we were walking, if somehow he'd come to the conclusion I was easy because we'd made out all night last winter. His response, "I never thought that for a second about you."
He did blurt while we were walking later, when talking about his parents, "Actually, the biggest turn off about you was probably the fact my parents really like you, and that puts a lot of pressure on me."

The weird thing about his sudden touchy/feeliness last night, for me, is that of all the time I've spent with him in the past..He's never done that. He's a very awkward guy. He's not suave, or hands-on by nature. That's not his norm. I don't think, with the exception of when he was asleep holding me during our incident, I've ever had him intentionally touch me.

In the car he did glance over at me at a red light, "God you have long legs. It's attractive." And later a comment about, "I've never opened a door for you. I need to do that. I did that for those girls I went on the dates with."
He said something obnoxious, and I playfully smacked him on the small of his back. He paused, "You..almost touched my butt."

This all sounds very awkward and, frankly, a bit fake. I think he knows damn well why he isn't interested. And it's NOT his parents. Give me a break.

July 15, 2015

This all sounds very awkward and, frankly, a bit fake. I think he knows damn well why he isn't interested. And it's NOT his parents. Give me a break.

What sounds so awkward?

July 15, 2015

What sounds so awkward?

I find a discussion about why someone isn't interested in you to be awkward.

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