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Parent's intuition: this would be a "bad" decision

GooseChaser

By GooseChaser
in General Relationship Discussion

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GooseChaser Established Member

GooseChaser

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Soooo, I recently reactivated my OkCupid for the summer and been keeping an eye on my incoming messages for anything interesting. Today a message got my attention... he sounds like quite the charmer, heh. I went to his profile, mostly liked what I saw. He seems sweet and energetic.

 

So then I mentioned to my mom that I might like to meet this person; I still live at home when I'm not at college. (I'm 25 now, almost 26.) This put her on the alert and she says we'll talk about it when dad gets home. He proceeds to get home, I briefly describe what I want to do, the typical parental debate with a child who wants to go on a date ensues, and they say they'll go talk about it between themselves during a drive. (Yes, I know I sound like a kid, letting them have this power/authority at all.) Throughout all of this I just really want to respond to the message but I didn't feel like I could. I don't think they could actually forbid me to date someone seeing as I'm an adult but they are intimidating somehow in these situations and I often feel I'm on a short leash. I don't know what would happen if I really just took control and went to meet someone without permission. Possibly restrictions or being watched more closely... or at least a guilt trip. Like, do I need to just say, "I'm going to such-and-such place for this long, see you later?" and maybe it'd work out? Maybe but they wouldn't be happy? Maybe it's something I have to do though? I don't know....

 

Then they get home and say they'd like to see his profile. Luckily I had prepared a special text document just for them with his profile details, edited to remove sexual innuendos. They would've fliiiiipped! :lmao: My mom then went through the list looking carefully for reasons I shouldn't date him. She noted that he said he curses like a sailor, didn't like that he was agnostic (I don't have a problem with either of these)... and then she found out he smokes marijuana. After that she was convinced that dating him is a "bad decision" and that he would definitely negatively impact my life. She mentions that it is illegal in my state and he might be using harder drugs. She really badly wants me to forget about it and keep looking.

 

He actually describes himself as a regular smoker, and he mentioned that we might have a smoke during the first date, so it must be a significant part of his life. Considering this, as a lifelong non-smoker I don't know how well we'd match up. I still sorta feel like giving it a chance-- at least have a first date and see how things felt to me-- but my parents' strong disapproval is making me nervous and I'm hesitating. Are they overreacting or do they have a point? How much should I listen to my parents' opinions of my future dates?

 

Also, if anyone wants to comment on my boundaries with my parents, like if I need to enforce them more, feel free. I'm unsure about it myself, considering I'm under their roof. ^^; Sometimes I feel like a doormat.... Though can they really control where I go and when? Thanks in advance. :)

Edited by GooseChaser
carhill Established Member

carhill

Posted
Posted

You're an adult going to college who happens to live at your parent's home. Part of being an adult is separating emotionally from the child who was hopefully parented well by the parents and establishing as an independent adult. It's up to you to do this. To your parents you will always be their child until death do you part.

 

As far as their analysis, based on what your shared, they probably have good reason to see this young man as incompatible. You apparently agree with some of the points made but still want to give this meeting an opportunity. OK, do the adult thing- decide and accept the consequences of your decision. In life, some decisions are right and healthy and others are wrong and unhealthy. The only way to get there is to make one and accept what happens. Thank your parents for their input and move forward.

TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
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The guy is not a good choice. Frankly as a daily user of a prohibited substance, I personally would definitely baulk at ever meeting him.

I don't do drugs, have always been extremely contented, happy and relaxed with not using them, and frankly, I honestly believe anyone indulging in them on a daily basis, is hiding something, even if it's psychological.

 

As to your parents: Words fail me.

 

You know the dynamics are wrong, yet you seem totally willing, complacent and compliant.

I suspect it's because you're actually happy for them to make all the hard decisions for you, and you use them to your advantage.

 

There is a co-dependency here which is dysfunctional and worrying.

 

You let them control you, but there is no protest, no objection, no rebellion in your post.

Which means you play into it.

 

You need to seek therapy to divorce yourself from their hold on you and your reliance and subjugation to them.

 

And don't even think of dating anyone while this familial thing is still a problem.

Nobody wants to date a 16-year-old in a mid-20's body. And that's not baggage any guy wants to deal with.

 

Seriously. Get help.

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GooseChaser Established Member

GooseChaser

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Wow, thanks for your perspectives so far! I always felt like it wasn't quite right but it's good for once to see people actually think it's not healthy or normal. It'll be a change but I'll do my best to take actions to change things to how they should be. I will also look up codependency and see how it relates to my situation. I actually have a therapist though I don't know if they'll be much help... I'm pretty sure I brought the issue up with them before years ago and they didn't really see a problem. Maybe I'll try again, hehe....

So what do you do if you protest and everything but they still always win?

 

Would anyone be able to give an example of a more healthy interaction between the parents and someone like me, if they wouldn't mind? :)

 

So I'm hearing so far that dating someone who regularly uses a drug like that is probably not the best idea. Thanks for the input there too.

Edited by GooseChaser
salparadise Established Member

salparadise

Posted
Posted
Would anyone be able to give an example of a more healthy interaction between the parents and someone like me, if they wouldn't mind? :)

 

Sure, happy to. I am the parent of a 19 year old college junior. She lives with me during the summer months. I always saw it as my job to help her be confident, independent, and prepared for self-determination by age eighteen. While she's here this summer she comes and goes as she pleases. I ask that she keep me informed as to her whereabouts as a matter of safety and respect. I never presume that she needs my permission to do anything, although sometimes she will ask for advice... and when that happens, I try to help her see the big picture so she can make a good decision for herself rather than just telling her what I want her to do. If I were to be gone tomorrow I know that she would conduct her own life with grace and aplomb.

 

So, an example of what that exchange might have been like for us....

 

daughter: "Dad I'm going out, see you later.

dad: Ok sweetie, be careful and take good care of yourself. what time should I expect you home?

daughter: I going on a date, so I'm not sure but I'll text if it's going to be later than usual (meaning midnight).

dad: Ok, have fun and make sure some of your friends know where you are.

daughter: Ok - bye.

 

Next day:

 

dad: How was your date?

daughter: It was good, we had fun.

dad: That's great - are you going to see him again?

daughter:Nah, he's a stoner and hasn't figured out much, so not interested.

dad: Oh that's a shame, but don't worry you'll meet someone who is great for you eventually.

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GooseChaser Established Member

GooseChaser

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Well... today I decided to push the issue a bit. For now I don't have any dates set up, but they don't know that. :D The plan: make up a scenario and study their reaction for future reference. I just told my mom that I found a new guy and that I was thinking about meeting up with him today. She quickly went into "concerned" mode and acted a bit upset. (Odd. Why be like that?) She told me that this was just like that other time when I was dating multiple guys at once. (It's... not. I haven't even gone on a date for... a long time. And I don't really want to repeat the multi-dating thing anyway. I've learned~.) She also mentioned how she goes out of her way to give me advice; I reminded her that giving advice is not the same as telling me what to do (thanks Sal ;)) and she agreed with that concept. She asked about his dating profile and I told her it doesn't really have as much information on it and she wouldn't find anything wrong with it, except it has maybe too much about things he doesn't like (be positive people!). That was actually based on a real profile there.

 

For now I'm preparing as if I were actually planning to go out with someone. I actually hope to go to the library or something instead for a few hours. If all goes well, I will go on my "date" unobstructed. :cool:

Edited by GooseChaser
TaraMaiden2 Established Member

TaraMaiden2

Posted
Posted

Be careful about the 'lies' you weave... "Liars have to have good memories".

 

It's all very well inventing a scenario to test the water, but really, the thing to do is to seek a partner as you have done, but be less open about it.

Your life is your life, they don't need to know everything.

That is to say, you don't have to run everything by them...

 

"Hey I've met this guy, and I think he may be really nice, what do you think? Should I meet him again? He was suggesting going for a pony trek, but would that be a good idea...?"

 

As an alternative, this would be better for you in the long run:

 

"Hey I've met this guy, and i think he Is really nice, so I think I should I meet him again. He was suggesting going for a pony trek, and I really love the idea. So saturday, don't cook lunch for me, and I'll call you to let you know when and if I'll be home for dinner....!"

 

Like Salparadise says, give them the information they should have as a matter of courtesy, but don't permit interference, control, or let them dictate what your moves should be....

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GooseChaser Established Member

GooseChaser

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Yeah for the most part I'm honest with them. The vast majority of the time. This scenario will only last for the day so memory won't be an issue. ^^ Hmm, maybe I'll tell them the date was called off... or delayed. Thank you for the tips, I appreciate it. I'll try to act with more confidence with them. I can see how I'm still sorta asking permission...

 

Update: "date" cancelled, no harm done... this way I'm not as deep in a lie as I could've been so that's good.

 

I think I scared them with the drug-user guy, so maybe they'll relax eventually..

Edited by GooseChaser
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