recycledheart Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 (edited) Just some background information, my boyfriend and I have been together for five months. I suffer with social/separation anxiety - I'm currently receiving counselling for these issues, and in the past I was actually on antidepressants for a short while but came off of them as they made things worse. My boyfriend is completely aware of this and it very supportive and understanding about it. However, as a result of these things, I have extremely low self-esteem, or maybe it's the other way around. Anyway, I have this awful tendency to over-analyse things, read into things too much, and pick things apart looking for a 'hidden meaning'. This means I tend to get extremely anxious/worried about little things my boyfriend does. - If he reads my message but doesn't reply for hours - He'll say goodnight to me between 9:30 and 10:30 as he has to get up at 5am for work... and then I see that he was still on facebook at 11:45pm - He liked another girl's picture on facebook (they went to high school together) and then I went back through her pictures and noticed that he's liked quite a few of her photos, even before we were together. Then this weekend I did something stupid, he fell asleep and I went through his phone. I knew he had nothing to hide, not really, but I did it anyway. He told me the unlock code for his phone months ago so I could look at his music, and he regularly unlocks his phone in front of me using the same code. He leaves me alone with his phone quite often, if he's going to shower or something. If he had something to hide he wouldn't do either of these things... yet I looked at his phone anyway. I hated myself as soon as I did it and immediately regretted it. I looked through his texts, his facebook messages, his call log, his photos - and found nothing. All I found was a text to a random number (just digits, it wasn't saved as a contact) saying: "call me when you can", and even that worried me for a minute until I realised how idiotic I was being. I even looked to see if he had the number of the girl who's pictures he liked, and he didn't. Last week, my anxiety got so debilitating that I called him and told him to break up with me... because I was scared that my worries would push him away, I just wanted to get it over with. My counselor said my anxiety is like a 'shadow' hanging over me, and I'm worried that when people see it, they won't want anything to do with me anymore, and that's exactly how I feel. He got really upset, said he didn't want to break up with me, the thought never crossed his mind, and that he loved me. When I saw him yesterday, he wrote me a lovely letter, reassuring me that he loved me, and if I ever felt worried, to tell him and he'd call me as soon as he could. He's lovely to me and yet I can't stop worrying about these stupid little things... what should I do? * I should also point out that his last girlfriend cheated on him. Also, a couple of weeks ago he found out his friend's girlfriend had been cheating. Straight after he actually asked ME if I was keeping anything from him. Which of course, I'm not. He was really apologetic and said "You're not the only one who gets paranoid and protective". Edited June 29, 2015 by recycledheart
Gaeta Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 You need a support group. Being in therapy for anxiety has its limit. How useful is it to you to know your anxiety is like a shadow over your head? Useless. You need a support group in which you will be taught how to control your anxiety and stop these thoughts from getting out hand. I also suggest you take up yoga, it made a world of difference to my sister-in-law who suffers from anxiety. You need to be pro-active and take control over your anxiety with concrete actions like sports, yoga, meditation, support groups.
Lois_Griffin Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Quite honestly, you just don't sound healthy enough to be in any relationship. This poor guy has basically had to take on the burden of your neurosis and it's going to wear REAL thin on him eventually. Sorry. 3
veggirl Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 You are being WAY over the top. I agree with the above poster, you are NOT ready for a relationship. Have you told your counselor you are reacting like this? Honestly there is not one red flag in your post, other than your behavior. Nothing about your boyfriend sounds suspicious. All you are going to do is drive him and any other future boyfriend away.
d0nnivain Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 There is nothing for you to worry about. He is a nice guy. Just because we have the ability to be connected 24/7 doesn't mean we are obligated to do so. At 5 months in you can't expect him to act like a husband of 5 years. When he says good night to you he's not obligated to go to bed right away. He's being sweet & saying good night. He clearly thinks about you & his actions back up his words. Liking somebody else's anything on social media is meaningless. Don't even think about it. Him liking a friend's post does not mean he stopped caring about you. However, if you start trying to control him, expect him to go to sleep immediately after saying goodnight to you & giving up all his friends because you can't handle social media, he's going to pick give you up instead. Calm down. Your fears & anxieties are not his problem. You are being your own worst enemy here.
joseb Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 However, if you start trying to control him, expect him to go to sleep immediately after saying goodnight to you & giving up all his friends because you can't handle social media, he's going to pick give you up instead. This. He really has done nothing wrong. If you want the relationship to work you will have to get a handle on you issues. Are you finding the therapy helpful? Gaeta's suggestions on alternative therapies are also very good.
Keenly Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Sounds like a great guy but you're trying to poke holes in him.
katiegrl Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 (edited) You need a support group. Being in therapy for anxiety has its limit. How useful is it to you to know your anxiety is like a shadow over your head? Useless. You need a support group in which you will be taught how to control your anxiety and stop these thoughts from getting out hand. I also suggest you take up yoga, it made a world of difference to my sister-in-law who suffers from anxiety. **You need to be pro-active and take control over your anxiety with concrete actions like sports, yoga, meditation, support groups**. ^^This and I would also suggest making an appointment with a medical doctor who has the ability to render a proper diagnose. You may suffer from GAD (general anxiety disorder).....which is extremely debilitating and life-altering for both you and your loved ones. If that's the case (which is very possible given what you have posted,).....you will be prescribed the**proper* meds for your condition -- anti-anxiety meds. Anti-depressants will actually make an anxiety disorder WORSE...as is exactly what happened to you... Finding the right med for you though is sometimes difficult though....you and your doctor may have to try a few before finding the right one.....so hang in there. There is not a "one size fits all" when it comes to the right med. But with GAD.....the right med will help tremendously. You have a chemical imbalance and therapy and support groups, while helpful....won't balance those chemicals in your brain. Good luck! Edited June 29, 2015 by katiegrl
katiegrl Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 And your boyfriend sounds like a saint..so no I don't think you have anything to worry or feel anxious about with him..... 1
lovexocoach Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Be thankful he's so supportive. Look after yourself first and get qualified professional help.
Author recycledheart Posted June 29, 2015 Author Posted June 29, 2015 Hello everyone, OP here. I just wanted to thank you all for you advice/insights/input, I'm really grateful. I've taken everything you've all said on board, and whilst I've always been aware of the fact that everything I've been worried about is completely irrational, hearing it from other people really helped cement that fact in my mind. You're right, it would be selfish of me to expect him to go to sleep just because he said goodnight to me... his life doesn't revolve around me. Facebook 'likes' are completely meaningless, I myself 'like' pictures posted by people that I haven't seen or spoken to since school ended five years ago! I find that my anxiety tends to come in waves. I'll have a few days during which I feel perfectly fine, no worries at all - and I'll laugh at myself for the silly things I've got upset about... and other days, I'll be crippled with stupid worries. I've yet to mention these thoughts/worries to my counselor, because at the moment she wants to focus on my social anxiety which stems childhood rather than the present. Though, I do plan to bring these things up at my next session in two days time. I feel like I have two 'minds' in my brain. The first part is the anxious, irrational part, that blows meaningless things like this out of proportion... and the second half is the rational part that's telling me I'm worrying over nothing. In most people the irrational part is the 'little voice' in the back of their mind, but for me, it's the larger, stronger part. I'm hoping that counselling will help, if not, I will look into anti-anxiety meds.
veggirl Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 You have to stop online stalking him. Don't look at his likes, don't look at when he was or wasn't online...it'll drive you crazy. When you want to look, DON'T. Make yourself do something else. Seriously.
Redhead14 Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Just some background information, my boyfriend and I have been together for five months. I suffer with social/separation anxiety - I'm currently receiving counselling for these issues, and in the past I was actually on antidepressants for a short while but came off of them as they made things worse. My boyfriend is completely aware of this and it very supportive and understanding about it. However, as a result of these things, I have extremely low self-esteem, or maybe it's the other way around. Anyway, I have this awful tendency to over-analyse things, read into things too much, and pick things apart looking for a 'hidden meaning'. This means I tend to get extremely anxious/worried about little things my boyfriend does. - If he reads my message but doesn't reply for hours - He'll say goodnight to me between 9:30 and 10:30 as he has to get up at 5am for work... and then I see that he was still on facebook at 11:45pm - He liked another girl's picture on facebook (they went to high school together) and then I went back through her pictures and noticed that he's liked quite a few of her photos, even before we were together. Then this weekend I did something stupid, he fell asleep and I went through his phone. I knew he had nothing to hide, not really, but I did it anyway. He told me the unlock code for his phone months ago so I could look at his music, and he regularly unlocks his phone in front of me using the same code. He leaves me alone with his phone quite often, if he's going to shower or something. If he had something to hide he wouldn't do either of these things... yet I looked at his phone anyway. I hated myself as soon as I did it and immediately regretted it. I looked through his texts, his facebook messages, his call log, his photos - and found nothing. All I found was a text to a random number (just digits, it wasn't saved as a contact) saying: "call me when you can", and even that worried me for a minute until I realised how idiotic I was being. I even looked to see if he had the number of the girl who's pictures he liked, and he didn't. Last week, my anxiety got so debilitating that I called him and told him to break up with me... because I was scared that my worries would push him away, I just wanted to get it over with. My counselor said my anxiety is like a 'shadow' hanging over me, and I'm worried that when people see it, they won't want anything to do with me anymore, and that's exactly how I feel. He got really upset, said he didn't want to break up with me, the thought never crossed his mind, and that he loved me. When I saw him yesterday, he wrote me a lovely letter, reassuring me that he loved me, and if I ever felt worried, to tell him and he'd call me as soon as he could. He's lovely to me and yet I can't stop worrying about these stupid little things... what should I do? * I should also point out that his last girlfriend cheated on him. Also, a couple of weeks ago he found out his friend's girlfriend had been cheating. Straight after he actually asked ME if I was keeping anything from him. Which of course, I'm not. He was really apologetic and said "You're not the only one who gets paranoid and protective". You should never spend a minute worrying about what a man is doing. What you need to focus on is what YOUR needs are in a relationship and whether he is bringing what you need to the table. Whether or not you are just an anxious person or insecure, the fact is that if he is making you feel secure overall, then there isn't anything to worry about. And, you never tell a man to break up with you. A woman does this kind of thing when she is try to manipulate him. And, the fact that you've done this, will fuel insecurity on his part now for sure. he actually asked ME if I was keeping anything from him. Oftentimes people will accuse someone else of something as a way to "blame shift" if they are wanting out of a relationship. He's probably thinking about this now. You may be very lucky here. Play this cool. Step back and let him take the reins and continue to demonstrate his willingness to move forward with you now. He's getting mixed signals from you and is going to maybe start being cautious. Stop being needy and clingy. Show him you trust him and let him show you that as well. Be receptive and reciprocate his efforts on the same level he does for you. Keep things balanced and keep your head on straight and focus.
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