Leaving - UPDATE

[FolderWife]

gee...now that I re read my above post, it doesn't sound very nice I don't mean to sound mean. I was the other woman once too...to an engaged man.

 

once I realized that he was still going to marry her...even though he had me...I let him go. I gave him three months to leave her.

 

I think that you should have more self respect than to stay with a man who is still with his wife.

 

And I'm sorry...but I don't think he's going to leave her

[SweetSerenity]

Hahahahhahaa. I didn't bash you or speak down to you until you used abusive language towards me. You have really got to quit playing victim. It doesn't work. I'm too old for that!

 

What I am tired of is a lot of you angry women coming in here that have been cheated on, while understandable, we didn't sleep with your husband. You need to go and be angry with him, not us. Please do not try to remain like you're innocent in it all. I'd take the blinders off and look again!

[Marie1973]

Thanks Monday

 

You seem like a very nice mature woman.

 

Yes Debster we will see what happens in July!

[Debster]

And do you expect anyone to believe that the word 'flying fu7k' was so offensive to you that it caused such a personal attack? C'mon, be serious.

 

Once again, I have not been cheated on. So there goes your whole theory.

Whatever, I don't care. I'll just sit back and see what happens.

[SweetSerenity]

It doesn't work with me Debster. If you're happily married then why are you here? Since you're happily married your words don't mean s*** to me.

[Debster]

I joined Loveshack years before I met my husband.

 

The fact that I have had my share of bad relationships before, got out of them and was able to find my soulmate is something that I am proud of. I have advice to give to others and hopefully they will be able to learn from my experiences. The fact that you think because I am happily married my advice is worth nothing is your opinion. I post advice in the OW forum because I hope to get people to realize that they deserve more. And I'm pleased to say that some OW have taken my advice or found it to be valuable. Obviously you and Marie1973 don't.

[SweetSerenity]

We'll leave it at that.

[shellys-trying]

well, where OW bashing is concerned, I should be doing it. It's been my nature for a couple years now since OW was half of the reason my marriage ALMOST ended.

However, I have been on this site a whole two days and haven't had one itch to do any OW bashing. I just wanted some insight into how the OW may or may not think where the MM is concerned.

 

I've had some questions answered here and whatever their lives are, the Other Women on here have been TOTAL OPPOSITES to the OW my H went out with.

 

I just realize that not ALL OW are gold diggers, some are like me and want to be loved, but they (some of 'em) get hooked on real stupid guys who are real jerks! As bitter as I was after the affair between my H and the OW ended, I'm glad to FINALLY feel better about the whole thing and what's so ironic is it was a OW who's helped me through it. Go figure!

[d'Arthez]

Originally posted by Marie1973

I am not the one lying & cheating he is & he has to face her everyday, not me.

Of course he may do the cheating and all. But it will rub off on you.

Once you would be married to him, you may be afraid the same thing will happen again, but with you in the position of the wife. Trust would be a serious issue.

Do you think it does not affect his insecurities, his uncertainties and all, once he is in a legitimate relationship with you? And then you may become the "demon" in his eyes, at least in his conversations with other women.

There will be women he meets, of whom you won't know a thing. You will have to have faith in him, that he won't do the same thing to you, as he is doing to his wife at the moment. And that is harder than it sounds, and you know it. You have been kept a secret too.

 

My MM is giving me cash so nothing could be traced. He alwayed cashed his paycheck & kept 1/2 in his pocket his whole life. THey won't be able to track the cash. The apartment, yes but he doesn't care about that.

 

If he has money to burn, why is it necessary in both your estimation to steal bits from the half his wife would be entitled to after a divorce? To allow you to remain at home and to cater for his needs, an agreement he had with his soon to be ex wife? If you are both on $200K jobs a year a measly $200K would not matter much, would it?

 

If he always cashed his paycheck, and kept half of the cash in his pocket, he would have left the money in places of which his wife does not know, but which would be part of the equation in the case of divorce proceedings. You can't suddenly draw money from the bank, without it becoming a noticeable pattern.

my man is not sleazy, he's just in a bad marriage. He is the most wonderful man that i ever met.

You don't wake up one day with the event of a marriage being done unto you, or suddenly having 2 children. You have gotten yourself in a marriage, unless he was permanently drunk since meeting his wife. I highlt doubt that has been the case.

 

Have you met his wife, and had conversation with her for extended times? No. Without doubt she is not the demon MM portrays. If she were, why would he need so much time to divorce her? He would have divorced her even before meeting you. The money would not be the issue, if he has money to burn, as you make it out to be. The kids would not be the issue either. A few years has not made them magically disappear, to say the least.

 

Depending on the age of the children, they may come to side with their mother. And if they find out about you, as the woman in the life of their father, they may never come to accept the relationship their father has. Even without the complication of the affair.

The simplest of slip ups can mean that someone discovers that the two of you were involved before divorce proceedings started. Not nice. And that may mean, that everybody who did not know of the affair may turn against your MM, especially if they know his wife or children.

Yes, even a divorce on the nicest grounds can result in a loss of quality in the relationship with his children. This is something he must figure out for himself, and he has 8 weeks to do so. Hopefully without feeding you more of the mis-information he gave you.

 

I hope for the best in July. There are things that don't seem to add up. And that makes us concerned. We all wish the best for you, Marie1973.

 

Some people sugarcoat it, others will reply bluntly. It does make a huge difference in how people respond to posts.

[whichwayisup]

in my state - if you haven't been separated for a year, the defending spouse can sue both parties for damages.....they can also have them arrested. yes, it is still illegal in my state to live with someone you aren't married to.

 

I'm curious? Which State in the US says it's illegal to live with somebody and not be married to them? (I'm in Canada so that's why I'm asking...)

[MySugaree]

I'm not a divorce lawyer but I seem to remember that a few states have rarely-if-ever enforced alienation of affection criminal statutes. The constitutionality of such statutes, if enforced, after the U.S. Supreme Court's sodomy decision, Lawrence, is now very much in doubt. As it should be.

 

Criminal law has no place in such matters of the heart--no matter how misguided.

[shellys-trying]

yeah, I live in USA and I've never heard of it being against the law to just live with someone!

[LucreziaBorgia]

I haven't seen much done by way of enforcing sodomy laws in my state, but there have been some hefty monetary compensation rewarded to betrayed spouses for alienation of affection and criminal conversation. I doubt its an issue in this case, as its not likely that a divorce is forthcoming.

 

I am still very suspicious about a man who has sex with a woman for a time and then stops for some altruistic reason. I'm thinking there is probably an OOW lurking in the shadows, since he no doubt is beginning to get backed into the corner by this OW. I'm not saying this as a betrayed spouse, since I don't fit that category - but here goes:

 

A man who has need for an OW has a very specific set of needs for her. He has a very specific set of needs for his W, as well. This man probably feels he needs both to function, hence the hesitancy to jump off the fence. Now though, as the time grows near where OW is primed to take the W spot and begin fulfilling W needs - he is going to have to find another OW to pick up where the former OW left off. Men like this don't magically change to adjust themselves so that their needs are met by one person, when it isn't really necessary to do so.

 

As for that - notice that he is cutting your time shorter? Doesn't have as much time for you as before? Isn't as friendly to you in general? Doesn't call as much? Is 'busy' a lot of the time? Keep your eyes WIDE OPEN, Marie. Wide open.

 

Just by allowing yourself to be the OW, by the very nature of your relationship - he knows he doesn't really have to change for you. You have allowed him to sit the fence for this long, and enjoyed what you had together regardless of the situation - so what possible motivation would he have to change? Because he wakes up one day and thinks... "hmmm.. I think I'll just stop being the type of man who needs more than one woman to fulfill my needs."? Nope... Something drastic has to change him.

 

If you don't want to end up being just another woman he has no problem cheating on, then you have to NOT PRESENT YOURSELF AS ONE. Stop all contact. Nada. Tell him as soon as he is legally divorced you can resume contact. He is not allowed to discuss your situation with you, because as long as he is married - there IS NO situation. He may move in when the divorce is final. Since you are wealthy anyway and don't need his money, if he likes, he can open a new account and deposit his "future comfort money" there. If he bothers you at work, tell him you will discuss the issue with human resources. Cut him off. Completely. At work, be a stone wall.

 

Otherwise, you'll remain a doormat.

 

Afraid to lose him? Is a man who would walk away from you, for taking the steps to make the relationship work for you really worth keeping?

[MySugaree]

Afraid to lose him? Is a man who would walk away from you, for taking the steps to make the relationship work for you really worth keeping?

 

I'd say not.

 

What do you say, Marie?

[RecordProducer]

Lucrezia gave you a good piece of advice - to cut him off. If he is really in love with you, he will leave everything and be with you.

But admit it, you're afraid that he will simply forget you! You're afraid to face the truth. He is living a comfortable life. He is probably around 50 years old and has all he needs. He doesn't dream of a fairy tale with you. He LIVES in a fairy tale already!

After all, he knows that life with you won't be a fairy tale anyway cuz he's not in the age when people believe in them anymore.

If he loves you "NO CONTACT" will do the job in your favor.

I really hope that you will break off in July when he doesn't leave. It would be really sad to see you wasting years on a MM.

What is the reason for which he is not leavingyet? He said July... did he say which year? (seriously asking)

[erika2610]

Originally posted by Marie1973

HI

 

Sweetserentinty, i don't let the angry people here bother me 1 bit. So don't worry about that.

I let it go in 1 ear & out the other. The only wrong thing I did here was fall in love with a married man.

Besides that i am doinng nothing wrong, so don't feel 1 ounce of guilt. I am not the one lying & cheating

he is & he has to face her everyday, not me.

 

My MM is giving me cash so nothing could be traced. He alwayed cashed his paycheck & kept 1/2 in his pocket his whole life. THey won't be able to track the cash. The apartment, yes but he doesn't care about that.

 

If the angry people don't like what u read here, do not go into The Other Woman/Man forum.

 

No I won't let this go on passed July, so u guys could make all the bets u want! :-)

 

I honestly could take so much

 

& Solemate, my man is not sleazy, he's just in a bad marriage. He is the most wonderful man that i ever met.

You should be so lucky.

 

Debster, relax with your language. People are giving their opinions here. if u don't like it, don't read it.

 

For those of us that have been with MM.. they were all in bad marriages. And no, you didn't plan to fall in love with a MM. All you did wrong was fall for the wrong person. But you don't think it's wrong to stay with him?

[erika2610]

Originally posted by Marie1973

Thank you SweetSerentity

 

You tell her! I came to this forum to talk to other people in my positition not to get

bashed by angry old women.(Debster)

 

If you don't like what you read, don't read it!

Other people than the OW could read whatever they want.

But be a mature adult & use adult language.

 

What you said below to SS was totally uncalled for:

"Excuse me sweet serenity, but I don't really give a flying fu7k if you are tired of reading people who have an opinion different than you"

 

Be careful miss we could probably just as easy be the OW to your husband!!

I'm sure that wouldn't be a problem at all!! ;-)

 

P.S. If i knew there were people on this forum like Debster, i would have never have posted.

 

But Marie, alot of us HAVE been in your position. All you seem to want to hear is somebody telling you you're doing the right thing.. and that you should wait for him. YOu disregard anything you don't wanna hear. I dont think most people are bashing you.. maybe just not saying things the right way.. but people are trying to help you. And those of us who've been there are trying to save you the heartbreak that's going to come.. just because I've been there doesn't mean I'm gonna tell you what you're doing is right..

[erika2610]

Originally posted by SweetSerenity

It doesn't work with me Debster. If you're happily married then why are you here? Since you're happily married your words don't mean s*** to me.

 

Read the rules again.. you're personally attacking Debster. Stop it..

[jade_nc]

I'm curious? Which State in the US says it's illegal to live with somebody and not be married to them? (I'm in Canada so that's why I'm asking...)

 

NC - a preacher who left his wife to live with his lover was actually arrested for it (2 yrs ago i think). and when i went through my divorce, my lawyer advised me of the law. you also have to be physically separated for 1yr prior to filing. if you engage in an extramarital relationship during that time period, you are subject to alienation of affection statutes.

[Craig]

Originally posted by Marie1973

He gave me $500 to open a bank account in my name so that he could drain more money.

 

He said that he will be giving me $1000 - $1500 a week to put in the bank account. By him giving me this money makes me feel better that he is going to actually leave.

You're being manipulated by him.

[billybadass36]

Marie - you'd be best not to be the recepticle for his stealing marital property from his marital estate. At a minimum you are involved in a criminal conspiracy to defraud and convert marital assets in the event of a divorce proceeding. I'd get yourself a legal opinion on this. If I was your MM's wife's divorce attorney, you'd bet your bootie I'd go finding where this $$ is. If she has even an inkling that he's cheating on her and if she's well-to-do, even if she doesn't know who you are YET, she WILL find out who you are when he moves out, and even the minimal amount of investigative work will locate this money and the person that aided in the syphoning off of marital property. You will be a co-defendant if she's got any sense at all. So, not only are you subjecting yourself to this low-life's repeated false promises, but he's made you a co-consiprator, engaging in fraudulent conveyances and possibly criminal activity depending on your jurisdiction. You have no idea what you're doing. Give him the money back...better yet, give his wife the money back. This is the most underhanded, conspiratorial circumstance that I've ever even heard of. You're not only willing to steal this woman's husband (if that illusory promise ever comes to fruition), but you're stealing her money as well. Wake up. Everyone here has been giving you sound advice and you heed none of it. Actually, I have no idea why I'm throwing my two cents in as it will be disregarded like the rest.

[overseas2004]

I am so sorry to tell you that you are extremely niave. I used to work as a divorce attorney. Quit because I could not stand the sad cases I had to see all the time.

 

The fact that he is draining his assets is of no consequence. The court will order an investigation into his assets or her lawyer will and they will find your apartment and the bank accounts and then he will be scr*wed. So this whole thing that he is hiding the money is a lie he is telling you. If either of you had any brains you would know that you cant hide money really well anymore in todays electronic day and age. Christ, even money launderers are having a hard time with that. Let alone your lying cheating boyfriend.

 

As for what all the others are saying about him paying you money for your time. He is doing exactly that. It is so sinister and ugly and if you were smart you would walk away right now. And you know what... he has done it before. I can tell, he is a professional. He tells you these stupid little things that dont make any sense at all. And you because you love him you want to believe it. Its really sad. I feel for ya...

[glow2]

newsflash for Marie1973.....

 

Guess who else reads the posts on this forum?

 

It's single, attractive women like me, who have had many, MANY opportunities to get involved with married men - but have the brains to say "No fu*king way! I deserve better".

 

I love reading this stuff, it makes me feel so proud and happy, to know I'm not making dumb decisions and ending up in a horrible situation like you.

[DepressedWaiting]

I have an odd request... I'm going to have my MM come here and read through tons of the threads posted in this forum. He truely believes that when I say MM very rarely leave their wives for the OW that it is not true and a very negative way to think. He thinks he knows everything now because he knows at least two other individual men in his life whom divorced for the other women and left their wives. One of these men was his neighbor and lost his waterfront house in the messy divorce.

 

He thinks I'm chatting with a bunch of scorned teenagers or whatnot on some random forum on the internet and that this is where I get all my negativity from. Give me a break!

 

I must admit this forum has REALLY influenced me to open my eyes, that is for damn sure. Big time! I am glad I stumbled upon this place.

 

I want him to come here and read and read and read all the posts so he see's what he is doing to me. I am curious to see his reaction. Seeing that he is a know it all.

[HoldOn]

Yeah, if he wants to prove you wrong, why doesn't he just leave his wife?