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Posted

I was on here two years ago after going through a breakup when I was in a miserable space. I got over it, moved on, and started dating somebody new. The new guy and I were friends for about six months before we started dating. We were each into each other pretty quickly but circumstance didn't allow for us to do anything about it for quite awhile.

 

Two weeks ago, we broke up. Today is the one year anniversary of our first date. I was leaning toward a serious conversation because something was off but he initiated the breakup. No fights ever. Perhaps not the best communication. But we were both kind attentive, and patient with each other. So the breakup, while not a surprise, was a surprise. Not sure how to explain it. He said something was off but didn't know what, he was worried he would regret it and it might be the biggest mistake of his life. Said he didn't know why the breakup but that something was missing which he was unable to define. Was worried he would regret it. Continued to say he was sorry and to cry. Neither of us have ever cried in front of the other before.

 

I accepted it and had to ask him to leave multiple times before he finally left. He didn't bring my things from his place even though he knew he was going to breakup when he came over. I told him I didn't care what he did with my stuff at his place. When I returned his house keys to him, he asked if I wanted mine back from him.

 

Needless to say, it was surreal. He even emailed two of my friends asking them to look after me. HELLO, my friends are always there for me. They don't need you to tell them do this.

 

So in the past two weeks, we have exchanged a couple texts, but nothing significant. I know I should ignore him and we do go a few days between texts but I haven't been able to cut him off completely.

 

This hasn't felt real. And not in a false hope kind of way. It just doesn't feel finished. I'm prepared for it to be finished. But I'm also so calm about this breakup compared to others I have had.

 

Part of me wants him to come back. Maybe a bigger part than the side that says to forget him.

 

Yesterday afternoon he sent a text stating he was "checking in" to see how I was doing. What the hell? So I sent him a long text and email tonight. He replied that he just got home from a long day and is going to bed but will touch base with me tomorrow.

 

GAH. Be gentle please.

Posted

well, it sounds like he cares a great deal for your well being and has a lot of guilt over breaking up with you. Really, it is quite painful to hurt someone by breaking up with them and it sounds like he was trying to do a lot of guilt alleviation, which is probably pretty normal.

 

You said yourself it feels surreal. I don't think it has quite hit you that you two are done, like really, really done.

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Posted

I remember you. And I think you know exactly what this means. "Checking in" is so textbook. And it means exactly squat. Other than an ego boost / ego cleanse for him. Next time he wants to "check in", tell him Motel 6 is down the road, and they left the light on :cool:

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Posted

Uncertainty is toxic. He needs to figure out what exactly he thinks is missing or wrong with the relationship and be the one to initiate the conversation on working it out. Otherwise reconciliation is just delaying the next time he bails because it doesn't feel right. And that type of breakup is so hard to deal with, especially if he is a good guy, which it sounds like he is.

 

It's up to you how long you want to wait for him to figure it out. If you feel calm and able to deal with contact, all the power to you.

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Posted (edited)
He needs to figure out what exactly he thinks is missing or wrong with the relationship and be the one to initiate the conversation on working it out.

 

I wouldn't advise implementing and waiting around for this strategy to work. Most guys (well, people really) don't / won't do this... Think about it. He's already checked out. Why would he want to work on anything? He wouldn't. He won't!

 

To you, it seems surreal and maybe even a mistake. Something worth examining or exploring. I doubt he feels the same. All of this stuff about not leaving, texting, etc. is very textbook dumper 101. He feels bad. Take it for what it was and move on!

Edited by mtnbiker3000
  • Like 1
Posted

Understand he's occasionally checking in FOR HIS needs, not yours. What I mean is it helps him cope or withdrawal easier from that relationship as well. The big picture is he wasn't feeling it any longer and chose to end the R/S.

 

 

Give him credit. He did do it was kindness and class. You make it sound like you were not overwhelmed w/him or the R/S either. Sometimes they simply run their course and end.

 

 

It's your choice to continue to respond to his "check ins". You know the deal. Personally, I'd reply to the next one with "I'm going radio silent so I can move forward. Take care". Then move onto your next great relationship.

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  • Author
Posted

Thanks guys. I know what y'all are saying is true.

 

 

I'm generally in an okay place, but he keeps asking to be friends even though I was clear that if and when that were to happen, it would be a long time from now.

 

 

One of my guy friends suggested he hasn't had many breakups and perhaps doesn't realize the impact of his emails/texts. During our breakup conversation I actually asked him to stop telling me he is afraid he's making a mistake, etc because it would just create a false hope on my part and prevent our ever being friends.

 

 

As much as I hate to do it, I may have to tell him not to contact me again unless he decides he is interested in dating me again. Period.

 

 

I'm beginning to think I'm the emotionally unavailable one to be honest... *sigh*

Posted

 

One of my guy friends suggested he hasn't had many breakups and perhaps doesn't realize the impact of his emails/texts. During our breakup conversation I actually asked him to stop telling me he is afraid he's making a mistake, etc because it would just create a false hope on my part and prevent our ever being friends.

 

 

As much as I hate to do it, I may have to tell him not to contact me again unless he decides he is interested in dating me again. Period.

 

 

Just recognize that you continuing to have any contact w/him is-

 

 

1) Preventing your healing and moving on.

2) Providing a since of "false hope" as you've stated.

3) Is keeping you in limbo and not allowing you to reach acceptance that it's over.

 

 

The highlighted portion you need to challenge yourself on. He's ended it once already. What would really change if he came back again? You need to be mindful that you don't want to be available to him as a "fall back" or 2nd choice should he find his singleness not as attractive as he thought. Dumpers are famous for leaving people on the back burner incase they get lonely, horny or just miss companionship. Sadly, I've done it as well.

 

 

Personally, you'd be much better off cutting contact w/him and moving forward in your healing. You'll then be ready for the next new person to rock your world.

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