DTM Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 OK. This is kind of complicated, so bear with me. I am a single male in my late 20's, never married, no kids. I live on the west coast, but will soon be traveling home to the midwest for a week's vacation. A platonic friend from childhood and high school, who I have seen very little of since age 18, contacted me about 2 months ago via email. "Sherry" and I have since been talking on the phone and corresponding via email daily. Sherry is my age, lives in the midwest, divorced, with an 8-year-old daughter from her marriage. The girl's father lives in Florida and she gets to visit him a couple times a year. Since Sherry became divorced, she dated some, and ended up in the "Brady Bunch-ish" (her words) situation she is in now. She lives with a man (in his house) who is 10 years older, is also divorced, and who also has an 8-year-old daughter from his marriage. The two girls are best friends and refer to each other as sisters (they share a room). Sherry says that the situation "works" but that neither of the two adults want to marry. The situation provides a stable household for the two girls. So I enter the picture because Sherry and I have connected on many levels through our communication in the past couple months. We have both expressed strong sexual and mental interest in each other. However, "The Situation" prevents her from jumping into anything with me, despite our mutual strong feelings for each other. Before you rush to say that Sherry is just looking for a fling or that it is lust or nostalgia, we have talked about all of the above and both feel that there is much more to it than any of those things alone or combined. But, the man Sherry lives with is a good guy, and they do share a bed and bedroom. She broached the subject of her and I spending a day together, and he didn't say that he would stop her, but she decided that it would be wrong, since he would end up watching her daughter while we were gone, and because of how it would make him feel. But, Sherry and I do plan on seeing each other. So anyway, what should I do? My family members are wondering why I would want to get involved in such a thing, but I really can't resist the chance to spend time with Sherry. I have always had a thing for her. Any reasonable and thoughtful advice will be appreciated, and if you have any questions, I can probably answer them. Also, I probably left some things out on accident, so I will add any additional details as I think of them. Thank you.
moimeme Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 Whether or not you have always had a 'thing' for her, that route will lead you to nothing but trouble. Never take up with someone until they have left their current relationship. If the costs to her of leaving outweigh the benefits, then doing without you is the price she will have to pay. To do otherwise would be selfish and eventually cause pain - very likely to you both as well as to anyone else involved. We just can't let our lust or infatuations drag us about as though we are hapless fools.
Craig Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 No matter how you try and rationalize the situation, you, Sherry, her daughter, her sig other and his daughter are in for a world of hurt if you and Sherry act on your mutual feelings while she is involved with someone else. Also, why would you want to get involved with anyone that would cheat on her sig other with you. If the two of you ever became a couple, you could never trust her completely. I think there is more to Sherry's personality than she is letting on. Why did she get divorced? She'll give you her story but what would her ex-husband say the reasons are? Did she have an affair while she was married the first time? Don't listen so much to Sherry's words as to her actions and her actions say that she is a cheater.
Author DTM Posted May 1, 2005 Author Posted May 1, 2005 OK, excellent responses and advice. Thank you. Craig, we are both aware that any cheating is not right. Even though Sherry is not married, her relationship features more fidelity than the majority of marriages out there (her words). So, even though we want to, we realize that we should not act on our feelings given the situation. And as far as Sherry's personality goes, well mostly all I have to go on are her words right now, but I have brought up a similar subject in our discussions. She has told me that nothing like 'this' has ever happened before. The marriage was one that took place because Sherry became pregnant from a boyfriend while a freshman in college, so she did what she thought (and was raised to believe) was right, and married the man. Needless to say, they were not compatible. I do feel that there could be "more to Sherry's personality than she is letting on," but we are attempting to be 110% honest with each other, so I do believe her when she tells me that this is an isolated situation (her & I). I must stress that Sherry and I have been friends since about age 9, but since high school graduation, we haven't kept up. But, I do feel like I know Sherry's true personality. She is very concerned about all the people in the situation, and that is what makes this more complicated.
Craig Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 DTM I think you are honestly struggling with this situation and that is a good thing. Once again I caution you regarding what people say and what they do. You said, "She is very concerned about all the people in the situation, and that is what makes this more complicated." If Sherry truly is 'very concerned' about all the people in the situation she would not have become emotionally intimate with you via a LDR while 'committed' to her current sig other. Sherry and you have a long distance (emotional) relationship (LDR) and it's easy not to see negatives in the other person but to 'fill in the blanks' regarding who they really are. I paraphrase another LS'er LucreziaBorgia from another post that said it another way, "LDR's allow people to nurture that imaginary girl/guy, and build her/him up with all sorts of positive traits that she/he simply does not have." If commitment is something you value in a relationship then ask yourself what commitment does Sherry have to her current sig other? Based on her actions she does not have total commitment to her current relationship with her current sig other. Did that relationship start that way? In other words did Sherry move in with her current sig other as a friends with benefits relationship or was she initially committed to the relationship. Past behavior is a good indicator of what you might expect if you enter a "committed" relationship with Sherry. It could be that she just isn't as mature regarding relationships as you believe she is. If you do want to get involved with Sherry in a committed relationship AND avoid being the rebound it seems to make sense that Sherry sort out her life and be completely single for say at least 6 months before the two of you start any kind of a physical relationship. Would she consider that? There are risks for her to do that, you might change your mind about being with her in the 6 months when she is single and not living with her current sig other. In her mind where would that leave her?
Author DTM Posted May 1, 2005 Author Posted May 1, 2005 Thanks again, Craig. You again make good points, all of which Sherry and I have discussed. In fact, I brought up the "fill in the blanks" stuff very early on, because I was concerned that we were just imagining each other as we used to be (high school, etc) and filling in the unknowns with what we "want to be there." But, we have talked and communicated much since then, so we both feel that there is much more to it than any imaginary or nostalgic feelings could produce. Also, I do not think that I even imagine any traits in Sherry. I am intelligent and experienced enough to know that only through spending time with another person in many different situations over the course of some sort of extended period of time, can one begin to truly know another person and their personality traits. As far as the current sig other relationship: Sherry has explained to me that she tried a period of about a year where she basically made herself stay single, so that she could see if she was one of the types of people who "needs to be with someone." An independence test of sorts. Then, she became involved with a young man, a different sort of relationship where they both agreed that each other could see other people, but that sort of thing never really happened. She described it as a experiment in what happens when jealousy is completely removed from the relationship. They were committed to each other, but acted like they weren't. However, the relationship was not that strong at the time when the current sig other ran into Sherry and asked her out. That was the end of the "experiment" and the start of the current relationship. (I know this all sounds kinda messed-up) Sherry has been true to the current sig other in every way except that he doesn't know the extent of our communications in the past couple months.
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