Boyfriend won't tell me when he's upset

[htx]

I've been with/exclusive with my boyfriend for almost four months. He's amazing in so many ways, so attractive to me, super smart and quick-witted. One thing that had bothered me a bit is he never seemed jealous about anything. I'd ask him if he had a problem with me hanging out with so-and-so, and he'd just smile and say (his favorite phrase), "nah, you do you!" After weeks of this, I started feeling like he just didn't care that much. I've asked him to let me know if he was losing interest - we've both been strung along in the past and know how bad it sucks. He's assured me several times that he's with me because he wants to be with me, and if anything changes, I'll be the first to know.

 

When we're with each other, it's great. He's attentive, we have a ton of fun together. When we're not together, this is where the insecurity sets in. We text throughout the day, and he always responds promptly. So when he ignores me, I get really confused. Sometimes he'll do something with friends (that I've met) and won't invite me, and then the next day tell me about it seemingly to provoke jealousy. I've called him out before, especially when he talks about exes, and he seems apologetic and yet happy that I'm jealous. Sometimes he just completely goes cold on me and I have no idea if he's pissed about something, needs space, or is losing interest. I asked him a couple times and he would just say, work has been stressful lately, we'll eventually be able to hang out more.

 

For awhile I figured he was just the least jealous person in the world, or not that into me. I hung out with his friend a few times, sometimes he would come along too, but his friend lives really close and we both have dogs that like to play with each other so sometimes it would just be us two. Again, I asked him to let me know if it bugged him that we were hanging out with the dogs, and he said it didn't.

 

Well, fast forward to last week, his friend confessed that he had developed feelings for me. I immediately ended the friendship and told my bf. He seemed somewhat amused and somewhat annoyed that his "friend" so boldly hit on me. But I still didn't sense much anger or jealousy. I told him that I was sorry I hung out with his friend enough that he developed feelings. He basically shrugged.

 

So a couple days later we were celebrating a promotion at work at his favorite bar, and a few minutes before we left he drunkenly told me that he is the most jealous person he knows, and me hanging out with his friend pissed him off greatly, and started naming all these instances over the last couple months that really angered him. I was floored. Instead of telling me something bothered him, he would ignore me or exclude me from things or be generally passive aggressive. He said that he's learned from past relationships if you "express jealousy towards a girl, you push her into another guy's arms." I was so hurt that he couldn't be honest. He apologized, but then basically said that it's the way he's wired. He's also very stoic and has never really expressed emotions, but always blamed that on his strict Catholic upbringing.

 

Now I just don't know. His best friend told me he's been burned in the past and puts up a lot of barriers when he likes someone. I want to believe that with time will come trust, but I don't know if I'm just fooling myself. I really like him, and he knows this, but his inability to let me know when something's bothering him is just so frustrating. I tried to tell him that he would NOT be pushing me away if he was just honest and let me know if something I do bothers him, and he said ok, but now I feel like I did something to piss him off on Friday because after i took him to the airport he didn't even thank me (SO unlike him) and he's been sort of cold and unresponsive all weekend. Anytime I ask him if something's wrong, he tells me to stop worrying and that everything's fine.

 

Is there hope for gaining someone like this' trust or will he never stop keeping me in the dark about things that upset him?

[losangelena]

I think you should ask yourself if you're interested in being with someone who will keep things from you. Let your answer guide your future with this guy. It's almost impossible to build trust with someone like that, but if you can stand the constant insecurity, stay. If not, you're better off without him.

[lovexocoach]

Good that you learned about this now. He seems to be putting you through an emotional roller coaster. It could be his way of controlling you and making you feel insecure.

 

Or it could be his way of dealing with his problems where he retreats to his man cave.

 

He did give you a clue about jealousy and expressing emotions - he's learned that certain behavior ruins a relationship. So he doesn't want to repeat that behavior and ruin this relationship.

 

Trouble is, by not expressing his emotions he's hurting the relationship.

 

He might be "wired" that way and/or it might be his Catholic upbringing but he has to grow and be able to express his feelings to you.

 

If he can't or isn't willing to do that then you have to decide whether that's what you want in a boyfriend.

 

He and you should have an understanding that if something is bothering him then he has to tell you so you can discuss it and work through it.

 

That will be hard for him to do so you have to handle it carefully if you want the relationship to survive.

[Versacehottie]

I think he's been trying to act perfectly up until he spilled his guts and now he's embarrassed and mad at himself. I wouldn't take it personally that he's acting distantly now, just let him get over himself. Hmmmm, some guys are jealous. I kinda think it was good that he was trying to be a different person in a relationship with you. Seems like he was trying to be more mature and not let his jealousy become a problem in your relationship (because it has probably caused him great problems before).

 

I can see why you would want honesty in general to be a huge component of your relationship and a certain level of it when it comes to his jealous feelings, but would you really want the flood gates of that to open? Every jealous thought, feeling? I almost think that could lead to him controlling you or you being worried that anything might upset him. I think you need to reassure him when appropriate that you are trustworthy with your actions and your own openness about what you are doing and how special he is to you. I would still expect my partner to keep the majority of his jealous feelings in check and to himself. Jealousy is pretty much insecurity manifested and can be very unattractive and detrimental to a healthy relationship. People don't have to express every inner thought to their partner. Some are just not meant to be shared. Jealous bf's are the WORST. Bottomless pits. If he is generally got it under control, then there's hope.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would stop asking (which can feel like badgering) him if he's ok. The next time you have a relationship status talk I would make it clear that it's not ok to bring up all these past incidences. He has a responsibility to call you out on stuff that's bothering him at the time so it doesn't build up, you guys can address it and move on. Hopefully, he wasn't bringing up past incidences as examples of your behavior to try to explain a point to you because that's not horrible. I think if he has to bring them up when they are minor, he can maybe control because it seems irrational when you look at small things. Lumping them all together took him over the edge. BTW, if he can stick to this plan, you might just find out still that his jealousy is too much. It can start to stifle you and make you not act like yourself in order to keep him stable and that's no good. Good luck.

[fitnessfan365]

Maybe it's just me. But it seems really weird that the OP would hang out alone with her BF's friend at his place.

 

I mean it's natural to hang out with you own friends solo without your s/o. But, when you spend time with your s/o's friends it's always done in a group setting with them present. I don't imagine it would go over too well if I told a GF of mine that I wanted to hang out with a girlfriend of hers alone at her place. Just like it would weird me out if a GF of mine said she had a solo hangout planned with a buddy of mine at his place. To be honest OP, you never should have put your BF in that position and it almost comes off like you did it just to get a rise out of him.

[htx]

A sincere thanks to everyone who responded. He's acting normally toward me again, so he's apparently gotten over whatever it was that was bothering him. I just feel annoyed that now it could be a countless list of things that he might have a problem with but he isn't telling me. I know it's a slippery slope and I shouldn't think that way, but a can of worms was kind of opened, lol. I do still want to give this a shot but for my own sanity, I'll probably see if it gets any better in the next month or two and if it doesn't, I gotta bail for my own sanity. My friend gave me some great advice I feel, she told me to just be authentic and be my half of the kind of relationship I want, to stop trying to mirror him when I get insecure, stop responding coldly when he's cold, etc. I think it's the best advice I've gotten, to stop overthinking things and just be me.

 

Thanks again, guys.

[Versacehottie]

A sincere thanks to everyone who responded. He's acting normally toward me again, so he's apparently gotten over whatever it was that was bothering him. I just feel annoyed that now it could be a countless list of things that he might have a problem with but he isn't telling me. I know it's a slippery slope and I shouldn't think that way, but a can of worms was kind of opened, lol. I do still want to give this a shot but for my own sanity, I'll probably see if it gets any better in the next month or two and if it doesn't, I gotta bail for my own sanity. My friend gave me some great advice I feel, she told me to just be authentic and be my half of the kind of relationship I want, to stop trying to mirror him when I get insecure, stop responding coldly when he's cold, etc. I think it's the best advice I've gotten, to stop overthinking things and just be me.

 

Thanks again, guys.

 

I love your friend's advice. excellent. She should post on this site!

[htx]

Fitnessfan. That's fair. I didn't want to admit it to myself before but there was a twinge of provocation involved there. I actually told my bf that when he told me about his jealousy and said if I had known he was even a little jealous, I would have stopped immediately. I was hurt and lonely and filled my time hanging out with someone who my bf claimed over and over again to not have a problem with. He knows I have primarily guy friends, and it was never an issue (or so I thought) before. Now that I know how he feels, I'm going to just stick with my gfs or in groups. He knows he can join me whenever and wherever. I've never been anything but trustworthy. I get now how shady and inappropriate it was.

[fitnessfan365]

That's just it though. Those guys in question were friends of yours. Not his. There's a big difference.

 

Guys that you're friends with are that way because you feel no sexual attraction to them. There is no risk at all of anything happening. But going to a friend of your BF's place alone is not the same thing. Plus, now you've wrecked the friendship he had with his buddy. I'm just curious what made you think it was a good idea.

[katiegrl]

htx.....since HE refuses to (or is uncomfortable with) displaying HIS jealous ...or any other negative emotions (and not suggesting doing that is right or wrong).....why not mirror his actions..... and next time he does or says something that you feel provokes jealousy in you....YOU refuse to react?

 

IMO, he may be intentionally doing/saying things to provoke jealousy *precisely because* you DO react, thus alleviating any insecure or jealous feelings HE may be experiencing.

 

Which he likes, makes him feel emotionally safe and secure... and will continue doing these things UNTIL "you" stop reacting....giving him a taste of his own medicine so to speak...which may actually be a good thing in this instance.

 

I am a firm believer in "mirroring actions" and still mirror my boyfriend's actions to this day. He needs space...I need space. When he travels, he waits two hours to respond to a text, I wait a couple of hours to respond to his text. At a party, he goes mingling...I go mingling.

 

If he acts aloof, I act aloof... etc etc etc.

 

Basically I follow his lead and don't (or try not to) REACT!

 

Now there are times he behaves like a total asshat (won't go into that...lol)...when reacting is justified.... and necessary, which I have no problem doing either!

 

But for the most part, I let him "be" so to speak, try not to change him and accept who he is...good and bad. Mirroring his actions works for me....as it keeps me balanced...and allows me at least some semblance of control.

 

If I ever start to feel out of control... feeling jealous or whatevs, I adopt the "as if" philosophy... which basically means I act "as if" it does not bother me...that it's not a big deal...this is just who he is, I know he's crazy about me...and after awhile, I really do start to feel that way!

 

I dunno works for me.....works for us.

 

In short, stop reacting! Soon he will realize there is just no point in provoking you anymore, as his doing so is not eliciting the response in you he intended, so why bother?

 

You can never change or control another person's behavior.... you can only change and control your own behavior in response thereto.

Edited June 29, 2015 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

A sincere thanks to everyone who responded. He's acting normally toward me again, so he's apparently gotten over whatever it was that was bothering him. I just feel annoyed that now it could be a countless list of things that he might have a problem with but he isn't telling me. I know it's a slippery slope and I shouldn't think that way, but a can of worms was kind of opened, lol. I do still want to give this a shot but for my own sanity, I'll probably see if it gets any better in the next month or two and if it doesn't, I gotta bail for my own sanity. My friend gave me some great advice I feel, she told me to just be authentic and be my half of the kind of relationship I want, to stop trying to mirror him when I get insecure, stop responding coldly when he's cold, etc. I think it's the best advice I've gotten, to stop overthinking things and just be me.

 

Thanks again, guys.

 

Interesting that your girlfriend advised you to STOP mirroring his actions... and here I come advising you to do just that!

 

I think the difference is....for ME, mirroring his actions comes naturally and from a place of authenticity. Whereas for you, it would not come naturally and thus would not be authentic.

 

So do what comes naturally... and let the chips fall where they may.