portwine Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 I have been involved with this woman for many years who has been separated for a while but still married. Everything was pretty much smooth sailing between us up until about a year ago, when I noticed that her feelings of dissatisfaction that resulted in her looking for "something else" while married were beginning to manifest itself again. She complains a lot about everything, and I see this recurring theme in which she looks for external stimuli to make her happy. She's under a lot of stress and gave me a heads up that she is going to lay low for a while to sort things out, but I'm not buying it. The interesting thing to me is that her NC strategy almost has a passive aggressive quality to it. In other words, it's hard to tell if she's really going NC or if she's actually deploying a silent treatment tactic to punish me, which she has done in the past. I definitely recognize some covert narcissistic traits with her behavior. The bottom line is that I don't know if I'm being punished, if she really needs space, or if she's using this soul searching as a ruse to procure sex somewhere else.
Popsicle Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 What would she be punishing you for? Are you married?
Author portwine Posted June 28, 2015 Author Posted June 28, 2015 (edited) What would she be punishing you for? Are you married? No. I'm single. She has mentioned in the past that our relationship has not progressed beyond the physical realm, and she doesn't understand how I'm able to put up with it. At the same time, she can also be very stand offish, which she ascribes to equanimity and having "an extremely busy schedule". She'll go from being extremely affectionate to treating me like I'm a nuisance who's just being needy. In my opinion, this behavior has nothing to do with the fact that she's separated (still married) and living a double life, but it is some innate character trait. She plays little games and likes to leave you guessing at times; I caught on to that early on and never took the bait and that tends to leave her confounded. Her confident, charming, and affable nature belies the fact that she's insecure. Edited June 28, 2015 by portwine
Mount Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 So whatever you described about her character, or whether she is playing you or not, what you gonna do. If you gonna do nothing, then your point to describe it is to ??? Clearly you do not seem to leave the relationship with her, so just deal with it, I guess. No. I'm single. She has mentioned in the past that our relationship has not progressed beyond the physical realm, and she doesn't understand how I'm able to put up with it. At the same time, she can also be very stand offish, which she ascribes to equanimity and having "an extremely busy schedule". She'll go from being extremely affectionate to treating me like I'm a nuisance who's just being needy. In my opinion, this behavior has nothing to do with the fact that she's separated (still married) and living a double life, but it is some innate character trait. She plays little games and likes to leave you guessing at times; I caught on to that early on and never took the bait and that tends to leave her confounded. Her confident, charming, and affable nature belies the fact that she's insecure.
Popsicle Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 I find it odd that you don't have a problem with her still being married, or that you don't put this at the forefront of your issues with her. Maybe she finds that odd too. 1
Author portwine Posted June 29, 2015 Author Posted June 29, 2015 Simplest explanation? New guy in her life. I was considering that possibility as well, although her disappearing act for a week or two and subsequent demeanor as if nothing ever happened seems to be an ongoing thing. Come to think of it, I confronted her several years ago about her behavior and I think that she mentioned having subjected her husband to the same treatment in the past. Who knows. Anyway, I'm not losing any sleep over it; it's actually kind of nice not hearing her complain about everything in her life for a change. I've been sleeping better than ever actually....
Babs22 Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 I was considering that possibility as well, although her disappearing act for a week or two and subsequent demeanor as if nothing ever happened seems to be an ongoing thing. Come to think of it, I confronted her several years ago about her behavior and I think that she mentioned having subjected her husband to the same treatment in the past. Who knows. Anyway, I'm not losing any sleep over it; it's actually kind of nice not hearing her complain about everything in her life for a change. I've been sleeping better than ever actually.... Why are you in a relationship with someone like this? It sounds awful.
Trimmer Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 I was considering that possibility as well, although her disappearing act for a week or two and subsequent demeanor as if nothing ever happened seems to be an ongoing thing. Come to think of it, I confronted her several years ago about her behavior and I think that she mentioned having subjected her husband to the same treatment in the past. Who knows. Anyway, I'm not losing any sleep over it; it's actually kind of nice not hearing her complain about everything in her life for a change. I've been sleeping better than ever actually.... If this is a pattern with her that you've experienced in the past, is there any reason to believe that there's anything different this time?
Author portwine Posted June 29, 2015 Author Posted June 29, 2015 Why are you in a relationship with someone like this? It sounds awful. It wasn't that bad considering the fact that we're both very independent and not in each other's face on a day to day basis. That being said, her mood swings and hot and cold ways were becoming a cause for concern. Anyway, this is the other woman/man forum, so we can all assume that married people who cheat but don't move on must have major issues.
GypsumSatellite Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 I figure if she needs space, do it by giving her so much space her ego feels the hit and she has a tantrum. What, too harsh? Ha, okay... better yet, disengage from her tactics and drop off into NC yourself. You're a single man... make her worry you've got someone else on your mind. I'm not saying lie about that or purposefully make her jealous... just be unavailable. If she asks what's up, tell her you're just stressed and needing some room to breathe. What's good for the goose...
Author portwine Posted June 29, 2015 Author Posted June 29, 2015 I figure if she needs space, do it by giving her so much space her ego feels the hit and she has a tantrum. What, too harsh? Ha, okay... better yet, disengage from her tactics and drop off into NC yourself. You're a single man... make her worry you've got someone else on your mind. I'm not saying lie about that or purposefully make her jealous... just be unavailable. If she asks what's up, tell her you're just stressed and needing some room to breathe. What's good for the goose... That's what I've been doing the last couple of days....laying low and going on with my life. However, one thing that I've noticed about her is that she often will just swallow her pride and move on instead of admitting that she might be wrong. I've seen that trend with some of her female friends. Instead of making up and moving on she'll hold onto her grudge and will write people off. She very attractive and successful in life, but her interpersonal skills are bizarre at times. Like I said, I don't think her behavior has anything to do with leading two lives.
lookingforclosure Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 I agree with Gypsum..and that's exactly what i'm doing with my xMM. He had a meltdown and is so stressed and can't handle anymore and feels he must back away right now for he feels he might be pushed over the edge...WHATEVER. He's such a coward, his wife has told him he could get out...so now he's scrambling NC here since Thursday morning...and he can have ALL the space he wants, i'm not the reason he is stressed, HE IS. 2
Author portwine Posted June 30, 2015 Author Posted June 30, 2015 I agree with Gypsum..and that's exactly what i'm doing with my xMM. He had a meltdown and is so stressed and can't handle anymore and feels he must back away right now for he feels he might be pushed over the edge...WHATEVER. He's such a coward, his wife has told him he could get out...so now he's scrambling NC here since Thursday morning...and he can have ALL the space he wants, i'm not the reason he is stressed, HE IS. I think the same thing is happening in her life. She's realizing that being on her own is not as easy as she thought it would be, even with lots of her own money in the bank. She's been separated for a long time, but not divorced. I saw her recently in a public setting and she didn't even acknowledge me; I could tell that it was not so much indifference on her part but rather a hostile (passive aggressive) move to piss me off. Socializing with everybody for a while and ignoring me....lol! The reason I get the last laugh is because you must be one f**** up individual to resort to high school like antics to annoy someone when you're in the middle age stage of your life. The point I'm trying to make to all of you out here in affair-land is that the married WS you are involved with most likely is a overt or covert narcissist. All you are is a source to feed into their insatiable need to for attention and adoration, but don't think for one minute that you will ever have a normal relationship with them, should they get divorced. It's not part of their DNA - they are of a different species who can't relate to this idea of empathy. When they do seem compassionate towards you it most likely is intellectual and not genuine. 5
GypsumSatellite Posted June 30, 2015 Posted June 30, 2015 There's no covert to my MMs bad behaviors at all. Let's just say any man who gets nervous and tries to deflect your interest away from a certain subject because you begin reading a book about how to identify sociopaths probably knows what he is and is terrified you'll figure it out, too. 4
Author portwine Posted July 4, 2015 Author Posted July 4, 2015 There's no covert to my MMs bad behaviors at all. Let's just say any man who gets nervous and tries to deflect your interest away from a certain subject because you begin reading a book about how to identify sociopaths probably knows what he is and is terrified you'll figure it out, too. Mine is def. more covert and adept at playing games. I saw her the other day at this venue we both visit, and that she knows I frequent on certain days. She was doing her own thing and we struck up a conversation that happened to be very cordial and all, but no plans were made to see each other again. She said she was doing fine and I left it at that. What's rather confounding to me is that if she really wanted to blow me off, like she's been doing the last couple of weeks, why on God's green earth did she show up knowing that we will engage in conversation? This thread would probably be a better fit for a forum dealing with personality disorders I guess. Her hot and cold behavior is so frickin' odd. When she writes you off, you literally don't exist, but she can surreptitiously reappear in your life and act as if nothing has ever happened.
NewLeaf512 Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 That's what I've been doing the last couple of days....laying low and going on with my life. However, one thing that I've noticed about her is that she often will just swallow her pride and move on instead of admitting that she might be wrong. I've seen that trend with some of her female friends. Instead of making up and moving on she'll hold onto her grudge and will write people off. She very attractive and successful in life, but her interpersonal skills are bizarre at times. Like I said, I don't think her behavior has anything to do with leading two lives. you said it yourself in an earlier post. she is a classic covert narcissist. You are supply. get out quick
RainDown Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 Mine is def. more covert and adept at playing games. I saw her the other day at this venue we both visit, and that she knows I frequent on certain days. She was doing her own thing and we struck up a conversation that happened to be very cordial and all, but no plans were made to see each other again. She said she was doing fine and I left it at that. What's rather confounding to me is that if she really wanted to blow me off, like she's been doing the last couple of weeks, why on God's green earth did she show up knowing that we will engage in conversation? This thread would probably be a better fit for a forum dealing with personality disorders I guess. Her hot and cold behavior is so frickin' odd. When she writes you off, you literally don't exist, but she can surreptitiously reappear in your life and act as if nothing has ever happened. Read up on borderline personality disorder.
elaine567 Posted July 31, 2015 Posted July 31, 2015 Mine is def. more covert and adept at playing games. I saw her the other day at this venue we both visit, and that she knows I frequent on certain days. She was doing her own thing and we struck up a conversation that happened to be very cordial and all, but no plans were made to see each other again. She said she was doing fine and I left it at that. What's rather confounding to me is that if she really wanted to blow me off, like she's been doing the last couple of weeks, why on God's green earth did she show up knowing that we will engage in conversation? This thread would probably be a better fit for a forum dealing with personality disorders I guess. Her hot and cold behavior is so frickin' odd. When she writes you off, you literally don't exist, but she can surreptitiously reappear in your life and act as if nothing has ever happened. I guess she was hoping for some sort of forward movement in your relationship - she alluded to that when she asked you why the relationship hadn't progressed past the physical on your part. She is now separated, you were supposed to step up to the plate and take the relationship to the next level. When your didn't and just moseyed along doing your own thing - she waited and got more upset and is now "punishing" you for it. She wanted to make things more serious - hence the cold she "hates" you as you don't love her in the way she wants you to, but she cannot go NC and leave you be, as she most probably loves you too.
Author portwine Posted August 16, 2015 Author Posted August 16, 2015 I guess she was hoping for some sort of forward movement in your relationship - she alluded to that when she asked you why the relationship hadn't progressed past the physical on your part. She is now separated, you were supposed to step up to the plate and take the relationship to the next level. When your didn't and just moseyed along doing your own thing - she waited and got more upset and is now "punishing" you for it. She wanted to make things more serious - hence the cold she "hates" you as you don't love her in the way she wants you to, but she cannot go NC and leave you be, as she most probably loves you too. I don't know about all this. We had a long conversation the other day, and just as I suspected all along, her idea of love is not part of the normal realm of unconditional love. She wants to be adored but will make a B-line for an exit strategy whenever her partner needs genuine support and love; she has a mild fixation with status, image and material things; she doesn't handle stress well; if she feels that you've crossed her she will write you off without an explanation; she has a lack of affect that she ascribes to being cool and level headed. But above all, she is very attractive and charming, and has the ability to put on a coquettish smile.....still hollow inside.
RoseVille Posted August 16, 2015 Posted August 16, 2015 I was considering that possibility as well, although her disappearing act for a week or two and subsequent demeanor as if nothing ever happened seems to be an ongoing thing. Come to think of it, I confronted her several years ago about her behavior and I think that she mentioned having subjected her husband to the same treatment in the past. Who knows. Anyway, I'm not losing any sleep over it; it's actually kind of nice not hearing her complain about everything in her life for a change. I've been sleeping better than ever actually.... Consider it a blessing. I feel the same way about xMM. Looking back, he never had anything positive to say, a positive attitude, a positive outlook. He was always whining - and everything was everyone else's fault. Work, family, friends, his marriage, all were sh*t because of someone else. He is incapable of owning his sh*t, and man, being away from that is so refreshing! 2
bathtub-row Posted August 17, 2015 Posted August 17, 2015 (edited) I dated a guy for a little over a year while I was going through a divorce. He was somewhat possessive of me, but not in a mean-spirited way. He just wanted a great deal of my time and attention. I had a young child at the time, and my ex-husband was driving me nuts. I started dating my bf about 3 weeks after my separation which, in retrospect, was really too soon to get into another relationship. But the relationship was really hard to resist though. We had an instant connection, shared so many interests, had great conversations and really great sex. After about a year passed, I let my bf know that I was starting to feel suffocated by everything going on around me. During this time, I had even developed ulcers. I suggested that I have one weekend to myself so that I could just have some space for awhile. Like most people, he instantly interpreted 'needing space' to mean that I wanted to break up with him. The truth is, if I had wanted to break up with him, that's what I would've done. I loved him dearly but when a person feels pulled in all directions, it can truly wear on them. Ultimately, we broke up and about 3 mos later tried to get back together. It didn't work because he was still angry about me needing space. The funny thing is, during those 3 months that we were apart, I was processing so much in my head, to this day I couldn't tell you what I did during that time. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted. I guess what I'm trying to say is that when someone tells you that they need space, don't take it personally and don't assume that they're lying. There's a part of them that knows they can't put the energy into a relationship that they should. Just let them go and see if they come back. It's a really serious thing to feel suffocated and torn. Having said all of the above, however, I personally hate hearing people complain all the time, and I especially dislike hot and cold behavior. I just want you to know that needing space is sometimes a very real thing. Edited August 17, 2015 by bathtub-row 3
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