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Trying to understand my emotions. Broke NC, he responded well.

Aurora_227

By Aurora_227
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Aurora_227 Member

Aurora_227

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Hi!

 

It's been a little bit since I have posted. A couple months ago, my ex-boyfriend broke up with me because he didn't feel the spark, that something was missing. It was his first relationship, but not mine (we are in our early twenties).

 

I had to ask for space because he kept trying to maintain contact post-breakup. So, for a month, I maintained NC. Then a few days ago I messaged him. A friendly message, which was actually about the Supreme Court's ruling since he's from a progressive state and it was such a big deal to him that our friends have those same rights. So i messaged him saying that the ruling reminded me of him, I hoped he was doing well, and that he was liking his new job. He responded back almost immediately, I responded, and then went on ahead and ended the conversation because I had to do some work.

 

It's getting sticky with our mutual friends. They told me that he stated I had messaged him. Just a statement...which was fine, but they started acting funny and one of them said that he may be confused. I didn't understand why he would be confused and asked if he didn't want to be friends anymore, which would be a big change from how he felt at the beginning (he wanted to maintain a close friendship). I feel like perhaps they believe I'm not ready, as one of them said, "Just be aware of what you want. He hasn't said anything about not wanting to be friends. I think he was just confused that you reached out." Perhaps they had told him not to expect anything from me for a while. I told that friend I may message my ex to clarify my intentions (to just simply open the door for communicating), but I don't think I will. I think I'm just going to leave it alone, and my parents agree as well. If he takes it in a weird way, that's on him, I suppose.

 

Why would he even be confused? The last time he and I spoke, he told me to contact him again if I ever felt ready to again. He left that door open.

 

Honestly, I'm moving on from the breakup. And even though I'm still bummed about it sometimes and disagree with his decision to breakup, I know that there's a good chance we weren't the ones for each other. He was clingy and he thought I wasn't affectionate enough. Doesn't make it hurt any less, I suppose. But I literally have no idea what's going on in his head, and I don't want to keep messaging him. What are your thoughts?

 

Thanks everyone!

learnbyliving Member

learnbyliving

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A lot of times people leave the door open to communication and friendship but they don't think about how long they'll need on their own before they're ok with it.

 

It sounds like he wasn't ready and your text probably caused a setback in his trying to get over you.

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frigginlost Established Member

frigginlost

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A lot of times people leave the door open to communication and friendship but they don't think about how long they'll need on their own before they're ok with it.

 

It sounds like he wasn't ready and your text probably caused a setback in his trying to get over you.

 

Disagree. :)

 

He dumped her.

 

Talking with you probably jarred some feelings. Not a bad thing. Just stay cool about everything and let things play out on their own. Try not to over analyze.

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Aurora_227 Member

Aurora_227

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I actually think both of you may be right - honestly, there is a chance he still may have some sort of feelings towards me, even if it's not enough to get back together. Since there's been silence on my end for a month, which I'm sure he didn't like (as he sent at least one more message after I asked for space), it probably did catch him off guard. Also, I guess, the fact that I was friendly.

 

And thank you! I'm trying to stay cool about it. I just don't want to lose our mutual friends, you know? Especially since they know I did take the breakup hard. They've been pretty cool about it, but I know from experience it's hard to be caught in the middle and deal with a grieving friend. I guess I'll just let him reach out to me, unless you think I should do anything else.

frigginlost Established Member

frigginlost

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I actually think both of you may be right - honestly, there is a chance he still may have some sort of feelings towards me, even if it's not enough to get back together. Since there's been silence on my end for a month, which I'm sure he didn't like (as he sent at least one more message after I asked for space), it probably did catch him off guard. Also, I guess, the fact that I was friendly.

 

And thank you! I'm trying to stay cool about it. I just don't want to lose our mutual friends, you know? Especially since they know I did take the breakup hard. They've been pretty cool about it, but I know from experience it's hard to be caught in the middle and deal with a grieving friend. I guess I'll just let him reach out to me, unless you think I should do anything else.

 

Nope, do not contact him.

 

The ball is now in his court. He knows you're open to communicating. Let him figure out and sort through his feelings. You just keep on going on and living your life.

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Aurora_227 Member

Aurora_227

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I'm sorry, just saw your reply! And I agree, I don't think I should contact him. I'm not holding out hope on getting back together - just living my own life and whatever happens, happens. i'm honestly not even sure if I DO want to get back together. I'm curious though, what kind of feelings do you think I may have jarred with him? Just that it surprised him? I know he was having some difficulty with the breakup, but overall I thought he was okay. Certainly now, anyway.

 

I guess my only concern is what my mutual friends are saying...they said they don't talk to him much about his personal life (which I believe, because he is a private person), so I hope I'm not being depicted as the pitiful ex haha. That's the last thing I want. However, I'm going to try and avoid the ex topic when I'm with them from here on out. I don't want them to feel caught in the middle anyway, thought i know they have my best interests at heart.

Edited by Aurora_227
aloneinaz Established Member

aloneinaz

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Posted

It's clear that you're not over him or that relationship. What was your thought process to text him after 30 days? What value did you see coming from that? He ended the relationship and used the classic "I want to stay friends line".. They only do that to help THEM ease more comfortably out of the relationship vs. a cold turkey, NC ending.

 

 

As far as the mutual friends component, this isn't always a good thing. In many cases after a break up or divorce, people have to separate from mutual friends. It's simply a case where seeing these people and the sharing of information about the ex keeps people stuck and from moving on. You should navigate that carefully and thoughtfully.

 

 

My thoughts are you should stick to full NC and put him in the rear view mirror for good. He's your past. Contacting him has only got your head spinning, looking for insight about his reaction to it. Honestly, you shouldn't care what he thinks. He dumped you and told you he doesn't want you in his life as a partner.

 

 

The dumped always cling to the hope that they will come back to them, apologize all over themselves while sharing how much of a mistake it was. Reality is the reconciliations don't work for 99% of the people. People don't end relationships on a knee jerk reaction. They've thought it through over a period of time and simply don't feel it's working for them and want to find someone else.

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Aurora_227 Member

Aurora_227

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Posted (edited)
It's clear that you're not over him or that relationship. What was your thought process to text him after 30 days? What value did you see coming from that? He ended the relationship and used the classic "I want to stay friends line".. They only do that to help THEM ease more comfortably out of the relationship vs. a cold turkey, NC ending.

 

 

As far as the mutual friends component, this isn't always a good thing. In many cases after a break up or divorce, people have to separate from mutual friends. It's simply a case where seeing these people and the sharing of information about the ex keeps people stuck and from moving on. You should navigate that carefully and thoughtfully.

 

 

My thoughts are you should stick to full NC and put him in the rear view mirror for good. He's your past. Contacting him has only got your head spinning, looking for insight about his reaction to it. Honestly, you shouldn't care what he thinks. He dumped you and told you he doesn't want you in his life as a partner.

 

 

The dumped always cling to the hope that they will come back to them, apologize all over themselves while sharing how much of a mistake it was. Reality is the reconciliations don't work for 99% of the people. People don't end relationships on a knee jerk reaction. They've thought it through over a period of time and simply don't feel it's working for them and want to find someone else.

 

Well...ouch.

 

In a way, yes, you're right. I'm still feeling the sting from the relationship. HOWEVER. I am looking back with far more clarity than I did when we broke up two months ago. I still miss him, yes, but he chose to end it and that's a reality. Of course I want him to think he made a mistake! Most of us do, just to make ourselves feel better about being dumped. That being said, I don't even know for sure that I would want to try again.

 

The point of me messaging him is that I wanted to face the fear of talking to him again/seeing him again. I was experiencing a lot of anxiety about it since we do have mutual friends and he is now living in my small town. Now that I have done so, I do feel better - despite not fully understanding his reaction. And no, it doesn't really matter what he thinks about me. I genuinely believe that he wanted to be friends. If that's changed, then so be it. His loss. I left the ball in his court to see if he chooses to move forward towards a friendship, and that was all my intentions were.

Edited by Aurora_227
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