Thaddius Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 (edited) My girlfriend and I have recently been fighting a lot the past 2 months, which is fine because we have strong personalities but recently they've been escalating a lot more. The fights are over really small things that get blown up. 5 nights(Wed) ago my girlfriend asked me if I was looking for something really serious and implied that she wasn't. I told her that I felt the same way and that I wasn't ready for a super serious commitment yet. I also saw this as a good opening to say whats been on my mind so I also talked about how I've been feeling about us and that I wanted to take a step back and be more casual. She didnt like that idea but in the end she agreed but said that she wanted things to "be the same; talk the same, treat each other the same, behave the same, etc" but without the label. I told her ok. She also told me that she loves me for the first time(i told her 3months ago) and that she wants us to work things out soon. The next day(Thurs) I try it out but at the end of the day she brings up that she feels like im different. I told her that its hard to be the same when we decided to take a step back and that im trying our best. In the end we decided to wait a few days to think about what it is we really want and how we felt and talk about it Sunday. Until then we will be normal(Before the talk the day before). Friday night she decides to go out with some of her friends and I went to a house party of my own. Around 12am she called me and told me that she wanted me to pick her up(she was smashed) and that she wanted to see me, and wanted me there asap. I picked her up within the hour and took her home. She was really unreceptive to my touch that night which made me really confused(like she was mad at me), yet she made such a big deal to have me pick her up. After she goes in her house, she calls me and keeps saying things like, "thank you so much for getting me tonight, most guys Ive dated wouldnt do that", "sorry for being such a burden",etc. I told her its ok and that I wanted to do that. Yesterday morning(Sat) she calls me really early and talks to me for a bit but I guess I was being a little cold/half asleep and we ended it after a while. She went to the gym and hung out with her girlfriends for a bit and throughout the day became really distant. We traded maybe 2-3 texts throughout the day and then at night she asked if I was going out(I was suppose to go downtown for a friend's birthday). But before I had the chance to answer, she followed up with a "can we postpone tomorrows date till later in the day because she had a personal issue to do", 20min later that changed to a "can we postpone tomorrows date altogether to next week, and that shes really sorry". I said "its okay, do what you have to do, no worries but I miss her so Id like to see her sooner than later". She once again apologizes and says that she misses me too but "felt like yesterday nights interaction was really bad..." I asked her why she felt that way and she doesnt reply. Today(Sunday). Still no reply and I'm kindda annoyed at the fact that she never gave me any word back. I tempted to follow up with another text but also feel like maybe I should wait. **edit** A few things about my girlfriend, shes the type to be really slow to opening up to people. Wouldnt even say I like you till a couple months into dating. She also likes to keep a classy image, doesnt like guys(bf or not) seeing her in a mess(being drunk, etc). Shes also more on the introverted side unless shes out at night and had a few drinks. Whats everyones take on this? Can someone explain what she may be thinking or how they see these interactions going?. Edited June 28, 2015 by Thaddius
Grumpybutfun Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 No one can explain what she is thinking, but I can interpret that what you said about being casual has hurt her feelings and tainted any feelings she had for you. If you are casual then you don't worry about love or making concrete plans or her dating other people. If that isn't what you meant, then you need to have another conversation with her and figure out what you both want from the relationship and amicably reach that agreement. She is hurt. She might say she wants casual also, but you told her you loved her merely weeks before then said you wanted casual, so you are the one being confusing IMHO. Good luck, Grumps 2
Author Thaddius Posted June 28, 2015 Author Posted June 28, 2015 (edited) No one can explain what she is thinking, but I can interpret that what you said about being casual has hurt her feelings and tainted any feelings she had for you. If you are casual then you don't worry about love or making concrete plans or her dating other people. If that isn't what you meant, then you need to have another conversation with her and figure out what you both want from the relationship and amicably reach that agreement. She is hurt. She might say she wants casual also, but you told her you loved her merely weeks before then said you wanted casual, so you are the one being confusing IMHO. Good luck, Grumps Thanks for the reply. Yeah I definitely felt like maybe at some parts I was confused, looking back. I told her I loved her 3months ago but because of the constant arguing I feel like I no longer see a clear path in us working out which is making me falter a little. She told me she loved me Wed night(the first night) finally after we had the talk. If she postponing because she doesnt want to have the talk about "us" yet and just wants more time to think about it? Edited June 28, 2015 by Thaddius 1
Grumpybutfun Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 OP, this is a communication disconnect and you need to sit down with her and talk to her like an adult. You two are dancing around each other either due to fear of rejection or serious intimacy issues or insecurity due to past relationships. Fear always makes people behave in confusing ways so figure this out for yourself and then talk to her kindly and with compassion. Sometimes people say what they think the other persons wants to hear. Sometimes they do this because they are self protecting. I can't tell you what she is doing or even what you are doing, but I can tell you that being a healthy human being means doing things from a place of kindness and compassion and not a place of fear. Best, G 3
Gary S Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 The escalating / fighting, the conversation about pulling away from each other (breakup), canceling dates and not wanting to be touched, show that her love level is low. It's probably past the point of no return now. I'd start dating other women, and get out now. If you continue to play with her, she will just reject you over and over again as she has been doing. He who gets out first feels better about the whole deal. When the love plane is going down there is only one parachute. 1
fitnessfan365 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 She claims to "love you" but doesn't want a label. When a woman genuinely loves/cares about you, she doesn't want to share you. So definite contradiction there. But you've said you love her, and are basically doing the same thing. So the whole thing seems off IMO. In the end, it sounds like neither of you know what you want. Even now, you're still referring to her as your GF.
smackie9 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 IMO you shouldn't have to be working this hard to keep a relationship, especially having to take a set back after only 3 months....and all the arguing.....not healthy. You guys lack experience to understand this is going nowhere? Either you both are poor communicators or you both are just not compatible... or both. If the communication is poor there is no hope in hell things are going to get better....maybe you both are just coming to terms that this relationship is coming to an end.
Versacehottie Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Hmmm, I don't have a solution for you but I do think I understand where she is coming from with her mixed signal behavior. You said you wanted to take a step back and be more casual. I'm not saying she's right with how she is behaving after that convo but I certainly understand that would be a normal reaction. She is probably in a very uncertain state so has moments when she makes great leaps to be closer to you (the ily, calling you on friday night) and make everything back on track and does other things which are distant (probably in part due to a lack of over-the-top response from you). Actually I think it's very much the same as a argumentative relationship now playing itself out over different circumstances. She's not in a position to "fight" with you anymore since you are one foot out the door so she does hot/cold. I think she is waiting about today's conversation because she maybe not be ready to make a decision AND also quite likely that she is worried about what you will say and that you will cut it off altogether if there is not more time for you to decide. That's my guess. Don't get too angry about her behavior. Take the space and time that you need/asked for to truly sort out your own feelings. Good luck
Keenly Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 She doesn't want anything serious, but she doesn't want any thing to chang, except for the label. Two Days later she goes out to a party. After the party she gets cold and distant. She either kissed or had sex with some One at that party. When some one says they don't want the labels, it means ideas to bang some one else.
Versacehottie Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 She doesn't want anything serious, but she doesn't want any thing to chang, except for the label. Two Days later she goes out to a party. After the party she gets cold and distant. She either kissed or had sex with some One at that party. When some one says they don't want the labels, it means ideas to bang some one else. Um, no I disagree. She was giving mixed signals in the VERY conversation they had and prior to scaling the relationship back. With her being reluctant to agree to casual relationship but at same time saying she isn't looking for something serious. She is just saying this for show, my guess or to corner OP into real positive action with her. This is just their pattern. She is trying to give him what he says he wants to seem less dependent on him and wavers between wondering if they are good for each other in spite of great feeling for each other but tough to get along. OP I really don't think she kissed or had sex with someone at the party. Why would she ask you to come pick her up? Though the general possibility of her opening herself up soon to other options is very real--that's what no label would indicate. And I'm guessing your stance would have her believing you are open to doing the same. But at the moment there is still great emotion there from her end obviously.
d0nnivain Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 5 nights(Wed) ago my girlfriend asked me if I was looking for something really serious and implied that she wasn't. I told her that I felt the same way and that I wasn't ready for a super serious commitment yet. I also saw this as a good opening to say whats been on my mind so I also talked about how I've been feeling about us and that I wanted to take a step back and be more casual. She didnt like that idea but in the end she agreed but said that she wanted things to "be the same; talk the same, treat each other the same, behave the same, etc" but without the label. I told her ok. She also told me that she loves me for the first time(i told her 3months ago) and that she wants us to work things out soon. Did you two talk about what that means? To me, it seems like you are pulling away & want to see other people. All she seems to have agreed to is to lose a label. What label I have to ask -- the BF/GF label? Are you two still exclusive? Are you allowed to date other people? Really until you both get on the same page about what you are, all you are going to get from her is more of the same. It seems to me she wants more then you are giving her but is giving you lip service to the idea that you want even less, but how much less remains unclear. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Did you two talk about what that means? To me, it seems like you are pulling away & want to see other people. All she seems to have agreed to is to lose a label. What label I have to ask -- the BF/GF label? Are you two still exclusive? Are you allowed to date other people? Really until you both get on the same page about what you are, all you are going to get from her is more of the same. It seems to me she wants more then you are giving her but is giving you lip service to the idea that you want even less, but how much less remains unclear. yes, that's it. Lip service. And a lot of vascillating on her actions because she is trying to work out what that means, navigate it and her emotions, protect herself and will you into action. If you want to be with her as a gf, speak up and figure out how to make it work before it's too late. good luck
wizer Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 My girlfriend and I have recently been fighting a lot the past 2 months, which is fine because we have strong personalities No, it's not fine that you fight a lot because you have strong personalities. That's the most ridiculous thing I ever read. A lot of fighting is a sign of serious relationship issues and inability to effectively resolve conflict. And from what I read in your posts the two of you have anything BUT strong personalities. People with strong personalities don't drink until they're smashed, give mixed messages, "imply" things, or be very slow to open up. You and she don't know how to communicate and it does appear that she's pulling back from you in anticipation of ending things, she "implied" as much which is what got this latest situation going.
LostOnes05 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Stop the texting and call each other. Things can get grossly misconstrued through text messages. They don't really indicate tone or convey any emotion, besides those little emojis. Keep the convo short and to the point.
Author Thaddius Posted June 29, 2015 Author Posted June 29, 2015 We'll its Sunday and I just got back from talking to her at her house. I told her that I wanted to talk to her in person and that I will drop by around 7 and left my phone in my car. At first she said that we should just talk on the phone. But then eventually she agreed to meet. 20min later, she wanted to switch it to a local bakery shop instead of her house. Another 20min later she told me to not come and she insisted on just talking on the phone or pushing it back a week. Lastly, she told me that she wasnt home anymore because she went out with family.(This all happened while I left my phone in the car. I didnt reply in between.) When I finally got to my phone I told her that I was already around the area and that I'm coming by. I told her that I would wait for her to finish her things and its not a problem. When we finally talked, I went in hoping to slap my heart on the table and make things work but she decided against it and said she didnt want to be in a relationship at the moment. I asked her if that is what she really wanted and she says at the moment, "yes". I told her okay, and I ended it on a good note. Said my goodbye and left. Personally I think that shes still unclear on her answer and that maybe by showing up at her house this evening, it pressured her to give an answer and because she wasn't confident, break up was the obvious choice. I think she definitely still has strong emotions for me but perhaps my actions forced her to believe otherwise. But I think a part of me kind of wanted her to end things because I know I wouldn't be able to. Anyways its done. I would love to hear people's opinions on why she decided to just end things. Regardless, this is over. I've harden my heart to let this go. I'm moving on. Thanks for the feedback everyone
Clarence_Boddicker Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 You're no longer in an exclusive relationship with her. You're her FWB, going towards FB, then nothing.
Grumpybutfun Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Her behavior to me suggests that she isn't into you anymore and she is probably seeing someone else. That is why she didn't want to see you and only wanted to talk on the phone. Time to accept that this ship has sailed. Move on, G
GemmaUK Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Having seen your last post as well as the opening post it sounds like she was prepared to work on the RS. You initiated taking a step back which implies to her that you wouldn't have wanted to work on the RS. As we all know RSs take work on both sides. Knowing that you wouldn't be up for that she chose the best option in the situation and to end it.
Versacehottie Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 Oh sh*t! I'm sorry. You didn't say her reasons why she doesn't want to be in a relationship. Could it be that you rushed and forced the Sunday meeting? I thought she said she wanted to wait a bit. It may be that the arguments and hardhead-ness just got to be too much.
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