BriNyc82 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 My ex told me he wants to want a relationship. He is terrified of getting into another relationship because of his past. He's scared to go through another breakup like he had and doesn't want to feel pain like that again. I could see the terror in his eyes when he was saying this. Has anyone felt like they wanted to want it? Seems to me like in theory it's something he wants but it's so far out of reach for him to even want it because it's too scary? I know I. Can't change someone's view of what a healthy relationship is and I can't convince him otherwise. He knows he needs to seek therapy. I am still struggling with moving on because it's not "us" that didn't work. It's all his fears and coping mechanisms that hold him back. We parted ways and it's for the best bc I know what I want out of life. But it just freaking hurts. 1
Yummm Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Some people build up emotional walls in order to protect themselves from that hurt again. I, on the other hand, can't wait to feel that powerful emotion of love again, it was such a crazy rollercoaster that I would never try to stop myself from trying to experience it again, nomatter how much my heart was shattered to pieces. Admittedly, I'm not prepared to go through it again YET, I need time. I guess you really need to give it time and WANT to open up again to experience that powerful emotion which is love
Author BriNyc82 Posted June 28, 2015 Author Posted June 28, 2015 Thanks yum! He admitted that he builds walls and shuts down. I have had terrible breakups in the past too but like you said it still won't stop me from finding happiness. We all have baggage but everyone allows it to affect them differently. He refuses to let go of his prior pain for whatever reason. I know it's not about me but it's so hard not to take this personal. I don't want to be that bitter person like he is. I hate having to accept that I am powerless and that he just isn't ready no matter how amazing I am. 1
Itspointless Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Thanks yum! He admitted that he builds walls and shuts down. I have had terrible breakups in the past too but like you said it still won't stop me from finding happiness. We all have baggage but everyone allows it to affect them differently. I think this goes further than building walls and terrible break-ups. In the end what matters is if we have attained a secure attachment in our childhood or not. Luckily there is something like neuroplasticity. But for about 40 percent of the population it is not as simple as just tearing down emotional walls. You should read up on adult attachment theory and attachment theory in general. 1
Author BriNyc82 Posted June 28, 2015 Author Posted June 28, 2015 Thank you it's pointless! I have read up on some attachment styles and it seems like he would fit into the fearful avoidant. I think it may have something to do with his father. He's on lexapro for anxiety and has some OCD tendencies. He is a people pleaser and avoids conflict at all cost. In spite of all this I know he's a good man. I just wish he could realize that life doesn't have to be so hard. It's so much better when we have a rich life with close relationships. But it's out of my control. He knows he needs help which is the first step. Haven't spoken to him in 5 weeks. I also don't think he is as aware of his issues as I am. I don't think he's ready to really dig deep and confront his fears. 1
Itspointless Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Thank you it's pointless! I have read up on some attachment styles and it seems like he would fit into the fearful avoidant. I think it may have something to do with his father. He's on lexapro for anxiety and has some OCD tendencies. He is a people pleaser and avoids conflict at all cost. In spite of all this I know he's a good man. I just wish he could realize that life doesn't have to be so hard. It's so much better when we have a rich life with close relationships. But it's out of my control. He knows he needs help which is the first step. Haven't spoken to him in 5 weeks. I also don't think he is as aware of his issues as I am. I don't think he's ready to really dig deep and confront his fears. I am sorry BriNyc82. I am familiar with anxiety myself. My ex was dismissive-avoidant. That really became clear in a period of stress of hers: she had a serious medical condition that had came back. She was so awfully hard for herself. there was nothing I could do to change the outcome. It sucks the life out of you. Take care of yourself.
Author BriNyc82 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 Well there we have it. I should have trusted my gut. I saw him on a dating app and when I confronted him about it he was very hostile. I never thought we broke up bc of "us" per de. He made it clear that him being ready for a relationship wasn't about him wanting to be free to date people. That he wasn't going to be dating for a while. Why is it that men can't be alone? Why do they not deal with their issues and jump into the arms of someone else the minute they are alone? I'm mad at myself for actually thinking he had to sort through his issues alone. He told me to leave him alone and that he has moved on and put this relationship in the past. I don't understand how a guy can lead you on, get what he wants and then flip a switch overnight and be mad at ME! He is in denial thinking he did nothing wrong and he claims he's being honest. If he was honest he would have been upfront and just said he didn't feel the connection to me. I could have handled the truth. Not bull**** lies. Let him jump into another feel good short lived relationship just to end up alone again. Sorry for the rant. But I would rather be angry then sad
Itspointless Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 Why is it that men can't be alone? Why do they not deal with their issues and jump into the arms of someone else the minute they are alone? In fact this is what I always am amazed about when it comes to women: its is a human thing. It is much easier to jump than look to the things about yourself that might need some work.
Author BriNyc82 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 As a woman who is very self reflective it's frustrating when they live in denial and don't take responsibility for their actions. They make me feel like I'm the crazy one. I know I'll never get answers bc I'm sure he doesn't even have them
Itspointless Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 As a woman who is very self reflective it's frustrating when they live in denial and don't take responsibility for their actions. They make me feel like I'm the crazy one. I know I'll never get answers bc I'm sure he doesn't even have them I understand your frustration as it really is frustrating. I think you are right about answers, in a way that also is an answer. It is hard if you know that all could be so different if only ... But, that is not how his brain works, or how my ex her brain works. Our answer unfortunately is their flight response.
Author BriNyc82 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 I'll never understand how someone can turn hot and cold and just runaway and not look back. They don't realize how much pain they cause people and now I feel like I'm the crazy one. The funny part is I don't even want him back now that I know how he really is. But I'm still hurting and grieving for the person I thought he was. It seems like he is so mad that I can't move on. I don't think he is being honest with him self and he doesn't Get it. I need to just cut my losses and find someone who is emotionally mature. I am sorry your ex was a flight person too. I guess we should be happy that we are capable of recognizing feelings. I would rather feel pain of losing than never Feeling connected to anyone.
mightycpa Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 I never really looked at it that way. I wasn't eager for it, but it wasn't off the table. I guess I never really worried about "having that feeling", the question was always "how much did I like" somebody? As bad as it hurt, I never had fear that I might feel that way again, and I did, in fact. If you could see terror in somebody's eyes when talking about an old breakup, then that is either a sign that they're not through the grieving, or they never really dealt with it properly. One way or the other, you should be glad that he let you go, before you had terror in your eyes.
Itspointless Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 I'll never understand how someone can turn hot and cold and just runaway and not look back. They don't realize how much pain they cause people and now I feel like I'm the crazy one. The funny part is I don't even want him back now that I know how he really is. But I'm still hurting and grieving for the person I thought he was. It seems like he is so mad that I can't move on. I don't think he is being honest with him self and he doesn't Get it. I need to just cut my losses and find someone who is emotionally mature. I am sorry your ex was a flight person too. I guess we should be happy that we are capable of recognizing feelings. I would rather feel pain of losing than never Feeling connected to anyone. If he indeed is fearful-avoidant, than it will be very very hard for him to change. Most of these reaction are not on a conscience level as the Amygdala takes over from the Neocortex at moments of fear or stress. It would actually mean that he has no trust in others coupled with a low self-image. With insecure attachment it actually are patterns that people used to survive as a kid and are ingrained in their brain. It is sad when you think about it. Also if he is fearful-avoidant than he probably does feel the pain of losing. You seem to have a good mindset about it. You will be al-right, I am sure
learnbyliving Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 OP your ex sounds like mine. Half the excuse was how he's fearful of getting into a committed relationship because his last serious ex was hellish. The other half he's saying he doesn't feel a strong connection to me and he wants to find someone that shares more hobbies. Yet all his current hobbies, some of them quite particular, came from his ex who dominated his life and their relationship. Though he often told me how relieved he was to be out of that situation, and how he appreciated how gentle and thoughtful I am, I'm more convinced than ever he wants to find another bossy btch who will lead him. Point for anyone else in a similar situation… Don't waste another minute waiting for someone to sort their issues out. They might not even work on it and just keep falling back into the same trap.
Author BriNyc82 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 Thank you both. That really did make me feel better. I'm sure he did do me a favor. I guess I didn't know all of his sides before falling for him. I also don't think he can handle knowing he hurt me and feeling guilty about it which is why he gets so mad. Anytime I bring up my feelings he can't handle it. Good feelings or bad. I'm pretty sure he associates with me with pain now and just wants to find someone new where he can play the facade and be who they want him to be. He can't handle being called out n his bull . Why am I still stuck on this and he gets to move on and be happy? He doesn't earn the right to be mad about this situation. I do.
Author BriNyc82 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 @learn- how did you get through it? My ex has a controlling ex too and part of me thinks he let her run the show bc he never stuck up for himself and set clear boundaries or tells people no. I think it's something rooted in their childhood. I am definitely not waiting around. He wanted to try to make it work but I couldn't be with someone who wasn't on the same page and had such a different outlook of what a healthy relationship should be. When I voiced my insecurities he took the bait and ran with it playing the martyr of not wanting to hurt me. No ones that self sacrificing. I know I can't change anyone but just feel so used and played.
learnbyliving Posted July 8, 2015 Posted July 8, 2015 I just read your initial thread; we might as well had the same ex lol. Mine was a good guy too; his actions, not words, made me feel comfortable and secure. Mine ended the rs right at the height too, a week after vacation together. I'm not over it but I'm much better now, besides the occasional bitterness that leads me back to these forums . I just focus on these thinking points: 1. The initial contrast, going from infatuation to nothing, is the hardest part. First, stop analyzing the situation or his psychology. Many of us, myself included, initially believe we have to think the situation through in order to have closure, but it's really a waste of time. Only focus on the bottom line that he's not a part of your future. This might sound cheesy but every time I caught myself thinking about him, I forced myself to say "no, stop. Future, forward." It became a mantra. 2. Stay NC and the pain will dull with time. Don't doubt the brain's amazing capability to heal itself. Once emotions fade, you see that it's not about how you weren't right for him (as he might have said), it's about how he isn't able to fulfill your needs (as you are saying now ). You deserve security. 3. Don't feel used. He was a good guy, and you had good times. If nothing else, he was a good companion for the while that it lasted. 4. Because he was a good guy, that might make it feel worse that it didn't work out. But just because someone is a good person and good to you, doesn't mean they are good for you. You can have someone with his positive attributes and the security of being in a committed relationship. 1
Author BriNyc82 Posted July 8, 2015 Author Posted July 8, 2015 @learnbiving thanks for all those tips. Glad to know I'm not alone. They say actions speak louder than words but I guess you need t have words backed up by intentions as well. I'll take that as a learning lesson in the future. I am a huge over analyzer and it gets me into trouble bc I always want to know, diagnose, understand every minutia of what he was thinking. That also gets me in trouble. He never once made the breakup about "me" which is what confuses me. I think he was too nice and wanted to spare my feelings. It's not a noble thing to do that. Being honest is always less messy in my mind. Can't argue with the truth. I agree with your last statement and thank you. I hope I can be just as happy as I was with him plus having an emotional connection with someone new.
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