Happines Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Earlier this week I posted my story about me breaking up with my boyfriend of two years...in one of my posts I asked if it was normal for the person to simply move on after only one week of break UK and there were some people saying that well what do u expect you broke up with him so clearly he is moving on to someone else and etc Now in my case I broke up with him because he was not treating me too nice...he would chat with too many girls behind my back, would tell me many little lies, we had massive intimacy issues coz he simply didn't like sex in general, he kissed another girl whilst drunk in the club, never did anything nice for me and I started feeling very lonely and depressed...I had many conversations with him of how all these things make me feel and he would always say he is sorry and he will change but never actually did anything...so after the cheating thing and him telling me he wants to marry much later (we had conversation about marriages and children before I moved in to make sure we both want same things) I told him I will b moving out...he had quiet few weeks to u know change something but again it was only words On the day u moved out and few days after he was telling me how I mean the world for him and how he will seek help and will do all it takes to make it work but at the same time he was removing relationship status from Facebook blocking me on watsup I wouldn't see how long he is chattin with girls...I simply told him that I can't do this anymore as he is continuing to hurt me for no exact reason so I said that prob we should not talk to each other anymore I did loads for him and always supported him I have never shouted at him never swore him and always tried to discuss our issues so I was really nice to him However it looks that he moved on to someone new within first week of the break up which was simply a shock to me as I thought that my move will give us time to think and realise what we mean to each other especially after him telling me that I mean the world to him... So I believe that not all the dumpers are a bad guys and I think that if two people really love each other being apart for a little while just makes their feelings stronger as u have time to reflect on your mistakes and can make some changes Now yes I left but him jumping to someone else whilst telling me he loves me so much and will do all it takes I think is an extremely horrible thing to do Could you please share with me your thoughts ? 1
elaine567 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Sorry to say it but his actions showed he was not really that into you, so when you moved out, he merely got a replacement for you. Someone who doesn't like sex with YOU, and is chatting up and kissing other girls in clubs, is not committed to you. Sounds like he was a bit of a player. 2
TaraMaiden2 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 I'm not sure what kind of reassurance you're looking for here... People who dump are not always bad. People who ARE dumped are not always good. Some people deserve to be dumped. Some people are right to dump. Good things happen to bad people, as well as bad things happening to good people, because good things also happen to good people, and because bad things also happen to bad people. In other words - just let it go. Deal with it, accept it, and let it go. It just wasn't working. Period, end of story. 10
dumbass2 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 "his actions showed he was not really that into you" this from a previous poster. When someone moves on to someone else that fast and was with someone while with you, this is it. I'm sure he "was" into you at some point, but things changed for him. As hard as it is just remember this, actions do speak louder than words. The phrase "I miss you" and "I love you" are probably the most thrown around phrases after a break up by the dumper. Again, tell yourself this, they may still love you, but they are no longer "in" love with you. They may "miss" you, but not enough to still be with you. Words are words and after a break up they are just a play on emotions and don't carry very much substance.
erklat Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 When I was in the role of dumper, each time I was an ********* when I look in rearview mirror.
anika99 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 No not all dumpers are bad guys, just like not all dumpees are good guys. If your relationship has become painful then ending it and putting a stop to that pain does not make you a bad guy. As for how your ex could move on so quickly, well it's hard to say without knowing him. There are a number of reasons people move on fast. Sometimes they have psychological issues that prevents them from experiencing a true attachment or love for anyone. People are exposable and replaceable to them. Sometimes take being dumped as a deep rejection and in an effort to soothe their pain and their wounded ego, they quickly find someone else to validate their worth and heal their hurt. Since you broke up with him their is really no point in analyzing him anymore. It's a waste of your mental energy as you will never know why he moved on so quickly unless he can give you a sincere and honest answer. You can only analyze and fix yourself. On that note I have to say that from reading your post it doesn't sound like you really wanted to break up with him but rather manipulate a change in him. You should never break up with someone with the intention of making them bend to your will. You break up with someone when you truly want that person out of your life and you sincerely want to move on without them. I feel like he was doing what you wanted him to do or being the boyfriend you wanted him to be so you broke up with him as a way to teach him a lesson. That is immature and manipulative and will usually backfire on you.
aloneinaz Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 I agree with everyone else that's posted. He simply wasn't that into you which is why he didn't change. Not having sex? Yea, that's a MAJOR red flag. As the others stated, stop spinning your mind on this failed relationship. People end relationships for various reasons and they have the right too. It sounds as though you were correct to end it. People that jump right into another relationship either don't want to be alone, where not emotionally "all in" in there previous one or as mentioned, don't want to deal w/any pain from the failure of the relationship. I know I've ended relationships and felt like a ton of bricks was lifted off my shoulders. When you're not happy in a relationship, getting out of it makes you feel much better. Learn what you can from this relationship and move onto a better one.
OldSoul86 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 I'm not sure what kind of reassurance you're looking for here... People who dump are not always bad. People who ARE dumped are not always good. Some people deserve to be dumped. Some people are right to dump. Good things happen to bad people, as well as bad things happening to good people, because good things also happen to good people, and because bad things also happen to bad people. In other words - just let it go. Deal with it, accept it, and let it go. It just wasn't working. Period, end of story. I agree with TaraMaiden2 fully here. When I ended my relationship, I was the dumper - and I ended it for the benefit of both my ex and I. I want a family, she doesn't want a family. I dumped her (while I was still in love with her - because I didn't want to emotionally checkout and jump into another relationship right away - that would sully the time her and I had together.) Her and I both deserve someone who is better suited for us. It would have been easy to keep her around while grieving the loss - especially in a long-distance relationship, but that's unfair to her. Not all dumpers are bad guys - sometimes dumping someone is done with good intentions for both people and is done in a kind manner. It truly depends on the situation and the people involved in it. Besides, I think that it is peoples' reactions and behaviours after the relationship is over, that truly represent their character.
Author Happines Posted June 28, 2015 Author Posted June 28, 2015 I did not break up with him to manipulate him I simply could not deal with all the things he was doing...and the best solution was to leave...as in regards to teaching him a lesson no I didn't teach him a lesson at all he was the one asking me to give him time to prove himself to which I said ok let's see how things go...he has depression and is taking antidepressants so his behaviour changed loads since taking it and honestly to the bad side...but after me moving out he said quoting that he will seek help and will sort himself out and will do all it takes to make this work I simply told him that I did hear it so many times However if he truly means it I will go with him to doctor and help us work through the problems...now in regards to sex this is his issue for many years and his other relationships ended because of this so no it's not coz he doesn't like it with me...again he promised me many times to go see doctor and try to fix...but he simply did nothing which means he is comfortable with the way he is I as well agree with many of u who say that some people can't b alone and they don't want to deal with their problems so they jump to other relationship straight away and I think he is one of them I dont regret moving out or breaking up but being with him I went through loads and I supported him so much whilst I was getting no support... The only reason why it's sad it's because he moved on so fast whilst asking me to give time for him to fix himself...that to me sounds like manipulation of other persons feelings...however in majority of the cases people don't move on in few days as they take time to grieve and become a better person and that's what I am doing now
changeofseasons Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 No, think about people who finally get the courage to dump their abusive SO. Does that make them a bad person? Absolutely not. You should always put yourself first anyways. Dude sounds like a douche monkey. I think you did the right thing.
Trishern Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Dumpers are not all bad people. You have to dump people when things aren't going your way, that's life. I ended almost all of my relationships before marriage, because they weren't right or I didn't see any future in them. The guy is a player and you weren't the one for him. He proved that by moving on so quickly. I think you should do the same. Mrs T
central Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Dumpers are almost never bad guys. They usually decide to break up for a damn good reason - anything from being cheated on to just being incompatible. If they're not right for you there's no point in forcing things because they'll end one way or another eventually. Better to end things sooner than later if it's not working.
OldSoul86 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Dumpers are almost never bad guys. They usually decide to break up for a damn good reason - anything from being cheated on to just being incompatible. If they're not right for you there's no point in forcing things because they'll end one way or another eventually. Better to end things sooner than later if it's not working. ...and 99 times out of 100 it is better to cut ties because it enables both the dumper and dumpee to find someone better for themselves. It is not fair for both people in the relationship to stay together out of guilt or being unable to be alone. It is better to be alone than with the wrong person. Where a lot of people go wrong I suspect is how they end the relationship. I firmly believe that being upfront, honest, and leaving everything on the table is for the best. Going back and forth, and to and fro ultimately leads to resentment and more hurt feelings. It is best to have a clean breakup and leave no chance for reconciliation if that's what the situation calls for.
Author Happines Posted June 28, 2015 Author Posted June 28, 2015 Thank u guys I definitely feel much better...I think I am still having really hard times processing of what happened...however as most of u said that by moving on so quick he showed his real feelings for me and how much exactly I meant for him I thank God that when he asked me to stay I said no and moved out OldSoul86 what u said exactly hit my heart...he was telling me no stop that he never felt about anyone the way he felt about me that he loves me more then anything and that he will seek help sort himself out and do all it takes for us to work and then working les then 5 days of saying that he was already seeing someone else...i mean i asked him many time that if he was not happy with me we should go separate ways but he always insisted he was very happy and doesn't want anyone else....now I realised it was only words that meant nothing at all...I think there would b much less broken hearts if some people would stop lieing and stop being cowards and when the break up comes just b honest to each other I think I am a bit in this state where I sort of feel bad for breaking up with him and leaving him because I am so used to taking care of him every day...helping when he is ill helping with depressions helping with house cleaning cooking and etc that I am just lost now But thanks again for all the advices...it's really good to get some proper advices from someone who's been in similar situation...it helps me realise that I did a right thing and even know it hurts now I will get better and then will b able to have a very happy life
OldSoul86 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Thank u guys I definitely feel much better...I think I am still having really hard times processing of what happened...however as most of u said that by moving on so quick he showed his real feelings for me and how much exactly I meant for him I thank God that when he asked me to stay I said no and moved out OldSoul86 what u said exactly hit my heart...he was telling me no stop that he never felt about anyone the way he felt about me that he loves me more then anything and that he will seek help sort himself out and do all it takes for us to work and then working les then 5 days of saying that he was already seeing someone else...i mean i asked him many time that if he was not happy with me we should go separate ways but he always insisted he was very happy and doesn't want anyone else....now I realised it was only words that meant nothing at all...I think there would b much less broken hearts if some people would stop lieing and stop being cowards and when the break up comes just b honest to each other I think I am a bit in this state where I sort of feel bad for breaking up with him and leaving him because I am so used to taking care of him every day...helping when he is ill helping with depressions helping with house cleaning cooking and etc that I am just lost now But thanks again for all the advices...it's really good to get some proper advices from someone who's been in similar situation...it helps me realise that I did a right thing and even know it hurts now I will get better and then will b able to have a very happy life With time comes distance, with distance comes perspective. I too struggle with the bad feelings of breaking up with her. You just need to remember that you are ultimately not responsible for him, his happiness, and his well-being. You need to start thinking about what you DO bring to a relationship, not what you took away from him. You're a good partner, focus on that - develop that - hone your craft, but don't forget to learn something from this experience. I think that much like me, you gave way too much in exchange for mere crumbs on his end (much like I did with my ex.) You and I both need to learn that there has to be equality in a relationship. Your partner should do something to enrich your life too, it is not only about giving to someone else, you need to get something out of the arrangement too. We both deserve better.
Author Happines Posted June 28, 2015 Author Posted June 28, 2015 Yes I did give way too much and he simply took me for granted...my problem is that I trust people too much I always think that people don't lie they don't pretend and don't hurt one another but we all know it's not true I will book my first therapist session this week so hopefully that will help a lot at the same time I write down all the bad things that happened in the relationship (and omg how many there were so starts as early as one month into relationship) whenever I start thinking just good things about us being together I quickly grab my notes read it and write some more I think talking with everyone here was a big eye opener to me because I was so in love with him that I honestly I goner everything and simply believed in anything he said despite his horrible actions...you all told me straight up how it all looks so it kind of made me think And very true OldSoul86 what u say that we have to learn the equality in relationship and make sure that our partners put as much effort and love as we do Plus in my case I need to kick myself in a head literally and learn how to walk off earlier from situations like that not wanting two years till it pushes me to depression and loneliness People who love us truly would never hurt us so have to move on and b happy P.S got a preset from my friends today electrical guitar so there you go I will b learning how to play a guitar...an extra hobby and peace to the soul
casey.lives Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 no dumpers are not bad guys. cheaters are.. cruel dumpers are.. but dumping someone can be a reasonable thing
mightycpa Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 (edited) I'm curious why you would care whether he or any of us thinks you're bad or good or whatever. Your reasons, good, bad or indifferent, are yours. You have to live with the consequences of dumping him, or not. Nobody can say that your reasons aren't good enough. Your reasons only have to be good enough for you. You could have broken up with him because you don't like the way he trims his fingernails. If that's important to you, then, you know, who are we to say? We can think it's silly, but we aren't the ones bothered by it and who have to live with it. You are. That's the only person's opinion that counts. Once you both understand and believe what I mean, you'll have grown up a little bit, and you'll be a lot better for it. Good luck. Edited June 29, 2015 by mightycpa
changeofseasons Posted June 29, 2015 Posted June 29, 2015 no dumpers are not bad guys. cheaters are.. cruel dumpers are.. but dumping someone can be a reasonable thing i feel this. its better to let someone know if you've checked out emotionally rather than being strung along.
Author Happines Posted June 29, 2015 Author Posted June 29, 2015 I totally agree with you changeofseasons...in my case I feel like he strung me along cuz I was convenient...even when I asked him many times if he was not happy and wanted to go separate ways and the answer was always no I love u so much...but then after one week of me moving out he us already dating That's a very sad and manipulative person...I found out the side of him that I never knew existed I really do hope that soon I will b happy because every morning I wake up with so many thoughts of him and it's making me so sad that I jump out of the bad shower and run to work asap even if it's super early so that I don't need to think about him I keep thinking that maybe if I would of stayed he would of changed but then I realise how silly does that sound...because he showed me very well that I meant nothing to him But oh well now I need to get better to meet my Prince Charming
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