secret wife Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 I have been married for about a year and a half, I moved across the country to be with my husband, I gave up EVERYTHING to be with him. He didn't tell any of his friends that he had a girlfriend, that i'd moved thousands of miles to live with him, or he was planning on getting married, and he only told one friend (I had to practically force him to do it) that we had got married. I have NEVER met any of his friends, never been introduced and never spoken to any of them. They live about 4-5 hours away, we have been in their area several times. My friends live thousands of miles away and I made sure they knew about him and he has even spoken to my close friends via AIM and phone. They have gotten to know him so I don't think his friends being a few hours away is any excuse. Am I right in feeling like a dirty little secret??? Is it right to feel incredibly sad because I feel hidden? It's hard to make friends in a new place and I thought I would get to know some of them. He has met all of their wives/girlfriends, they met his other girlfriends so I can't help but feel excluded and a bit jealous of his exes being a part of what i'm not. We have a pretty large age gap (more than 10 years) is this a reason to not be accepted or could he be embarrassed? although he says he's not. We just bumped into someone he knew from work in a shop and he introduced me as 'his wife' and it shocked me, I couldn't even stand there and hold a conversation because i've been isolated from everyone he knows for so long, it stunned me to hear him say 'this is my wife'. I am shy as it is, so that is part of the reason. But I can't help but feel if he'd made me feel accepted, and his friends did when I came here that it would be easier to meet people now. He is a very loyal and loving husband in almost every other way. Let me know what you think. Thanks.
suegail Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 It's hard to move so far away from your home and start new. Gosh, I just don't know how to respond, but I guess if I were you, I'd tell him how I feel about the situation. He must have some explanation? yes? no? Do you work? Or do you have a church? I guess I'm wondering if you couldn't make some new friends, people who live in your area, people to socialize with. I can imagine how alone you must feel. I'm sorry it's that way.
Hasmik Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 I can understand how you feel. I am away from home too, living in a different culture. That is never easy. I wouldn’t worry about not being introduced to the friends. People are different and in different cultures there is different attitude towards family relationships and friendship. He loves you and cares about you. The fact that he never tells his friends has more to do with his closeness to his “friends”. Maybe he really doesn’t have the friends in the meaning that you put in it. Maybe he wants a new life, cut of from past, and you both will soon make new friends that are friends for both of you. Try to speak with him about it. It is very important that you communicate openly with your husband and be able to discus everything that bother you. Good Luck
Author secret wife Posted May 2, 2005 Author Posted May 2, 2005 suegail and Hasmik thanks for the advice. I do volunteer work at an animal shelter, but I'm just finding it hard to connect with people my own age. I actually moved from a different country. I didn't want to say so incase someone figured out who I am that knew but, but that's not likely. American girls are completely different from where I come from, England (i'm 20) I just find it hard to relate. A lot of my friends are older guys in bands that I see occassionally when they come to play a show. I think it will be easier when I can go out and enjoy a drink. I was legal to drink in England for the past 2 years, and was drinking 2-3 years before that. So now I come here and feel like a child. I would consider his friends good friends, he has 3 best friends, 1 from high school, 1 he's had about 13 yrs and another is a girl for about 8 years. My husband and I talked online and on the phone all the time before I came to visit the first time and he always told me about her, but it wasn't till I got here permanantly that I discovered they have had sex several times in the past. I never had an issue with him having female friends, and even wanted to become her friend but finding that out shocked me. He didn't even try to tell me! He was hanging out with her all the time and I hadn't a clue what had gone on. Now she won't talk to him, can we say JEALOUSY? I don't think it's as much about making new friends as it is being accepted by his and being part of everything. He lived in a different city untill about 2 months before I came to stay. So I never got a chance to meet them. He went thru some sort of crisis, and shut a lot of people out when he moved (for work). He is also a workaholic and he thought his job and myself was all he needed. He's now figured out he's wrong but some of them (the girl included) don't want to hear from him, he's ruined potential friendships. I just wish I could talk to someone and learn about what he was like back in the day as he's not very clear on his past, I think he learnt to forget. He also has A LOT of aquantences (can't spell that word!) thru music and concerts which is something he was extremely involved in and I just got him back involved in it in some way again, which he loves. He is making an effort but I think he already burned a lot of his bridges. He admits full responsibility and says he's stupid, but it doesn't make it any easier.
RecordProducer Posted May 7, 2005 Posted May 7, 2005 This is very weird. He might be emabarrassed by his friends. Maybe they're total scum and he doesn't want you to see that. If I were you, I would try and find out what's going on and why he's been hiding you. What about his family and relatives? How about his co-workers? Did you know this man well enough before marrying him? Give us some background of your relationship. Make sure he's not also hiding a million $ life insurance policy for you. Maybe he has plans for you to commit a suicide and he gets the money so he doesn't want anyone to get to know you. I am joking... kinda.
Hasmik Posted May 7, 2005 Posted May 7, 2005 Does your husband go and see his friends without you? I am guessing no. So the problem is not in you. He is just cut off from his “friends”. From real friend you cannot hide a wife- believe me. There might be that he is hiding something from past that he doesn’t want you to know. But again if that were “friends” he wouldn’t have to worry. NO time- no friends remember. Your husband works hard and has no time to socialize. He is smart not to take you to meet a lady whom he had sexual relationship with. Most of the time such a meeting ends up bad. My husband took me to see his ex wife, just because they have kids together. She tried to insult me and our relationship in a few ways. Be it not a confident woman as me would end up crying and separating him because of the things she told me. But happened the opposite. SHe ended up calling him and crying on the phone some days later and called me a b*tch(believe me she had no reason for it, i am not the reason for their separation, she left him long before we met. )
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