Hyperfocal Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 So I get cold feet at this point... The most desirable woman on Match this week decides to reply, hmm that is good! So I craft a response that largely answers questions, asks a few, and now the end. When dealing with an approachable, educated 35 year old, from Match. at what point do I hint or offer the lunch date? My first reply, or one after that, there is no algorithm, but some here might have a clue. Thanks,
CarrieT Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 Offer a coffee date - not lunch - for a first meeting. 3
ThisisIt606 Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 You can ask a few more questions in your reply and say something alone the lines of "I'd enjoy getting to know you better and learning more about you-- are you available for coffee sometime next week?" 1
Author Hyperfocal Posted June 27, 2015 Author Posted June 27, 2015 Yes, I hear you. I do not care about paying for a lunch, I've never drank coffee! That's another topic, but true. So I think a lunch date while working (time limit) is not too over the top, eh? I was thinking an Afgan place I freqent that is quaint. Or I could transition the chat to a phone call offer. I can do either, but want to guide the matter gently. Thanks,
angel.eyes Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Do whatever feels right, but don't wait too long. I've had a lot of guys ask me to dinner in their email after my first response. If you're less bold, you could also suggest a phone call in your next email and provide your phone number. Decisiveness is generally an attractive trait. Tentativeness less so. Either way, don't waste weeks messaging back and forth. That generally doesn't end well.
ThisisIt606 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 (edited) Yes, I hear you. I do not care about paying for a lunch, I've never drank coffee! That's another topic, but true. So I think a lunch date while working (time limit) is not too over the top, eh? I was thinking an Afgan place I freqent that is quaint. Or I could transition the chat to a phone call offer. I can do either, but want to guide the matter gently. Thanks, Also try to exchange phone numbers before the first date. I think this makes a number of things easier. 1) you can transition to texting or calling instead of the website 2) you can confirm your date easier and if you might be running late or where to meet 3) post date followup is easier since you already have each others numbers and you don't have to ask for it while on the date. good luck! Edited June 28, 2015 by ThisisIt606
Author Hyperfocal Posted June 28, 2015 Author Posted June 28, 2015 Those seem like good pieces of advice. I had sent the message an hour ago, it ended as follows: I am quite fond of the ----------Palace. I'm not sure what I like more when entering the “Palace,” the Persian music or Tandoori chicken. What's your favorite restaurant in in -----------? So I kind of projected the thought that a lunch date is coming. By sticking my favorite restaurant out there, I am kind of making the call on that (fitting the tradition I guess), but coming short of an invitation. Sound like a strategy? Either way, don't waste weeks messaging back and forth. That generally doesn't end well. Definitely agree, I hadn't had much luck on OLD, then this beautiful MD with an approachable humility responds. There are no unicorns, I know, but this one has potential. Phone call sounds great, but one cannot be strategic in managing phone banter like I can on email, so typically the first 1-2 calls, how long on the phone? Good topics to cover (without eliminating first date topics), maybe how's your day been, pets, so on? I am rather conversant usually, but this one has me a little nervous.
TheBathWater Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 (edited) I've been online dating for years. I think you might be making more work for yourself than is necessary. In my experience, most women who write back to my first email will accept my offer to meet in the next email. I usually include my cell in the second message and tell them to text me so we can make plans to grab a drink. They usually text within a day or two, and we meet shortly after. If not, I go back and forth one more time then try again. Very rarely has this not worked for me. While there's no official 'rule', nothing screams "let's just be friends" more to me than an afternoon lunch. I think you should schedule evening dates whenever possible since sex is a greater possibility at night (even if you have zero intent to sleep with her on the first date - anything to enhance a sexual atmosphere is a plus). If you just schedule a drink or a coffee, it also gives you the option to bail after 20 minutes if it's not going well. With a lunch or dinner arrangement, you're probably stuck now for over an hour. I think it creates more pressure on her too. You both need to feel as relaxed as possible. If I were you, since you didn't explicitly suggest dining out together, I would take whatever she gives you in her response and say something like "Thanks for the suggestion. I'm going to have to put it on my to-visit-soon list. Hey, let's meet up for a drink this week. Why don't you text me at 123-456-7890 and we'll schedule something soon. Looking forward to talking with you." My advice: don't do a phone call or lunch! Keep it simple and casual. Text just long enough to make plans and then meet her. Stay in the driver's seat the whole time. Do not treat her special early on. You might overlook critical flaws that several months from now become deal-breakers for you. If you're feeling very attracted to her and you know it, I would purposefully keep yourself two steps behind how you'd like to act toward her now. Dinner could be a second or third date option once you've established this is someone you want to see again. Just my two cents. Edited June 28, 2015 by TunaInTheBrine
Gary S Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 (edited) Ask for her phone number on the second day (after at least 3 messages). Cell phones are the standard today, most people want to talk on the phone, and you don't tie up your schedule when you negotiate a date on the phone, you get a "live", immediate response. A coffee date is a drive-by - invite her to dinner. You need 45 minutes at least for both of you to determine interest. P.S. - since you telegraphed your move to ask her out, If she responds that means you did not scare her off, you could ask her for her number. What you did was not the best move - but I hope she responds. Edited June 28, 2015 by Gary S
green_tea Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Yes, I hear you. I do not care about paying for a lunch, I've never drank coffee! That's another topic, but true. So I think a lunch date while working (time limit) is not too over the top, eh? I was thinking an Afgan place I freqent that is quaint. Or I could transition the chat to a phone call offer. I can do either, but want to guide the matter gently. Thanks, It's not about paying for lunch, it's about making the first meet as non pressured as possible - can be short if need be. I would not want to meet anyone from online for lunch and would counteract with a coffee offer. You don't have to drink coffee at a coffee shop - they do sell other beverages! 1
Author Hyperfocal Posted June 29, 2015 Author Posted June 29, 2015 So, she and I have communicated, and found that tomorrow night dinner is what fits her schedule. I am fine with that, there will be no terrible surprises with this one specifically, I am not worried. But... I can use a little guidance on date termination: 1) We go to parking lot 2) I make a statement or two about how I enjoyed it, and will contact her for next time. 3) A hug is offered 4) The end? Is this about right? Also, upon meeting, shall I make any compliments about looks? This one looks very good in photos, but I try not to be too shallow, maybe a "Glad to finally meet you, you look great in that (article of clothes)." Thanks folks, you've been a good help.
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