romantic_fool Posted April 30, 2005 Posted April 30, 2005 I've been making slow progress in reconnecting with the world after my ex broke up with me several months ago. We had been together for 4 years, the last 2 in a LDR (her in Toronto and me in NY). I was devasted when she hit me with the news, especially since she says she still loves me, cares about me, thinks I am a great guy, etc. She wants to find the perfect person that fulfils every aspect of her fantasy guy - I was close but not 100% and for whatever reason, she cannot explain what is missing so I cannot seek to fix things. I think she is going through a confusing time in her life as she tries to work out what she needs and wants. I believe that given time and space she will realise that I am the one for her. Maybe I will be available and interested at that point in time if it ever happens, maybe I will not. She wants to remain friends with me. I have read and reread lots of good advice on LS about this. But can't bear to do NC since I don't want to break all linkages for well-founded fear that she will then shrug her shoulders and never get in touch again even if she wants to get back together with me. Plus I do value her friendship. So I have been strict in not contacting her at all recently other than delayed short replies when she contacts me (approx. once a week), usually by email. Going forward, if I speak to her on the phone I will start cutting the conversations short by referring to (fun) things I have going on. Just want to maintain a bare minimum level of contact so that I still register in a positive way in a small spot in her mind. She is planning to visit NY towards the end of May for a long weekend specifically to see her best friend and me. She will stay with her best friend. I know (and she agrees) that we always have a great time when we are out together. Last time she visited NY in January, we went out for dinner and she was all over me (holding hands, kissing, sitting in my lap, laughing) but then switched back to cold and distant when I spoke with her the next day. In fact, a couple of weeks ago, she invited me to visit her in Toronto for the weekend and then changed her mind the very next day because she was concerned that she would have so good a time that it would rekindle her feelings for me. How should I play things when she comes to NY? I was thinking that I should go out with her and ensure we have a very enjoyable time (without bringing up any relationship stuff) so that she is reminded of how well we click. Maybe send a signal that I am also moving on by declining her first suggestion (whatever it is) since "I have something planned at that time but I could do this other time instead". Should I even agree to see her? If so, any tips?
SugarLandGirl Posted May 1, 2005 Posted May 1, 2005 romantic_fool, From what you have posted you sound like you have genuine feelings for her but she is wishy-washy and unable to make up her mind. It sounds like the last two years of a long distance romance have caused some problems there and she is unsure about her committment to you. First you need to ask yourself what you really want. Are you totally in love with her and want to be with her exclusively? If so then you need to tell her and see if she feels the same. If she cannot commit to you then she's got something else going on and is not totally into you. You need to rock the boat and risk being a little more unattainable. Somehow I sense she knows you're sitting around waiting for her so shes playing you. If you give her a dose of uncertainty and change you might rattle her cage a bit and make her snap out of her back and forthing. It's hard to do and you take a chance doing it but don't be so quick to answer her phone calls or agree to meet her. Be sweet and considerate but say "You know I'd love you see you but I have made another committment for that date". Here's some good advice - it's worked for me in the past. When someone is taking you for granted or can't make up their mind about you - introduce an element of uncertainty to instantly reignite passion. Stop being so available and there for her. Just think about this - if a doctor came to you and said "You will lose your vision in three days" - suddenly your vision would become the most valuable thing in your life and you would be scared to death about losing it. Whereas everyday goes by now and you don't think twice about your vision. You need to jolt her a bit and make her realize she has a good thing with you and if she doesn't get it together she'll lose you and someone else will snap you up!
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