Signs that an online platonic friendship is headed to EA territory

June 27, 2015

I've been emailing a girl (not worried about catfishing) who I found on CL platonic personals. She put in her ad that she's in a relationship, but her SO neglects her by spending his time on the computer or phone instead of with her, so she's going to do the same. She made it clear that she's not looking for anything other than a platonic email or text buddy. I'm fine with that as I'm not looking for a relationship. My work is mind numbingly boring & small distractions like emails or texts help pass the time. So far everything seems cool. We have some shared interests to chat about & nothing personal has been shared by either of us. No names, pics, etc.

This is a bit new for me & I want to make sure that nothing inappropriately goes on. I don't want any part of being an OM. I know what my intentions are, but you can't tell what others are until later sometimes. Any advice, experiences or tips would be welcome, especially with boundaries & how to spot if things are going in a bad direction. Please don't tell me that girls & guys can't be platonic friends. I'm friends with a few women & have not nor will not think about sleeping with them.

June 27, 2015

I've been emailing a girl (not worried about catfishing) who I found on CL platonic personals. She put in her ad that she's in a relationship, but her SO neglects her by spending his time on the computer or phone instead of with her, so she's going to do the same. She made it clear that she's not looking for anything other than a platonic email or text buddy. I'm fine with that as I'm not looking for a relationship. My work is mind numbingly boring & small distractions like emails or texts help pass the time. So far everything seems cool. We have some shared interests to chat about & nothing personal has been shared by either of us. No names, pics, etc.

This is a bit new for me & I want to make sure that nothing inappropriately goes on. I don't want any part of being an OM. I know what my intentions are, but you can't tell what others are until later sometimes. Any advice, experiences or tips would be welcome, especially with boundaries & how to spot if things are going in a bad direction. Please don't tell me that girls & guys can't be platonic friends. I'm friends with a few women & have not nor will not think about sleeping with them.

Things you know you wouldn't say to her, if her BF was present.

Things she would be highly unlikely to say, if her BF was within earshot.

In a nutshell....

June 27, 2015

don't do it.

June 27, 2015

If he doesn't know about you - aka if you are a secret - then for her at least, it is probably an EA.

It is a gray area. And of course I am one who thinks boyfriend is different from spouse/live-in as far as betrayal goes (though FTR I have never stolen a boyfriend or anything).

But as interesting as you are, surely there is some single woman out there wh would jump at the chance to email, Red

June 27, 2015

Regardless of how few individuals on this planet can grasp the idea of men and women being perfectly capable of having platonic friendships, I don't think I can emphasize enough how everything is relative. Each individual perceives any situation, relationship, moment in such different way, that it is hard to give concrete advice that is guaranteed to work. You'll find encouragement as well as people who will discourage you from even continuing this. With all that said, it very much depends on you and your character.

You seem composed enough and well aware of your own intentions, there will always be those who question our intentions, no matter how good they may be. Likewise there will be those who will deceive and abuse you, for their own selfish gains. As long as you are careful, considerate and do not cross any boundaries you are unwilling to pass, then you can't go entirely wrong with most type of relationships.

It is very true like others have mentioned, that you must exhibit caution, so you do not disappoint/hurt yourself, as well as enable her in doing something she might regret or that is otherwise meant as a plot of revenge towards her partner. There are people of all ages who find themselves in a crisis, and many genuinely do not know what to do, especially if their SO is neglecting them. Despite all the valid skepticism, which I strongly encourage anyone to be towards everything until they can establish a much clearer image of the situation, there are also those who genuinely seek help and/or guidance to better themselves.

The main concern I do have myself is how you say "she's just going to do as her partner". This is not how I would approach a situation that is making me feel unappreciated and unhappy. Despite that, I more than know that everyone deals with problems in such a variety of ways, that what may seem preposterous to some, is actually a really valid way to deal with something. You'll find people who will disagree with anything, I'm sure this doesn't shock or surprise you.

Without a doubt there are other people out there, that more than likely could give you what you seek. I do however know that it can be challenging to find others who are looking for the same things, even if it there are not many restrictions in the first place. The internet does offer you a great many opportunities to find what you are looking for. I am not one to tell you how to go about this or where to look, but I do believe there are bit better options than CL (Craiglist?), granted that's just my own view and experience.

Be careful and with a healthy dose of common sense, you shouldn't find yourself in too deep water where it suddenly gets uncomfortable. If however anything takes a turn for the worse, than just be a gentleman and kindly relay to her that you don't believe this is good for either of you. The best of luck to you with whatever you choose!

June 28, 2015

If you don't want any part of being an OM, abort this situation. You are on your way to OM-hood.

June 28, 2015

But as interesting as you are, surely there is some single woman out there wh would jump at the chance to email, Red

That's very true. For instance, I'm single and wouldn't mind a platonic friend to chat with to pass the time at work, either. (key word, platonic) I definitely am not interested in listening to any man whine about his current or previous relationship though. That's not my idea of good conversation, haha.

June 28, 2015

I think this is already an emotional affair before you even talk to her!! Perhaps not an affair but certainly not healthy. She said in the add she is only looking for someone to "get back" at her distant bf.

I'd pass on this one and find someone who is in a situation such as yourself.

July 1, 2015

If he doesn't know about you - aka if you are a secret - then for her at least, it is probably an EA.

It is a gray area. And of course I am one who thinks boyfriend is different from spouse/live-in as far as betrayal goes (though FTR I have never stolen a boyfriend or anything).

But as interesting as you are, surely there is some single woman out there wh would jump at the chance to email, Red

Dunno if her SO knows she's looking for text buddies or not. Is that something I should ask her? So what's your definition of an EA? So far everything seems totally normal & innocent. No probing questions & nothing personal from her or me of course. So far everything has been mundane usual stuff. One email a day & no quick replies.

I'm not "interesting", I don't drink that brand of beer or anything for that matter:) You'd be surprised at how few legitimate responses you get from CL ads lol

Regardless of how few individuals on this planet can grasp the idea of men and women being perfectly capable of having platonic friendships, I don't think I can emphasize enough how everything is relative. Each individual perceives any situation, relationship, moment in such different way, that it is hard to give concrete advice that is guaranteed to work. You'll find encouragement as well as people who will discourage you from even continuing this. With all that said, it very much depends on you and your character.

You seem composed enough and well aware of your own intentions, there will always be those who question our intentions, no matter how good they may be. Likewise there will be those who will deceive and abuse you, for their own selfish gains. As long as you are careful, considerate and do not cross any boundaries you are unwilling to pass, then you can't go entirely wrong with most type of relationships.

It is very true like others have mentioned, that you must exhibit caution, so you do not disappoint/hurt yourself, as well as enable her in doing something she might regret or that is otherwise meant as a plot of revenge towards her partner. There are people of all ages who find themselves in a crisis, and many genuinely do not know what to do, especially if their SO is neglecting them. Despite all the valid skepticism, which I strongly encourage anyone to be towards everything until they can establish a much clearer image of the situation, there are also those who genuinely seek help and/or guidance to better themselves.

The main concern I do have myself is how you say "she's just going to do as her partner". This is not how I would approach a situation that is making me feel unappreciated and unhappy. Despite that, I more than know that everyone deals with problems in such a variety of ways, that what may seem preposterous to some, is actually a really valid way to deal with something. You'll find people who will disagree with anything, I'm sure this doesn't shock or surprise you.

Without a doubt there are other people out there, that more than likely could give you what you seek. I do however know that it can be challenging to find others who are looking for the same things, even if it there are not many restrictions in the first place. The internet does offer you a great many opportunities to find what you are looking for. I am not one to tell you how to go about this or where to look, but I do believe there are bit better options than CL (Craiglist?), granted that's just my own view and experience.

Be careful and with a healthy dose of common sense, you shouldn't find yourself in too deep water where it suddenly gets uncomfortable. If however anything takes a turn for the worse, than just be a gentleman and kindly relay to her that you don't believe this is good for either of you. The best of luck to you with whatever you choose!

Actually I don't remember her exact words about how she wants to do the same as her neglectful SO. It wasn't vindictive sounding or I wouldn't have replied. I believe it was something like if you can't beat them, join them. Something about her SO spending all his free time online, so she wants to do the same.

What boundaries would you suggest putting in place?

Do you know of any good sources to find an online or text platonic friends? I'm not looking for a relationship & don't really want to get involved with someone who's looking for one either.

That's very true. For instance, I'm single and wouldn't mind a platonic friend to chat with to pass the time at work, either. (key word, platonic) I definitely am not interested in listening to any man whine about his current or previous relationship though. That's not my idea of good conversation, haha.

I totally agree. I get enough on LS & other forums. I'd rather not discuss relationships, other than brief histories.

I think this is already an emotional affair before you even talk to her!! Perhaps not an affair but certainly not healthy. She said in the add she is only looking for someone to "get back" at her distant bf.

I'd pass on this one and find someone who is in a situation such as yourself.

I should have worded that part better. I think it's a dead relationship & she's given up hope that he will pay attention to her. I don't think she's doing it for revenge, just boredom or loneliness. I agree, it would be better to work things out or leave.

-------------------------

Update. So far nothing has happened that make me worry that things will go in a bad direction. The subject of how we ended up in our states came up. I gave her the brief story of why I moved. She replied the next day with her story & how she's in a bad relationship. I don't mind sharing info about my last toxic Jerry Springerish failed relationship (no incest or transsexuals were involved:) ) & may eventually post it up here. I'm a bit hesitant to ask too much about her current relationship. What's appropriate & not to discuss in those regards? Is general stuff fine, as long as private details are not discussed? Would sending her a disclaimer of sorts be a good bad idea, before talking too much about relationships? Something in the lines of repeating that I'm not looking for a relationship or sex, but only a platonic friend. Would mentioning that I refuse to be involved in any affairs, even non physical ones, be insulting?

July 1, 2015

Why do you have to have a "platonic" RL with a woman?

If you're just looking for someone to chat with to pass the time at work, then why not a guy?

Like some else posted here - you already appear to be in EA territory.

To me EA is when you're spending time, developing feelings, getting to connect/close to someone other than your SO. While no one is 100% a match with their SO, if you're doing something with someone of the opposite sex (or same sex if you're homosexual) more than/instead of with your SO, then why are you with your SO?

While I have not seen it (nor intend to), this sounds like the "Her" movie - where dude is all giddy over a freakin' voice instead of an actual woman. Looks like you are deriving some sort of "Her" situation from this situation, hence EA territory.

July 1, 2015

Why do you have to have a "platonic" RL with a woman?

If you're just looking for someone to chat with to pass the time at work, then why not a guy?

Like some else posted here - you already appear to be in EA territory.

To me EA is when you're spending time, developing feelings, getting to connect/close to someone other than your SO. While no one is 100% a match with their SO, if you're doing something with someone of the opposite sex (or same sex if you're homosexual) more than/instead of with your SO, then why are you with your SO?

While I have not seen it (nor intend to), this sounds like the "Her" movie - where dude is all giddy over a freakin' voice instead of an actual woman. Looks like you are deriving some sort of "Her" situation from this situation, hence EA territory.

Stagnation for one. I'm 100% uninterested in most male centered or related conversation. Not to be sexist but most "male" stuff bores me now, even cars & guns. I've already done most of what I've wanted to in regards to that stuff. Home remodeling keeps my body & hands busy, while my brain feels like it's shrinking. Listening to chatter about sports, beer, chasing girls, cars, hunting, fishing, fake bravado, etc gets old fast. I'm also getting tired of closed minded people who love to complain & hate. Most women are more socially tolerant then guys are. I'm also done with endless requests for always unreturned "favors" that involve my skills & labor. "Hey can you help me weld my trailer?" Translation: I'm cheap & know that you can weld it for me for free. My current response: "Thanks for the offer, but I don't need the practice right now." When I needed something welded, I took a class & bought my own welder. None of my female friends want me to come over to hold their hands while they try to figure out how to change brake pads, with my tools, while drinking beer, arguing on the phone, while their neglected kids are running around screaming.

Dunno about that. I don't have feelings for her & I doubt she does for me either.

I'm single & have been since I moved here. If you still think I'm "your" guy, well dunno what to say about that.

The girl I've been emailing is not someone I'm infatuated with at all. I know almost nothing about her, haven't seen her pics or talked to her.

July 1, 2015

Here is what I consider EA territory - and this is only my opinion:

If they are keeping it a secret from their SO, that is a problem

If they are discussing private details of their relationship with their SO, that is a problem

If they are overtly flirting, showering with compliments and flattering, etc. that is a problem

If you get the sense that they are getting their primary validation from someone other than their SO, that is a problem

Obviously, if it evolved into sexting, photos, blah blah, that would be a problem, but I figure you already know that.

There is a brand of beer called "interesting"? That's weird

July 1, 2015

Here is what I consider EA territory - and this is only my opinion:

If they are keeping it a secret from their SO, that is a problem

If they are discussing private details of their relationship with their SO, that is a problem

If they are overtly flirting, showering with compliments and flattering, etc. that is a problem

If you get the sense that they are getting their primary validation from someone other than their SO, that is a problem

Obviously, if it evolved into sexting, photos, blah blah, that would be a problem, but I figure you already know that.

There is a brand of beer called "interesting"? That's weird

There's no way I could be sure of that.

Yeah that's not something I'd want to talk about or listen to.

None of that, which would be a huge red flag.

I have a feeling she's not getting any validation from her SO. I'm assuming by validation you mean stuff like compliments about their personality?

So far nothing remotely close to that. No requests for pics which I'm fine with. Don't see the need for pics anyways.

Dos Equis, lame joke.

July 1, 2015

Ah, Dos Equis...

Yeah, you don't wanna be like him. He's a dirty old man who is probably riddled with disease....

July 1, 2015

edited as incorrectly placed

Sign In

Signs that an online platonic friendship is headed to EA territory

Recommended Posts

Clarence_Boddicker

TaraMaiden2

casey.lives

autumnnight

StalwartMind

Popsicle

Popsicle

Elleque

Clarence_Boddicker

Gloria25

Clarence_Boddicker

autumnnight

Clarence_Boddicker

autumnnight

spiderowl

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...