Sunshine2016 Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 Hello, I'd really appreciate some advice because I'm beginning to doubt myself and distrust my self judgment. I met this guy about a month and a half ago at the gym. He approached me and told me how beautiful he thought I was etc. We had a brief chat and exchanged numbers then be called me later in the evening and asked if he could take me out. I really don't know how to define the nature of our relationship but he claims to really like me, finds me extremely attractive (has mentioned how beautiful I am over 10 times etc). To cut the long story shut, we've hung out a number of times, we spend time together and have even spent nights together but I've refused all his advances to have sex with me because I'm not comfortable with the idea at this point. To be honest I've had some failed relationships and ideally I'd like the next person I have sex with to be my husband-to-be. I'm 28 years old and after a few failed relationships I'm trying to be very careful. Anyway he's expressed his frustration at my refusal to have sex and assured me that nothing will change if I accede to his request. We've engaged in foreplay ( Kissing, heavy petting but I've adamantly refused to have intercourse even in the heat of the moment/ passion). I get the impression that he's not as nice and as attentive as he used to be but I don't want to assume that it's because I've refused to have sex with him - want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I travelled on holiday recently ( for a week) and we spent time together before I travelled. I got back a few days and asked him if he wanted to meet up on Friday and he responded abruptly "not tonight... I'm busy". No explanation whatsoever which stung me a little bit. So I responded cheekily asking "I'm guessing you're entertaining a lady tonight"? to which he responded "yea, how did you know? You're like a physic". I wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or serious so I asked if he was and he said he was joking and that we'd hang out today ( Saturday). I didn't respond after that until today when I sent him a text asking him if we were hanging out and if so, what time in order to enable me plan my logistics. He responded stating "yeah, later on" and I responded saying "okay, cool". Less than an hour later he sent me another text message saying "let's meet tomorrow instead, I'm busy tonight". So brashly... No explanation, or anything. I was quite hurt and haven't responded yet although I did try to call him once but received no response. Am I being too sensitive? Should I tell him not to bother or should I give him one more chance? These days it seems a woman can't express her disapproval without being labeled "crazy". I just want to know if I'm being too demanding or too sensitive by feeling slighted and hurt and thinking that he could have been a bit more sensitive in his delivery. I'm minded to ask him directly if he's just blowing me off because I'm really not in the frame of mind for mind games. I don't even trust my self-judgement anymore so would really appreciate some advice. Thanks a million for reading... 1
JuneJulySeptember Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 It all depends on what you want in a man in my eyes. I'm a guy who could probably hold out as far as sex for a year, or maybe more, if I really enjoy spending time with the woman as a person. And if I enjoy spending time with that woman, I'll find ways to make that happen. But I'm also definitely not the hot, suave guy who picks up chicks at the gym. If that kind of guy is your cup of tea, then you probably have to give up sex, because he probably gets it regularly, and gets attention from lots of women. Our personalities are based on our life experiences. 1
Author Sunshine2016 Posted June 27, 2015 Author Posted June 27, 2015 Thank you so much for your response. I've heard of stories of people meeting theirs untrue spouses in ransoms places like gyms etc. They say you can never predict or tell when it will happen. But yeah he's definitely a stud: handsome, great physique, smart etc. I've thought about it but I'm not willing to give up sex in order to win him over. I mean he hasn't even done enough to make me trust him enough to go down that route. His words don't mirror his actions. Case in point - canceling on me twice without an explanation. Still not sure how to deal with that- if to decline his offer to meet tomorrow instead, if to express my dissatisfaction with the way he cancelled or if to just ignore it. 2
angel.eyes Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 If I may ask, what do you two have in common besides the fact that he clearly finds you hawt and you think he's a stud? Besides the fact that he keeps trying to have sex with you, physical attractiveness is all you've discussed in this thread. What have you learned about him so far that makes him long-term relationship material? 3
Satu Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 (edited) I wouldn't even think about having sex with anyone until I felt that a deep connection had been made on a 'truest self' level. Anyone one who was not thinking along the same lines would never find their way into my bed. I'm not interested in 'trivial' sex. Edited June 27, 2015 by Satu 2
Vercetti Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 If you're not comfortable with sex, don't think it had much to do with the past. If this was the right guy and something was really there...you would be comfortable. You're beautiful I'm busy tonight, gee why wouldn't you be comfortable with this guy. 4
Author Sunshine2016 Posted June 27, 2015 Author Posted June 27, 2015 If I may ask, what do you two have in common besides the fact that he clearly finds you hawt and you think he's a stud? Besides the fact that he keeps trying to have sex with you, physical attractiveness is all you've discussed in this thread. What have you learned about him so far that makes him long-term relationship material? Thanks so much for your response. Now you ask I realise we probably don't have that much in common. I mean initially he seemed sincere, mature and insightful, warm and driven/ambitious. But as far as habits and mutual interests go, I can't really pinpoint anything/ nothing stands out. Regarding what makes him long - term material, I now realise that all the attributes I believed he possessed seem to be dissipating. Right now what I desire is a committed, sincere and genuinely kind man who takes me seriously. He hasn't been very kind, sincere and attentive as he should be so I guess the writings on the wall. Would you be upset if you were in my shoes and he cancelled on you without an explanation and simply sent a "let's meet tomorrow, I'm busy tonight" after agreeing to meet with you a few hours prior?
CarrieT Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 You are not being too sensitive - this just isn't the right guy for you. After only one month, you barely know him and it sounds like he just was looking for an easy sex partner. That isn't you. You want a guy that will want you as an entire package, not just looks. Move on and don't look back. 3
Author Sunshine2016 Posted June 27, 2015 Author Posted June 27, 2015 I wouldn't even think about having sex with anyone until I felt that a deep connection had been made on a 'truest self' level. Anyone one who was not thinking along the same lines would never find their way into my bed. I'm not interested in 'trivial' sex. Thanks so much for your response. I completely and totally agree with you. He makes it seem like my refusal to have sex with him equates to me rejecting him which is not true. Sometimes I feel like he's just playing on my emotions because surely if had good intentions he'd work hard to develop a deep relationship in order to make me feel comfortable enough and trust I'm enough to go all the way ? 1
Satu Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 Thanks so much for your response. I completely and totally agree with you. He makes it seem like my refusal to have sex with him equates to me rejecting him which is not true. Sometimes I feel like he's just playing on my emotions because surely if had good intentions he'd work hard to develop a deep relationship in order to make me feel comfortable enough and trust I'm enough to go all the way ? It's absolutely fine for him to want it, but he has no right to 'expect it.' When everything is right, and feels right, you will want to do it. To do it before then is to deny yourself a wonderful experience. It should be wonderful. It's meant to be wonderful. Don't settle for anything less. 4
Author Sunshine2016 Posted June 27, 2015 Author Posted June 27, 2015 You are not being too sensitive - this just isn't the right guy for you. After only one month, you barely know him and it sounds like he just was looking for an easy sex partner. That isn't you. You want a guy that will want you as an entire package, not just looks. Move on and don't look back. Thank you for your response. You're probably correct. He was just looking for an easy lay. Before he met me he was sleeping with some chick ( we actually ran into the chick on our second date). I later on saw old butt graphic messages on his phone ( he showed me in a bid to assure me that she was the one pursuing things not him) where she was talking about how "wet" she is, how horny she gets when she thinks about him, praising his sexual prowess etc. So this is a girl who literally wants to have sex with him all the time. They also smoke weed together. I don't smoke weed and I'm not ready to have sex with him ( not because I'm a prude but because I don't feel like we've connected deeply enough). I know it's only been a month and a half but at the same time he behaves like I've denied sex for like forever! He keeps saying "we are adults what's the problem" and my response is "there's no problem but with sex comes responsibilities and consequences!". 1
Popsicle Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 Yeah, he's blowing it, but I must say, it is difficult to be "just friends" with someone you're attracted to, and for damn sure difficult to make out with someone you're supposed to resist. It usually results in me being angry too. Maybe stop the making out and focus on being friends and getting to know each other? 2
katiegrl Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 (edited) Sunshine.... my gut reaction after reading your initial post, was that his harsh responses to you were *intentional* for the purpose of manipulating you to have sex with him.. The manipulation being...you either agree to have sex with me or I will find another woman who will! And I will let you know about her too! Which he did....in a very harsh manner....i.e. it's all manipulation...and it's cruel. Don't fall for it. If it were me, no I would not respond back to his text.....or any future texts. I would block him and delete him and go no contact. He's a manipulator who does not give a rat's rear end about your feelings. He wants sex....period! And no you are NOT being too sensitive! Edited June 27, 2015 by katiegrl 9
Satu Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 Sunshine.... my gut reaction after reading your initial post, was that his harsh responses to you were *intentional* for the purpose of manipulating you to have sex with him.. The manipulation being...you either agree to have sex with me or I will find another woman who will! And I will let you know about her too! Which he did....in a very harsh manner....i.e. it's all manipulation...and it's cruel. Don't fall for it. If it were me, no I would not respond back to his text.....or any future texts. I would block him and delete him and go no contact. He's a manipulator who does not give a rat's rear end about your feelings. He wants sex....period! And no you are NOT being too sensitive! I agree 100%. 1
Versacehottie Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 Yes, I would be upset. However, I don't know that I would go as far as no contact or say over and done with him. Why don't you just say: sorry, I can't make it tomorrow, and leave it (don't suggest an alternative since he is effectively canceling and it's presumptous of him to assume you'll be right there at his beck and call the next day). And then see what happens next. Who he is exactly will come out soon enough. And just keep saying that you don't want to sleep with him until you're in a relationship. I don't know that we have the magic crystal ball to say if he is or isn't for you. Though this behavior isn't helping bulk up the good category. I'd be more concerned when you say you don't have much in common, etc., those sorts of things. It's almost like you can't see a reason to be with him other than he's good looking. Lots of guys will try to push the envelope to test you, btw. Stand firm and they usually respect you more not less. And LOL I don't think you should adjust your own standards to where the guy falls on the good looking range, LOL that one is going to have me laughing all day. If anything, you want to show a good looking guy that you're different than the others and are not so easily swayed by his looks. good luck 1
eleve82 Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 Hello, I'd really appreciate some advice because I'm beginning to doubt myself and distrust my self judgment. I met this guy about a month and a half ago at the gym. He approached me and told me how beautiful he thought I was etc. We had a brief chat and exchanged numbers then be called me later in the evening and asked if he could take me out. I really don't know how to define the nature of our relationship but he claims to really like me, finds me extremely attractive (has mentioned how beautiful I am over 10 times etc). To cut the long story shut, we've hung out a number of times, we spend time together and have even spent nights together but I've refused all his advances to have sex with me because I'm not comfortable with the idea at this point. To be honest I've had some failed relationships and ideally I'd like the next person I have sex with to be my husband-to-be. I'm 28 years old and after a few failed relationships I'm trying to be very careful. Anyway he's expressed his frustration at my refusal to have sex and assured me that nothing will change if I accede to his request. We've engaged in foreplay ( Kissing, heavy petting but I've adamantly refused to have intercourse even in the heat of the moment/ passion). I get the impression that he's not as nice and as attentive as he used to be but I don't want to assume that it's because I've refused to have sex with him - want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I travelled on holiday recently ( for a week) and we spent time together before I travelled. I got back a few days and asked him if he wanted to meet up on Friday and he responded abruptly "not tonight... I'm busy". No explanation whatsoever which stung me a little bit. So I responded cheekily asking "I'm guessing you're entertaining a lady tonight"? to which he responded "yea, how did you know? You're like a physic". I wasn't sure if he was being sarcastic or serious so I asked if he was and he said he was joking and that we'd hang out today ( Saturday). I didn't respond after that until today when I sent him a text asking him if we were hanging out and if so, what time in order to enable me plan my logistics. He responded stating "yeah, later on" and I responded saying "okay, cool". Less than an hour later he sent me another text message saying "let's meet tomorrow instead, I'm busy tonight". So brashly... No explanation, or anything. I was quite hurt and haven't responded yet although I did try to call him once but received no response. Am I being too sensitive? Should I tell him not to bother or should I give him one more chance? These days it seems a woman can't express her disapproval without being labeled "crazy". I just want to know if I'm being too demanding or too sensitive by feeling slighted and hurt and thinking that he could have been a bit more sensitive in his delivery. I'm minded to ask him directly if he's just blowing me off because I'm really not in the frame of mind for mind games. I don't even trust my self-judgement anymore so would really appreciate some advice. Thanks a million for reading... Dick alert. Trash and carry on. 2
eleve82 Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 Dick alert. Trash and carry on. Oh and may I suggest if he asks you to hang out again, you tell him " Not tonight, I'm busy." 2
Grumpybutfun Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 No, you aren't being too sensitive. He is manipulating you into having sex with him. That is what he wants. If he isn't kind and he isn't acting interested except to push his sexual agenda, you need to go NC and find someone who is a better fit for what you want...which is a relationship. Go with your instincts on this one. This stud is a dud. Good luck, Grumps 2
Author Sunshine2016 Posted June 28, 2015 Author Posted June 28, 2015 Thanks so much for all your responses. Very much appreciated. My guy instinct is in alignment with all the comments in this thread but I really needed to hear other opinions to ensure I wasn't being overly sensitive or anything. My head's telling me to refuse to meet up with him today but my heart really wants to- mostly because I want to have a "closing" conversation and put him behind me. I don't know if that's a good or bad idea? but it feels like that's what I need to put this episode behind me, if he continues to carry on this way is which is probably most likely- except his mind set changes. I genuinely want to let him know that I'm perfectly aware of what he's doing and I'm moving on. If he decides to change for the better, all well and good. But I really feel the need to gain some closure by seeing him and discussing with him. I'm mentally disconnecting myself from him/ writing him off so my thinking is what's the worst that could happen? Do you think this is a bad idea? Thanks for reading....
candie13 Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 no closing anything, darling. He's working hard at making you run after him. So.... if I were you, I'd just send a text telling him two things: 1. you are busy tomorrow. 2. if he cancels your plans, you would appreciate if he let you know before hand, so that you can organize your weekend properly. no suggestion of another date, no nothing. If he is indeed not just interested in sex, he should pursue you. To me, it looks like he is trying to break you, so that you give in. To frustrate you and to make you feel as if he is slipping away. Very predictable. I do not believe in drama, blocking and deleting. You are a mature, sensitive, rational woman. blocking and deleting is overly dramatic. Act in a rational way. Best way to single out losers and men interested in sex: watch his actions. Is he consistent? Is he putting up an effort to get to know you - to set up the dates? Behavior is the best indicator, not text. Texting is bs, anyone can write anything to convince people of anything. Stay focused. I'm not gonna lie, it doesn't look good, he looks like scum to me. There are high chances he's only interested in sex. Be prepared for that option. If I am correct, then his emotional involvement is close to zero. So... what sort of closing discussion would you like to have? There may be nothing to close, after all. Not from his side. Basically, you don't need him to get closure... Anyway, for now, do not play by his rule. Make him chase a bit. If he's not biting and stops all contact, you have your answer. Stay strong. If he likes you, he'll eventually call, after a few days of NC. Get the power back. 5
angel.eyes Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Closure? What exactly are you hoping for when you chase after him for closure? That when you confront him, he'll admit that he's been a bad boy who was just trying to get you/pressure you into having sex with him? That's fantasy! He knows what he's doing. The only person who needs to realize what he's doing is you. Nothing that you've mentioned, points to a guy who is serious about finding a life partner. So the question is what do you really want, if you continue to engage and pursue him even after he blows you off? This is someone with whom you have little in common, who has demonstrated that he has a different dating agenda than yours...at least the one you claim to have. What are you really looking for? A "stud" who will someday share your personal messages with his next potential conquest? There's a disconnect between what you say you want and your actual choices. Chase away under the pretext of closure, if you must. But understand where this will go. 2
Versacehottie Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Thanks so much for all your responses. Very much appreciated. My guy instinct is in alignment with all the comments in this thread but I really needed to hear other opinions to ensure I wasn't being overly sensitive or anything. My head's telling me to refuse to meet up with him today but my heart really wants to- mostly because I want to have a "closing" conversation and put him behind me. I don't know if that's a good or bad idea? but it feels like that's what I need to put this episode behind me, if he continues to carry on this way is which is probably most likely- except his mind set changes. I genuinely want to let him know that I'm perfectly aware of what he's doing and I'm moving on. If he decides to change for the better, all well and good. But I really feel the need to gain some closure by seeing him and discussing with him. I'm mentally disconnecting myself from him/ writing him off so my thinking is what's the worst that could happen? Do you think this is a bad idea? Thanks for reading.... No, no, no. Closure????!!! Especially in this case, is just silly. Your head is right. Your heart wants to go because at the back of it all you probably want him to explain and beg you back. Why the rush? If he does it today on his terms, it will be fake and an effort to get sex more likely. If you wait until he reaches out to you, then you will be in power position and he will more likely see you as real dating material. A "closure conversation" is just going to show him that you are emotional and overinvested and not realistic. You need to show him that he is no big deal. Thus, don't accept the date today (you're busy) and don't go so you can break up with, give a piece of your mind to (emotional, "crazy" is what a guy will likely think). I'm really emphasizing again. No one needs to rush!!! You're operating at how fast you are processing your own feelings. Well, he hasn't processed his in context of YOU blowing him off!! If you are meant to be with him, he needs to come to that conclusion so you can have a decent relationship with him. There is no benefit to rushing the relationship--you won't get what you want. You can do exactly the same thing (give him a piece of your mind/dump him) if and when he reaches out to you. If you are truly trying to mentally disconnect, then do it and focus on something else today. Set up another date with someone new. Please don't go. Honestly, if you can learn this lesson it will benefit your dating life. Basically act indifferent when someone treats you dismissively and your actions show you are not interested in him with this treatment. A big meeting to spill your emotions says you are way invested!!
Gary S Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 Guys who still like you don't make date changes at the last minute. 2
Author Sunshine2016 Posted July 4, 2015 Author Posted July 4, 2015 (edited) Thank you all for your insightful responses. They are very much appreciated. Everything happened as you predicted, we eventually ended up meeting up and the summary of it all is we want different things. He's looking for casual fun- but I'm not. Naturally, it's a bit sad when you meet someone who seems really nice and enthusiastic at the initial stage, but ends up being a disappointment. I will miss his company and the fun moments shared but life must go on. He simply wasn't who I thought he was and I made a mistake by trusting him so easily. Lesson learned... Feel a bit deflated, but the feeling will wear off after a few days hopefully. Incidents such as this, make you start to doubt yourself and your self- worth - almost like you just can't " get it right- why always you?". I guess I should focus on people who are emotionally available , this guy wasn't. I should have known when we discussed his dating history and he didn't seem to have much to say. Well, hopefully I'll meet the right match for me, soon. After I split with my ex-boyfriend, I made very careful dating choices- mad at myself for allowing my guard slip and allowing this guy destabilize me for a bit. I wasn't the happiest of persons ( being single at my age creates a void- my twin sister just got engaged) but I had peace Thank you all for your insightful responses. They are very much appreciated. Everything happened as you predicted, we eventually ended up meeting up and the summary of it all is we want different things. He's looking for casual fun- but I'm not. Naturally, it's a bit sad when you meet someone who seems really nice and enthusiastic at the initial stage, but ends up being a disappointment. I will miss his company and the fun moments shared but life must go on. He simply wasn't who I thought he was and I made a mistake by trusting him so easily. Lesson learned... Feel a bit deflated, but the feeling will wear off after a few days hopefully. Incidents such as this, make you start to doubt yourself and your self- worth - almost like you just can't " get it right- why always you?". I guess I should focus on people who are emotionally available , this guy wasn't. I should have known when we discussed his dating history and he didn't seem to have much to say. Well, hopefully I'll meet the right match for me, soon. After I split with my ex-boyfriend, I made very careful dating choices- mad at myself for allowing my guard slip and allowing this guy destabilize me for a bit. I wasn't the happiest of persons ( being single at my age creates a void- my twin sister just got engaged) but I had peace ( ie I wasn't nursing a broken heart or dealing with a break-up which is so draining for me). I was just " living" and taking each day as it came... Thank you so much for your wise and kind words. Edited July 4, 2015 by Sunshine2016 2
Lois_Griffin Posted July 4, 2015 Posted July 4, 2015 He sounds like your typical gym rat who hits on the beautiful women he sees there. He called and asked you out on a date but all your posts just talk about 'hanging out' with him. So should I assume that his desire to 'date' you really just turned into hanging out at each other's place and him constantly looking to get laid? I'd actually rather spend the night alone, eating a TV dinner and binge-watching The Walking Dead. He's a complete waste of skin. 3
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