I'm sure he left me for someone else. What's going on in his head/why is he lying?

[aliroser]

Hello all, I'll try to make this as short as possible.

 

I was with someone for two years and most of the relationship I was dating a very emotionally unavailable man (he's always been this way) He was sweet and kind but most of the time I felt I was leading the way and he was sort of plodding along. I know he loved me but he's certainly one of these men who aren't great being alone and sort of hop/overlap from one thing to the next.

 

Anyway, it wasn't a bad relationship at all but towards the end we were long distance as he works away freelancing. I noticed the calls/texts becoming less frequent and I did some researching and he was working with someone new for a few weeks and like me, she was an artist - though more 'successful'. Now, I have never in the two years worried about him being away or meeting new people but this sudden distancing initiated a pretty bad gut feeling something wasn't 'right' and during that period more and more red flags were being raised and although they were hanging out every night he never mentioned anything about her. There was one night he went AWOL when they went out together and he resurfaced the next afternoon. That wasn't normal of him so looking back, I suspect something happened that night. Anyway, he suddenly started to tell me things like 'I'm not sure how I feel' 'I think I just need to be alone' 'I need to work on myself' but also 'I don't want to lose you. I don't want to break up. I just need space' but my gut feelings was to pull the trigger. I don't think he had the guts to so we broke up. I guessed he had 'feelings' for hat girl but he never admitted it. He's the type of guy who will do ANYTHING to avoid conflict.

But he was devastated, he wanted to know he would meet me again in the future and I couldn't answer. I told him I'm going NC and that was that.

 

Fast forward 4 weeks later it was my birthday, he texts me a happy birthday and asked how I was, I guess as a test to see if I would reply and I did. I thanked him, we had a polite exchange of texts, he asked for my parents new home address so he and his parents could send a housewarming card and also wanted to send back a camera I gave him to fix. I said a card would be cool but no need to worry about the camera, as long as he sent it back at some point..no rush. In the end I got no card or lamp so not sure what that was all about but hey..

 

Then about 2 weeks after that short chat I saw photos of he and that girl together. She was laying on him in the sun and that threw me over the edge, actually that pain was 10x worse than the break up. I had remained classy and dignified during the breakup but after seeing that I needed to break my silence again - and it looked more than friendly. I messaged him about it. I told him I was aware we have broken up and he's free to do whatever he wanted to do but equally - I hoped his reasons for the breakup weren't just excuses to be with someone else. He replied instantly and said he understood how it looked, that they were 'just friends' though and there have never been any feelings for anyone else and he's 'not even had the urge to seek anything else'. But my gut is telling me otherwise. Some more photos surfaced and it's pretty obvious whats happening.

 

I guess whats hurting me is that I feel he gave up on me and left me for someone 'more successful' and I've been left in the dust and on top of that gave him a get out of jail free card. My self-esteem is in the dumps and my ego slightly bruised.

 

Why is he not just admitting that he's seeing her? Is it just to protect his 'good guy' image? Maybe he's hoping I fade out before making anything official.

 

Although I've kept my cool and looked relatively care free throughout the process, I'm desperate to write to him, tell him exactly what I think was going on. I guess just to let him know I wasn't blind. And also he hasn't come out the good guy but I don't know... I was thinking of asking to meet up, just get some closure. The only way he wouldn't is because he's with someone else but as least I'd know then. I just feel I'm owed some sort of explanation.

 

I also feel he's a coward who's lied to himself and everyone else about his feelings just to avoid any upset but in the process and somehow come out winning, he's got me on chill terms with him plus this relationship with the new girl.

 

And the worst part is she's exactly like me - doing the exact same thing but at a higher level so it's not a nice feeling. People are telling me 'you can get success, he'll see what he's missed' but he's kind of already got it. So not even that could make me feel better. I get why he would have fallen for her but it still sucks.

 

I just want advice on this situation/peoples opinions to help me surpass this feeling. Also it feels good just to get it out!

[changeofseasons]

The thing with emotionally unavailable men is that their words dont meet up with their actions. So your gut feeling is right, but its hard to tell because with the EU man, nothing is ever certain and yes they loveeeeeeee to avoid conflict. Girl, i would not worry about whats going on in his head and I would focus on fixing you right now. He obviously did not treat you the way you we're suppose to be treated, so wasting your precious time on him is not worth it.

 

I would suggest that you go NC and block him out completly, the fact that your still in contact shows he has power over you and you need to take your power back, heal and move on. He doesnt want to talk about it anymore, he probably doesnt care, he selfish not being up front with you and letting you move on. They NEVER give closure, I've been seeking that myself and after not getting a yes or no i've decided that the best way is to block him out and focus on me, and honestly i feel like my power is back, i would reccomend you do that as well. For more insight i would read Natalie Lue's books Mr. Unavailible and the Fallback Girl, and No Contact. She also has a blog Baggage Reclaim by Natalie Lue thats very helpful

 

I'm sorry that you're going through this, i know the pain im going through it too. But we need to realize that we deserve better than a man who half-asses relationships and gives no respect.

Edited June 28, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[aliroser]

Thank you so much for this, I will check out them books.

Do you think sending a 'final' message is worth it? I mean, he think's I'm cool with him and he can probably speak to me whenever and think it's ok like you said - he has the power. But is there anything else I can do before the moving on and giving him NC again?

I feel I want to say something to let him know I'm not an idiot and I saw the signs. I hate that he thinks I'm probably there whenever. I guess I didn't want to look desperate/crazy/depressed so I always kept my cool and responded politely.

[No Limit]

He lies because he's a coward. No need to send him a final message, blocking him everywhere will be enough. And should he dare to contact you again, give him a little "How stupid do you think I am you jerk?" and walk away - NC forever after that. There really isn't a reason to stay around 'cause all he will do is lie a little more and make excuses. Waste of time.

[stillafool]

I'm sorry for your pain and welcome to LoveShack. There really is no closure that he can give you. You have to make your own closure. Any questions you have for him will just lead to more that he will not know how to answer or doesn't want to answer. You said yourself he avoids conflict so I doubt he is going to want to tell you what the actual truth is. It's right before your face that he left you for this other girl. Who knows the reason why but begging him for closure is not going to make you feel better. He isn't with you anymore and does have the right to be with other people. The best thing you can do for yourself is to go strict No Contact, block his number, stop spying on them on Facebook and move on. I know it sucks but it's life. Good luck.

[changeofseasons]

Your sending him a final message by blocking his sorry ass out. NC, and i mean actually sticking to it for longer than your usual going out of contact phases, tells him that you respect yourself more than to settle for his BS. So if you want to tell that you know how he's a terrible person you are doing it by getting on with your life.

[casey.lives]

it doesn't matter. he left you for what was better for him. that's the dead truth

[mightycpa]

No more messages... you'll just hate yourself in the AM.

 

You said he didn't have the guts to break up, and you were right. It's that simple, although actually, my gut feeling is that he was just along for the ride with you all along.. probably liked you ok, but not very romantically involved. You were just a girlfriend, and now you're not, and she is, and it bothers you.

 

That's your situation. There's only one thing that can change, and that is whether you'll subject yourself to him any more.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Some people are not ethical. He's one of them. Nothing you can do but try your best to move on. Sending him a last message is useless. He wont care & wont come back. Sorry it sounds so bleak & dark. Look forward to finding someone better.