My Mistakes

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

My story: I'm 44, she's 26. We were together for 5 years. We were engaged; I bought a house for us and co-signed on a car for her. 3 months ago, she tells me she's not happy and hadn't been for a while. She said she was confused and needed space. I broke down because I didn't see it coming and was in shock. Up to this point we had told each other daily that we loved each other and were always together. 1 month later she's moved out and right into an apartment with a male friend she had been talking to a lot before the breakup. I've been in NC ever since with little breaks in it that couldn't be avoided.

 

Mistake #1: The age difference. I had my reservations since we were so far apart in age but love doesn't care about logic. I see now how there were a lot of things we didn't relate on or I'd be talking about something and she'd have no idea what I was talking about. I think eventually that helped push her away. I probably treated her like a kid without realizing it as well.

 

Mistake #2: Communication. I was intensely in love with her...I would have done anything for her. However, I now see that I tend to be reserved with my feelings and probably should have demonstrated to her just how much she meant to me, not justsaying I love you. I did mean it every time I said it, but it does tend to become routine.

 

As a communicator, she was even worse. She's very introverted and tends to just bottle everything in. As a result she was usually very moody and if I asked what was wrong, she just said she was tired. She told me during the breakup that many times she cried to herself in the bathroom over how she was feeling. A lot of our problems could possibly be avoided if she had been honest with me, but I should have been more attentive to her moods.

 

Mistake #3: Dependence. I was previously married for 10 years and it ended badly...lies, cheating etc. Not by me. As a result it was a long time before I was able to trust anyone again. I took a chance with her and it failed. Due to this though I realized I have a tendency to base my happiness on my mate and not myself. As the saying goes, "if mama ain't happy then nobody's happy." I became the whatever you want to do is fine by me guy and basically made few decisions on things. I figured if I did everything she wanted then she would be happy with me. WRONG. I became her doormat and as a result she now has no respect for me. A hard lessons to learn, but a necessary one. I now find things to do that I enjoy (I found a renewed interest in working out, for instance). I'm now going to make sure I have a life separate from who I'm with to keep my identity.

 

Mistake #4: Complacency. Now that I look back, I see that I had become comfortable and boring in the relationship. We were stuck in a routine and the boredom finally helped kill any love she had for me. We did the same thing every day, went to the same places and even had sex pretty much the same every time. I'm now going to make a concerted effort to break up routines and spice things up in the future.

 

It's too late to save this relationship which really hurts, but I am moving on. She's still with the other guy and by all accounts seems happy. I have my doubts that it will last because she hopped right into the relationship but that could be just bitterness talking. All I can do is reflect and learn from this experience so I don't make the same mistakes again. I do still miss her but I know if she doesn't do what I'm doing and learn from this (and I don't think she is) then it would never work for us.

 

All I can do is move forward and try to better myself. That's what we all have to do I guess. Life is learning.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

My story: I'm 44, she's 26. We were together for 5 years. We were engaged; I bought a house for us and co-signed on a car for her. 3 months ago, she tells me she's not happy and hadn't been for a while. She said she was confused and needed space. I broke down because I didn't see it coming and was in shock. Up to this point we had told each other daily that we loved each other and were always together. 1 month later she's moved out and right into an apartment with a male friend she had been talking to a lot before the breakup. I've been in NC ever since with little breaks in it that couldn't be avoided.

 

Mistake #1: The age difference. I had my reservations since we were so far apart in age but love doesn't care about logic. I see now how there were a lot of things we didn't relate on or I'd be talking about something and she'd have no idea what I was talking about. I think eventually that helped push her away. I probably treated her like a kid without realizing it as well.

 

Mistake #2: Communication. I was intensely in love with her...I would have done anything for her. However, I now see that I tend to be reserved with my feelings and probably should have demonstrated to her just how much she meant to me, not justsaying I love you. I did mean it every time I said it, but it does tend to become routine.

 

As a communicator, she was even worse. She's very introverted and tends to just bottle everything in. As a result she was usually very moody and if I asked what was wrong, she just said she was tired. She told me during the breakup that many times she cried to herself in the bathroom over how she was feeling. A lot of our problems could possibly be avoided if she had been honest with me, but I should have been more attentive to her moods.

 

Mistake #3: Dependence. I was previously married for 10 years and it ended badly...lies, cheating etc. Not by me. As a result it was a long time before I was able to trust anyone again. I took a chance with her and it failed. Due to this though I realized I have a tendency to base my happiness on my mate and not myself. As the saying goes, "if mama ain't happy then nobody's happy." I became the whatever you want to do is fine by me guy and basically made few decisions on things. I figured if I did everything she wanted then she would be happy with me. WRONG. I became her doormat and as a result she now has no respect for me. A hard lessons to learn, but a necessary one. I now find things to do that I enjoy (I found a renewed interest in working out, for instance). I'm now going to make sure I have a life separate from who I'm with to keep my identity.

 

Mistake #4: Complacency. Now that I look back, I see that I had become comfortable and boring in the relationship. We were stuck in a routine and the boredom finally helped kill any love she had for me. We did the same thing every day, went to the same places and even had sex pretty much the same every time. I'm now going to make a concerted effort to break up routines and spice things up in the future.

 

It's too late to save this relationship which really hurts, but I am moving on. She's still with the other guy and by all accounts seems happy. I have my doubts that it will last because she hopped right into the relationship but that could be just bitterness talking. All I can do is reflect and learn from this experience so I don't make the same mistakes again. I do still miss her but I know if she doesn't do what I'm doing and learn from this (and I don't think she is) then it would never work for us.

 

All I can do is move forward and try to better myself. That's what we all have to do I guess. Life is learning.

 

Thanks for reading.

 

 

I felt compelled to reply since previously I was in a relationship with a man who was 43 and I'm 20.. I think it's good you're learning so that you will make sure you don't make the same mistakes in your next relationship but, as an outside perspective, I think that some of the things you listed as mistakes are just a matter of compatibility. Some people can be perfectly content with routine or at least not find it completely boring, and they'll still love you all the same. Just a thought.. Good luck on your healing.

[d0nnivain]

The only mistake I see is you co-signing the car loan. You better get your name off that or she will stop making payments, force you to or ruin your credit.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

The only mistake I see is you co-signing the car loan. You better get your name off that or she will stop making payments, force you to or ruin your credit.

 

Already working on it. She actually makes a little bit more than I do, but I'm pretty sure the guy she's shacked up with has no job so I'm certain she's paying all the rent, bills etc. It is a concern.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

I felt compelled to reply since previously I was in a relationship with a man who was 43 and I'm 20.. I think it's good you're learning so that you will make sure you don't make the same mistakes in your next relationship but' date=' as an outside perspective, I think that some of the things you listed as mistakes are just a matter of compatibility. Some people can be perfectly content with routine or at least not find it completely boring, and they'll still love you all the same. Just a thought.. Good luck on your healing.[/quote']

 

Did you run into some of the same issues I did? For the first couple of years, she seemed very mature and self-confident for her age. As time went on she seemed to regress in maturity and what she wanted...

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Did you run into some of the same issues I did? For the first couple of years, she seemed very mature and self-confident for her age. As time went on she seemed to regress in maturity and what she wanted...

 

Very different issues as I am the dumpee.. We were long distance so ultimately that was the main issue. At least that was just one of my ex's reasons. He went back and forth with his reasons. He was insecure about our age difference towards the end. Initially, he had no problems with it, but now he claims he doesn't want to ruin my life when I could be with someone who I could grow old with.

 

I'm like you where I'm not comfortable sharing my feelings because my parents showed love through actions instead of words.. He needed affirmations. I wish I could have expressed to him I would rather have 20 years of happiness vs 50 years in unknown with a possibility of unhappiness. If I ever get the opportunity to be with him again, I won't hestitate in letting him know that.

 

So, if our breakup was only due to circumstance, maybe he and I will cross paths again in the future.. If he doesn't want to date because of the age difference then I will have to accept that. He had his heart crushed in the past when his wife fell out of love with him so I understand his fears..

 

I was actually discussing this topic the other day with someone. Everyone says younger people need to "sow their oats" and gain experience. I've always, up until now objected this notion but perhaps it's true of most younger people.. I'm very different in this regard but only because of what I went through in the past.. I'm not qualified to talk about relationships so I won't but I hope you understand that this seems to be the trend amongst younger people. You'd have to find the few mature ones.. So, my point is, it's a bigger risk than if you were dating closer to your age. I realize you had fallen in love with the maturer version of her so I'm very sorry you have to go through this pain.

[Unlucky_I_Guess]

Actually I was the dumpee as well. She dropped the bomb on me, and a month later she's moved out and moved on. I've halfway come to accept it, but there are still times where I get depressed and lonely and all I can do is ride it out.

 

I've heard the "sow your oats" thing more than once. I never agreed with it til now because I never had that urge. People are different now than they used to be I guess. Loyalty and honesty don't mean much anymore, I'm afraid.

[Ijustdon'tgetit]

Actually I was the dumpee as well. She dropped the bomb on me, and a month later she's moved out and moved on. I've halfway come to accept it, but there are still times where I get depressed and lonely and all I can do is ride it out.

 

I've heard the "sow your oats" thing more than once. I never agreed with it til now because I never had that urge. People are different now than they used to be I guess. Loyalty and honesty don't mean much anymore, I'm afraid.

 

Oh I thought you were asking if I was comparable to your ex somehow. I've read your story.

I wish I could rid of this hope too. I still long for him daily and I wish the hope and pain would diminish quicker.

I have more old fashioned views as well so it's unfortunate the way people are these days. That's why I tend to date men out of my age range. Others can call it "wrong" or say I'll regret missing "experience" but I highly doubt it.

 

I hope things will get easier for us.