Worried feelings about relationship.

[Dybbuk]

First off let me preface and say I love my BF. And for the most part we have had a very good and stable relationship. So I am looking for possible solutions to this matter, not just “Break up with him” type posts. I don’t think this really warrants such a response like that. So anyway, our relationship has been very good. However today… I just got a feeling, like something is happening and I can’t identify what is happening and if I should be worried, or upset, and how to approach it with my BF and not have it turn into a fight.

 

Typically my BF and I only see each other on the weekends. We both work M-F but due to our schedules F-Sun is the only time we get to spend together. I don’t sleep over or anything (I live with my parents, parents are old fashioned.). I just go see him and spend time with him for a few hours and then go home. We’ve been doing this for 10 months. Initially it was out of necessity since he didn’t have a car and I would have to travel to see him. He has a car now, but he’s the one with his own apartment so we still just meet at his place for privacy. I haven’t minded this at all. He doesn’t live far… and the times I’ve needed him to get me (I had surgery last month) he would come get me.

 

Well, he has had some stress from work lately. He wakes up early and sleeps early… so Fridays are usually our lazy days since he and I both work. Haven’t minded, but three weekends ago he canceled on Friday because he hurt his back lifting something heavy. I was bummed, but totally understood and told him not to worry about it. We met up on Saturday and Sunday instead. Then the next weekend we planned on me cooking dinner on Friday and again got a cancellation in the middle of the day because he had to help his mom with something after work and wasn’t sure what time he would be done. Told him it was alright and we could do it tomorrow. The next day I came over he was playing video games with a friend while I was cooking. I overheard him mention that while they were at dinner last night, his friend had said something that puzzled him. I wasn’t intentionally eavesdropping, but when you’re cooking dinner in the same room over, you just hear what’s being said. I tried my best to tactfully ask him about it that night. I didn’t accuse him of lying (since he did go to his mom's), I didn’t get upset with him. I told him that I wanted him to know that I wouldn’t be mad if he wanted to spend time with his friends. Basically suggesting that he doesn’t have to ‘hide’ or ‘omit’ the things he tells me when he wants to break a date. He told me he didn’t get the invitation until late that night and accepted. I understood, and we moved on just fine from that conversation and met up on Sunday with no issue.

 

Fast forward to this weekend. On Wednesday he’s telling me how he is excited to see me Friday, but lo’ and behold on Thursday I get the “let’s play it by ear” message because he’s been really tired lately on Fridays. At this point I was halfway expecting it, so this morning when he texted me at 10am asking if I was upset about staying in, I told him I understood work has been really hard on him lately and for him to get his rest. I decided I wasn’t going to waste my Friday tonight and decided to take myself out to the movies. Before I left for the movie, my mom told me my grandma was readmitted to the hospital today (she had hip surgery 2 months ago), and that tomorrow she’d like me to see her and take some groceries to their house. She also wanted my dad and I to mow the lawn… and before I knew it my Saturday just turned into a colossal day of things to do.

 

So my BF asked me to text him after the movie was done, which I did. He asked me about my plans tomorrow, and I told him the situation. In the back of my mind I guess because he had broken so many dates, I decided I wasn’t going to bust my butt tomorrow to run around all over town and then drive over to see him that night for a 2-3 hour TV night. So I asked him, if I got done late on Saturday would it just be ok to meet on Sunday for lunch? Since I have been out of work for a month because of my surgery I am behind and wanted to use Sunday for a catch up work day.

 

His text was not what I expected, and for the first time ever in our relationship… I just felt like something was changing.

 

“Yea, that’s fine. Wish I would of known, I would have sucked it up today, lol. I’m really sorry to hear about your grandma though My thoughts are with you and your family.”

 

When I read it my heart sank a little. I felt like I let him down and I was being selfish for wanting to break a date since we didn't see each other Friday. I guess what got me was… ‘I would have sucked it up today’. I know he didn't mean it in a negative way, but somehow I felt like this person that comes over on Friday’s he has to endure. It made me sad and I cried after reading the text.

 

When I replied, I apologized to him and let him know that I didn’t want him to forgo his day of rest that he needed. I also told him I wasn’t aware of all these new things I had to do until 6pm on Friday… hours after he had already cancelled. He said it was ok, and that he loved me and hopefully we get to see each other tomorrow and if not no worries. I apologized again for breaking the date and said it has just been a weekend of bad days. I said I’d text him tomorrow in case I got done early and could make it over.

 

He immediately responded with: “No, I shouldn’t have even said that. How were you to know if your grandma was gonna get sick again? I was insensitive. If there’s anything I can do just let me know.”

 

I hate having important things like this discussed over text so instead I told him it was ok, and that I was going to get some sleep and bid him goodnight. The whole thing has really bothered me though. Lately I get this feeling that it’s no biggie for him to break dates. He mentioned today while we were texting that hopefully after the remodel is done his Fridays will go back to normal and we can go back to our regular schedule. For some reason though in the pit of my stomach I internally replied ‘I won’t get my hopes up’, because lately I just feel like our Friday nights together are an inconvenience to him. Even the times we have met up on Fridays... there were nights he would call it a night even though I was only there for barely 2 hours. I then suggested that maybe we just make Friday’s our off night since he works those days, and just quit the “I’ll text you if I’m energized enough to see you.” That way he also has an off night for friends, or whatever he wants to do. He responded with "I don't know, we'll see. I love hanging out with you though!"

 

What gets me is that some days I’m tired too. There have been days where he knows I have to work late on Friday or work all day on Saturday, and he’ll ask if I’ll have time to come over. I do go because I want to spend time with him, but the first time I’m tired and try to break a date… I feel his initial response was inconsiderate. I've really tried to be nothing but understanding these past three weeks! Even though we both would talk M-Th about how much we were looking forward to Friday... he would cancel and immediately ask me if I was mad. I would always say no and try to put myself in his shoes.

 

I do appreciate that he immediately apologized for his response, and to his credit, he recognized that it wasn’t my fault… but part of me is worried something in our relationship is changing where he doesn’t want to spend as much time with me anymore? It would be one thing if we saw each other regularly during the week… then yes I’d totally understand the need for space! But as it is… we spend maybe max 10-12 hours together over the course of a weekend.

 

I just want to know if I’m doing something wrong. Am I overreacting to this? Should I confront him? Or just try to free up our Fridays for both of us so they aren’t a source of contention anymore. Help appreciated. Sorry this is so long.

[smackie9]

I'm not sure what the issue is here. He's just a guy and guys can be dorks sometimes and not realize it. Not the best communicators, but also they are not mind readers. If you don't communicate your thoughts and feelings, he isn't going to understand you. Guys brains work differently, and don't pick up subtle cues that women give them....then you have an upset woman thinking "he is not being sensitive to me or my needs" then things get emotional with negative thoughts whirling around in her brain.

 

So you need to talk to him about reassessing your relationship. As it stands, you both are spending less and less time together. You both are going to have to figure out what is needed to change this. Maybe it's time for you to get your own place, or move in with him. Remember you have been dating for awhile now, and that first part (honeymoon phase) of the relationship where there was urgency to see each other has now past....you both are now at the comfortable stage where you can miss a day or two. I feel you are at a point now in your relationship, that your living arrangements need to change so you can spend time together during the week. Just my take on this.

[Gaeta]

I also don't understand what is the big deal here. Life is happening, he's tired on Fridays these days, you got unexpected family emergency etc. Your relationship is evolving and he is more comfortable breaking dates with you knowing you won't hold it against him and you'll understand. Let him have his Friday evenings free for rest, family and friends.