ashleya20 Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 So I keep going back and fourth with actually posting something on here but I figure it's either this or I'm going to end up texting him soon... We were together for about three years and at the beginning of this year got the news that he didn't want to be together, out of nowhere. The night before I remember laughing and giggling with each other while laying in bed.. We lived together for about six months but saw each other every day even before that for about a year. I struggled with depression and anxiety for those last six months of our relationship at which he did very cowardly things and wasn't there for me what so ever when I needed him the most. It was a very messy break up because of this. But since we've been broken up for the last six months, my life has been so much better. And I feel like he was the reason for a lot of my depression and anxiety. But I can't...for the life of me...stop my heart from hurting. There was a lot of love between us and all those faults inside him that I think of now, I can't hate. I gave and gave to him until it exhausted me but I still can't make myself stop missing him. I haven't contacted him at all since the break up and neither has he. I moved out right away but in some way I still feel like I'm missing a part of me. We had plenty of plans for our future together, adopted a dog together, wanted our lives to be together and it's all gone now. How long does it take to get over this? I'm trying to talk to new guys, I'm living my own life but there is always things in the back of my head that remind me of him. It's basically an every day thing. I miss him so much. How do I get out of this rut? Is it really that bad of an idea to contact him? Sometimes I feel like he was a completely different person at the end of the relationship than who he was at the beginning. I feel like he wasn't the same person I fell in love with and didn't give back nearly as much as I gave him. But I also think deep down maybe that guy is still somewhere inside him... When we broke up, he said he loves me, cares about me, wants to be with me but can't. I didn't get really any other explanation besides that. And I think maybe that's the reason I can't get over this. I never got a true explanation. Should I go searching for one? Should I try to contact him? Should I try to make him come back?
RogerWallace111 Posted June 27, 2015 Posted June 27, 2015 (edited) Sorry to hear you're still dealing with that. When your life changes for the better in the absence of the relationship yet you can't stop missing them is f*cked. Most on here will respond that you should not contact him. They're gonna say that what's done is done and you will either a- get a response you won't like / be satisfied with or b- won't get any response at all. And that even if you did somehow end up giving things another shot you'd likely get hurt again. That all may or may not be true. What were his bad qualities ? In what particular ways did you feel like he was cowardly & not there for you during the onset of your depression/anxiety ? Hard to say if your missing him so much is very related to his lack of explanation upon leaving. Reasons given are often so convoluted that even if you had heard them you might not be much closer to finding closure. Plus closure comes from you making personal peace with the situation and anything else is just an aid in that... People will tell you that him saying he loves you and wants to be with couldn't have been sincere because otherwise he would have. That I disagree with. People can break up while in love if they see insurmountable differences that might be making the love create pain. Deep love doesn't mean you're willing to be unhappy to hold on to the person. Maybe, like you said, he just wasn't strong enough to handle what you were going through ? You ever still feel anxious or depressed ? In regard to your final three questions... Do you want closure or do you want him back ? You have to think about what you could potentially gain from his responses and how much it might affect you if they're not what you want to hear, or you get none. If you haven't seen any glimmer of new, potentially fulfilling relationships you may just be missing him since you loved him and the void is just... there. In which case more and more time could alleviate it and it would likely be best to keep quiet. And possibly be more vigilant in putting yourself back out there dating-wise. Is it possible that things ended because you were going through something he truly couldn't stand to be around, and that maybe his inability to cope & support you was somehow understandable ? If not then it likely wouldn't be wise to attempt reconciling. I'd say at most, if you feel you have to, ask him for more insight as to why he ended it. Then go from there. Or say nothing and give it time. Plenty of people on here have been pining for 6 months and beyond, and if your life is going well otherwise.... Edited June 27, 2015 by RogerWallace111
Author ashleya20 Posted June 27, 2015 Author Posted June 27, 2015 His bad qualities were that he never understood my emotions, the first few times when we got in an argument he actually laughed at me because he thought it would be better to make a joke out of it than actually deal with it. He wasn't the type of person to tell me what I could do better in the relationship even when we were together, I would tell him what upset me about him and he would just say that "there wasn't anything wrong with me and that I'm perfect". I know that wasn't true and I never fully understood why he never told me what I could do better. He never knew how to say "no". I would get blown off or he would blow people off because he didn't know how to say that he wanted to hang out with someone else or do something else. I was followed around like a puppy dog, even living together, we had to be doing everything together it seemed. He would send girls things like "I miss you more than I can handle." Call them his "love", things that I felt were disrespectful to our relationship not because I was jealous but because it just didn't seem right. A lot of the time, deep emotions that I felt needed to be swept under the rug and so I did that and tried to keep a happy face on all of the time. A lot of this I feel like lead to my anxiety and my self esteem went really down. I felt like I was doing something wrong that lead him to blow me off, text other girls and not be open with me. He wasn't there for me because he would yell and scream if I told him how I was feeling. A lot of the time things like "people have it so much worse off than you" came out of his mouth. If we got in a fight because I would tell him how I felt with the depression and such, he would leave. We got into a really bad fight one time to the point where I just laid in bed and cried, he punched through a wall, he didn't want to deal with it so he went to a concert with his friends. Instead of trying to talk me through things, it was always a battle. It was always this thing of him yelling at me when I would try to talk through my emotions. I do believe he wasn't strong enough to handle what I was going through. Once I got out of the situation my depression and anxiety deminished rather quickly. I tried antidepressant and such while we were living together and nothing actually helped but once I was out of the situation, it really felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders. I'm mostly just trying to get my self esteem back now. I think our relationship was very toxic towards the end. We didn't have any space without one another. But we felt as if we 'needed' each other. One of the last fights we had was about his best friends. He did this thing that ever time his friends were around, I would get the boot. He went to go hang out with his friends one night which was all fine. Told me that he would be back around whatever time, he decided to spend the night. I was like "okay, that's fine. He doesn't see this friend very much I understand that too." Tells me he'll be back the next day around whatever time and he doesn't come back until the next evening. The same thing happened many, many, many times to the point where one time we were on a date and he literally just blew me off in the middle of it because his friend asked him to hang out and he can't say no. There's so many things that I've gone through in my head that I know this relationship was a bad one. I know that we were toxic with each other. I know how unhappy we both were. I haven't really seen any new relationships forming... So maybe you're right about that. I'm just lonely and holding onto the relationship I know.
Tater Salad Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 I know that feeling of wanting to contact them. They must want us to contact them, right? Maybe, maybe not. He would have contacted you if he wanted. Those bad memories will fade, and the good ones will stick with you forever. I'm 41, and I still think of old gfs from high school, college, my ex wife, and recent ex gfs. I remember the good times, and certain things remind me of them to this day. And I smile and sigh, and I'm thankful that I experienced some good stuff in my past. I think this is healthy. I still miss my ex gf that dumped me 9 months ago. Dated 3 years, she dumped me so hard and hurtfully. But I can still be grateful for the good times. Don't contact him. It's hard, but nothing good comes out of it, and you will feel and appear weak. The pain goes away slowly, and soon a new love will arise. Promise. You can do it, and you are not alone.
casey.lives Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 it gets better.. just be honest with yourself about the situation
erklat Posted June 28, 2015 Posted June 28, 2015 (edited) And I think maybe that's the reason I can't get over this. I never got a true explanation. Should I go searching for one? Should I try to contact him? Should I try to make him come back? No, it's not explanation. Whatever he says will be guilt relieving bs and in turn will only raise more questions from you. You will become numb eventually. It is soon 2 years since the devastating breakup that brought me here (among some other great things I achieved in the interim). I still pine sometimes. But I can live with that. Edited June 28, 2015 by erklat
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