Fresh & new ain't always enough...

[RogerWallace111]

Here I am, two states away from my ex, 9 days into life in a new city I've had a nagging pull toward since I graduated high school almost ten years ago. Nothing but potential here. Opportunities to take my career to the level I've always wanted, and a pre-laid network of connections to facilitate that.

 

It's been about 5 weeks since things ended, with about 2 of NC (minus some inconsequential sh*t I chose not to respond to) after 3 of limited texts. Initially gave her a couple heartfelt strong messages asking her to reconsider but since leaving after week 1 have kept my mouth shut and kept my responses to her sincere but dignified and to-the-point. Summary is that we were long time friends who fell into a year-long, typically beautiful, extremely passionate relationship that ended when we moved to a new city, she got a nightshift restaurant job, starting socializing post-work, and I objected to the sometimes evasive ways she went about it. We fought intensely over a couple weeks, I initiated the breakup, she lashed out, I tried to rescind and she said it wasn't working anymore. Like me, she's a very proud type, and I think the moment I was ready to leave she wanted to show me right back that she didn't need me.

 

For the most part I've been relatively acceptant of it all, since the first week, where i was in disbelief with a knot in my stomach and physical ache in my heart. Silly or not she eased that some by eventually gushing about how much she loved me and hoped time might bring us together again, etc. I'd just skipped town but it made me feel like we'd at least left on relatively good terms, as I wasn't holding a grudge against her and she'd expressed previously that she felt I was abandoning her. But the longing is there somewhere (evidenced by the fact that I dream of her most nights) and surfaces situationally & according to my mood. Today has been one of those days. Though my current life struggle is one I've romanticized to some degree in the past- couch surfing with nothing but what fits in my car, finally going for it as far as my higher goals- I no doubt find my fortitude tested and have moments of longing for the ex, who at times gave me the strongest feelings of contentment and happiness I ever experienced. I don't have any doubt that throwing myself into this endeavor was the right move, but I am reminded regularly that beginning anew is not strictly pleasurable and exciting.

 

I've been through one other major heartbreak and it was different. It was more drawn out, made me feel more alone, and I remember crying on a regular basis for a couple weeks. But she was more of a typical sweet, pretty girl- not the unique, funny, insightful (also beautiful/sweet) type my last ex is. With this one, the initial physical sickness of it dissipated a bit more quickly, I've been much more hopeful for the future, and only shed tears in the immediate aftermath. Yet there's a lingering feeling I didn't have after my first love. More-or-less it's a fear of not finding as profound of a connection again. Or maybe just a fear of living without that sort of connection for a prolonged time. Because I'm by no means a believer in the ridiculous notion of "the one" or whatnot. But I do believe certain chemistry is rare. And practical incompatibility aside, I can't help but have these days where I think about the perfect times, and what could have been should the situation and timing have been different.

 

Anyway, as many of you have experienced, when the present feels difficult, less than satisfying, or un-engaging, it's easier to get back into these thought cycles. I don't know how those of you who choose to withdraw from life instead of embrace it after a breakup can deal...

 

The simple fact is, yes, one is going to miss being part of something that let one give and receive such transcendent love and bliss. There are few things in life that compare. But the other fact is that in it's absence, the most proactive path toward happiness is to create the exact life you want for yourself. Which usually, in time brings new love along with it. But that's secondary.

Edited June 26, 2015 by RogerWallace111

[casey.lives]

that's the thing... life is life and love is love. A great relationship marries both, love and life, his and hers.

[Satu]

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

Giving and receiving are the same.

[aloneinaz]

Change the channel of the radio playing that negative "I'll never find another GF who is" to "I'm so excited at the opportunity to meet my next great love"..

 

 

We've all been there with that stupid station on in our thoughts. Reality says we need to be mindful of our thoughts and challenging them. I've had lots of relationships in my life. Each new one was better than the last. They seem to work out that way.

[RogerWallace111]

Change the channel of the radio playing that negative "I'll never find another GF who is" to "I'm so excited at the opportunity to meet my next great love"..

 

 

We've all been there with that stupid station on in our thoughts. Reality says we need to be mindful of our thoughts and challenging them. I've had lots of relationships in my life. Each new one was better than the last. They seem to work out that way.

 

Mhmm, well said. I know that if I had a few more relationships under my belt my thought process would be different. I've been in two longterm relationships and otherwise just had a handful of flings with girls I had almost zero real feelings for. I think the combination of our long-standing, close friendship and my lack of connection with the women recently preceding made it feel very uh... special, for lack of a less cliche word. Like the pre-romantic, unselfish bond turning into intense romantic feelings culminated in something that felt like more than two people just lustfully stroking each other's egos in some codependent way.

 

It's always good to be reminded that the "I'll never find another GF who is" pattern is a common thought-trap in times like these, and to hear from those who have continued to see future relationships get better and better. I of course know logically that it's by no means the case, and like I said, I find the idea of one soulmate per person silly. I've just yet to engage in enough serial monogamy to keep that notion of irreplacability from creeping in at times.

[RogerWallace111]

To be loved, be loving.

To find peace, be peaceful.

To find forgiveness, be forgiving.

To be cared about, be caring.

To be treated kindly, be kind.

To be understood, be understanding.

To have friends, be friendly.

 

Giving and receiving are the same.

 

Very real and applicable advice.

[RogerWallace111]

And luckily this town is full of some of the finest girls in the world. Some of em are bound to have brain & soul to match...

[aloneinaz]

It's normal to not find anyone to rock your world when your last break up is simi-fresh. That's to be expected. Keep dating. You'll find someone that makes you say "who was that last ex again"?

 

 

When my last ex ended us, I was pretty upset for a month. By month two I started dating cause I'd never go out w/her crazy azz again. The first month or two of dating, they were all compared to the ex in one category or another. A few months later I met my now almost 2 year GF.

 

 

She's better in almost everyway than the ex too.

[RogerWallace111]

It's normal to not find anyone to rock your world when your last break up is simi-fresh. That's to be expected. Keep dating. You'll find someone that makes you say "who was that last ex again"?

 

 

When my last ex ended us, I was pretty upset for a month. By month two I started dating cause I'd never go out w/her crazy azz again. The first month or two of dating, they were all compared to the ex in one category or another. A few months later I met my now almost 2 year GF.

 

 

She's better in almost everyway than the ex too.

 

Yeah I know, and I'm not the super-outgoing type to be out actively seeking a new girl right off the bat. I know I'll be in another, more ideal relationship in time. My wistfulness and heartache is all pretty situational so it could be worse. Haven't been unable to laugh or in a deep depression as apparently some people end up; reassuring I guess... I'm out here at a family friends a good 25 minutes from the heart of the city and feeling isolated, so the wound is a bit exposed.

 

Also, realistically, I'm just a guarded person to some degree and I think that affects my level of intrinsic faith when it comes to dating. That feeling of very natural progression from one partner to another being part of life is something I hear others describe but don't relate to. I wish I f*ckin did. Instead it's felt like the girls that tend to be into me, though often physically attractive, aren't the ones I want, and that the ones I do connect with are few and far between (2 in "adulthood"). I need to work on that. By going after girls who strike me as potentially appealing and not letting my romantic/sex life just happen to me. Cause I know that through my life, if I'd been on the offensive more, and not just responded to flirtatious looks/advances, I'd have experienced some level of love with probably 4-6 girls instead of two plus a variety of meaningless sexual experiences. I know it's funny to put it in numbers like that but realistically the friends who I look at as more autonomous & unconditionally happy have all had several significant relationships by their late twenties. Where the ones who have only had 1-3 all seem to end up having big hangups about whether to stay with/marry their girlfriends and teeter on the edge of "settling". So many people, in life, on here, seem to look at their "collection" of ex's so objectively. I admire that. If one's romantic life is going to shape/define who they are to any degree, which it inevitably will, it should be as a whole and not boil down to any one or two "monumental" partners out of the potential billions on the earth. One should be shaped by the lessons learned in that string of successive, different experiences. No offense to those who marry their high school sweethearts, but should you choose not to take that sort of route...

 

I think to facilitate that sort of shift for myself I need to stop thinking about having "game" and more about just being very open and unapologetically myself. Cause I'm a suave, funny motherf*cker when it's on, but a bit formal when I meet new people. Female or male. In fact that's the approach I need to take in all aspects of this new era of my life. Be real even if it means being vulnerable. Doing that.

 

Anyway.

 

Glad you're with a good one AZ. The comparing thing is a b*tch but I suppose when you find a fitting one there's no comparison to be made.

Edited June 27, 2015 by RogerWallace111

[aloneinaz]

Yeah I know, and I'm not the super-outgoing type to be out actively seeking a new girl right off the bat. I know I'll be in another, more ideal relationship in time. My wistfulness and heartache is all pretty situational so it could be worse. Haven't been unable to laugh or in a deep depression as apparently some people end up; reassuring I guess... I'm out here at a family friends a good 25 minutes from the heart of the city and feeling isolated, so the wound is a bit exposed.

 

Also, realistically, I'm just a guarded person to some degree and I think that affects my level of intrinsic faith when it comes to dating. That feeling of very natural progression from one partner to another being part of life is something I hear others describe but don't relate to. I wish I f*ckin did. Instead it's felt like the girls that tend to be into me, though often physically attractive, aren't the ones I want, and that the ones I do connect with are few and far between (2 in "adulthood"). I need to work on that. By going after girls who strike me as potentially appealing and not letting my romantic/sex life just happen to me. Cause I know that through my life, if I'd been on the offensive more, and not just responded to flirtatious looks/advances, I'd have experienced some level of love with probably 4-6 girls instead of two plus a variety of meaningless sexual experiences. I know it's funny to put it in numbers like that but realistically the friends who I look at as more autonomous & unconditionally happy have all had several significant relationships by their late twenties. Where the ones who have only had 1-3 all seem to end up having big hangups about whether to stay with/marry their girlfriends and teeter on the edge of "settling". So many people, in life, on here, seem to look at their "collection" of ex's so objectively. I admire that. If one's romantic life is going to shape/define who they are to any degree, which it inevitably will, it should be as a whole and not boil down to any one or two "monumental" partners out of the potential billions on the earth. One should be shaped by the lessons learned in that string of successive, different experiences. No offense to those who marry their high school sweethearts, but should you choose not to take that sort of route...

 

I think to facilitate that sort of shift for myself I need to stop thinking about having "game" and more about just being very open and unapologetically myself. Cause I'm a suave, funny motherf*cker when it's on, but a bit formal when I meet new people. Female or male. In fact that's the approach I need to take in all aspects of this new era of my life. Be real even if it means being vulnerable. Doing that.

 

Anyway.

 

Glad you're with a good one AZ. The comparing thing is a b*tch but I suppose when you find a fitting one there's no comparison to be made.

 

 

You're clearly in the "overthinking" mode right now. We've all been there post break up. You have to be yourself in relationships whether professional or with partners. Some people we click with and like us and others won't. What we need to focus on is NOT caring about the people who don't or worrying about what people think about us.

 

 

Be open to women you wouldn't necessarily think you're like or are a fit for. For decades, I was attracted to the wrong personality type in women w/disastrous consequences. For some reason, I've liked the type A woman w/out going personalities. The intensity was amazing but the other more prominent features of them were not compatible w/my personality. Now, I've finally found an outgoing, more laid back girl.

 

 

I've never had a drama free relationship like I've had these past almost 2 years. It's been good for me and my mental health. Maybe you should be open to someone different as well.

[RogerWallace111]

You're clearly in the "overthinking" mode right now. We've all been there post break up. You have to be yourself in relationships whether professional or with partners. Some people we click with and like us and others won't. What we need to focus on is NOT caring about the people who don't or worrying about what people think about us.

 

 

Be open to women you wouldn't necessarily think you're like or are a fit for. For decades, I was attracted to the wrong personality type in women w/disastrous consequences. For some reason, I've liked the type A woman w/out going personalities. The intensity was amazing but the other more prominent features of them were not compatible w/my personality. Now, I've finally found an outgoing, more laid back girl.

 

 

I've never had a drama free relationship like I've had these past almost 2 years. It's been good for me and my mental health. Maybe you should be open to someone different as well.

 

Yeah I have a tendency to overthink at times . I guess it's just that feeling of some loss of identity that has me feeling a bit "not myself". At a time when networking and establishing new relationships is much more important than it's ever been for me, so it's highlighted. But it's better this way. There's something greatly empowering about having so little to lose, and being your own guide, without the often monotonous type of comfort a relationship provides.

 

Mhmm, good advice. My mind is open in more ways than several. The intensity of romance with a more eccentric, type-a woman is something but when you get fully wrapped up in it.....

 

I'll take it all as it comes, with zero undue discrimination.